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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DM unreasonable or am I - DH cheap holiday with sister

108 replies

Miaowing · 13/09/2019 11:18

DHs sister taking her family on big holiday to Florida. All park tickets paid for in advance by DSIL. Daughters split up with boyfriend. £1500 quids worth of spare tickets going for nothing.

DSIL said to DH - why don't you and miaowing come with up if you can get a flight. I run an IT business and can't get away due to deadlines and currently my business takes me away from home. We don't have kids.

DH can get return flights to Florida for £122 using his airmails that expire in two months anyway. Same flight his sisters family is on. He's on extended leave from work using up unused holiday so that's no an issue either.

I have absolutely no problem at all with DH going - I encouraged it. I see no reason why he shouldn't go.

Just had blazing row with my mother who has called him all the ungrateful selfish bastards under the sun. He shouldn't be going whilst you are sitting at home working. You earn the money in that household and he's off spending it (he earns 65K a year - I earn double that but its not like he's a kept man).

I tried telling her that when my dad was alive, she had no problem with him going off on golfing holidays. Apparently that's different.

DH and I are off to Lanzarote at the end of October anyway - we were i the Caribbean at Christmas and South of France in the summer - not like I never go on holiday.

I've said to mum that if I don't have an issue she shouldn't and all she said was "I hope it bounces all the way across the Atlantic and makes him sick".

This is going to cause long term atmosphere which I hate (the three of us normally get along really well!) but I can't see how what he's doing is a problem.

OP posts:
ineedanotherholiday · 13/09/2019 11:48

Not sure why your mother has such an issue with it. She is bu it seems.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2019 11:49

Your mother is being very unreasonable and very............odd about it tbh, why is she so invested in it?

Original poster
Miaowing · 13/09/2019 11:52

Yeah - it was obvious it was mainly my fault because she agreed with him about the issues.

OP posts:
separatebeds · 13/09/2019 11:52

very odd reaction from your mother but then you have not shared the back story of your 'big issues' earlier in the year. This may throw some light on why she is reacting int his way.....

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2019 11:54

also I would quite enjoy some time to myself at home aswell (nothing against my DH of course, it's just nice sometimes to get some alone time)

Justmuddlingalong · 13/09/2019 11:58

I think you're right in thinking that the issues you and your DH have recently had is clouding her judgement.
If you confided in her at the time, she has and will continue to have an opinion on your marriage. But, if things are settled now and you're both happy about him going on the holiday, your DM needs to back off and let you get on with it. Explain that while you appreciate the support she gave you when you needed it, that doesn't give her a say in other parts of your marriage.

HollowTalk · 13/09/2019 11:58

I don't know what the industry is but I'm dying to know!

Grambler · 13/09/2019 11:58

Your mother seems to know an awful lot about the ins and outs of your marriage, which seems to give her the idea that she says a right to choose if your DH goes on holiday. Where does that come from?

Elieza · 13/09/2019 11:58

Shame to let a perfectly good holiday go to waste. Unless there is someone else more deserving in the family like a single cousin and her child or something who won’t otherwise get a holiday he should go. It would be nice to pay back the boy though if he paid for the holiday and insurance didn’t refund him. Even if he has split up with the girlfriend. He won’t be earning £65k a year and that could have been his life savings he lost on that holiday. Your DH can easily afford to refund him and still enjoy a nice holiday with his sister and family. It’s nice to be nice.

Did your mum ever consider that you being on your own for a while may suit you? Peace and quiet at home can sometimes be like a break!
Tell her that you are happy. That you encouraged him to go. And that she should not wish such nasty thoughts on people. There is no need.
And don’t tell her all your business in future.

FinallyHere · 13/09/2019 12:00

I've always looked for approval deep down.

This could be your chance to start thinking about your DM from an adult viewpoint. Her opinion on this arrangement means less than nothing. You can demonstrate this by not disagreeing with her and continue doing what you were doing.

Bonus points if you can get a real MN head tilt in there, too.

Oh, and that would mean sharing less with her, too. I understand it's not easy and a bit of a milestone in your life when you realise this. It is a sign of being an adult.

