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Original poster

To burn everything he has ever owned?

119 replies

whattonearth · 12/09/2019 07:53

I’ve just found out my “DH” of 21 years has been having many one night stands and what appears to be a 12 month affair with men . I’m not sure why the gender of the other parties are important but it I feel it is relevant.
At 43 years of age and 23 years of being with a woman you’d think he should be pretty certain of what he’s attracted to?
We have/had (I thought) the relationship most people wish for. Clearly not.
Obviously I’m not going to burn his belongings but he feels I’m ‘unreasonable ‘ for telling him to fuck off and never darken the doorstep again
How the fuck do I even start to process this ? Not to mention the impact on our 4 children

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/09/2019 08:52
Flowers
Greywalls12 · 12/09/2019 08:53

The sex of his affair partners makes absolutely no difference.

It also matters that there is a higher risk of HIV.
Such a shit situation op, he's a class A asshole. You will get through this Flowers
You need a full sexual health screen, a sexual health clinic may be better for this.

ButterflyOne1 · 12/09/2019 08:56

I'm so sorry OP. You do whatever you need to do to feel better. I would just try and not break the law and do anything harmful to yourself.

Self care is so key right now. Have you managed to speak to a trusted friend/family member? I imagine it's not something you want to share but having the support is so key.

And personally I wouldn't burn, I'd make a hole in the lining of the suit and stuff prawns in there Grin

Pinkyyy · 12/09/2019 08:56

How the hell can he say you're being unreasonable?!! I'd actually burn it all to be honest.

ongranaryplease · 12/09/2019 08:56

The sex of his affair partners makes absolutely no difference.

Of course it does! Hmm OP has thought this man was straight for years. As a PP said, it’s an additional layer of betrayal.

So sorry OP he’s terrible. You will be strong Flowers Time for a solicitor

banana64 · 12/09/2019 09:00

Oh god of course the fact that it's men makes a diff. This stupid stupid oh I'm so woke bullshit. I dont give a flying fuck whos gay but I sure as shit do if it's my husband.
Out out out he would be.

endofthelinefinally · 12/09/2019 09:02

Ring Womens Aid and get a recommendation for a good lawyer.
Then photograph or scan every single piece of financial information you can find. Payslips, credit card bills, tax returns, everything.
Then post again in relationships for excellent, accurate advice.
People here are supportive and outraged on your behalf, but things like changing the locks are illegal. Destroying his clothes at this stage will only make your life much harder.
Save your anger, protect your dc and get organised.
I am so sorry this has happened to you.
Flowers

Windygate · 12/09/2019 09:03

The sex of his affair partners makes absolutely no difference.

Of course it does. The deceit, health implications and the fact that OP can't divorce him on grounds of adultery.

ChuckleBuckles · 12/09/2019 09:04

@whattonearth

STI tests, solicitor and financial advice ASAP, maybe check out www.straightspouse.org/resources-new/ they offer support to people who are in your situation.

He sounds cold and selfish with that "scene" comment. Have a hand hold Flowers

DerbyshireGirly · 12/09/2019 09:07

@banana64 this this 1000000% this!!!

SapatSea · 12/09/2019 09:11

Of course he doesn't want you to make a scene. How tiresome for him Hmm

The sex of his sexual partners does make a difference. This happened to my best friend and also to 2 work colleagues over the years. It is devastating. They felt their whole relationships had been lie, couldn't look back at photos of their families and happy times as it was now all just a lie. They felt used and like their one life had been stolen . Deep deep deception, they had been living with a total stranger and had no confidence in their ability to assess any situation anymore. Added to all this was that friends rallied round the H as he had been so brave to come out as gay and could stop living a lie! and that somehow the women were being ridiculous to be hurt as the H could now be his true self.

It is a whole m*df*k.

PurpleWithRed · 12/09/2019 09:13

Do not let his infuriating provocations turn you into the Bad Guy - tempting as it is, do not destroy any of his belongings - it will make you look like a histrionic harridan to people on 'his' side, not like the powerful dignified woman you want to be seen as. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

As above - sti check, gather financial information, legal advice. Don't rush to a solicitor until you have a good idea of the finances and don't rush to make emotional decisions in the heat of the moment. He is still the kids' dad and always will be, don't let them be caught in the crossfire.

lovemenorca · 12/09/2019 09:14

. I’m not sure why the gender of the other parties are important but it I feel it is relevant.

