Should I get up and leave?

[needadvicethanks]

I've name changed but I've been an active poster for a few months.

I need advice about my crazy home life. I'm about to start university as an undergrad in London and currently live at home with my toddler.

Unfortunately my parent has a very short temper and is making my life miserable.

(They just blew up at me because they called me to take the washing out. I couldn't hear anything then they hung up. They got home and began talking behind my back about how useless I am so I walked in and calmly explained how I had no idea, that's why I didn't take my own out).

... this escalated into an explosive confrontation in front of both of our children. They threatened to slap me (for essentially explaining how they were wrong) and me being called names, all kinds of sickening insults to say to your own child. They also threatened to call the police and SS.

Anyway, I've been considering leaving for a while now but I'm not sure how to go about it, because:

•I'm an undergrad and have no money. I don't have student finance yet and it's not even the full amount as I haven't sent all the evidence in
•this person undoubtedly will not let me take my child with me without a fight.
•I don't even know how to go about getting a place to live, do I go to an estate agent?

TLDR: I need to leave home but I'm a poor student

Thanks

ahh OP. Sounds like the abuse is constant to the point of it took an extreme eruption to trigger escape. A fresh start sounds the much better option. It will be tough going-tho-it is do-able. Better struggling financially with little kids than stroppy teens.Now is your time.You can do this.
excellent financial/practicle advice from other replies.check out student\your uni s forum n narrow down to single parent search maybe. try and not panic..or throw yourself into chaos-but..reckon the time to step out of toxic is definately now. good luck
@lullala-WOW..thats beyond vinegar tits forra forum post. did you shite a catus today?

this is domestic violence, call national helpline to get into a refuge with your kids now. 08082000247, open 24 hours

With the best will in the world your parent is not going to help you with anything. They've their own agenda and it's not the same as yours. Keep your mouth shut and sort it all out. Get on the phone and ask every resource you can think of who you should talk to for help.

I'd start with the uni because they are used to people having issues. Phone the housing officer, finance people etc. Spend a day at the uni sorting it out.

As a family we have a fairly sizeable file with all the proofs that anyone might ask for: I'd, address, income, salary slips, last 3 bank statements, savings etc, passport photos. I'd recommend this to anyone.

Go to CAB, go to the council.

But keep your mouth shut. When you're ready to go, go when they're out and stay away with no contact for as long as you can, but at least 6 months. Learn how to do it all.

People here will help when you get accommodation sorted they'll tell you how to find the cheapest suppliers etc.

Big girls pants to the ready.

Op this sounds like a lot of abuse. Please seek support from a domestic abuse charity , they will have refuge space and you can go there until you get straight xx

OP I think some posters are being pretty harsh. You're only 18, are a lone parent to a toddler, are in an abusive family situation and have just lost a brother to suicide. You're dealing with a lot that many adults would struggle with immensely, and on top of it all are heading to a top uni to do your degree.

I take my hat off to you, I really do.

As others have said, see student finance, ask for help.

Do you have any other family or friends that can give you some support as you remove yourself from the abusive situation at home?

OP I agree with the practical advice given about who to contact - citizens advice etc. Just be researching and looking into your way out of this. Calmly and carefully plot until you are away from this situation. Stay at your fab uni even if you have to go through with this situation for longer than you want. One day you’ll be out.
It sounds like a toxic abusive critical environment. For all the posters harping on about the washing machine and tips for cooking - um so we all have to be perfect now, do we, or else we deserve abuse? Perhaps these posters have never been ruthlessly torn apart after working hard at cooking somethng that was deemed “tasteless” or screamed at for forgetting to hang a towel up. I’m sure we can all improve our housekeeping and cooking skills but it’s no excuse to treat someone like crap least of all your own daughter.

Well done getting a place in a top 10 uni and having a baby that can't have been easy.
My friend had a baby and went to uni, it worked out well- she shared a house with some other students and her child had a happy arty kind of early life.
If your parents combined income is under £25,000 then you can get a loan for accommodation, if not they may be expected to pay unless you can be assessed differently because of your child.