BrendasUmbrella · 13/09/2019 12:02

This is the kind of post where I wish she would post. She does seem resentful towards him, but maybe she thinks she has good reason. Impossible to know unless she appears and posts.

yearinyearout · 13/09/2019 12:04

None of her business whatsoever! I would tell her in no uncertain terms if she has nothing nice to say to keep her mouth shut, otherwise you might not wish to spend time with her.

Original poster
Miaowing · 13/09/2019 12:06

The boy didn't pay anything to the holiday - all the costs were covered by DH's sister - all he would have to pay was spending money.

Dh's sister has literally paid for EVERYTHING. She was happy to change the name one the flight ticket until the airline wanted £800 for the privilege.

Hence the only reason DH has to book a ticket at all.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/09/2019 12:12

"I hope it bounces all the way across the Atlantic and makes him sick"

Wow!

That is so nasty & childish.

I'd have to have nothing to do with her for a while.

WonderWomansSpin · 13/09/2019 12:17

Her reaction is so ott that, since you usually get on well, I'd say you're missing something . . . or not sharing it here.

LyraParry · 13/09/2019 12:17

I'd tell my mum to stay out of my marriage if I were you. It doesn't matter what you decide between you, and you don't have to justify yourselves to her. If you are happy with it then that is it, end of story. She needs to keep her opinions to herself.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/09/2019 12:21

So hes only spending a couple of hundred pounds plus food etc, he is off anyway and you're working anyway, and you are ok with it

What would she rather he do, just sit at home twiddling his thumbs and watching tv?

If you had kids it would be different but him going away is literally no extra work for you

Of course she is being unreasonable. It is nothing to do with her and even if it was, there are no losers in this situation at all

ScreamingLadySutch · 13/09/2019 12:23

Your Mum IBU.

Note to self: don't cry to mum about the state of my marriage.

Apologise to your DH and hope he has a wonderful time.

GreenTulips · 13/09/2019 12:24

Miaowing

Sounds like your DM wanted the invitation and didn’t get it. Therefore by having a go at him being selfish and attempting to sabotage his holiday in return she’s hoping to go?? Possible??

Notajogger · 13/09/2019 12:25

DH and I had major issues earlier this year - mostly caused by me - and I don't know whether that is affecting her opinion.

As others have said, it seems you need to stop sharing so much with your mum. That would probably help with the approval-seeking too.

KatharinaRosalie · 13/09/2019 12:25

So what exactly is her problem? Does she think he should not go anywhere without you? That he earns less than you? Why is he 'ungrateful'?

Original poster
Miaowing · 13/09/2019 12:34

I honestly don't know. sHe definitely couldn't have gone even if it was her own family as she's disabled.

As I said my Dad used to go on golfing holidays before he died.

She said "He's off there whilst you're earning the majority of the money and paying for his kids"

He pays child support for his kids with his ex wife. Means that his disposable income is less - but that is fine and there way it is.

I'm not one of these - your money and my money - literally everything is shared. We have a joint account and our own account but everything goes onto a joint credit card which we pay off each month and then divvy things ups - it works for us but yes, it does mean I do keep him in a lifestyle he couldn't afford himself with his child support etc.

However I have no problem with this and cannot get my head around couples where each has to pay their own way - that to me is not marriage.

My mum and dad were the same - except more traditional in that dad was the higher earner - so maybe its that.

Then she said "I just think that Florida is the sort of thing you do together"

I lived in the States for three years when I was younger - its not like its a new thing!

I really do not get it other than mum and dad never went on holiday separately apart from Dads golf.

OP posts:
AwdBovril · 13/09/2019 12:35

Your DM sounds very judgmental. If you are happy with the situation - as you clearly are - then she should be. None of her business. You should probably stop discussing anything vaguely to do with fmily stuff with her, it sounds like she can make a mountain out of a molehill.

Hope your DH has a lovely time away on his cheap-ish holiday! And that you get plenty of work done in the relative peace & quiet.

Seeingadistance · 13/09/2019 12:39

Seriously strange response from your mother.

If this is out of character could it be that there is something else going on with her? Could she be ill, worried about illness or something else, ...?

ReanimatedSGB · 13/09/2019 12:41

Were the major issues him pointing his dick elsewhere, OP? Because that might be why your mum is in such a snit about him going on holiday without you - she may think that he's going to do it again if you are not there to spy on him.