To be scared of my DSD

[absopugginglutely]

My DSD (12) has been self harming and has ‘gone at’ her mum and dad with kitchen knives.
She’s currently with a child psychiatrist and cahms who are mid autism/ depression anxiety diagnosis and she’s been on anti depressant meds for a few weeks now.
Last night she snuck down stairs at 4 in the morning and took a sharp knife out of our (hidden and we thought secret) knife box (we’ve been hiding them since she said she was self harming 6 months ago)
She then took this knife into school and cut herself so badly in the toilets that a friend found her and reported it and she’s been in a&e ever since.
What really frightens me about all of this is that I have a 2 year old daughter and the very thought of my DSD creeping downstairs in the middle of the night to find a sharp knife is very freaky and unsettling.

She has never shown any unpleasant behaviour towards my DD so part of me thinks I needn’t worry but I also feel a strong instinct to protect my daughter from the smallest risk that she could harmed.
Ive thought of moving away but I love my DH dearly and I don’t want to be without him.
What’s really strange is how bright and breezy my DSD was this morning and last night to the point where it really stood out as unusual.

I can’t stop her from staying here but I’m in a constant state of anxiety about the impact of all this stuff on my own DD.

Better boundaries for a serious mental health issue? What idiots. This poor girl is clearly very ill, it’s nothing to do with parenting.

I am so sorry you are all going through this. Your concerns are completely understandable.

She clearly is having a mantis, health crisis and should hopefully be able to access appropriate treatment.

I agree mum needs her break, in fact she probably needs more than she's currently getting. At the very least you need a bolt on the door, extra smoke alarms etc. All our sharps are kept in a lock box inside a safe (( just in case )) Be aware that anything can be a weapon or used to harm herself so glasses, smashed plates etc......... hopefully your dsd will make progress and you can all breathe a little easier.

It’s good that you are considering Dsd ‘s mother, but it may be a luxury you can’t afford.
Could the grandparents help?
I think any home with younger children is not suitable. The risks are too great.

Be kind to yourself too. As Audre Lord said - caring for yourself is not an act of self-indulgence, but one of self-preservation. Well, something like that anyway. But it’s true. As for those friends, their comments may be well-intentioned but they’re utterly useless. However, you’ll probably find that there are other people around you who have dealt with complex mental health issues in loved ones and whose support becomes invaluable. I’ve often found that people don’t open up about it until they know someone is going through a similar kind of crisis - regardless of all the ‘time to talk’ campaigns, there is still so much stigma and shame.

You sound wonderful op.

I think you should stay elsewhere if you can though.

Lots of unmumsnetty hugs for you.

she’s been on anti depressant meds for a few weeks now

Have you checked the side effects of her meds? Some do increase suicidal thoughts in young people. do discuss it with whoever is treating her.
www.nhs.uk/news/mental-health/antidepressants-and-suicide-risk/

I agree, you aren't safe with her in your home whilst she is behaving like this.

Also, if she does have autism, as a previous poster explained, she needs a totally different approach.

Hearing command hallucinations is incredibly rare, and having it happen in conjunction with things like this...well, let's just say it's a lot more likely this is being done to get attention, possibly as a result of personality disorders or mood regulation disorders, than it is likely to be schizophrenia or anything similar. Everyone knows "the voices told me to do it" from TV and movies, and teenagers don't know how rare that actually is from a psychiatric perspective.

The fact that the command hallucinations are probably a feigned symptom (I'm talking statistically, here, so don't everyone jump and say how dare I, there are more feigners of this symptom in this age group than people really suffering from it) doesn't protect her from the impact of her self-harm, of course.

But be aware you're probably dealing with something that isn't an acute psychotic break, given the fact that we haven't heard anything about paranoia or disordered thinking. People who are having psychotic episodes fundamentally just...don't make sense. It's hard to explain, but once you've seen the way their minds work, you will never forget it. They don't seem manipulative, just totally disorganized in their mind, unable to focus on literally anything, even things they like. Does that sound like what you've seen, or is it a ramp-up of personality problems that have manifested for some time?

She needs sectioning, what if she pulled the knife on another student or teacher?

I am so sorry @absopugginglutely i genuinely think for her own safety and others she needs to be admitted to a secure unit.

OP put a lock on the door, would that make you feel more secure? Do you carry your DD everywhere when DSD is there?

I don't have advice that hasn't already been said, but you sound lovely. Please take care of yourself too, for yours and your DDs sake. Sending you

Could you get a lockable box for the knives? Then keep the key with you at night. Doesn't solve the problems but might help take one stress off your mind.

