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AIBU?

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Original poster

To burn everything he has ever owned?

119 replies

whattonearth · 12/09/2019 07:53

I’ve just found out my “DH” of 21 years has been having many one night stands and what appears to be a 12 month affair with men . I’m not sure why the gender of the other parties are important but it I feel it is relevant.
At 43 years of age and 23 years of being with a woman you’d think he should be pretty certain of what he’s attracted to?
We have/had (I thought) the relationship most people wish for. Clearly not.
Obviously I’m not going to burn his belongings but he feels I’m ‘unreasonable ‘ for telling him to fuck off and never darken the doorstep again
How the fuck do I even start to process this ? Not to mention the impact on our 4 children

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 12/09/2019 07:55

See a solicitor, sort out your legal and financial situation.

He’s going

AmIThough · 12/09/2019 07:55

How on earth can be possibly think you're being unreasonable?

It needs to be treated in the same way as any other affair.

If he's gay, fine, but you're allowed to be angry at the way he's treated you, and the fact he's openly lied about who he is.

Maybe just burn his favourite outfit or something to make you feel a bit better...

LaMainDeFatima · 12/09/2019 07:57

Forget the burning. Get to the solicitor . Get your thoughts in line.

barryfromclareisfit · 12/09/2019 07:57

I wish that my phone wouldn’t steal my posts before I finish ...
He’s going to play dirty. Find all your evidence of income etc now. Don’t let anything go. Never feel sorry for him, never be understanding. He misled you for over two decades.

acatcalledjohn · 12/09/2019 08:01

So sorry OP, that must have been a real shock.

I'd strongly recommend you get yourself tested for STIs.

Thanks
Original poster
whattonearth · 12/09/2019 08:06

Thanks all
ive just this moment got off the telephone to the GP surgery regarding STI checks
Favourite (and expensive) suit may suddenly disappear
[

OP posts:
CigarsofthePharoahs · 12/09/2019 08:08

Don't burn the suit. Just remove a few stitches here and there from the bum seam. It'll look fine until he wear it - 😁

You have every right to be angry. He's cheated on you, lied to you.

Cheeserton · 12/09/2019 08:11

Please expand on how the hell he thinks you're unreasonable to end things and get him out. What on earth is his angle there then?

WitsEnding · 12/09/2019 08:13

See a solicitor. CigarsofthePharohs has the best idea.

Solicitor first, but if you are sure of your facts I wouldn't be able to resist telling my six best friends and the local gossip (in person, most definitely not by social media).

Original poster
whattonearth · 12/09/2019 08:18

@Cheeserton
I’m making a scene. Or so he says, therefore I’m being unreasonable
Not sure if to laugh or cry right at this moment

OP posts:
Tiredtessy · 12/09/2019 08:27

Gp wont check for all STD you need to go to sexual health clinic for a full screening, just pack all his belongings in black bags and leave outside and change the locks.

Shoxfordian · 12/09/2019 08:30

I don't think you'd be at all unreasonable to burn his suit. He's a cheating shitbag.

justilou1 · 12/09/2019 08:34

Take it to a tailor and have it taken in by several sizes - especially in the cameltoe area.

justilou1 · 12/09/2019 08:34

Or, wet it, cover it with watercress seeds and turn the heating on...

ElizaPancakes · 12/09/2019 08:35

What an absolute shit he is. How dare he. Just, how dare he say that to you.

See a solicitor, get him out. Grieve.

I’m so sorry Flowers

SuperSara · 12/09/2019 08:36

Definitely speak to a solicitor ASAP, OP.

What an awful situation to be in. Flowers

@Tiredtessy this is someone's real life. Suggesting 'just' changing the locks is very silly advice!

FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/09/2019 08:39

What's the problem with making a scene? Seriously? If you've been married for that length of time and your partner shits all over you, of course you're going to make a scene. He's either very dim or very controlling to imagine you'd glide away in silence.

Fucking destroy in him a divorce. Don't burn his shit; you'll be the bad guy. Throw away the left shoe from every pair he owns. Remove stitches from every item of clothing he owns. Pack the rest up and chuck it outside the front door for him to find. Change the locks. And don't ever apologise or feel bad for having emotional reactions to situations that hurt.

Cheeserton · 12/09/2019 08:41

I’m making a scene. Or so he says, therefore I’m being unreasonable

What the f**k? He's an absolute dick. How does he think you should be taking this news?

Show no mercy OP. Get rid now, as unceremoniously as possible. Make sure everyone is aware of why.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/09/2019 08:45

The sex of his affair partners makes absolutely no difference. He's been unfaithful. He's a shit.

You be as fucking 'unreasonable' as you like while you process this. But all whilst taking the moral high ground, which means not burning his stuff but being dignified and getting everything you are due.

Get thee hence to a Shit Hot Lawyer.

Templetonstunafish · 12/09/2019 08:45

He has made a scene! You are having a natural reaction to betrayal. Don't let him take any paperwork out of the house. Tell him you need "space" for a few days so that's you have some time. See a solicitor asap.

Juells · 12/09/2019 08:47

Quite apart from the hurt and devastation and life being upended, he's exposed you to such health risks. One-night-stands! Fuck him.

mummmy2017 · 12/09/2019 08:48

If it helps with your anger take a pair of scissors and cut the suit into tiny pieces and then bin it away from the house.
I'd be telling him that he is a cheating arsehole, how is that my fault , I was not there forcing him to cheat!

ReanimatedSGB · 12/09/2019 08:49

Presumably he expects you to carry on providing domestic service and propping up his appearance as a Respectable Married Man...
I'm sorry, OP. But as others have said, you need to make plans in a calm and practical manner: remember you do not need his permission or his co-operation to end the marriage, and that the law, not him, gets to decide what happens to the family home and other assets.

And please be careful what you say to your DC, no matter how understandably angry you are. None of it is their fault and they presumably love their father, or at least love the man they thought he was.

Juells · 12/09/2019 08:50

The sex of his affair partners makes absolutely no difference.

Of course it does. It's an additional layer of rejection and betrayal, where you'd start thinking that he wasn't even attracted to you all those years, he was just pretending and using you as a beard.

Slightlyjaded · 12/09/2019 08:52

You're 'making a scene'??

That would INFURIATE me.

Even though you are probably smashed into a million pieces, my default now would be to go icy-cold on him. No eye contact, no meals, no laundry, monosyllabic responses and just keep repeating to him that you have nothing to say and you will be talking to a solicitor.

If the DC ask why you are being horrible to Daddy, tell them that Daddy has let you down and lied to you. That'll do for now.

He is trying to underplay the enormity of his betrayal. Don't let him.