Aibu..... I can't punish my son... Help!

[Cockerpooowner]

Hi i need advice please before my marriage and family completely break down.
My eldest child is 8. He is a good boy mostly when out of the house , kind, well mannered to others, a nice friend etc, but when he is at home he is sometimes quite bossy with us, argues back, back chats, has an attitude, involves himself with adult conversations, that type of thing. This is if we ask him to do something /not to do something /or say he can't do something.
My husband hates my sons attitude and they don't have a very good relationship. They argue a lot and then he punsines our son by sending him to his room, or not allowing him on the x box for a while. My son obviously gets very upset at the time.
This breaks my heart and I just want to either let him off and talk it through instead, or have a short punishment rather than it lasting a few days. I don't like it when there is a bad atmosphere in the house. My husband and I then end up arguing over it.
Now I know that this is completely wrong of me and I should be backing up my husband. I just don't like my son thinking badly of me and I want him to have good childhood memories, not memories of us punishing him. I know this is rediculous, i know that he won't have respect for me especially when he's older, but i just can't seem to change.
When I was a child I was very well behaved and only got told off maybe once or twice my whole childhood and I can remember it vividly and how upset I was.
How can I be a better parent? I'm happy to hear all opinions, thanks

I think your DH needs to work on having a much better relationship with your ds. I imagine if he does that good behaviour will naturally improve anyway. Do they actually spend time having fun together? Just the two of them, without any arguing?

How is your ds behaving when it’s just the two of you?
What about with his dad?

Because I’m starting to wonder if. The problem isn’t your DH. But he somehow has convinced you it’s you.

Sorry you do sound a bit wet. Really, work out some boundaries all together. Look up family meetings and do them. You kids are old enough to start putting these in place.

The way your Ds acts with you is also the way he acts with his friends. So probably not very nice. And sometimes kids need to know that they are not actually gods gift. Please find your backbone.

He bever back chats to me, he only does it to his dad. Even though he knows it'll get him in trouble

Well your dh is actually causing it then isn’t he?

The punishments sound completely unreasonable to me. It doesn’t make any sense. What do you actually want your child to do? Model it.

He’s punished for trying to be part of your conversation? Jeez, that’s actually a good thing that he wants to learn and join in. Seen and not heard?

Read aha parenting website for starters. You and dh need to agree not bend to his will. If it doesn’t feel right to you, then it probably isn’t right. Do some reading.

I also think punishing someone for being a bit stroppy or joining in adult conversations (?!) Doesn't warrant being punished for days.

Yet I seem to be in the minority here and you're not bring firm enough?

Really?

Are people on here really punishing their DC with several day long sanctions for a bit of back chat?

No wonder your son is stroppy, it sounds like he's being treated unfairly to me...

It won't ruin his childhood. When the punishment is going on it doesn't mean you can't still be affectionate etc with him. Also suggesting to your husband that your son could perhaps earn things back may also help reward better behavior rather than just punishing bad all the time.

I agree that it shouldn't be your husband arguing with your son, just firm boundaries and consequences.

My brother had this issue with his son at this age, he was testing boundaries basically. He found that arguing with him just achieved nothing. He rewards good behavior instead now and things have drastically improved. He still obviously will remove things for bad behavior as well.

Your son is going to keep getting older and will push more, so it is also about your husband and you together finding ways to deal with this that is acceptable for both of you. But I don't understand this bit about inserting himself into adult conversations, do you mean he interrupts them or just tries to talk about older topics?

I would come up with an agreement with dh so you are on the same page
^this is the key but not easy to achieve. I believe in "natural consequences" and don't like just randomly banning things. Could you consider that, a really good book is "how to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk". I think you need to decide how you want to parent and then chat to your DH and talk things through. Maybe if you are your DH were on the same page about discipline that would work better?

Does your DS not have any fun time with his dad? Could they arrange a day out or something they regularly do just the two of them?

Why do you need to discipline your child for joining in an adult conversation? My son used to do this all the time. I just used to say 'scoot, this is an adult conversation', 'don't be nosey' or 'oi! bat ears!' I honestly don't think its a punishable crime.

@nanbread.

The OP has stated she is the lovely parent as dad does all the punishments. This is one of the reasons I'd imagine the relationship has taken a bit of a dent. If OP punished a bit more then dad wouldnt look so unreasonable all the time. Dad is also probably fed up with being the punisher and having his son dislike him which could be solved if OP had more of an input. They could then spend time together in a positive way instead of being frustrated with each other.

Stroppy was used. The exact conversation wasn't given so is OP minimising it? Children are welcome in conversati0ns with adults where appropriate usually but if the child is being stroppy or has an attitude then no, they're not welcome.

Your ds is running the show he has you wrapped Round his finger and you are letting him. If your dh sees his behaviour as needing to be pulled inline then he has a right to his opinion. I think you sound a bit of a pushover. My teenage daughter acts up sometimes and I would hate my husband to undermine me when I tell her off. Sometimes being a parent is hard and we can’t be there friend all the time

I agree with pp who say you don't need to punish. Boundaries yes. Ahaparenting website is fantastic on this. There is a game plan for each age group Inc. discipline (origin of which means to teach, not punish). It sounds like your DH needs to work on his connection with his son. Punishment only pushes them further apart.

