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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Man in post office made me cry... somehow!

104 replies

OneSliceIsNeverEnough · 12/09/2019 23:01

Sigh this is such a non issue but it made me cry I just need to write it down.

Feeling hot dizzy and sick in the post office queue, swaying back and forth to ease the quease and gently rocking the front facing pushchair.

Man at the counter taking a while to get served, chatting to the lady, then turns around to pull a funny face or something at DS, I didn't really look, I was focussing on not falling down. DS 15 month has a thing for ladies somehow so I'm not sure if he smiled at this man but as for me I was looking away probably looking quite sick. He's standing about 8 feet away and didn't address me.

He turned back to the lady at the counter and said something about "she" and I thought oh ok people thinking DS is a girl again - happens sometimes. But the lady said "no, I think she looks tired". Still not totally sure which of us they were talking about and then the lady at another counter called me over and as I went to move I heard him say to the lady serving him "a smile costs nothing does it?"

This made me stop and I opened my mouth to speak like some kind of puffa fish but I thought what am I going to say? I apologise for being 8 weeks pregnant and feeling sick? I decided I didn't want to have to use pregnancy to apologise for myself when I hadn't done anything wrong. He can think what he likes but is there a need to say that within earshot?

I went over to the other counter and held up my money and somehow just burst into huge sobs. Gosh it was awful I was so embarrassed. The lady had to give me a load of tissue and I couldn't even raise my head.

Ill or not, do I really have to engage with everyone? I didn't scowl or frown at him.

I scurried away and he tried to cut me off but I just said "you didn't need to be so rude about me" and turned away.

Not to drip feed I've previously spoken about my one but really I'm not going to give this bloke a list of my ailments in the middle of the post office. Maybe I need a baby on board badge like in London.

I hope I don't bump into him again. And the lady in the post office sees me all the time I hope she won't say anything ☹

Sorry for the ramble.

OP posts:

Daffodil2018 · 13/09/2019 07:56

Twaaaaaat.

I was walking somewhere with a friend yesterday (in quite an "edgy" part of London), both of us with babies in prams. A man came up close to me and said "can I ask you something? Are you sisters?". He looked quite rough and I didn't want to get into a conversation with him. We didn't respond, just kept walking, so he asked again aggressively then shouted "it's a yes or no question" after us. He then waited outside a shop we went in to and shouted something at us again as we left. It pissed me off so much! Maybe I should have replied but I was walking somewhere with my baby and didn't want to get into a chat with some random man! Just leave us alone!

Wheresthebeach · 13/09/2019 08:12

I hate that type of comment - this telling women to smile is old fashion misogyny. Women have to 'look happy' to please all men. Bollocks.

I think 'oh do fuck off' is a reasonable response.

OMGshefoundmeout · 13/09/2019 08:20

Hopefully this will be a learning experience for him and he will keep his judgy opinions to himself in future. And FWIW I thought your response was perfect. It wasn’t rude or aggressive, it was heartfelt and honest.

acatcalledjohn · 13/09/2019 08:22

The OP is the one who was rude - she chose to engage on her assumption they were talking about her.

Go take a running jump.

Spudlet · 13/09/2019 08:22

There used to be a special train for coffins in London that went to one of the big cemeteries - the train workers apparently called it the Stiffs Express

That guy was a wanker op, and I’m sorry you had to encounter him. Sad, inadequate little knobber who needs a random woman to validate him. Prick.

dottiedodah · 13/09/2019 08:28

This kind of thing is so bloody patronising !.The little women have to become handmaidens of pleasure to ghastly entitled men!.This has happened to me before quite a bit, (Quite small and so look younger than I am!).Its like we have nothing else to think about than how to look "pretty", and now on earth could we have anything to worry about "Surely doesnt need to fret ,must have Big Bold Man to cover all the bad stuff "As if"!.Just jog on and mind your own beeswax!

user1471504234 · 13/09/2019 08:32

I generally don’t care what people say to me or think of me but there is a special kind of anger I have towards strange men who tell me to smile. I recently confronted a man who walked into my work and told me to smile and it got quite nasty. I should have just ignored it but I think there is a certain type of man who says that cos they know how angry it makes women. We should rise above it but it’s easier said than done!!

CaptainCallisto · 13/09/2019 08:32

I used to get this a lot. Once, during the month from Hell, I totally bit back. It went something like:

Him: Smile love!
Me: Why?
Him: Sorry?
Me: Why should I smile? My 18 month old son is in hospital and likely to be there some time, our landlord has announced he's selling our house giving us 28 days to find somewhere else, and we've just found out my mum's got cancer. Now what the fuck have I got to smile about? Is it for your gratification? Is it because my purpose as a woman is to look pretty and be accomodating? You can take your fucking smile and shove it up your arse.
Him:

It's one of my proudest moments

CaptainCallisto · 13/09/2019 08:33

Urgh - there were paragraphs in that post! Stupid app...

catsmother · 13/09/2019 08:54

Fucking sexist twat! I bloody hate this shit. Regardless of what may or may not be going on in your life, why the hell should women (and it's always women) feel compelled to interact with strangers when they're minding their own business? You want to smile at someone - fine - but you do so without expectation of a response and leave it if there isn't one. There could be any number of reasons for that... they didn't notice you, they did notice but don't have the time or inclination to engage, they may have smiled at a stranger in the past in all good faith and unwittingly became embroiled in an uncomfortable situation as a result of that innocent gesture... whatever, it's not your call! Why oh why oh why is it women who get called out like this? What possible difference does it make to a guy's day if an unknown woman doesn't return his smile, or worse, has the temerity to walk about in public without a grin plastered across her face? Why do 'they' find this so apparently upsetting?..... I can't decide if it's pure arrogance, in as much that any woman, regardless of circumstance, should be pathetically grateful for the unsolicited attentions of any man, or that 'they' see us as baubles and playthings whose role is nothing more than eye candy for the superior menz.

