AIBU to ask friend to remove her dog from the room when I visit with my child?

[BadBehaviour]

I’ve recently had a baby and I have been taking my baby to see friends, one friend has quite a large breed of dog. I have asked her before I visit to remove the dog from the room temporarily whilst we are there. She’s agreed but when I turn up she hasn’t done it, nor is she willing to.

I understand it’s her home if she wants her dog in every room that’s her right. I just end up leaving as I will not take my baby inside. She refuses to meet up elsewhere.

So AIBU to ask her to remove her dog from the room we are in temporarily?

Thanks guys

[BadBehaviour]

I’ve never once said I demanded this. I’ve asked & she’s agreed & not done it

[lifeinthedeep]

I understand the whole “it’s the dog’s house” argument, but if a close friend had just had a baby and felt vulnerable around my dog I would just put it in the other room! The dog isn’t going to be scarred by it ffs. New mums with small babies have weird fears and I wouldn’t take it personally. My friend would be worth more than my petty principals.

Op, your friend is being unreasonable not you.

[PhilSwagielka]

I've got a cat who's terrified of little kids - he had a bad experience with a previous owner's children - and if I had visitors with kids over, I'd have to shut him in the kitchen because I'd worry about him going for them or me, or just freaking out. He's bitten and scratched me a few times for no apparent reason and I can't even pet him because he'll just go for me.

I don't see why the dog can't be shut up for a bit. I know dogs are different to cats but one of my friends has shut her bulldog in the kitchen when she's had people over, and he's been fine, if a bit barky.

[Yabbers]

DD is terrified of dogs and cats. The people who care about that remove them when she visits. We just don’t visit those who won’t.

I realise some people don’t want to do it and that’s fine. But when they then bitch about the fact we never visit they’re reminded why.

[cdtaylornats]

Most dogs love young children as there is a general fallout of food.

[FiveFarthings]

Could your friend visit you instead? I have a smallish dog who is lovely but he is very bouncy and licky to people coming to visit us. We are still training him (youngish dog so still excitable) and I would shut him away if someone was visiting us who didn’t like dogs. If I invite someone to my home then I am going to be a good host to their feelings regarding my dog, because I know now everyone wants to be slobbered on or jumped at/sat on by him. So if your friend invites you round and you’re not comfortable with the dog and you’ve expressed that, then she should either shut him away or meet you elsewhere.

[stayathomer]

the two of you are incompatible

Really strangely I think this is bang on. You're looking out for your baby, she's standing up for her dog. You're both being both reasonable and unreasonable. I wonder if she took offence at the way y o u said it? I hate saying this but I'd say don't visit her, it's just going to lead to tension. Maybe meet at a cafe or something instead.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

It really doesn't sound as if she's a responsible owner ("As far as I know the dog doesn’t get walked or if he does it’s like twice a week for 10 mins"), and coupled with her lack of control over the poor thing ("the dog sits on the sofa & if asked to move he doesn’t") I wouldn't be that keen to visit her on my own, let alone with a baby. And I say that as an ex-owner of a staffie. I love dogs, but I respect their nature too.

I just wouldn't visit her. You've tried three times, never getting over the threshold because she won't put the dog in another room while you and the baby are there. Her choice, and you should let it guide your choice to not put yourself through this again. Just don't visit her.


the dog sits on the sofa & if asked to move he doesn’t

[Halo1234]

Yanbu she should but the dog in another room. I am not a dog person and totally understand why u dont want your baby in the same room as her large breed dog (size is relevant I am more confident I could fight off a smaller dog than a larger one should the worst happen).
Dont visit your friend is bu.

[CakeAndGin]

I feel like part of your issue is coming from the dog being a staffie breed, which just really makes me sad. Mostly it seems like the dog isn’t overly well trained but that doesn’t mean it is aggressive or that your friend wouldn’t be able to control it if needed. Given that the dog doesn’t seem to be well trained, it’s likely that if she puts it in another room that it will whinge or bark or howl, which she may be wanting to avoid.

Sometimes if we have visitors, we will send the dog to her bed. It is still in the living room but my dog knows she’s to stay there and not bother people. I would not remove the dog to another room when I know she is capable of staying on her bed and not bothering anyone. But regardless, I would take huge issue with someone coming to my house and asking me to remove my dog. This is my dog’s home too and anyone visiting my house should know that a dog will be there. It’s not great of her to not do something when she has said she will but I don’t feel like you should be asking in the first place. This is probably the type of request that I would agree to at the time as I’d be too stunned that someone had the nerve to ask me to remove my dog from my house. However, upon further reflection I might decide that I didn’t want to do as the other person had instructed and that I wanted to do what made me comfortable in my own home.

How do you not demand this of her when you’ve said you won’t visit her if the dog is in the room? You might not be saying the word ‘demand’ but you’re making it pretty clear she has no option if she wants you to visit.

