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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared of my DSD

122 replies

absopugginglutely · 12/09/2019 22:43

My DSD (12) has been self harming and has ‘gone at’ her mum and dad with kitchen knives.
She’s currently with a child psychiatrist and cahms who are mid autism/ depression anxiety diagnosis and she’s been on anti depressant meds for a few weeks now.
Last night she snuck down stairs at 4 in the morning and took a sharp knife out of our (hidden and we thought secret) knife box (we’ve been hiding them since she said she was self harming 6 months ago)
She then took this knife into school and cut herself so badly in the toilets that a friend found her and reported it and she’s been in a&e ever since.
What really frightens me about all of this is that I have a 2 year old daughter and the very thought of my DSD creeping downstairs in the middle of the night to find a sharp knife is very freaky and unsettling.

She has never shown any unpleasant behaviour towards my DD so part of me thinks I needn’t worry but I also feel a strong instinct to protect my daughter from the smallest risk that she could harmed.
Ive thought of moving away but I love my DH dearly and I don’t want to be without him.
What’s really strange is how bright and breezy my DSD was this morning and last night to the point where it really stood out as unusual.

I can’t stop her from staying here but I’m in a constant state of anxiety about the impact of all this stuff on my own DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
absopugginglutely · 12/09/2019 23:43

*ate

OP posts:
FluffyCloudsInTheSky · 12/09/2019 23:44

Agree with staying elsewhere if possible. I hope she gets the help she needs Thanks

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 12/09/2019 23:46

Thank you for your kind messages everyone. Her mum has just come to collect all her stuff for an over night stay in the hospital. She’s distraught.
I don’t really have anywhere I can go but I can try to keep things as normal as possible for DH and our DD.
DSD will be with her mum tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
absopugginglutely · 12/09/2019 23:46

I’m now thinking of who I know with a spare room..

OP posts:
GibbonLover · 12/09/2019 23:47

she's a mentally ill 12yo CHILD. She's not going to harm your DD

Oh don't be ridiculous. Plenty of CHILDREN, some younger than 12 have harmed, even killed others.

Notajogger · 12/09/2019 23:51

Sounds awful OP. You say your DD is in with you at night but you're still concerned - as I would be - could you put a lock on your bedroom door? Sounds extreme maybe but would let you get some rest at least.

Newnameforthis12 · 12/09/2019 23:52

If she is hearing voices this is more than depression someone needs to tell her drs about this as she should be held for evaluation.
I know how harsh that sounds but it truly sounds as if she is a danger to herself (and possibly others) and needs inpatient treatment

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 12/09/2019 23:52

It has crossed my mind to put a lock on the door. Pretty upsetting thing to have to do but cheaper than moving out entirely (which I am seriously considering)

OP posts:
Oranginna · 12/09/2019 23:52

I agree with others saying that you and your 2 year old should stay elsewhere if possible.

TrainspottingWelsh · 12/09/2019 23:57

Although you of course won’t want to risk harm on the basis of a random poster telling you that even self harmers that threaten their parents are almost never a risk to young children, and you won’t be privy to any confidential psychiatric assessments to make your own judgment on, I would say that if anything comes to light that raises even the slightest suspicion your toddler maybe at risk, safeguarding teams would soon be investigating your dds welfare, regardless of what they do about dsd.

42bsh · 12/09/2019 23:57

Could the dad spend more time with his daughter at her mums house for the next few night /weeks and help her there. Then that could reduce overnights at yours and keep your step daughter feeling secure

runoutofnamechanges · 12/09/2019 23:58

It sounds like there may be more going on and possibly a further diagnosis if she is hearing voices now Flowers

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 13/09/2019 00:05

Yes. I’m wondering if she has some kind of mental illness that wasn’t even on our radar.
I will ask if she can stay at her mums tomorrow night rather than at ours as she normally does on a Friday night. Who knows she might be transferred to some kind of secure unit when cahms see her tomorrow.

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 13/09/2019 00:10

I’m not sure if the thread was yours or not but there was a post a while ago about exactly the same thing but I’m not sure how it ended

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 13/09/2019 00:11

Absolutely put a lock on your bedroom door

What a horrendous situation, I hope DSD can get the help she needs quickly.

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 13/09/2019 00:17

How sad for your DSD. I’d speak with the psychiatrist at the hospital, but I imagine the risk of a self harming teen harming others is very low. She’s in pain and trying to take her mind off it by self harming. I very much doubt she would want to hurt anyone else. Good luck

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 13/09/2019 00:21

I don’t know. If a pre-teen plunges a kitchen knife into the centre of their chest at school, I think anything’s possible 😥

OP posts:
Marcipex · 13/09/2019 00:21

What an awful situation for all of you.
You must put a lock on your bedroom door tomorrow. It’s not an extreme thing to do, it’s the only sensible thing to do.
Is there any reason your SD can’t live with her mother? Then your dc would be safe. Sorry if that sounds callous but you must prioritise your own child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2019 00:21

I very much doubt she would want to hurt anyone else.

She’s already tried to attack both of her parents with a knife.

StudentHelp · 13/09/2019 00:22

I’d move out, OP

stroopwafelgirl · 13/09/2019 00:28

Mental health services are stretched to breaking point but it sounds like she may have hit the necessary “crisis” point to warrant emergency hospitalisation on an acute psychiatric ward. I really do despair, both for her and for you. It is a heartbreaking and desperate situation. I hope you are able to work together with her dad and mum to advocate on her behalf and get her the help she needs - either to get better or to manage her condition more effectively. Sending lots of love and strength.

MartiniDry · 13/09/2019 00:30

For me that would be no question. I would totally support my husband in caring for his 12-year-old, but under the circumstances that could not be in our family home.

I don't think that it's right that you and your two-year-old should be forced out of the only home you have. The only solution would be for your husband to carry out his duty to care for his 12-year-old somewhere else.

kateandme · 13/09/2019 00:30

was she attacking her parents or was she lashing out in distress/wanting to get away,in the middle of a distressing moment as oppsosed to going at them with a knife intentionally to hurt them?i dont say that to be goading im just thinkking along the lines of other posters if she is trying to kill herself,is depressed and self harming they dont want to hurt others.they just want the pain to stop and or want to kill hurt themselves.

RubbingHimSourly · 13/09/2019 00:39

Op, you may find that ss become involved as there's a young child in the home it may be recommended that your SD isn't allowed to stay overnight. In your situation I'd contact them myself. It's not a risk I'd take, she's clearly extremely unwell.

My DS who also has Autism and can be violent has it stated in his risk assessment he isn't to be around anyone under the age of 18 and he's never gone for anyone with knives (( but can be extremely violent )) if it's possible for you to spend time with SD in the day so she can see her sibling but sleep elsewhere then that's definitely the route I'd go down.

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 13/09/2019 00:45

My husband and I have her here every other weekend and two nights a week every week.
It is important for DSD’s mum to have a break from DSD as she is very hard work and DSDs mum has her own mental health issues to try and keep in check so to ask her to take my DSD full time could end disastrously for her mums mental health.
Thank you all for being so kind. I’m glad in a way that you all recognise it for the serious situation that it is. Friends of all of ours suggest silly things like cannabis oil and better boundaries they really don’t get it at all. It lonely.

OP posts: