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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why do some parents let their kids stay out so late?!!

114 replies

TangoPink · 13/09/2019 22:16

It's driving me crazy that my son who has just left school and started college has friends that appear to have no curfew. Its not that these are the kids who would have been left to their own devices since they were young either, all generally upper working class to middle class. Could it be that they are more mature than my son? That doesnt remove the dangers though!

My son is out with his friend group with no sign of them going home yet. I try to be flexible on curfew as I would rather him stay out an extra half hour than walk home alone and when he's at parties/houses I go with a general finish time based on the host.

Is it U to think 10.30 is late enough for a bunch of 16/17 year olds roaming the streets?!

OP posts:

AngelicInnocent · 14/09/2019 10:51

Mine have no curfew as such but they do have rules. Let me know if you won't be around for meals, let me know when you will be home (and update me if it changes) and how are you getting home, if you are staying out, where and who with.

Lastly, if you wake me up when you come in, know that I will repay you at 5am when I get up for work

missnevermind · 14/09/2019 11:13

Yes no curfew but information is key.

They tell me that they are popping out or out for the evening. I get a don't wait up if they will be back bout midnight. And clubbing means about 5 in the morning but that one was very rare at 17, but not 18.

We had a fortnight away the week they started college. Visiting family abroad after the death of a close family member. So the timing was non negotiable ( Was treated as a holiday and spending time with family so not sad or traumatic.). My newly 17 year old flew back with an Auntie enrolled himself in college and survived the week without us quite happily.

LynetteScavo · 14/09/2019 11:16

Just because some people were living independently in a bedsit at 16 doesn't mean it's OK not to parent your own 16yo.
At 16 I was at boarding school and our lights were turned off at 10pm. That doesn't mean it's perfect parenting to insist your 16yo goes to sleep at 10pm.

My 16yo knows he needs to be home before I go to bed, unless he's at a party/event and then I'm happy to stay up late to collect him . Actually, I'm not happy, but I do it because I'm his parent . He's usually home much earlier and is very respectful about it, because he's a good kid and knows we are the main source of his finances.

However, I do leave him playing computer games when I go to bed now, which I wouldn't have done last year when he had GCSEs.

And yes, I'm surprised at what lots of seemingly sensible people let their DC do too OP.

dollydaydream114 · 14/09/2019 11:21

I wouldn’t expect a 16/17 year old to have a curfew (especially not at 17! I mean, really?!) but I wouldn’t really expect them to be aimlessly wandering the streets either. Surely by that age they’re going to each other’s houses (or sneaking into venues with a fake ID) rather than just ‘roaming the streets’?

prettybird · 14/09/2019 12:05

I think the OP is transferring her own concerns/beliefs about what young people get up when out when she worries about a bunch of 16/17 year olds roaming the streets?!

Returning home from a party late at night is not roaming the streets

FWIW once they get to 18 and can go clubbing, in my experience (when ds is at home ), they're not even going out until 10/10.30

BarbedBloom · 14/09/2019 12:10

I didn't have a curfew if I was actually going somewhere, friends, a party etc. I always let my parents know where I was though, so it did sometimes involve a few late night hunts for a phone box.

NerrSnerr · 14/09/2019 12:16

My parents were ridiculously strict when I was 16/17. I wasn't allowed to go out unless somewhere very specific (cinema, friends house) and I always had to be picked up by about 10. I left home to go to university about 3 weeks after turning 18 and ridiculously made up for it, going massively off the rails!

Natsku · 14/09/2019 12:18

Me and my friends would be out late roaming the streets at that age but we weren't getting into trouble, we just liked walking and talking (I still like walking around at night, it's so peaceful). It's not always anti-social behaviour.

amusedbush · 14/09/2019 12:24

I didn’t have a curfew at 17. I just had to text my parents to let them know if I was coming home, and if I was going to head home in the middle of the night I obviously had to make sure I had my keys.

Toni2five · 14/09/2019 12:34

My son is 16, left school and has an apprenticeship, his curfew when at school was 10:30pm during the week and tends to stick to this now but if he doesn't have work the next day I don't give him a curfew I just ask that he's not too late, my 18 year old works full time and he doesn't have a curfew x

YesQueen · 14/09/2019 12:38

I didn't have one, was living away at college at 16 and parents signed a form. If your parents didn't, the curfew was 11pm

Gingerkittykat · 14/09/2019 15:52

I left home at 17, so no curfew at all.

My DD of a similar age has had no curfew from around 16. Last night she left college and went to Spoons for food and then drinking till midnight when I picked her up. I don't want her getting the last bus home after an incident where a man exposed himself in front of her and a younger teenage girl.

She's got stupidly drunk once where she vomited copiously but then learned her lesson and drinks sensibly.

