Should I get up and leave?

[needadvicethanks]

I've name changed but I've been an active poster for a few months.

I need advice about my crazy home life. I'm about to start university as an undergrad in London and currently live at home with my toddler.

Unfortunately my parent has a very short temper and is making my life miserable.

(They just blew up at me because they called me to take the washing out. I couldn't hear anything then they hung up. They got home and began talking behind my back about how useless I am so I walked in and calmly explained how I had no idea, that's why I didn't take my own out).

... this escalated into an explosive confrontation in front of both of our children. They threatened to slap me (for essentially explaining how they were wrong) and me being called names, all kinds of sickening insults to say to your own child. They also threatened to call the police and SS.

Anyway, I've been considering leaving for a while now but I'm not sure how to go about it, because:

•I'm an undergrad and have no money. I don't have student finance yet and it's not even the full amount as I haven't sent all the evidence in
•this person undoubtedly will not let me take my child with me without a fight.
•I don't even know how to go about getting a place to live, do I go to an estate agent?

TLDR: I need to leave home but I'm a poor student

Thanks

I’m sorry I can’t offer help, but I don’t see how she can stop you taking away your own child? Speak to Student Services who have probably heard all sorts of difficult family situations. They will be able to support you with the way forward.

You are a student but you are also a parent.

Get your student finance sorted out properly and work out what you can afford in rent. I’m presuming you are already on the housing list with your local authority?

If you don’t know where to start go to citizens advice.

I don't think you should leave home with a child when you can't afford the living.
I think you need to make an arrangement with your parent, what your responsibilities are, when you'll do them, and make sure you do your bit without fuss... they should never have to call you to do anything. If you're doing the washing today, you wash them and you take them out, and you deal with it all if it is your day... Cleaning after yourself and children should be dealt with there and then, don't wait and leave things aside.

Write it all down and schedule it and share the load.

It sounds like you need to grow up and stand on your own two feet.

Thanks for replying everyone.

I seriously can't put up with this anymore, July brother committed suicide a few years ago and I'm not blaming my parent because there were other factors, but I don't want to go down that path.

This kind of verbal assault and threats has gone on for years and years, it's nothing new but this is the first time I felt scared and I'm still shaking 20mins later.

I don't even know what to do, maybe wait til I get the money then think about leaving?

@StressyDressyHeels

I'm 18, I don't even know where to start, I have £400 in my account.

Having said that, I am proud of myself as I do feel like I held my nerve as I was being insulted. I didn't cry or retaliate.

Is there a reason why you didn't call them back when you couldn't hear them?

@Hannah021

I literally couldn't hear anything, I thought they were asking me what I wanted to eat, not anything about laundry so I didn't bother

400 won't feed you for month even. You need to get a part time job in a supermarket or something to earn a living, then when you have enough saving, you can review your options.

A lot of students work partime jobs, you need to be proactive

Well done for holding your nerve OP. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation and rightly so, are a little afraid of your parent if they are so volatile towards you.

I can't offer any advice except try to continue to remain calm when they kick off and try to get some help and advice about getting a place of your own.

You take what ever documents you have for income ID child's birth certificate and your child to your local council and explain the situation they may offer emergency housing, to put you on the waiting list or help finding a place and to cover deposit as a loan. You have nothing to loose. As for your parent not letting you take your child you simply pick up your child and go else you call the police saying your child has been abducted effectively as legally you are not consenting to her holding on to your child.

I really don't want to waste this opportunity at university. It's a top 10 uni and this would just mean everything. Plus, it's student finance that finds my childcare so I wouldn't have any help with that without SF. Even with 3 days I've struggled to find a job over summer as my hours are limited.

-- however, I might phone SF and ask if I can change my application to 'living in London without parents' and I'll get enough funding to make it through on my own in a small property.

^^

That's the best case scenario. I suppose if that goes ahead, I'd be able to leave but even so I do t know how to go about it due to what's listed in my OP

Thanks for your suggestions

Is this any use to you OP?

university.which.co.uk/advice/student-finance/student-parents-financial-support-facilities

Why didn't you send in all the evidence to get the full amount?

And why didn't you take the washing out without being asked? You might be living st home but you're not a child. You should be doing housework without being asked. You must have known the washing machine was finished, why didn't you take it out?

Do you do a lot at home? Do you contribute to the housework (without being asked)? Do you cook meal for everyone (without being asked)?

Your parent shouldn't hit you or be abusive. The whole dynamic sounds awful. But they also shouldn't need to ask you to sort the washing. You're a parent. Parents sort the washing without being asked.

@Lulualla
I couldn't here anything on the phone and had no idea about the washing. Yes, i do anything as long as it means I don't get accused of being riddled with STDs and told everyone hates me in front of my house. They won't eat my food and love to make remarks about how I can't cook and am useless.

I absolutely have no problem helping out but it's like they are just waiting for any excuse to bully me. I have no money. They know I'm not going to talk to anyone about this, as I haven't done for 18 years. I'm fair game to them.

Thanks @MyNameIsArthur and @TriciaH87

Maybe she didn't know the washing machine was on. It seems a simple misunderstanding. Nothing at all warrants abuse or threat of violence.

'You must have known the washing machine was finished, why didn't you take it out?'

Why must she have known?

Sorry, maybe it wasn't clear. The washing was out, theirs and for my baby. It was raining and I had no idea, otherwise I obviously would have taken my baby's out too, and I said this of course, as they bitched about me to their partner I. The other room.

Honestly this is one of many non-issues used for this person to go and call their friends and tell them about how awful I am. It's hard to describe without straight up outing myself but there's literally so much more to this.

@GPatz
Washing machines aren't silent when they spin. They also beep when finished.

You had a child as a teenager. That means you need to grow up fast. Which means you need to do the housework and no one should need to ask. If you were already living in an abusive home then that was not going to be improved by bringing a child home. That's the situation you've gotten into though, so you need to find a way forward. I still don't understand why you didn't actually send in the info required to get your full finances. That's a pretty big screw up so you've got yourself into an even worse situation. Can you defer uni for a year, move out, get benefits And a part time job and put a bit of money aside. Then you can go to uni next year and get funding as a single parent living alone.

Right op get on the blower sort out your finances. Properly. Then apply for full universal credit and child benefit. They will discount some of your student loan as untaxable income but I’m a single mum PGCE student running my own rented house and I manage. Plus you will get a childcare grant then get a part time job that’s like 10-16 hours a week this will ride you over the summer when your student stuffs ends . You need to leave this toxic environment .

Speak to the bursar, student support and your tutor at the new university ASAP and make them aware of your circumstances. You may be entitled to funding or discounted accommodation owing to your circumstances. Try to organise a meeting in person and follow up with emails confirming anything said so you have a record.

Crack on with student finance. I know how anxiety inducing it is but you will feel so much better when it's done.

Your student union may also be able to refer you for support.

Good luck.

So you meant bring the washing in? Not out.

It's still the sort of thing I noticed as a teen. You look out the back window and see the washing. You notice it's raining. You put two and two together.

Please go to student finance first, and can you look into housing benefit? Council?

Chill out pp giving the pp a hard time she’s got enough on her plate as it is @Lulualla