Relevant and important
It takes the level of deceit to another level

scubadive · 12/09/2019 09:17

If your relationship has been good, he’s probably bi-sexual. This doesn’t mean you havn’t been good enough in his eyes, he probably just sees it as exploring both options and he might not see it in the same light as cheating with another women.

That said it is cheating and he should be begging forgiveness not saying you are making a fuss!!!

Flowers
Idontwanttotalk · 12/09/2019 09:17

"I'm not sure why the gender of the other parties are important but it I feel it is relevant."
Of course the sex of the other parties is important. You've been led to believe your husband is heterosexual so for him to have one night stands and an affair with men is doubly betraying you.

Your husband is the unreasonable one if he doesn't understand why you want him out. You'd probably kick him out if he'd had loads of one night stands and an affair with other women too.

I think your children should be told the truth (in an age-appropriate way) but I don't envy you having to tell them. It sound's unlikely that you'll tell them together as it doesn't sound like your husband is struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. It sounds as if he has a casual, even cavalier, attitude to sex and an entitlement to do so.

I'm so sorry that you are in this awful situation. Flowers

Wallywobbles · 12/09/2019 09:19

If you want to let all the neighbors know I'd go right ahead. Lovely public row at school pick up time should work.

YouJustDoYou · 12/09/2019 09:22

He doesn't get to dictate what you do.

OP, you MUST get yourself to an STI clinic asap, then a solicitor. There's no coming back from this.

Span1elsRock · 12/09/2019 09:23

Oh god, OP. I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling........

TheGoddessFrigg · 12/09/2019 09:24

If you want to let all the neighbors know I'd go right ahead. Lovely public row at school pick up time should work

PLEASE don't do this. Your poor children have to attend that school, and live in the
neighborhood. And sadly, people won't feel sorry for you,- they'll just enjoy the spectacle.
And if you destroy his belongings, you could be liable for criminal damage.

Totalwasteofpaper · 12/09/2019 09:25

Making a scene!!!
He can fuck right off

Tell him he is shit of the highest order and he can go quietly or you can actually make a scene and then get the police involved... his choice

What an arsehole CakeBrewGinFlowers for you

dottiedodah · 12/09/2019 09:25

Wallywobbles Much as I agree with you I dont think a "lovely public row at School pick up time " will be very lovely for their 4 DC!

PicsInRed · 12/09/2019 09:25

It's fine to be gay. However, it is outrageously unreasonable for a man to use a women for 2 decades to grow and raise his 4 children, whilst being secretly gay. Outfuckingrageous.

It is "using" of the highest order and put the OP
(and her then unborn children) at risk of terrible STIs and all the risk and damage associated with pregnancy and childbirth...for a relationship which was a sham.

I wouldn't destroy his property, but I'd hire a horrendously good solicitor and take him to the fucking cleaners. Him and his favourite suit.

Go get him soldier. Flowers

ElizaDee · 12/09/2019 09:25
Flowers
TheTrollFairy · 12/09/2019 09:28

In terms of having an affair, it makes little differences to the sex of the other person. In terms of the betrayal though, the sex is very relevant as it’s almost as if he was using the relationship to hide the fact that he was gay.
There is nothing wrong with being gay, but lying to yourself and to your partner is wrong. You both equally deserve to find someone that you love totally and who loves you back.

As others have said, you need to see a solicitor about this. Are you financially dependent on him? Or have a joint account? If so I would be withdrawing money from the account to make sure you can cover bills and have this in your own account.

How old are the children?

Sweetbabycheezits · 12/09/2019 09:30

I am furious on your behalf, OP...I am so sorry you've been blindsided with this. If you and I were friends, I would let you talk, hold your hand, and help you burn every single one of his belongings on the front fucking lawn!

But I'm like that. Maybe listen to the other posters who are far more sensible.
Sending you strength and love.

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