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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Man in post office made me cry... somehow!

104 replies

OneSliceIsNeverEnough · 12/09/2019 23:01

Sigh this is such a non issue but it made me cry I just need to write it down.

Feeling hot dizzy and sick in the post office queue, swaying back and forth to ease the quease and gently rocking the front facing pushchair.

Man at the counter taking a while to get served, chatting to the lady, then turns around to pull a funny face or something at DS, I didn't really look, I was focussing on not falling down. DS 15 month has a thing for ladies somehow so I'm not sure if he smiled at this man but as for me I was looking away probably looking quite sick. He's standing about 8 feet away and didn't address me.

He turned back to the lady at the counter and said something about "she" and I thought oh ok people thinking DS is a girl again - happens sometimes. But the lady said "no, I think she looks tired". Still not totally sure which of us they were talking about and then the lady at another counter called me over and as I went to move I heard him say to the lady serving him "a smile costs nothing does it?"

This made me stop and I opened my mouth to speak like some kind of puffa fish but I thought what am I going to say? I apologise for being 8 weeks pregnant and feeling sick? I decided I didn't want to have to use pregnancy to apologise for myself when I hadn't done anything wrong. He can think what he likes but is there a need to say that within earshot?

I went over to the other counter and held up my money and somehow just burst into huge sobs. Gosh it was awful I was so embarrassed. The lady had to give me a load of tissue and I couldn't even raise my head.

Ill or not, do I really have to engage with everyone? I didn't scowl or frown at him.

I scurried away and he tried to cut me off but I just said "you didn't need to be so rude about me" and turned away.

Not to drip feed I've previously spoken about my one but really I'm not going to give this bloke a list of my ailments in the middle of the post office. Maybe I need a baby on board badge like in London.

I hope I don't bump into him again. And the lady in the post office sees me all the time I hope she won't say anything ☹

Sorry for the ramble.

OP posts:

RosesAndRaindrops · 13/09/2019 02:11

Sorry, but I think your PND is talking here (know how it feels to feel crap)
If I got this I'd think knobber and move on.
He's no way of knowing how you feel inside. (Doesn't excuse, I know, but nothing you''ve put is anything past normal speech/interaction)
Reach out if you're feeling low x

GameChange123 · 13/09/2019 05:01

That man seems like a twunt! Sorry you had to experience that in the pissed- office (oops post office!) 😄

It's possibly one of those moments when you long for a witty riposte, like "no I can't smile at you luv as I might puke on ya"

Hope you feel better soon and know MN has got your back on this!

BringMeAGinandTonic · 13/09/2019 05:14

I wish I'd been there. I'd have stood up for you.

I was working in retail when I was about 18 or 19. I was always very cheerful back then, always smiling (not that I don't smile now lol). I answered the work phone one day and I must've had a smile on my face when I did so, as a male customer walking by me said "no one can see a smile on the telephone." Alrighty.

Hugs to you OP.

BlackCatSleeping · 13/09/2019 05:35

“A smile costs nothing”...neither do manners. Fucking entitled prick.

Perfect!

He was rude for taking so long chatting while other people were waiting.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 13/09/2019 05:37

@RosesAndRaindrops I think there's a little more to this than OP's PND, I think it's as a lot of people have highlighted: that women are meant to be empty, smiling ornaments that couldn't possibly have real lives with any kind of discomfort or stress or events or anything that could cause us to worry our pretty little heads. It's a super good point that has been made by numerous posters on this thread, which is that no woman would have said what this man did, to a man or woman.

I think it was a shitty thing for him to do. Imagining the scene as the op described, gosh I bet she didn't look so good. A smile costs nothing, indeed. How about a how are you? costs nothing, too. Here are a whole bunch of things that cost nothing, are we sitting comfortably, ready, steady, go:

You okay? Can I do anything?
Would you like a glass of water?
That's a really cool (whatever: pushchair, hat, kid's outfit; something small to say that is kind and soft to someone who looks like they're in need, some tiny way of connecting with that person to try to say, hey, you're not on your own, we can see you.)
So this is exciting, isn't it? (Good for most queues, especially with a little Welsh lilt on the exciting - helps if you're a little Welsh)
A kind smile
Pretty much anything that doesn't demand a reply or for the person to be or behave a certain way to make you feel happy. Isn't that kind of like... Narcisstic? I haven't slept so don't shoot me on that spitball and that was a weird thing to say right there.

OP, I had PND, good lord it's... I'm gesturing and opening and closing my mouth, and I have a towel wrapped round my head so I'm like an elaborate, pre-party... fish. I'm sorry, lovely. And the quease, too, that's two major things at once. I kinda wish you'd thrown up on the guy, just a little bit. Vomit costs nothing, right?

Jent13c · 13/09/2019 05:53

Currently pregnant and whenever I stand still for a long time my blood pressure drops really low so I would have been willing myself not to faint in that situation. When I was 7/8 weeks before I had my midwife appt I didnt realise it was so low so I fainted a few times. He would have definitely got a similar if not worse face from me in that situation!

Also around that time a stranger called me sassy and I cried for 2 hours in public. You did a lot better managing to calm yourself that I did!

It's ok to feel crap some days and not be super smiley. Maybe have a chat with the girl from the post office and thank her for the tissues but dont give him a second thought!

YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2019 06:04

Men never, ever, say it to other men. Fucking hate it. I used to get it so often when I was in m teens and 20s. I burst into tears once too- I had not long lost my father to cancer, some fucking wankstain went to pass me on the street and leaned in with "SMILE LOVE!" But in a totally.condescending way. I told himfuck off, my dad had just died. Some old woman gasped at me. It's just one of the many reasons I dislike having to interact with strange men.

Durgasarrow · 13/09/2019 06:11

Well, you're a woman, so of course a smile costs YOU nothing. Imagine him telling that to a man. This young lady points out that so often, men don't actually give women a reason to be happy, they just order them to smile.

AwkwardSquad · 13/09/2019 06:28

Some lovely supportive and funny posts on this thread. Completely agree with the points that some men command a smile rather than give a reason for someone to want to smile. There was a chap I’d see most mornings on the way to work and he’d always say something lovely (and never inappropriate) which cheered me up - we need more of that!

I’ve found that men don’t tell me to smile anymore now I’m getting older, and it’s certainly not something I’m missing. It’s a mix of middle-aged female invisibility and because I look quite severe, I think. I’m obviously a dead loss at looking decorative so no point in engaging with me

Timeaftertime42 · 13/09/2019 06:33

Oh love I'm so sorry that you're feeling shit right now!!
That man was a rude idiot and I hope he feels bad now. I hate the "a smile costs nothing" brigade. You don't owe him anything, he needs to learn to be a bit more empathetic and leave people alone!! Try not to give him another thought.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 13/09/2019 06:37

Yes I used to get this when I was young and pretty ("smile, it might never happen" was a favourite, I always used to reply "it already has").
Never happens now I'm in my fifties. Don't give it another thought - unjust hope your obvious distress and pulling him up on what he had said embarrassing him enough that he won't try pulling that stunt again. What a twat.
Here have my first bunch of flowers 💐

Workingmum8 · 13/09/2019 06:40

Urgh. Men have told me in the street to smile before and I swear, if that ever happens again I will call them out on it for harassment. It’s sexist and vile.

Sorry you’re feeling rough, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I think you handled it very well with your comment about him being rude. I doubt the lady at the post office would have agreed with him in the slightest.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/09/2019 06:43

I used to get it when I was younger but I am also invisible now - the bonus of being older. I have also had a man stop and ask if I was ok when I was crying hysterically and acting irrationally just after my dad died.

It wasn’t you, it’s him. He was looking for a dolly to make him feel better like his mummy may have done when he was a baby. He can’t have found true happiness if he acts like this to women. You otoh have so much to look forward to. Be kind to yourself.

NearlyGranny · 13/09/2019 06:43

Poor OP! Next time, just say, "I'm feeling rubbish and concentrating really hard on not throwing up. Come over her for that smile if you like, but there might be vomit with it. Or you can back right off and stop harassing women you don't know in public and , you know, do an impression of a gentleman!"

JapaneseBirdPainting · 13/09/2019 06:45

There is a type of man who thinks it is a woman's role to please him and it is his role to inform her how to behave in a way that pleases him.

It is misogyny and sexism. It's like when I a builder whistled at me and then said 'don't be so stuck up love' when I ignored him.

Now, I was having a bad day and I am in my 40s and no shrinking violet. I turned around and got stuck right in. How DARE he feel he had the right to interrupt me going about my daily life to first of all impose himself on me and then to dictate how I responded.

By the end of that, he was having a bad day too. (His apprentices were sniggering as well).

Fuckers.

Women do not go around and demand that total strangers rearrange their faces to cater to them.

FUCK OFF

doublesheesh · 13/09/2019 06:46

NearlyGranny perfect response!

Isadora2007 · 13/09/2019 06:54

Women do not go around and demand that total strangers rearrange their faces to cater to them.

Love this.

And OP I hope you’re feeling better now and cheered up that your reaction wasn’t OTT and that man was a knob. Mind you I was wondering how he would miss you were pregnant as I thought you said 8 months 😂

MouseInATelescope · 13/09/2019 06:58

He thinks a smile costs nothing, but he has manners like that and deliberately tries to make a mum with a toddler feel bad. He's in the wrong not you.

Wait until he says this to the wrong person and gets a right gob full!

MouseInATelescope · 13/09/2019 07:02

@Nearlygrannt "there might be vomit with it" love it

Deathraystare · 13/09/2019 07:22

Absofuckinlutely! Fed up with the pricks, they never do this shit to other men. Imagine if all women started to do it to them. They'd think what is up with that woman. Why should I smile at her????!!!

Deathraystare · 13/09/2019 07:23

NearlyGranny - that was so cool!

Paddington68 · 13/09/2019 07:28

Sometimes people can be complete tossers.
I am sorry this happened to you.

cdtaylornats · 13/09/2019 07:30

The OP is the one who was rude - she chose to engage on her assumption they were talking about her.

buckeejit · 13/09/2019 07:36

What a prick.

A smile costs nothing? Minding your own business & not being rude to people costs nothing either

MarianaMoatedGrange · 13/09/2019 07:51

Vomit costs nothing, right?

Also - I really want a train funeral now!

Yeah some men think women should smile on demand. I have a great death stare for the "smile, love" moments

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