To burn everything he has ever owned?

[whattonearth]

I’ve just found out my “DH” of 21 years has been having many one night stands and what appears to be a 12 month affair with men . I’m not sure why the gender of the other parties are important but it I feel it is relevant.
At 43 years of age and 23 years of being with a woman you’d think he should be pretty certain of what he’s attracted to?
We have/had (I thought) the relationship most people wish for. Clearly not.
Obviously I’m not going to burn his belongings but he feels I’m ‘unreasonable ‘ for telling him to fuck off and never darken the doorstep again
How the fuck do I even start to process this ? Not to mention the impact on our 4 children

I'm fairly certain I could unpick a few stitches in his trousers and still feel like my morals were intact after what he'd some.

Make sure everyone knows what he did and get a lawyer.
You are not being unreasonable for wanting him out!
I also like the PP's suggestion of splitting the bum seam on his favourite outfits

He could be bi sexual rather than gay, which still makes him a disgusting cheat, but at least doesn't make the marriage a lie. But either way there is a lot to deal with here.

Please do not have an argument at school pick up, that would be very confusing and distressing for your children and they will have enough to deal with at the moment.

I am so sorry. I would also be prepared for people to support him as I have seen it happen as well to a friend. I had no problem whatsoever with him being gay, but the lack of recognition of her pain and the betrayal she suffered was hard to watch and almost broke her.

Oh, and OP? New bedlinen the moment he's gone!

Forget about the free 30mins legal consultation. Get a good lawyer before he does.

SiL is in a similar situation currently. Turns out that BiL has been using prostitutes for a particular and expensive type of sex for years and years and years. She's divorcing him, to which he responded with a counter petition for unreasonable behaviour on her part - grounds being that she's unreasonable for wanting a divorce as it's "not necessary". He thinks that her response is "disproportionate" and she should be sensible, look at everything they have together and "turn a blind eye". Seriously.

She's told everybody she knows everything about it. He's now been ostracised from his clubs, friendship group etc. He doesn't deserve privacy.

Sending love to you op. Don't let him make out your the bad one. X

I am not defending his actions , but you do know that people can be attracted to men and women?

I dont think there s a person still alive who gives a flying shite about who sleeps with whom, however usually all parties know in advance what the craic is. After two decades of hiding his true feelings from the woman he 'loved' she is entitled to be as angry as she likes. If she had married him knowing he was gay or bi then fine, alls good. But she didnt know. That's hiding a huge part of yourself from your life partner. Cruel, unneededly cruel.

You do not hang about for a "free 30 mniutes" - get a solicitor now and pay for it - it will be worth it.

This happened to my good friend’s sister. Like a PP, people were congratulating him for being so brave for coming out. No one thinking about the poor wife whose whole married life was a sham she didn’t know about (and they’d had 4 kids!)

It is doubly devastating as it’s not just the affair (or one night stands) is also about being gay in a heterosexual relationship and deceiving the spouse on both levels.

I’m so sorry this has happened (happening) to you.

As many have suggested, get your ducks in a row and start proceedings. Get checked out at a sexual health clinic as well see what counselling may be available to you to help you through this period of time and deal with the betrayal.

Remember - this is not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong nor could you have done anything to change this outcome. This is all on your “D”H and his actions/deceit. The sooner he is gone, the sooner you can get on with your life.

Success is the best revenge. Don’t get bogged down in the hurt and anger. Get help and move on to a better life with people who really love and care about you. It will get better with time. Much hugs to you.

Thanks for you advice and support
I’ve got an appointment with a solicitor the back end of next week. They’ve come highly recommended.
I look after all the finances so financial docs are all in my possession anyway. I’ve asked my sister to keep them there in case he comes to take them. I’ve made copies so if he requests them they are they’re for him but I will be keeping the originals
He hasn’t been home which I am glad of so I haven’t had to face him since

shudders

Don't burn belongings. That's exactly the kind of action that will cause you infinitely more pain and heartache in the long term.

I'm so sorry - what a horrible shock for you. Channel all of your very justified anger and distress into finding a really good lawyer who will make sure you get out of this with a settlement you deserve.

Don't lower yourself to his level. Kick him out knowing that you are much better than him. Cheating bastard. He is already twisting things to make you feel like you are in the wrong so expect this to get worse.

He needs to do this to justify to himself that he isn't really a bastard, that you somehow caused or influenced him to do it.

Don't fall for this. It's all on him.

You sound strong keep going

Ignore him you have every right to make a scene or act as you see fit after how he has betrayed you!!!!!

OP you're going to feel angry and bitter because you feel you have wasted your time on a man who wanted to be with other men or be single.

I do feel him going with men is relevant because you clearly didn't know he was bisexual which is something you should tell someone you're married to. That is a big secret.

The thing with this and I know it's not your problem but maybe he was scared to come out, felt people would judge so put on this act he is straight to please others.

It's a terrible situation to be in and I wouldnt wish it on anyone but try not to be bitter about this although it is extremely hard, damaging his stuff wont make the pain go away. He done wrong not you.

And to get even take him for everything in regards to house money ect that will be your revenge.

Don't burn the suit but do unpick a seam and sew a few anchovies into it.

Revenge never works. Leave the suits. Be rational. He has hurt you badly and must know that. This is all very sad, if he is gay, actually it does make a difference. It would be silly to think its just the same as being unfaithful with a woman. All this makes you doubt everything about your relationship. It is unlikely there is any going back. You do however need to sort through your anger or your brain will not make rational decisions. Get yourself into a calm place and decide what to do and how to minimise the damage to your children. Demonising him will make it worse. It doesnt seem like he has much idea of the damage to you which makes it worse. Try and tone down the dram and do what is best for you and the children

@horehound
Really? Why hurt and upset his parents? Have they done something terrible?

To humiliate him @Confusedbeetle
They will cope..

@Horehound he's a twat but I don't know that humiliation is the best answer to this situation...

It's very important not to behave in ways that will hurt other people (your DC, his parents) just because you want to punish him. Your DC are not to blame in the least for what has happened. His parents might be partly responsible, if, for instance, they are loudly and openly homophobic: gay people brought up by bigots sometimes do enter into heterosexual marriages because they are scared of the consequences if they refuse to act 'normal'. But that still doesn't give you the right to cause his parents distress: he chose to decieve you rather than sitting you down and saying, sorry, I can't stay in this relationship because I'm gay.