To be slightly peeved at this comment from a preschool teaching assistant.

[WhenYouCantRunYouCrawl]

I live in a very wet area where practical clothing is essential. I also live somewhere where clothes and shoe shops are limited, apart from outdoor gear.

Anyway, DD has started preschool nursery and I bought her a pair of black shoes (they have a uniform) but all the "girls" shoes were those ridiculous t-bar ones which would result in wet feet so I went for a pair of plain ones from the boys section they basically look like trainers.

Dropping her off this morning and the TA commented that she had "boys shoes" on.

So now DD has decided she doesn't want to wear them anymore and wants new ones.

I'm not going to be that parent and say something but honestly, AIBU to be a teeny bit annoyed? It's hard enough trying to raise a daughter to believe that she doesn't have to conform to some princess stereotype and surely teaching staff should know better?

I'm a primary school teacher and I would be furious with the TA. Transition into school is a massive deal and this is awful.
In any school I have worked at, the head would have a very stern chat with the TA.
A. Because it reinforces gender stereotypes
B. Because it's just an unkind comment even away from the context of the gender stereotyping debate.
Speak to the head! (And I don't think I've ever said that before!!)
The TA should have to apologise and explain to all the children that girls and boys shoes are a nonsense.

I hate confrontation but even I’d be saying something about this but framing it in a way that doesn’t cause the TA to hate me and my child for ever.

So something like ‘you probably didn’t even realise but you said this and now DC feels she can’t wear the shoes. How can you help me show her they are just shoes and anyone can wear them.’

The TA needs to understand that words are incredibly powerful and that she needs to think more before she speaks.

She was wrong to say that and I think you should mention it. Why shouldn't a girl wear comfortable practical shoes?

I'd be really irritated by that. I've also bought my dd 'boys' shoes. They are much more practical and won't let the rain in which always annoys me with girls shoes.

Forgot to add my DD has no idea they are boys shoes but if someone pointed it out, I can imagine her refusing to wear them.

Yanbu, especially as you are slightly peeved. Say something, it is not a good attitude or approach for someone who is working with children to have.

Thank you for not being utterly mortified or fuming or any of the other hyperbolic nonsense we get on MN.

This is a pre-school? Really? They really are worried about what shoes a child wears? I am amazed, but then am old so prob out of touch. TA needs re-educating.

"that parent" refers to unreasonable parents who seek to kick off and complain and be furious over total non-issues.

A parent like you OP raising a reasonable concern in a polite way is so so far removed from that parent.

I'd have a word and say the shoes meet the criteria and black practical shoes are just that. As a result of the member of staff's comment your daughter is now concerned that practical black shoes are genders when they aren't.

I’d have been that parent in this case.

“No. She’s wearing shoes”

I agree with most of the other posters. It was an unprofessional thing to say and you are right to bring it up. These two posters gave you a choice of options. I'd do one of these.

Hadalifeonce
I would have a quiet word with this TA, and calmly tell them that as a result of the careless sexist comment, DD no longer wants to wear her shoes, and ask them what they propose to do about it, as you can't afford to buy her any others.

steppemum
send her in in her home traniers. When asked to buy school shoes, explain dd will no longer wear them, and explain why.

Bringing this to the pre-school’s attention is absolutely not being “that” parent.

TA completely out of line here and school needs to know so the attitude can be addressed. As PP says, feet are feet! And shoes are shoes.

You chose wisely and well and your child was perfectly happy and comfortable with her shoes until a thoughtless adult made an ignorant remark.

You are in a very stick now; if another child had made the comment, you could label it silly (which it was!) but as it's an adult she needs to listen to, it's not that straightforward.

Could you tell your daughter that sometimes boys and girls do wear different things, and she may have noticed mummy wearing trousers at some times and dresses at others, buy daddy never wears a dress. Some girls at school wear trousers and some wear skirts, but trousers are for girls AND boys. Some shoes are pink and frilly and usually only girls wear them, but ordinary shoes are for girls and boys.

Her shoes ARE girls' shoes because they're hers, right?!

Bringing this to the pre-school’s attention is absolutely not being “that” parent.
This x100!

Any parent raising reasonable concerns in a reasonable way will never be "that parent".

Now if the OP was (in MN style) absolutely furious about the incident and wanted to report the manager to Ofsted for promoting such a damaging and absuive environment where staff seek to damage children's souls, well... That really would be that parent. 🤣

A cleft stick! Autocorrect really has a very limited vocabulary.

Ask the school about the concept of the gender-neutral classroom. Where are they with it?

I work in a preschool, I would pull up a colleague on this!

Please do bring it up with the manager.

(Ex reception teacher)
I'd be that parent, staff should be challenging stereotypes not embedding them)
Staff should also appreciate the area they live in and what clothing inc shoes is appropriate.

"oh gosh, i didn't realise you needed to insert a penis into them to make them work!" would be my answer.

yanbu to be peeved

I think you should say something - people put the shoes on their children that they can afford - for all she knows you were given them and could not afford anything else. TAs should not be making any refernce to how a child looks or what they wear.

"Boys" shoes are not gender neutral, and "girls" shoes aren't either! They are just shoes.
Tbar shoes were standard shoes for little boys only 20 years ago.
The TA's comment was completely unneccesary.
All "girls" shoes are not impractical and they don't make girls "lower" like someone suggested.

Argh, I also live somewhere wet, with no shoe shops, so I hear you.

After all the effort and expense we go to to get suitable shoes, if someone said this sexist, stupid, thoughtless comment to my daughter after time spent carefully persuading her to wear good sensible boots instead of crappy butterfly ones (nothing against them, but they don't work in a Scottish winter) I'd be livid.

When my son started school he was dead, dead nervous. This anxiety focused itself on his shoes. I mentioned this, casually, to one of the teachers and she bent down and told him they were the BEST and most PERFECT school shoes ever. That is what you want in a teacher/support staff.

Now it's done, though, maybe worth using it as an opportunity to discuss the issues with your daughter. I created a character that was a brilliant, fearless girl who dresses in appropriate clothing for the weather. When my romantic, dreamy, floaty dress-loving child has to get booted and waterproofed, I invoke this character and it does seem to help motivate her.

Why on earth wouldn't you say something?

There's no such thing as "boy's shoes"

You dont need to have a stand up argument in front of the TA or your child but I think it perfectly reasonable to have a "discussion" about school policy regarding shoes with the actual teacher; if only for clarification

I would absolutely say something. People shouldn't get away with this rubbish and it's clearly and demonstrably had a bad effect on your DD.

What is this whole "being THAT parent" thing?! Are we not allowed to react/complain when a teacher makes some bloody stupid comment in front of our children and upsets them?

One of my boys likes pink. He likes gymnastics and creating things with glitter and shiny stuff. My other boy likes dancing. If a teacher said loudly in front of them that they'd noticed they were doing "GIRL" things I'd say something because you have to stick up for your child here.

What did you say to the TA OP? Did you just agree with her? In front of your DD?

Now she's free to make another comment like that to a boy who might choose a pink school bag.

Teachers of all people should know to treat all kids equally - I mean FFS it's what they teach kids to do!!

I would have said something at the time because I couldn’t have held my tongue. But now that’s it’s been done, I would send an email or go in and complain. It’s almost school yard bullying, and it’s a TA doing it!