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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DM unreasonable or am I - DH cheap holiday with sister

108 replies

Miaowing · 13/09/2019 11:18

DHs sister taking her family on big holiday to Florida. All park tickets paid for in advance by DSIL. Daughters split up with boyfriend. £1500 quids worth of spare tickets going for nothing.

DSIL said to DH - why don't you and miaowing come with up if you can get a flight. I run an IT business and can't get away due to deadlines and currently my business takes me away from home. We don't have kids.

DH can get return flights to Florida for £122 using his airmails that expire in two months anyway. Same flight his sisters family is on. He's on extended leave from work using up unused holiday so that's no an issue either.

I have absolutely no problem at all with DH going - I encouraged it. I see no reason why he shouldn't go.

Just had blazing row with my mother who has called him all the ungrateful selfish bastards under the sun. He shouldn't be going whilst you are sitting at home working. You earn the money in that household and he's off spending it (he earns 65K a year - I earn double that but its not like he's a kept man).

I tried telling her that when my dad was alive, she had no problem with him going off on golfing holidays. Apparently that's different.

DH and I are off to Lanzarote at the end of October anyway - we were i the Caribbean at Christmas and South of France in the summer - not like I never go on holiday.

I've said to mum that if I don't have an issue she shouldn't and all she said was "I hope it bounces all the way across the Atlantic and makes him sick".

This is going to cause long term atmosphere which I hate (the three of us normally get along really well!) but I can't see how what he's doing is a problem.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 13/09/2019 12:44

It would be a bit funny if he went to Bora Bora or some other typical honeymoon destination all by himself. But Florida theme parks? I'd be happy to send DH alone, as he likes those things and I don't care.

Original poster
Miaowing · 13/09/2019 12:46

Definitely not dick pointing elsewhere.......

Issues were surrounding me treating the house like a hotel, taking him for granted in terms of treating him like a paid skivvy, and generally acting like a slob in terms of dress and appearance.

Almost like the thread many women post about their DH's but this time in reverse. DM agreed with him because I've always had a tendancy that way.

I posted on here about it at the time under a different name before the post hunters go trying to find it.

The only element of the back story I haven't mentioned is I stay with my mother three nights a week at the moment because the client I'm working at is on the next street from where she lives. Its a no brainer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miaowing · 13/09/2019 12:46

If people do remember the thread or alternate id - I'd prefer it if you didn't link the two.

But I can see a name change coming.

OP posts:
Perisoire · 13/09/2019 12:48

However I have no problem with this and cannot get my head around couples where each has to pay their own way - that to me is not marriage.

Whilst YANBU about the holiday, you do sound quite judgemental here OP. Plenty of women have separate savings. Even the happiest of marriages can implode. You sound hopelessly naive.

amiapropermum · 13/09/2019 12:49

Even with the clarification around past issues it's still nothing to do with your mother. Must be a sore point with her for some reason

Mykidsweird · 13/09/2019 12:50

Ooh this sounds so familiar! My mum does very similar things and it always upsets me/makes me wrongly question DH.
DH works away a lot and sometimes when he’s home at weekends goes to watch footy. DM thinks this is selfish and that we should always do everything together. I would say her and DF are quite strange though as they NEVER do anything without each other, really annoying ridiculous criticism

AmIThough · 13/09/2019 12:52

I don't think your previous issues are relevant to be honest.
It'd be different if he'd cheated on you and was going on a gymnastics holiday with a group of 20-somethings, but he's going away with his sisters family and hasn't given you any reason not to trust him.

DistanceCall · 13/09/2019 12:52

Stop sharing so much about your relationship with your partner with your mother. She sounds jealous, to be honest.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2019 12:53

Why do you still seek your mothers approval, approval that she will never give you. You are an adult, you do not need her approval.

CalmdownJanet · 13/09/2019 12:53

Wow your mother sounds like a common thug Shock. I honestly would have told her in no uncertain terms that it was none of her business and her opinions were disgusting, unwelcome and that you are absolutely embarrassed and ashamed of her with an attitude like that.

