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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu..... I can't punish my son... Help!

89 replies

Cockerpooowner · 13/09/2019 19:15

Hi i need advice please before my marriage and family completely break down.
My eldest child is 8. He is a good boy mostly when out of the house , kind, well mannered to others, a nice friend etc, but when he is at home he is sometimes quite bossy with us, argues back, back chats, has an attitude, involves himself with adult conversations, that type of thing. This is if we ask him to do something /not to do something /or say he can't do something.
My husband hates my sons attitude and they don't have a very good relationship. They argue a lot and then he punsines our son by sending him to his room, or not allowing him on the x box for a while. My son obviously gets very upset at the time.
This breaks my heart and I just want to either let him off and talk it through instead, or have a short punishment rather than it lasting a few days. I don't like it when there is a bad atmosphere in the house. My husband and I then end up arguing over it.
Now I know that this is completely wrong of me and I should be backing up my husband. I just don't like my son thinking badly of me and I want him to have good childhood memories, not memories of us punishing him. I know this is rediculous, i know that he won't have respect for me especially when he's older, but i just can't seem to change.
When I was a child I was very well behaved and only got told off maybe once or twice my whole childhood and I can remember it vividly and how upset I was.
How can I be a better parent? I'm happy to hear all opinions, thanks

OP posts:
Septembersunrays · 14/09/2019 13:19

Same here mild.

Pam and braneluse good points.

Vulpine · 14/09/2019 13:38

Sorry but i'd be on the kid's side in this situation. Your dh sounds over bearing. Bollox to having to agree to everything your dh does!

Septembersunrays · 14/09/2019 13:44

Also disproportionate punishments cause lack of respect for the person dishing them out

HeadintheiClouds · 14/09/2019 13:48

Why is it so important to you to be the “good guy” when you freely admit it makes your son dislike your dh because he’s the poor sucker who has to stop your son running riot?
You sound as weak as water and it’ll be doing damage you don’t even realise.

Vulpine · 14/09/2019 13:51

Wanting to take part in adult conversations is not 'running riot'. He sounds like an intelligent inquisitive kid.

HeadintheiClouds · 14/09/2019 13:54

And the rest. That op herself posted about 🤣

Vulpine · 14/09/2019 14:04

What, that he can be 'quite bossy' and backchats? Jeez, hardly crime of the century. Or should he be seen and not heard Grin

HeadintheiClouds · 14/09/2019 14:08

It’s op that has the problem with him, not me. If all was rosy she wouldn’t have said “Help, I can’t punish my son!”...

That led me to suspect there was a problem 🤪

Vulpine · 14/09/2019 14:11

I suggest the problem is the husband

HeadintheiClouds · 14/09/2019 14:17

You may well be correct.

pikapikachu · 14/09/2019 14:50

Not instilling boundaries and discipline will create a child that will have problem with their peers and partners later on in life. That's far more serious and long-lasting than your son being temporarily angry that he can't play Xbox. You want him to become a member of society who is well liked.

Do you realise that you are a major reason that your son doesn't get along with his Dad? It is not fair on your husband to be the only one parenting. I am divorced and my ex is the same. He only wants the kids to have happy memories with him so doesn't punish bad behaviour any more. Your husband must be very resentful of the Good Cop/Bad Cop routine.

I have 3 teens and even the one who was the most difficult behaviour-wise at primary age isn't a big problem. He appreciates the consistency even if we have argued over details. He knows that no means no unlike his father whose wishy washy ways means that they misbehave more with him.

Branleuse · 14/09/2019 14:59

your kid and your husband have an awful relationship, so you want to try and be more like him so your husband can feel validated and your child has got noone.

Can you tell us some examples of naughty behaviour that he needs bigger punishments for

pikapikachu · 14/09/2019 16:47

I think that once both of you are on the same page with discipline, you'll find that your h can be less strict. The current dynamic is just going to make both of you more polarized.

FWIW no Xbox for several days for backchat sounds as extreme as letting him off for bad behaviour. (No Xbox is fine as a punishment though) Most kids try emotional blackmail on their parents so you need to grow a thicker skin. He says it because he knows it works on you. Your h needs to stop falling into the trap of arguing with his son - he's the adult so has to try and control things before they blow up into even bigger things.

yellowallpaper · 14/09/2019 17:13

Don't let him manipulate you with this DD comparison nonsense. The punishment is adequate for the misdemeanour and you should not allow your Xs to avoid responsibility for his actions

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