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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly peeved at this comment from a preschool teaching assistant.

112 replies

WhenYouCantRunYouCrawl · 12/09/2019 15:58

I live in a very wet area where practical clothing is essential. I also live somewhere where clothes and shoe shops are limited, apart from outdoor gear.

Anyway, DD has started preschool nursery and I bought her a pair of black shoes (they have a uniform) but all the "girls" shoes were those ridiculous t-bar ones which would result in wet feet so I went for a pair of plain ones from the boys section they basically look like trainers.

Dropping her off this morning and the TA commented that she had "boys shoes" on.

So now DD has decided she doesn't want to wear them anymore and wants new ones.

I'm not going to be that parent and say something but honestly, AIBU to be a teeny bit annoyed? It's hard enough trying to raise a daughter to believe that she doesn't have to conform to some princess stereotype and surely teaching staff should know better?

OP posts:
skippetyskoo · 12/09/2019 16:43

When I saw the thread title, I came in expecting you to be one of those parents and to say Yabu.
But no! You are being completely reasonable and please do say something. I would in fact e mail in so that you can get your point across.

saraclara · 12/09/2019 16:43

I think you should be 'that parent' in this situation (and I don't generally advise that lightly)
I would mention that interaction to the teacher (assuming here that you witnessed it) and express your concern.

Caterinaballerina · 12/09/2019 16:47

You don’t need to be ‘that parent’ to still get across the point that it was inappropriate and damn right unhelpful of the TA to say that. Just pop her in some other shoes that are not uniform for the next time she is there as they will be note worthy. Then ask the manager if someone could kindly comment as to the whereabouts of her super fast shoes or whatever complimentary description they choose but you are putting it on them to make the shoes get back in favour since they caused them to go out of favour with your daughter. The TA could have just not been thinking so don’t think too badly of her immediately but do watch out for anything else being said. When they are little it’s such a battle getting them dressed into what you want if they don’t like it!

steppemum · 12/09/2019 16:48

send her in in her home traniers. When asked to buy school shoes, explain dd will no longer wear them, and expain why.

I hate being That parent, but this is one of those things that if no-one says anything, nothing changes.

Echobelly · 12/09/2019 16:49

I'd be really pissed off. Regularly bought dd 'boys' shoes bc she had a mile's walk to primary and flimsy little ballet flats were not going to cut it especially in winter. Luckily she didn't care what anyone thought but kids can be incredibly sensitive to adults at school and in shops declaring that something of theirs is not for them due to their sex. I wish childcare settings, schools and shoe shops trained staff not to say this stuff.

bridgetreilly · 12/09/2019 16:50

That is ridiculous. At pre-school age there doesn't need to be any difference at all between girls and boys shoes. Girls should be wearing things that are as practical as boys. I would definitely say something to the TA.

billy1966 · 12/09/2019 16:51

YANBU to very annoyed at her passing a remark like that and I would definitely say it to her now and to her manager.

Your DD is now refusing to wear the perfectly good, weather appropriate shoes you have bought because a TA felt the need to make a comment that is none of her business.

I would be extremely annoyed.
Deeply unprofessional and none of her bloody business.

ashvivienne · 12/09/2019 16:53

Yanbu I would say something we had our first three grow up in a similar area and they always had kicker boots as they were the easiest to walk home in and kept the rain out

Pinkflipflop85 · 12/09/2019 16:54

Buy shoe bows or clips?! Seriously?! What a ridiculous suggestion!

The child won't suddenly grow a penis if her shoes aren't adorned with unnecessary frilly things.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/09/2019 16:55

I'd be giving her a short sharp education in practical shoes... stupid TA. Can you imagine the uproar if she's said similar to a boy wearing girls shoes Hmm

Timandra · 12/09/2019 16:55

I'd send her in the shoes she wants to wear, hand over the black shoes in a bag and tell them they need to either put up with what she's wearing or undo the damage so she's happy to wear the black ones.

They made the problem so they can solve it.

NoParticularPattern · 12/09/2019 16:59

I’d absolutely be “that parent”. In fact I was yesterday in the shoe shop. Shop assistant measured my daughters feet and promptly appeared with a bright pink pair of ballerina type shoes with a strap. When I asked her if she had anything a bit less pink and slightly more covering then pointed to some nice navy boots, she looked at me blankly and said “but they’re for boys....”. Feet are feet. The shoes you (and I!!) bought were practical, there’s no requirement to have a penis in order to put a pair of shoes on and since I’m the one in charge of washing and sock changing I’ll be buying the ones which require the least amount of both. I’d definitely be saying something- her comment has made your daughter feel bad and not want to wear them and that’s not fair. Regardless of whether she “didn’t mean it that way” or not.

