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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu..... I can't punish my son... Help!

89 replies

Cockerpooowner · 13/09/2019 19:15

Hi i need advice please before my marriage and family completely break down.
My eldest child is 8. He is a good boy mostly when out of the house , kind, well mannered to others, a nice friend etc, but when he is at home he is sometimes quite bossy with us, argues back, back chats, has an attitude, involves himself with adult conversations, that type of thing. This is if we ask him to do something /not to do something /or say he can't do something.
My husband hates my sons attitude and they don't have a very good relationship. They argue a lot and then he punsines our son by sending him to his room, or not allowing him on the x box for a while. My son obviously gets very upset at the time.
This breaks my heart and I just want to either let him off and talk it through instead, or have a short punishment rather than it lasting a few days. I don't like it when there is a bad atmosphere in the house. My husband and I then end up arguing over it.
Now I know that this is completely wrong of me and I should be backing up my husband. I just don't like my son thinking badly of me and I want him to have good childhood memories, not memories of us punishing him. I know this is rediculous, i know that he won't have respect for me especially when he's older, but i just can't seem to change.
When I was a child I was very well behaved and only got told off maybe once or twice my whole childhood and I can remember it vividly and how upset I was.
How can I be a better parent? I'm happy to hear all opinions, thanks

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 13/09/2019 19:17

Your son is being naughty and should be punished if you dont like the punishment work out a better one and discuss it with your husband

TheMustressMhor · 13/09/2019 19:19

It really is important that you and your husband are on exactly the same page. There is no point in one parent giving a punishment and the other one retracting it. No wonder your DS isn't always well behaved.

Boundaries are essential for children. It is essential for their normal development that they learn that actions have consequences.

Could you talk to your DH and discuss which punishments you will both give for various transgressions? And stick to it. Your DH is fighting a losing battle here otherwise.

I am having trouble believing that you were such a well behaved child yourself. Rose-coloured spectacles?

EAIOU · 13/09/2019 19:21

I think you need to have consistent boundaries.

He wont take you seriously and you shouldn't undermine your husbands parenting when he has given a punishment to fit the offense.

I was sent to my room, disciplined, smacked on occasion (not my style of parenting) grounded etc but I can hand on heart say I adore my parents. It didnt affect me in the slightest.

Your husband is right to remove an item of importance to your son when he misbehaves though. It means he is serious and is following through. It means that bad behaviour/attitude wont be tolerated.

Why dont you sit down together and agree on sensible punishments?

Starlight456 · 13/09/2019 19:21

Tbh .

I would come up with an agreement with dh so you are on the same page .

I would say with my Ds bad attitude x box if he has been on it is first thing to go .

Is x box time limited?

Yes children need to understand that behaviours have consequences. My Ds has Adhd and still has consequences for his behaviour

Teddybear45 · 13/09/2019 19:23

Your DS knows there aren’t any real consequences for his behaviour and that’s why he acts up. You absolutely should present a united front with your DH otherwise he’ll just get worse. Also, if his bad behaviour is linked to the X box then it’s likely to get worse - perhaps stop using it as an incentive. His time on it should be monitored and enforced ruthlessly

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 13/09/2019 19:24

Maybe stop thinking of it as punishment but as boundaries which you set out for your son, & then enforce. Removal of a privilege such as time on an Xbox is hardly a severe punishment, many kids won't be allowed a console at all at age 8.

You need to be on the same page as your husband. And also try to be a parent to your son, not a buddy/friend. Your relationship will be better for it in the long run.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2019 19:24

My first thought is why is your husband, a grown man, "arguing" with an 8 year old child? That's absurd. He should be giving your child a directive, and if there is back chat or other unreasonable behaviour, your husband should say, "I see that you're upset, but we will not tolerate you being disrespectful. Please go to your room, and when you've calmed down, you can come to me and we'll talk about it", or something to that effect. Arguing, bickering or fighting with a child will get you nowhere fast. As a family, you really need to reexamine how you're communicating with your son and take the control back.

MildThing · 13/09/2019 19:24

I don’t personally agree with you DH’s style of parenting.
8 year old boys get very bumptious.
I never had to say more than “don’t speak to me like that please” in s firm voice and then immediately model ‘good ‘ communication.

If he shouts at you and uses language you can firmly ask him to go to his room and ‘calm down so that his kindness / good manners can come back’. For general backchat it is far too much to impose sanctions for days.

He has a strong sense of push and pull so you will need to come down firmly: it’s an equal and opposite reaction.

Firm parenting enables the happy times.

It seems like you and DH need to talk and meet in the middle.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2019 19:26

If your husband can't control his temper and emotions, why does he think his 8 year old should? He is modelling the exact behaviour you're struggling with in your child.

Original poster
Cockerpooowner · 13/09/2019 19:27

Thank you. I know you are all completely right. We also have a 5 year old daughter who in contrast is perfectly behaved. My son says things like we love her more than him etc, and it makes me feel terrible. He knows what to say to make me give in. I know I need to be much harder on him, I just need some one to reassure me he won't hate me in the long run! Thank you

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 13/09/2019 19:29

You aren’t punishing him, you are teaching him that unacceptable behaviour has consequences which is a lesson he needs for life.
Parents who take the easy way out and want their dc to like them more than respect them are doing them no favours at all.
My dc love me and know that I love them, they also know that if they break our (very fair) rules they will be punished. It means I can confidently know that they will behave in most situations so they get to have some freedom
Parent your child, you aren’t his friend, he will have plenty of those in his life but only 1 Mum .

