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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared of my DSD

122 replies

absopugginglutely · 12/09/2019 22:43

My DSD (12) has been self harming and has ‘gone at’ her mum and dad with kitchen knives.
She’s currently with a child psychiatrist and cahms who are mid autism/ depression anxiety diagnosis and she’s been on anti depressant meds for a few weeks now.
Last night she snuck down stairs at 4 in the morning and took a sharp knife out of our (hidden and we thought secret) knife box (we’ve been hiding them since she said she was self harming 6 months ago)
She then took this knife into school and cut herself so badly in the toilets that a friend found her and reported it and she’s been in a&e ever since.
What really frightens me about all of this is that I have a 2 year old daughter and the very thought of my DSD creeping downstairs in the middle of the night to find a sharp knife is very freaky and unsettling.

She has never shown any unpleasant behaviour towards my DD so part of me thinks I needn’t worry but I also feel a strong instinct to protect my daughter from the smallest risk that she could harmed.
Ive thought of moving away but I love my DH dearly and I don’t want to be without him.
What’s really strange is how bright and breezy my DSD was this morning and last night to the point where it really stood out as unusual.

I can’t stop her from staying here but I’m in a constant state of anxiety about the impact of all this stuff on my own DD.

OP posts:
mcmen05 · 13/09/2019 11:17

Could you let your dd stay with grandparents tonight.
I think it would be very disruptive for your DSD if she had to stay with her mum tonight she will think her dad doesn't want her and doesn't care.
And if you leave she will think you don't want her. This could be even more damaging to her.
Running away when she needs you the most is not going to help but I do understand it's a safety reason. You go in bedroom with your own dd and lock the door.

PinkCrayon · 13/09/2019 11:28

I would move out in your shoes it sounds far too dangerous situation for a 2 year old. It doesnt mean you have to split up with your dh just living seperatly for the time being until dsd is more mentally stable.

LakieLady · 13/09/2019 11:42

*That kid is a monster in the making and you really don't want that near your child. that kid is going to be a mess in the next few years and wont be able to control herself any more then she do now, if not she will be worse.

Where the hell did this child pick this up from.*

Mental illness isn't contagious, @A88ie1, nor is it copied.

OP, clearly you have to put your child's safety first, but I'd put off making any decisions until you know what the hospital says. I wouldn't rule out a spell as an in-patient, which will give you all a bit of breathing space while you all consider your options.

Maybe your DH could stay at her house on the nights he has her, or something.

I really feel for you all, this is so frightening.

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 13/09/2019 13:12

I don’t really believe in “monsters” A88ie but thanks any Hmm way

Thanks so much all. Cahms are talking to DSD at the hospital now.

It’s hard IRL. We have no family anywhere near us and limited finances to escape even for a night.
I also feel quite gagged with our RL friends because they are all also friends of DSD’s mum too so I have to be sensitive to the fact that she or indeed DSD might not want them to know the ins and outs. This leaves me silenced and unable to easily talk to our community of friends who we see often.
So I appreciate being able to talk here. Thanks.

OP posts:
Dillydallyingthrough · 13/09/2019 13:33

Could your parents or siblings visit for a weekend/week, etc. Just to support you, someone you could talk to openly?

You really need some support yourself.

splitthedifference · 13/09/2019 13:50

Are you fully kept in the loop about DSD's condition, OP? I'm just asking because when my DSD went through similar, I wasn't allowed to know anything. When CAMHS people came to my house, and God knows who else, they wouldn't even acknowledge me or let me in the room where DSD was, because I'm not her mum. It made me feel very powerless and isolated.

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 13/09/2019 14:55

I have no family who can help unfortunately.
DSD has just been discharged and is apparently ‘low risk’ and it was just a cry for fucking help. Angry

My stomach is in knots, awaiting her arrival.

OP posts:
DriftingLeaves · 13/09/2019 15:13

I think you should insist she stays with her mother. You have to keep DD safe.

MrsMozartMkII · 13/09/2019 15:29

Just saw your latest update. Bloody hell. I'm sorry lass.

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 13/09/2019 15:31

Ah just found out that she will be with her mum for the weekend. I can't believe she's been discharged without any new meds or a diagnosis.
On it goes until someone gets seriously harmed or worse. Sad

OP posts:
TrainspottingWelsh · 13/09/2019 15:33

Have they assessed her as low risk knowing her full living situation or has it possibly been missed?

I can easily imagine the situation where they’ve asked about other dc and her mother, understandably distressed has said no out of dps earshot thinking only of at her house.

timeforawine · 13/09/2019 15:40

Sorry OP, no advice but i really really hope things get better and your all ok. Flowers

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 13/09/2019 16:05

Thanks.
I’m tempted to ring SS myself to see what their risk assessment of all this is because my DH and CAHMs apparently don’t give a shit.