Your sil sounds lovely though, given that people judge you by the company you keep I would spend less time with your mother and more with your in-law's

Peridot1 · 13/09/2019 13:00

I remember your previous thread and I am glad that things are better. Well done on facing up to the issues and making changes. Changes I’m hoping you were happy to make though!

This is a totally separate issue though. It’s nothing to do with your mother. If you are not bothered then she shouldn’t be. It sounds a bit of a generation thing in a way. I know my dad doesn’t really get me travelling on my own leaving DH at home. Although he had a few golfing holidays in his time.

Crockof · 13/09/2019 13:08

What does your dh do, please pm me so I can completely change my life/return to uni whatever, it sounds like my dream job, 65k and loads of holiday!!!!

Louloulovesyou · 13/09/2019 13:13

Wow that's bonkers! Ignore your mum. Or maybe ask if she has some other problem with your DH.....

KUGA · 13/09/2019 13:14

Sounds like a very selfish person to me.
Its your business not hers. your an adult and you dont need her approval anymore either.

OMGshefoundmeout · 13/09/2019 13:32

It is none of your mums business. You need to stop sharing so much with her, I get that you are close but it is sounding unboundaried. How does she know how much money you each earn for example? Maybe stay there less often if necessary.

BertrandRussell · 13/09/2019 13:36

Hmm. Does she have any reason to think he’s treating you badly?

Durgasarrow · 13/09/2019 13:40

Miaowing--I think you have diagnosed the problem brilliantly. You have a leaky boundary when it comes to your mother. But this is also a good thing. Because you know this is true, it can be fixed. If you do solid work with a therapist, you can fix this. I promise you. It happened to me. You will know how to have a good relationship with your mother without letting her treat you disrespectfully.

MumW · 13/09/2019 13:54

Just trying to imagine the kind of life with £65k and seemingly unlimited holidays, never mind adding another £130k into the household income.

Anyway, back to the point in question...

If you don't what to tell your DM to FO and mind her own business, then you could just say something along the lines of "Actually, I really looking forward to having some time to myself, slouch around the house a bit and catch up on , I'm looking forward to arranging a romantic break for us when he gets back."

It does sound as though your DM is far too involved in and totally jealous of your marriage and you should really consider pulling back a bit.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/09/2019 14:06

You have a double problem; oversharing with your mum and her flapping pie hole when you do. Luckily, both problems can be easily solved by keeping your business to yourself! And another result will be that because you aren't seeking her approval, you'll start to not need it.

As far as 'atmosphere' when your DH heads off to FLA (lucky dog!), you just ignore her and/or change the subject. As with tantrumming toddlers, you'll find that once your mum realizes that her antics aren't getting the response she wants, she'll stop. Or at least tone it down.

BTW, do you feel at all that perhaps your mum just doesn't like or perhaps resents your DH? Or that perhaps she feels that she 'lost' you to him in terms of time spent with her or the importance of her opinions to you? Just wondering because it seems just such a total overreaction on her part.

carly2803 · 13/09/2019 14:10

absolultely nothing to do with your mother!!

what on earth does he do to get 18 weeks a year off?!

that sounds ideal!! #offtopic

GabsAlot · 13/09/2019 14:13

Whats it got to do with her i dont understand her logic-you were invited you cant go but your happy for dh to-case closed

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/09/2019 14:15

If you're happy with it I really cannot see why your mother thinks her opinion is of any value whatsoever - it's YOUR relationship, not hers!

Maybe she wasn't so happy with your Dad's solo golfing holidays after all and is projecting?

I'd tell her to butt out - you've no issue with it and nor should she have, it's not her bloody relationship!

Derbee · 13/09/2019 14:33

Stop looking for her approval. Tell her to mind her own business. If she can’t, tell her to fuck off until she can.

The only people that have a say is you and your DH. When she says anything about it say “I’m not discussing it with you. It’s none if your business” on repeat. Cheeky fucker

Trying93 · 13/09/2019 14:47

The talk of rest days is something people in the emergency services say but pay and holidays sound too high for that.

Interested to know what your DH does as I may have a career change 😂

BertrandRussell · 13/09/2019 14:54

I think there is much more than this. I think the OP’s mother thinks she is being taken advantage of and this is the last straw for her.