In my view [and I do not hold myself as a model parent] it is usually too late when you are applying a "punishment" [or DH is].

It is better to establish the boundaries before the trouble starts. We found the command "eyes on me" focused [sorry] the child calmly and then was able to receive the information. "We expect that xxxx will happen. Please understand that if that does not happen then yyyy will happen" and you both need to follow up on what is promised.

When DS says "you love DD more than me" you can perhaps explain that you love all you DCs but in different ways. Younger children - by virtue only of age - need more time and attention

@Cockerpooowner

Your DH is authoritarian parent
You are a permissive parent which is the opposite

You both need to work on meeting in the middle, as Authoritative parents.

Read up on the diffeeent parenting style and agree together that u both need to work to get there.. or at least improve in that direction.

You’re being permissive as a reaction to ur DH and he is reacting to ur permissiveness by being extra authoritarian.

You parents need to support one another

It’s not easy but communication and teamwork is key.

And no it’s not completely ur fault

It sounds like you have no boundaries and your husband's are too strict. Probably because he's trying to almost over-correct the poor behaviour by being more strict on him.

Be on the same page. Discuss and agree upon a discipline technique, warnings, time outs and what is taken away if your son doesn't behave. Stick to it. You need to take a lead in discipline because your son knows you won't do anything about it, and when his dad does, you two will bicker and eventually he'll get away with what's happened. If you disagree about someone's parenting technique, discuss it privately so the children can't hear, and always remain a united front. If they sense any weakness, they'll just act up until one of you give in.

Honestly, I'd just assign myself to knowing it'll probably be a tough month. Lots of tantrums, huffing and whatnot. But once your son realises that the discipline is consistent between both parents, he'll start behaving better. And remember, discipline isn't punishment. They're different things. Kids need some structure and boundaries to thrive, and as long as your son still has outlets (creative hobbies, sports and whatnot), the consistency will do him good.

Also, if you think your DH and DS relationship is suffering, why don't they do some hobbies together or have 1 on 1 time? Just to start to repair that relationship.

When you read up on the different styles you can also read on the probably outcomes of your child’s personality due to ur parenting and you would realise both styles don’t work well

Team work makes a dream work.

Why don't you and your other half make a date night but also together write down a situation, then write a solution of each others opinions on how to deal with the situation. Look at it together, then 'talk together' about how you can deal with it together in the future.

Keep these solutions. You can look back at them in happy times, hard times, upset times, struggling times or even memories of how far you both as a couple have come.. Together.

You must have discipline, its part of childhood. But so is happiness. You can create that in different ways, you just have to make the memories but with boundaries along the way.

He could be resenting your other half, because he knows he can get away with anything alongside you. But then he could resent you in the future for never teaching him the wrong ways when he makes mistakes.

End of the day, you are the parent and you make the choices for you and your family. Whatever you choose, stick by it and you will do great.

Here for a chat whenever 😊 x

You're throwing your poor husband under the bus because you can't be a mature adult and care enough to discipline your child because it's hurting your feelings too much to do so? Yeah that won't turn out well

You wanted some tough love so here goes! You will, in the long run if not already, raise an entitled child. Who will turn into an unpleasant entitled adult.

My SIL never punishes her DS or gives him any sort of boundaries and I am sorry to say I and others find it very difficult to be around him.

Do him and your poor DH a favour and get a bit tougher.

“You have confirmed for me that discipline and being told off or losing treats sometimes does not mean you will have a ruined childhood”

Correct.

But your DH constantly on his case, arguing with him, imposing days of punishment could well contribute to a sad childhood.

Interesting that the definition of a ‘good dad’ is ‘provides for/loves/treats’ but what about the quality of the relationship. Does DH spend time doing stuff with DS? Spending time with him? Do they have positive interaction which doesn’t involve sanctions/treats?

Op don’t believe all the tripe about strictness being essential.

You can see the effects of it for yourself - upset, anger, resentment, damaged relationships- it’s awful.

Educate yourself. You have good instincts, now focus and go on aha parenting website.

Is your H a good parent, though, or is he an arrogant, bullying prick? Are the punishments he tries to impose proportionate, fair and reasonable?

Some men are basically inadequate, and bully their sons to make themselves feel like Charlie Big Potatoes. I am not at all in favour of the idea that you must always uphold another adult - kids do better if they see that adults will listen to reason and treat them fairly and that, just because they are children, adults do not have the right to gang up on them.

I'm a teacher. I've taught kids who have been sexually abused, physically abused, horribly neglected-. I've seen some really bad shit.

IMHO, at the extreme end, not punishing your child is amongst the worst abuse. I've known a very small number of parents who are do deluded about their kids that it distorts their whole personality.

Bothering enough to follow through with consequences is a sign of love.

Make the consequence immediate; punish the behaviour, not the child; have it over with quickly for small offences and speak to them about their behaviour after.

I can really sympathise OP. I genuinely was an exceptionally well behaved child. Now that I am a parent, I really wish I had been a worse child as the whole bad behaviour thing was just so alien to me when I had to start to tackle it. As a child I could never see the point of behaving badly as it was so much easier (for me) to be good. I have to really really try to remember that most children are actually not like I was and do test boundaries and so need to know where they are.

If you don’t set boundaries now, you are going to have major problems when he gets older and your ‘love for him and fear of punishing him, is going to bite you in the arse and you will be largely to blame.