DoAllMeerkatsComeFromRussia · 12/09/2019 17:01

Unless the uniform policy specifies different styles of shoes for girls and boys (and the likelihood of that in this day and age is pretty slim) then there is no such thing as girls' shoes or boys' shoes and the TA was bang out of order. I used to teach and I would not have considered you THAT parent if you'd had a word with me about it. Preschoolers are learning about the world around them and their place within it and you can do a lot of damage with a comment like that. My youngest DS went through a phase of taking an orange sequinned bag to nursery and hanging it on his peg each day. He'd have been distraught had anyone suggested it was for girls or for any other group that he wasn't in. He took it because he loved it and telling him that was wrong would have challenged his fragile understanding of the world.

Smelborp · 12/09/2019 17:02

Absolutely say something.

A PP said about being led by the child, this child was told by an adult she trusts that her shoes are not ‘right’’. She was fine about them before I assume.

WeeDangerousSpike · 12/09/2019 17:03

I think you should be 'that parent' OP.

Like pp said, what other gender stereotypes is she going round perpetuating?

Boys don't cry? Girls don't climb? Girls don't play with cars? Boys don't play with dolls (unless it's action man of course...)? Girls have to be nice (i.e. Let people walk all over them) Boys will be boys?

Fuck that noise.

endofthelinefinally · 12/09/2019 17:03

What a stupid woman. The last thing she should be doing is peddling sexual stereotypes to children.

dollydaydream114 · 12/09/2019 17:05

YANBU at all. It was really obnoxious and tactless of the TA to comment. It would have been a terrible thing to say to a child even if they weren't bothered by it, and I'd have thought they should know better than to make stupid gendered remarks to a child about their clothes etc - but it's clearly upset your poor little DD too.

One of my nephews had a similar experience at primary school when one of the teachers told him he had 'girls' hair' - it was longish because he wanted to look like a skateboarder.

Jux · 12/09/2019 17:05

I wouldn't want to send my dd to a nurery where staff have such fixed ideas and who force stereotypes on my child, particularly as a dd is likely to be more hampered by that than a boy later.

I would actually speak to the manager about it. Yes, be that parent, make the world a better place for girls.

Propertyofhood · 12/09/2019 17:05

I work in a school and of a parent came in and complained that their child would now not wear their shoes because a TA said they were boys shoes, I would totally not think they were 'that parent' and would be pissed off with the TA I think.

I would say something and definitely make it clear that you won't be buying different shoes, so if her non-uniform shoes aren't OK, then tough shit.

For future ref, these shoes from Clarks are the only reasonably priced 'girls' shoes I have found that are actually lovely and sturdy and closed.

www.clarks.co.uk/c/Crown-Pride/p/26134903

Hippee · 12/09/2019 17:06

Just to make your point, can you ask nursery to buy her a new pair of shoes, since it was a comment from one of their staff that made the ones you had bought her "unwearable"? It may be just a thoughtless comment, but she needs to be more thoughtful - and it has ended up costing you money.

ArsenicChip · 12/09/2019 17:11

I would be keen to know what other ridiculously sexist attitudes she has. Are there boys toys? Boys books? Boys places in the playground?

rainbowstardrops · 12/09/2019 17:11

I'd say something for sure and I work in a primary school and have encountered many, many people who fall into the category of 'That parent'!!!!!
We had one little lad last year who loved Disney Princesses, pink, wore the 'girl's' cardigan instead of the 'boy's' jumper etc etc but nobody would have dreamed of telling him he had to have 'boy' things!!!!
In fact, the majority of the other children didn't even bat an eyelid at him. Quite rightly so!
Say something!!!

SimonJT · 12/09/2019 17:18

I would definitely have a word.

My son has a pink, sequin adorned unicorn t-shirt that he loves, a member of staff at nursery not only told him that only girls wear sparkly tops but she also stopped me at home time to express her concerns. I put her straight and asked if she was worried about all the girls wearing blue, as obviously only boys can wear boring blue clothes.

As I can be petty the next day I sent my son in his unicorn leggings and I dropped him off wearing a pink hoodie.

There aren’t clothes for boys and clothes for girls, there is only clothes for children.

CaptainMyCaptain · 12/09/2019 17:19

You would be completely justified in making a complaint. It was a ridiculous thing to say, they shouldn't be commenting on children's shoes or clothing anyway

MyNameIsIrrelevant · 12/09/2019 17:22

Excuse me... 'that parent'... do you mean the one that stands up for their children... well boo boo, poor you. 🙄
The TA needs to be had words with! It's offensive and borderline bullying FROM
AN ADULT! 😡