I would have taken a different line with her if she had been drinking on weeknights and affecting her work.

Mummyshark2019 · 14/09/2019 18:07

What does class have to do with it OP.

LynetteScavo · 14/09/2019 18:51

Actually I think class dies have something to do with it.

Kids who are allowed out late IME tend to be lower class or upper middle class. I first noticed this as a teenager myself in the 80s. Maybe things are changing, which is why the op has started this thread.

It's the decent working class and middle class children who traditionally have been expected to be home at a reasonable (IMO) time in the evening.

Brefugee · 14/09/2019 19:35

everyone who isn't working or middle class isn't "decent"?
you're the unreasonable one here

TheRLodger · 14/09/2019 19:41

At 15/16 the rule was dad could come collect me at about 930 any later it was a cab! And was allowed out to any hour! The provisio was that I had to send a quick texts as required. The group of girls I was with were older than me but pretty responsible so that helped

BogglesGoggles · 14/09/2019 19:41

I never really had a curfew. But then again I didn’t do stupid things and was considerate re not making my parents worry/coming home late and worrying them. They did get a lot of ‘I’m not coming home tonight’ phone calls though.

Witchinaditch · 14/09/2019 19:46

Think I had a midnight curfew at 16/17 and then from 17 no curfew. Lived in central London. I knew that if I took the mick like staying out all night or whatever then any freedoms I had would be revoked. I was the youngest though I’m not sure what elder siblings had to go through first. I like to think I’ll be flexible with my kids and we’re still in central London. There are dangers everywhere they happen at 8pm as well. As long as you know where your son is and he’s a sensible young adult then there’s not much more you can do! I understand it must be worrying though, but all parts of parenting is!

Witchinaditch · 14/09/2019 19:46

All parts of parenting are* sorry! Long day

redchocolatebutton · 14/09/2019 19:46

my curfew at that age was restricted by the last bus home from town.
yabu

LynetteScavo · 14/09/2019 19:51

a decent time ( it sounded old fashioned to me when I typed it)

Obviously the higher class you are, the more decent a person you are!

My post was rushed, but I do think upper class and lower lower class DC are (or were) given more freedom.

There will always be someone doesn't get the class thing on MN.

Echobelly · 14/09/2019 19:57

At 16-17 I would consider it fine to be out wherever (at weekends) as long as I'm informed where they are and what plans are.

If I'd been expected in by 10.30 at 17 I wouldn't have been able to see live bands or go to cinema showings after 8.30. 17 yes aren't babies, they can cope with later nights.

And I think once you allow out after pub throwing out time (most dangerous time of evening) it might as well be all night as long as you know plans. Worked well for my parents when we were teens, and we didn't even have mobiles!

Original poster

TangoPink · 14/09/2019 20:05

I'm still working through the messages but think you're right, it's the fact that they are on the streets or in parks thats the issue, but I don't know how to stop that without ruining his social life .

Honestly, I know him and his friends are more on the geeky side so not causing trouble though accept their noise may annoy some people. He only just developed the social life this summer after he made a lot of new friends on a summer project so it's a novelty to him right now. He also only turned 16 this August so despite having left school, he's a year behind his peers in respect of maturity (and that definitely has shown over the years).

I'm happy for his friends to gather here but that seems to be uncool and for this group they go to the shops, a park, mcdonalds, into town etc. wandering between the two. How could I impose no wandering on the streets when that's what his friends seem to like to do? (Genuine question, open to suggestions, he's had a few gatherings here but can't really have them every weekend, even if one a week then what would they do the other 6 nights?!)

I must reiterate that I'm pretty certain him and his friends are genuinely just hanging out, I've driven past him for example and never seen anything of concern. He's a good kid, very honest about where he is going and what he is doing. He's very wary of alcohol even under my supervision and is anti-drugs/smoking etc. so whilst I accept he may experiment under peer pressure, he's not at the extreme end of the scale where he's out drinking and causing trouble.

OP posts:

roseunicornblower · 14/09/2019 20:06

When I left school at 16 I had no curfew. I think once the GCSE's are out of the way and a child is respectful of others in the house they should be trusted to come in at a decent hour.

HUZZAH212 · 14/09/2019 20:53

I personally would feel the worry/fear due to him being the youngest in his peer group and literally only just out of being 15. However, I also wouldn't want to single him out as 'that kid' whose mum needs him home 🙄 Try for a happy medium of 11pm, as 'mum/dad works early hours so I don't want to bother/wake them'? It's still a decent time to be basically hanging about doing nothing, but not so early his mates will take the piss. 10:30 does seem so early to 'have' to be home at that age. Chances are he'll be home sooner if they're just hanging about doing nothing though. On the plus side winter is drawing in and the shit weather will sharp put pay to park socialising.

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