I would be leaving the home with my child immediately, even if it meant the end of my marriage.

Plunged a knife into the centre of their chest!

Please get support for yourself. You can't go through this on the outside, as you are caught up in the middle of it also. You need to ensure this doesnt isolate you even further.

Do you have parents that could support, anywhere nearby or other relatives. Somewhere you could do planned nights away with when dsd next comes?

Why have camhs not given you clear direction about keeping yourselves and her safe?

You need to act to protect yourself and dd. Whilst she is in hospital you can all be safe together, but personally I wouldn't take any further risks until she is properly diagnosed and settled on meds. Her age is difficult for anticipating how ad's will act on her. They can seriously exacerbate extremes.

Can you get into a local support group or anything?

I hope DSD is going to be ok, and that you all keep safe.

Lock for the kitchen door ,
lock on your bedroom door ,
keep your Dd with you at all times that dsd is visiting,
watch your back
With luck dsd will get a placement that in time will help her stabilise and give everyone of you some breathing space , she's at the age when puberty and hormones are exacerbating her problems
I'm sorry you are going through this , stay safe

What an awful situation for you all.
Of course yanbu to be worried. Who wouldn't be worried in your situation.

I would definitely be putting a lock on my door with dd in there.

I guess it's still unknown what will happen in the short term. But you say she seems to have gotten worse since returning to school. Could keeping her out school be an option? For a few weeks, if not months.
Not sure what the process would be with her returning to school after what happened there anyway.

It’s really hard home schooling a demand avoidant child because they refuse to be taught and see everything literally everything as an anxiety inducing demand so there’s massive conflict for days just to get her to wash her hair/ leave her room let alone learning. At least at school she “masks” so some learning actually can take place even though the kid comes off when she gets home.
We did pull her out of school for a month at the end of last term because she was suicidal and we were desperate to see her calm down and maybe even experience joy. She sat on her iPad for 10 weeks BUT she was less anxious (seemed so anyway) the truth is, we can’t afford to home ed and not work and I’m personally not willing (as bad as it sounds)
Cahms are coming to the hospital to see her today so hopefully she’ll be put in touch with some more appropriate mental health services. They’ve said it might be Skitsophrenia (sorry spelling 😬)
Before DH went back to the hospital this morning, I asked him to consider DD’s safety and maybe if he’s going to have DSD over night to night he could stay at her mums house and her mum could stay with her partner. Or I’ll try and get an air Bnb.
I’ll get a lock on the bedroom door too.

This crisis might be the event that gets her on the right path. I assume she won't be allowed out of hospital for a period of time.

You will no doubt feel nervous for some time and practical steps such as locks might help. Hopefully if she is diagnosed she can gain some stability through medication.

I would ask the Dr what they advise on living conditions. Does she need stability so not move house regularly? I know someone with a similar condition and they cannot handle change of routine. It might be her mum has to be the stable environment.

This is so sad. You sound like a brilliant stepmum. Sending love x

Op hope you get some help and support today with your step daughter , Good luck

I thought the same @WombOfOnesOwn.

I know I'll be dumped on for saying it, but I'm afraid no matter how lovely my partner was I'd remove myself permanently from this situation. Think ahead a bit, to when your daughter is in her teens, and her step-sister is in her early twenties. A friend's daughter was in this situation with a step-sister. I won't go into details, but it was hell.

OP as much as I admire how caring you appear, your 2 year old needs to be your priority. I have a lot of experience living with self harming and potentially suicidal teenagers and would not, for one minute, expose my own young children to this
I think the posters who have suggested your DH supports his daughter at her mother's home have the most realistic answer.
I also agree this sounds like an emerging personality disorder

OP I have absolutely no advice but this sounds so tough on all of you. Try and get some support for yourself

@Whocutdownthecherrytree - it states in her OP that the SD has already gone at her mum and dad with a knife, although she may not intend to hurt the little girl, or anyone else, she's in a dark place and things do happen in a heated moment. The op said about the girl hearing voices, so I think she is sensible to be worried, people are unpredictable, no matter the age, shape or size. X

While I absolutely feel for her parents I feel more sorry for the young girl herself, she must be absolutely confused etc

I read that people are suggesting that the dad goes to see her at her mums house, is there any other way of doing it? I don’t think it’s completely fair on the mum to have her all the time especially if she’s got mental health issues herself