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets · 13/09/2019 17:05

I would advise that you need to be considering the potential safeguarding risk to your DD. Your dh will be in the position of not imagining a child of his that hr loves dearly would hurt another child of his. But your instincts are all screaming at you to protect your daughter however fond you are of DSD. I would seek advice from social services duty team in your position and see what they advise.

AnonAgainToday · 13/09/2019 17:17

Sounds like she needs lots of love, support and unconditional validation from you.

However, I would keep toddler in with you for a bit and consider a very discreet little lock or alarm on your door. She wouldn't notice a little door alarm, but it would give you piece of mind. Doubt she means any of you any harm, extremely unlikely she'd use a knife in any of you, but it might reassure you at least Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2019 17:19

Sounds like she needs lots of love, support and unconditional validation from her mum and dad.

OP’s priority and responsibility is her 2 year old.

Cakeorchocolate · 13/09/2019 17:53

That's awful that she's been discharged with no additional support.

With that in mind, you are all aware that the current situation is not working for dsd's mh. Or quite frankly, any of yours.

Is dsds dm able to keep her home from school? (As you're not able/willing - no judgement on that by the way just repeating what you said). Imo mental health is much more important than attempting to receive a standard education. The beauty of home educating is that you do not have to follow a pre set curriculum. You say dsd is difficult to force to get dressed or wash some days. HE would allow flexibility for her to take the time she needs on those days. If that's all day, so be it.

You (when I say you I mean as a family not just you personally OP) could look into the unschooling method. I read lots of success stories about people struggling that have found it helpful.

Largely we are programmed that the established education system is necessary to function in life. Some people can't function in that system though. Maybe dsd, and therefore the while family, would benefit from trying a proper break from it.

I realise it would not be easy to do but something has to change in her life. Whether that's the living arrangements, or schooling or both. You all cannot continue as you are for everyone's safety and well being.

isadoradancing123 · 13/09/2019 17:55

Cant believe she has been discharged, taking a knife to her parents and herself , lock on your door definitely and keep your toddler away from her

Cakeorchocolate · 13/09/2019 17:56

Also, I thinks its unlikely that you dh doesn't give a shit. He is probably just feeling utterly helpless and doesn't know what to do either.

Cakeorchocolate · 13/09/2019 17:58

Have you tried trying to imagine if it was your dd in this situation in 10yrs time.
What would you try to do in that situation? What would you be willing to do to try to help her?

meyouandlulutoo · 13/09/2019 18:01

AnonAgainToday
However, I would keep toddler in with you for a bit and consider a very discreet little lock or alarm on your door. She wouldn't notice a little door alarm, but it would give you piece of mind. Doubt she means any of you any harm, extremely unlikely she'd use a knife in any of you, but it might reassure you at least

OP wrote this in her original post:
My DSD (12) has been self harming and has ‘gone at’ her mum and dad with kitchen knives. Whether her DSD means anyone any harm or not she is capable of harming others as well as herself and this is a very real danger and worry for OP.

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 13/09/2019 18:04

DH is very traumatised by these events and is just processing it all I think.
We know about unschooling very well and thought about it because she’s such an anxious child that the school thing doesn’t really work for her.
The problem is money really, we need to work, home Ed/ having a kid at home the whole time is not easy from that POV.
That aside I think it’s the mental health stuff that’s not been diagnosed / treated that worries me more because I feel that we are now just waiting for the next incident to occur.

OP posts:
Original poster
absopugginglutely · 13/09/2019 18:08

@Cakeorchocolate
What I would do with my own DD is a separate issue entirely. I have no sway when it comes to how DSD’s parents are choosing to deal with this.
A few weeks ago she didn’t want to go to the supermarket with her mum so she locked her self in her room and scratched her hands until they bled to (imho) get her own way. There was no food in the house and as it was DSD had not left the house for 3 days and nights.

I would be doing things differently but as I’m sure you can appreciate, my role as a step mother is one that involves a lot of walking on eggshells so as not to put my foot in it.

My business is keeping my DD safe.

OP posts:
LL83 · 13/09/2019 18:09

That is awful OP. Lock on kitchen door and bedroom door might help for now.

MotherofTerriers · 13/09/2019 18:13

OP, it might be better for your DSD to stay at her mums, with her dad staying there to give her mum a break. Moving from house to house may be adding stress to her.
If your DP isn't prepared to do this, I would leave in order to keep your DD safe. And I'd be putting a leaving plan in place in case I needed it.

Ringing SS seems sensible, pointing out the safeguarding risk might help to get more support for DSD