ElizaDee · 13/09/2019 19:33

Is your DH your ds's dad?

Is your dd yours and your dh's?

SnugStars · 13/09/2019 19:33

It sounds like your husband is too harsh with the punishments. I can recommend the book “How to talk so little kids will listen” to give ideas on how to avoid the conflict.
I don’t think kids should be sent to their room as punishment, their room should be a place they feel happy and safe, so that they feel secure and happy to go to sleep at bedtime. I also think at 8 punishments should never last days. I’d be saving that for the teenage years if necessary.
I agree that you need to speak to your husband to agree what the consequences will be if he misbehaves and try to make them relate to what he’s done if possible. Then you can back each other up, and hopefully move on quicker and work towards his behaviour improving.

SchoolNightWine · 13/09/2019 19:40

My DH can be quite similar, and issues ridiculous punishments that he can't follow through with - will give a month long xbox ban but then be away himself with work so would be left for me to carry out. If I don't agree with him, we'll talk about it and then once DS has had a more suitable punishment (a few days ban maybe), he'll offer DS something positive to do to get the ban reduced. I'm then not going against DH's ban, as believe we've got to appear to be on the same page, and DS hasn't got away with the bad behaviour totally.
You also need to get a thicker skin to deal with the "you love her more", "she's the favourite", "I hate you" comments, as they're pretty normal teenage behaviour so you'll be hearing them more in years to comeConfused

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/09/2019 19:47

My son is almost exactly the same. He is super smart and consequently wants to be involved and behave much older than he is.
We have used 123 Magic which works well. DS's school did a workshop on it.
You discuss with them behaviours that are not acceptable and explain that when they do these things they will be given 3 chances to stop before a consequence occurs. We very rarely get to 3.

OooErMissus · 13/09/2019 19:49

Yes, we need to know whether your DH is his father before we go any further.

bridgetreilly · 13/09/2019 19:53

You can show your DS all the love you want, and you absolutely should. When he is behaving well, show him and tell him how much you love him and enjoy him and are proud of him. But when he is naughty, he needs to be punished. That is the loving thing to do, to help him learn how to control his behaviour appropriately.

I do think you and DH need to talk about what constitutes an appropriate punishment. I wouldn't normally expect them to need something lasting multiple days at that age.

Myriade · 13/09/2019 19:54

Your u can have boundaries and not punish your child.
But the point is to have boundaries!

It sound like you would find it upsetting to even tell him off on the basis that it would have upset YOU (but wo taking into account his experience will be considerably different).

I also think that your DH might want to revive his strategy because it doesn’t seem to be working either....

You need to agree first and foremost in boundaries and what you find or dint find acceptable. That’s the first step.
THEN you can start talking about how to approach it.

FWIW thé telling you you u love her more than him might be some sort of manipulation on his part. OR the fact he is told off regularly and is getting resentful. OR the fact he hasn’t been parented the same way (it's rare when siblings are, let alone boy vs girls) and he sees his sister getting away with more than he does.
The first thing I would do is talk to them and see what’s going on.

FenellaMaxwell · 13/09/2019 20:06

All you need to do is read through the relationships board on here to see the kind of man that little boys with no consequences for poor behaviour grow up to be. Is that the sort of person you want your child to become? It’s not about you being popular, it’s about you equipping your children with the tools and skills to become well adjusted and balanced adults. Now woman up!

Original poster
Cockerpooowner · 13/09/2019 20:06

They both have the same mum and dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cockerpooowner · 13/09/2019 20:08

He bever back chats to me, he only does it to his dad. Even though he knows it'll get him in trouble

OP posts:
pooboobsleeprepeat · 13/09/2019 20:12

What wrong with a child involving himself in an adult conversations?
Sounds like he’a craving attention and is being punished for it.
If your dp keeps punishing him like that then he will grow up resenting him.
It’s the start of term so lots of change and emotions running high, the poor thing.
I suggest you reevaluate your expectations.

Original poster
Cockerpooowner · 13/09/2019 20:19

He does resent him. He doesn't like his dad at all, and it's purely because my husband does all the punishments and discipline and I don't. Then I feel sorry for my husband because then it's like hes the bad guy and I'm the good guy. My husband is a good dad, he treats them, loves them, provides for them etc.
I want to fix it now before he becomes a teenager. I need to be a team with my husband and discipline appropriately. Thanks for all the comments. You have confirmed for me that discipline and being told off or losing treats sometimes does not mean you will have a ruined childhood

OP posts:
Tighnabruaich · 13/09/2019 20:26

Being brought up to behave properly isn't 'a ruined childhood'.

Waveysnail · 13/09/2019 20:33

Try 1,2,3 magic method. Worked well with my boys - we used visual traffic light and when they got to red there was a set consequences - appropriate length time out/loss of electronics for set period etc. We also had a chore chart where they could earn rewards electronics time or they could save up their rewards for movie night, day out with mum or dad - we used marbles for this.

Very clear boundaries and consequences implemented by both parents but kids need rewards too

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