Original poster

OneSliceIsNeverEnough · 13/09/2019 09:03

This thread is beautiful. I love your responses. It seems it's a self confidence issue. If a man gets a woman to smile at him, he is not invisible and feels valued.

Fwiw I didn't engage with him.

I actually do look kinda pregnant because I have only lost half the baby weight from the first one so the twit should have been a bit kinder.

I think once men are fathers themselves they grow a bit of compassion. Some of them. I'll be sure to teach my DS to be a gentleman. I vommed the other day and he handed me his little sippy cup and stroked my back. He's only 15 months. So in love with him

OP posts:

PhilSwagielka · 13/09/2019 09:20

YANBU, it's none of his bloody business and I don't get why men expect random people to smile at them. For all they know, that person could have suffered a bereavement or lost their job or be in terrible pain.

Witchend · 13/09/2019 09:30

I don't get this anger.

The chap pulled a funny face at the baby to make him smile.
There's a conversation that could be about anyone from a mutual friend through to Theresa May.
OP has assumed he was complaining she didn't smile at him, when she's already said she was looking away, so seems unlikely. Just as likely that the PO lady commented on him interacting with the toddler and he was referring to himself.
He then went to speak to OP, which, on the basis she's just been in tears, is just as likely to have been him genuinely concerned about her.

From this I would say he sounds a perfectly reasonable bloke, who tried to amuse a toddler in a queue and by the sound went to ask if she was okay when she was crying.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/09/2019 09:35

If you were a rugby player he wouldn’t have said anything. The stupid prick

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/09/2019 09:36

How have we got on to Theresa May

HT85 · 13/09/2019 09:43

A man in a shop (post office funnily enough) once said to me ‘smile love it might never happen’. I had just been at the hospital with my best friend who died in front of me. I was 17 years old, I’ve never forgotten this and like PP can’t bear the fact some men assume it’s a girl/woman’s job to smile and look pretty

VividImagination · 13/09/2019 10:09

Your little ds sounds lovely. I bet he’ll adore his new baby! I have the same age gap and I loved it. They are 23 & 22 now and still best friends. Ignore the man. He made himself look a fool, not you.

Smotheroffive · 13/09/2019 10:10

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP! (as you like a slice or two!)

I think you conducted yourself honestly, and if he's just an idiot that has never questioned his or other men's behaviour at women, hopefully he will think on this.

Your reaction was honest and all perfectly reasonable. I've seen men be absolute bears with sore heads for far less! The horrible feeling of pregnancy sickness is very hard slog to keep on going through, and you have a toddler to keep up with.

Hols your head high, this is how people react when their sick and struggling, and he was shown to be the arse, to the PO where he'll likely have to go again.

I wouldn't put this down to PND either, but I would rest up plenty to help you recover from the sickness. Through mine, and others, its been the only thing that really seemed to work, and ginger (eeeuurgh!).

Hold your head high, whilst having your much needed rest and smile, hopefully you are most way through it.

m00rfarm · 13/09/2019 10:50

I kind of wished that your feeling of sickness had turned into the real thing - ideally onto his shoes. I really understand your feeling of sickness though - it is so debilitating and no one really understands unless they have been through it.

PuppyMonkey · 13/09/2019 11:25

@HT85 - that’s horrible.

When that’s happened to me - OFTEN - I have often wanted to say something absolutely outrageous back like “no I won’t smile, my mum has just died” and make the twat feel terrible and maybe think about what they say to a stranger in future, but I’ve never done it yet.

OP, you did well calling out his rudeness, I think you’re a star.

ElizaPancakes · 13/09/2019 11:55

@Witchend it wasn’t that that upset OP - it was the ‘smile costs nothing, love’ snide expectation that a man being friendly towards a baby needs some sort of thank you or acknowledgement from the mother.

No one says this to men. No one. And women rarely say it also. It’s fucking entitled and rude.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so ill. I’m sorry this idiot felt it was his right to talk about you to a stranger and make you feel small.

Sparklybanana · 13/09/2019 12:28

That's so funny, I hope he feels really bad for what I'm sure to him was a comment that 'normally makes women smile' . That comment pisses me off no end as I've got rbf. I've tried scowling, telling them my non existent sister has just died but honestly crying is a stroke of genius. What do men hate? Crying women. If that was the reaction everytime they bleated out that excruciating remark then it would stop super quickly. Excellent. Well done you. Hope the nausea stops soon and bring a sugary drink with you to try and prevent toppling over. Every other woman there would have been silently cheering you on!

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2019 12:31

awww OP hope you're sickness goes soon. Fucking men and their smile shit, fuck off

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2019 12:34

I vommed the other day and he handed me his little sippy cup and stroked my back. He's only 15 months. So in love with him

awww so cute

OhamIreally · 13/09/2019 12:51

I think men want us to smile to show that we are subservient to them. I saw a documentary where chimpanzees show their teeth/grimace to alpha males to acknowledge their supremacy.

I often wonder if that's behind the "smile love" - forcing us to acquiesce whether we want to or not. It's quite an aggressive act isn't it? That's why a man would not say it to another man because it would be understood exactly that it was an act of aggression, and that's why it upsets us because we also recognise it as such.

Often we do smile and placate men if we consider that's a way out of a potentially dangerous situation.

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