To be scared of my DSD

[absopugginglutely]

My DSD (12) has been self harming and has ‘gone at’ her mum and dad with kitchen knives.
She’s currently with a child psychiatrist and cahms who are mid autism/ depression anxiety diagnosis and she’s been on anti depressant meds for a few weeks now.
Last night she snuck down stairs at 4 in the morning and took a sharp knife out of our (hidden and we thought secret) knife box (we’ve been hiding them since she said she was self harming 6 months ago)
She then took this knife into school and cut herself so badly in the toilets that a friend found her and reported it and she’s been in a&e ever since.
What really frightens me about all of this is that I have a 2 year old daughter and the very thought of my DSD creeping downstairs in the middle of the night to find a sharp knife is very freaky and unsettling.

She has never shown any unpleasant behaviour towards my DD so part of me thinks I needn’t worry but I also feel a strong instinct to protect my daughter from the smallest risk that she could harmed.
Ive thought of moving away but I love my DH dearly and I don’t want to be without him.
What’s really strange is how bright and breezy my DSD was this morning and last night to the point where it really stood out as unusual.

I can’t stop her from staying here but I’m in a constant state of anxiety about the impact of all this stuff on my own DD.

@absopugginglutely. I read your post as soon as it came through last night, my heart fell. I can only imagine what a nightmare this is for you, I am so sorry that your real fears and worries are being suppressed and you are not getting any support at all. Is your DH the father of your DD?

Unfortunately, the safety of your DD seems to be overlooked by everyone in your life, including your DH and CAHMs and I think this is so unfair to say the least. It is all too common that if anything does go wrong and a tragedy happens, there are always the statements " we will learn from this" 'They' never do. There is very real danger and if I was you I would move out until you feel safe in your own home, but I do agree with you that contacting SS may be your best move as you are not allowed to voice your concerns to anyone else in your life.

I do feel such sympathy for your DSD, but she does have a support network. You don't, please stay safe.

I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry you are all having to deal with this. Poor girl just sounds so tortured in her own mind. She certainly sounds like she only wants to harm herself and not anyone else. I hope it all works itself out. X

I would advise that you need to be considering the potential safeguarding risk to your DD.

I think this is a safeguarding matter too. I'd ring children's services first thing on Monday, OP and ask for their advice. They have a duty to both your DD and DSD.

CAMHS is so appallingly under-resourced it's a disgrace.

Is it PDA (pathological demand avoidance?) part of an extreme anxiety driven behaviour and subset of autistic spectrum. My daughter had this - escalated through first year of secondary and went OTT in 2nd year. the ONLY thing I could do was take her out of school. She had to literally do nothing for 2 years to recover, then took herself back into education in a way she was in control of. Can look like oppositional defiance, but the fact they are looking at autism suggests this is reactive, even if manipulative, rather than pre-meditated or 'voices'. My daughter can also get carried away believing, and then living out, different mental health issues. She also threw herself down stairs rather than have to go to school.

Look up the PDA resource pages, look at the PDA stuff on Facebook.

@NettleTea thanks for your insight yes she has got PDA.
Our hand will be forced on the home Ed front in the future we are aware of this and the unschooling to get her back to zero.
I’m part of lots of PDA forums etc but this recent behaviour seems more than ASD and a specific mental illness that is yet to be identified.
She has a psychiatrist appointment in 2 weeks where she will be diagnosed and it can’t come soon enough.

So sad that she is being considered low risk and has been realised with no additional support for her or any of you.

I hope the psychiatrist app't is brought forward and gives a plan

I feel for you, you're in an impossibly tough situation and you're doing the right thing in prioritizing your daughter.

Thanks. She’s been walking in the woods with her mum today. My poor DH has been genuinely traumatised all day. He’s like a shell.
We bought proper lock boxes for sharp things and medicines, we’ve bought locks for the doors and are going to take down the indoor climbing equipment because it has ropes and a trapeze hanging from it.
Being constantly alert to the risks of self harm/suicide is SO stressful.
Even today her mum found a Kirby grip had been straightened out in the bathroom and when she asked DSD what she’d been doing with it DSD lies and said “picking my nose”

On it goes...

Hi OP wishing you & your family all the best including your DSD, hope you will soon get a proper diagnosis for her.
I think you sound like an amazing Stepmother trying to get the correct help for your DSD.

I was mentally unwell as a teen & never got the help I needed; so as a result I've only just got a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder (with bipolar) 2 years ago after a lifetime it seems of suffering mentally.
Hopefully this won't be the case for your DSD but you & your DH will have to fight to get the help she needs which is really wrong.

I do agree that you need to protect your 2 year old - your DSD may only want to harm herself but if she IS hearing voices she may feel she has to harm others.
When I was about 10 I got intrusive thoughts telling me to hurt others which I had to fight against all the time, it was awful but I couldn't tell anyone. Then they went away & came back whenever I was stressed. This never really stopped until I started taking high dose anti psychotics literally 3 years ago.

If your DSD is really suffering these kind of symptoms she may need anti psychotics too. I can't believe that she was just discharged like that from a&e.

Hope you find some answers & some help soon.

@tierraJ thanks for taking the time to give me that insight. It must have been very hard for you as a youngster.
If DSD does have a mental illness and is having to live with it without medication or appropriate therapies, she will be in a living hell.
And I suppose then by extension, so are all the people around her.

DH got called to her house last night because she has pushed a bobby pin up her nose to make it bleed then kept a small bottle of her blood in a bag which she drinks from “to give her energy” she calls it Patrick.

In this^^ I semi-wonder if she’s just been watching too much dark anime/ is trying to get a shocked reaction from her mum, she does get it.
My DH says that Cahms have said they just appear un-shockable.

It's so worrying that there is so little help available. What does she actually have to do to get the help she needs? She's so crying out for it.

Well a suicide note got her an appointment with cahms 6 months later.

Op i have just read this thread through.
I so wish i could say something that could make a difference to all your lives.
I think you sound like a brilliant step parent.
Plesase keep talking to us.......we may be strangers on the internet but we care and we are here to listen.

Massively feel for all involved in this situation. You sound so lovely and understanding too. I have to say though, there's not a chance in hell she'd be allowed to stay at my house with my 2 year old at home until she's considerably better.

Would encourage your partner to stay at her mums house to give her mum a break but your home needs to be a safe haven for you and your daughter.

So sorry to hear about this situation. I can only reiterate what others are saying.

Lock up the sharp objects. For us it was knives, scissors, crockery (we used plastic) needles even thread was used by my son for self injurious reasons.

It is also a safeguarding issue. Children's social care and CAMHS were involved with us.

Someone suggested keeping your SD's anxiety as low as possible and reducing demands. This helped with us, somewhat, but it meant we walked on egg shells.

In the end, my son (who was a little older than your SD) had some time as an inpatient in a CAMHS unit.

The situation for us improved , but it can take a long time.

Has your SD got an EHCP? If so, an emergency review with all agencies and individuals concerned could be called to discuss options.

It is a

What an awful situation for you and everyone involved OP, I really hope your SD gets the diagnosis she needs and you are able to obtain a feeling of safety for you and your little one

Thank you for your well-wishes everyone.
I don’t know what is going to happen this week. Her mum will probably ask me if I can have her because she has to work and I’ll be at home with my DD but I’m preparing myself to say no because I feel out of my depth with dealing with her while she’s so unstable especially while I’m looking after my DD too, I can’t keep a suicide watch level of care over her.
I wish my husband’s work place would let him work from home.

You can’t have her on her own. If you’re asked to then you need to be honest that she needs more care than you’re able to give when you also have your daughter to look after. Her parents can take leave and should as she needs full supervision, they need to make suitable arrangements. It’s a tough situation for everyone but there are 4 adults in the frame (DM has a partner?) and you know it’s not right for anyone to expect it to fall to you.

What an awful sit uation.
But it really wouldn't be approved for you to look after DSD for 2 reasons:
firstly you are responsible for the safety of your 2 year old , who has to be your priority. Secondly, this clearly distressed DSD should be with one of her parents. They need to prioritize her. They will have to make arrangements .
Please do resist any pressure to look after her by yourself.

Sorry, " appropriate " not " approved ".

Thank you. Yes I have already told DH that I want to be removed from the “school refusal timetable” (We cobbled this together between the three of us to manage her being at home all week last year when she was too anxious to go in)
I hate that it adds extra pressure to him and ultimately it will to me too because he’ll have to drop his hours at work but she is in such a scary place, I feel out of my depth to deal with it. Last time I had her, her mum had left her house keys with DSD and asked her to feed the cat, she went to her mum’s on her own (30 seconds away) and just locked herself in the house, wouldn’t pick up the phone or answer the door. Eventually I got her to come back to our house but she was so furious with me she refused to come to her dads (our house) for the rest of the week even on the nights he normally has her. I simply said “come on back, your mum will be home in 20 minutes” but that was too much direction/demand from her pov. The reason this was stressful was because I had my toddler at the time and was having to carry to and from our house to DSD’s mum’s house all while trying to do breakfast and get out.

This^ is just one example of why it’s just not workable and most importantly the having to keep such a close eye on her because of the suicidal feelings too.

How are things going for you OP? Sounds like a very tough situation all round