As a side note, I feel like part of this is your friend’s problem for not training her dog properly but that’s an issue too long in the tooth to address now. Does she have any underlying mental health problems as to why she doesn’t leave the house? Does she work fully time and not necessarily always want to leave her dog home alone any more than necessary? That’s a concern for me when going out, especially if it’s a friend that would prefer I didn’t bring the dog, such as you would.

[IdiotInDisguise]

I don’t know, I think is a bit cheeky to ask, to be honest. When I have been in your situation I have not put any requests to ask people how they should act on their house. You simply don’t mention the dog and invite them to meet at your house or elsewhere. If they refuse, you just don’t meet. Simples.

[goldfinchfan]

If the dog stays then you leave.
You can't take that risk and she isn't a good friend.

I think a mum should always go with their gut feelings.

[ZiggyB]

I’ve had a similar issue. Asked my friend with a bull terrier to put her dog in another room when I visit with my child. She said yes but when I got there said it’s fine, that she knows her dog and I should trust her judgement.

I said she should respect my decision for my child.

I don’t take my child there now as I can’t relax.

I have to go with my gut instincts.

Stand your ground OP

[IdiotInDisguise]

Yes, and stay at home. It is not as if the child is missing on a relationship with a grandparent if the baby is not introduced, at this time, to her friend.

[LolaSmiles]

I’ve never once said I demanded this. I’ve asked & she’s agreed & not done it
Technicalities, if you've asked for it and are refusing to see her unless she complies then it's essentially a demand in all but name.

Cake
Your approach is similar to ours. Dog can go to their day bed space, settle on the rug, go to their crate and not be in anyone's way. I'll happily tell them to settle down, keep them from jumping and so on. Because of our house layout I'd be happy to keep them out if a room for a period of time whilst someone got settled and then over a period of visits introduce them.
I'd not be happy with the idea of being told (in all but those terms) that my dog can't be trusted and they should be shut out of a room every time someone visits just because they've decided my dog is suddenly a threat now they have a baby.

[SadOtter]

YANBU to ask her to move the dog, I have a very big dog, he is soppy as hell and really loves children but I can see why a friend with a new baby might be uncomfortable and I would shut him out so they could relax.

YABU if the only reason you are worried is that he's a big dog though, I grew up round large breeds with no issue but have a scar on my face from a tiny dog who got a bit excited.

[BadBehaviour]

Cakeandgin how have you come to the conclusion I have an issue with Staffs?

No issues I love dogs always had a dog until a few years ago. We lost our dog due to old age & it hurt too much to get another.

What I mean by not demanding is saying it’s not a problem if you don’t want to put the dog away, you can visit me knowing she won’t of course. I can visit on my own which I do.

TBH no mental health issues perhaps just laziness (I hate saying that) but it’s true.

[Wolfiefan]

She sounds unwell. Won’t leave the house. Not even to walk the dog.
If you’re worried then stop visiting.
TBH I have a giant breed and would put her on the lead if small children visited. That way she’s under control.

[goldfinchfan]

Because it is the dog owners home the dog is more likely to be territorial and unpredictable.

When my baby was little we had to remove him when visiting MIL because no way the dog was ok with the baby. He hated his owner giving the baby attention. But then MIL was only too happy to take the dog out so she could cuddle her grandchild.

I can't believe people who think it is always safe FFS there have been enough children and babies bitten to death to know you do not know if it is safe until it is too late.
So don't take the risk.

The expose to dog bit can happen in a few years time if you want to.

[Wolfiefan]

Just laziness. So now you’re an expert in MH issues.
You don’t like her much.
Stop visiting.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Tbh, even the nicest, most even tempered of dogs is going to be bouncing off the walls if he's only walked twice a WEEK! That's absurd, what does she even want a dog for if she doesn't like going outside? I get they are great companions, but it's cruel to keep a dog indoors and unwallked like this! Poor sod.

[GabsAlot]

What happens when you turn up what does she say

she sounds like a terrible owner doesnt walk the dog much and has no control

[aliphil]

YANBU and it's not just small dogs that go for children. My father has a labradoodle. The first time I took DD to his house, when she was a few months old, the dog jumped right up at her as I was standing with her in my arms. I am short and the impact threw me off-balance - fortunately I didn't drop DD - and she was terrified and screaming. Since then I have insisted that either the dog is shut in the kitchen when we visit or we meet somewhere else without it.

[Sunshine93]

LikeABucket a dog is not a person.

No-one can read tonight it seems. She didnt DEMAND and the friend AGREED and then when she turned up didn't do as she had agreed. she cant meether elsewhere or invite her round because the friend won't leave the house.

OP I would bin off this friend and to be honest i might be inclined to report her to the RSPCA if she really isn't walking her dog and never leaves her house. it doesnt sound like an environment I would be taking my baby into.

[BadBehaviour]

Wolfiefan is it beyond you that someone is perhaps just lazy & doesn’t have mental health issues?