Ah, OP I'm sorry I have no advice but wanted to echo others thoughts that you've done amazingly well to have a baby and get across to a top university. I doubt it is going to be easy, even if you lived at home in a supportive, loving family. But in less than 3 years your life could look very different and I wish you the best of luck.

Yes to speaking to university hardship advisers and citizen advice bureau.

Thank you so much for the lovely replies, I'm get tearful! I feel better, it's nice to get it off my chest.

This would be much easier if it was say second year when I knew everyone and had some money and whatnot...

I've been plotting to leave for a few weeks but it'll be difficult to coordinate as I can't bear to leave some sentimental things behind like books and photos, art etc

By the time I work it out, things may improve for a while and I fear I'll change my mind. Also worried about the repercussions of actually dating to leave.

I'm in no doubt they will call SS or even police.

Yes too i would ask those posters who have nothing constructive to say to STFU please!

This lady needs help in lots of ways ideally she would not have done things she maybe should not have done but shes in this situation now and needs, is pleading for help, which some posters are giving but some of you on here:(

Normally this board amazes me with the help that does go from poster to poster its very impressive and this lady needs that now so can those who can help please do so and advise her and please don't demoralise her anymore poor soul.

There but for the grace of god go any of us who would fail and fall.

Nuff said!

@needadvicethanks

My last comment wasn't aimed at you, I tagged someone else. They asked why I had questioned you on the household stuff. I explained why I had wondered if you were just a teen who didn't bother with that stuff. If you'd said in your OP that they prevented you from filling in your application then I wouldn't have thought you were maybe just someone who is irresponsible with the practical side of things.

I agree with posters saying that you should plan this slowly and carefully.

I'm assuming that the term starts fairly soon, so I'd use the remaining time to look further into student finances. Then start your course and get a good sense of the workload, make friends, etc. That'll help you decide how best to handle moving out. It may be that other friends are renting and you/your DC could share with them.

Getting a good degree will give you independence so don't jeopardise your education, even if that means tolerating your current home environment for a few more months.

OP I had a parent a bit like this and I understand and really surprised at some of the responses you’re getting here. You end up paranoid about what they’re telling people about you and you’re constantly on edge about what mood they’re in, what they’ll criticise you for. Those insults she threw at you are something else though, I’m really sorry you’re going through this and don’t feel supported and comfortable in your family home. I hope you and your wee one get out of there and you start to build up your own life. You def don’t want your toddler to see anyone behaving like that, let alone to their own mum. Good luck to you.

lulu I have an 19 year old who managed to sort out her student finance but often leaves her washing in the machine! In fact I’ve left my washing out in the rain this week. Just forgot. Why on earth are you having a dig at OP for such a tiny mistake? Her parent should not shout and rant at her for such a simple oversight. You may have been super responsible at 18, some teenagers are, many are not, they will all learn at some point.
OP I truly hope you get some good advice through student services or similar about getting all the funding you can to move away. Good luck with uni.

Good luck at uni OP If you change your application to living without parents in London you should get a fair amount more of student loan, but you have to make sure your parents have filled out their support forms or you will only get the minimum I believe.

You may also get more as you have a child. And you may also be entitled to additional bursaries directly from your uni though I’m not sure.

You sound very brave for a young lady who has already experienced so much in life.

Oh Needadvice you are going through and putting up with so much and your still so young

Please ignore the poster being a fucking arse!

My DD is 16 and due to have her first baby any day(before the nasty twat on here starts the sex wasn't consenual and she didn't feel like she could go through with a termination!)and we are doing everything we can to support her and her ambitions to go to college and then university.

I am so so sorry that your family are treating you so badly,they sound like abusive arseholes and you sound really lovely,just because you have a child it doesn't mean you stop needing your parents and wanting they're help your still a child yourself bless you(a teenager for any pp that wants to start and state that your not)and any good and normal parent would bend over backwards to help they're child.

Don't give up on Uni no matter what anyone says,you've earned the chance to go and you should grab it with both hands.

Like PP's have suggested speak to the Uni your going to be attending and make an appointment with your local citizens advice,make sure you book an appointment because they get so busy and if you just turn up you could end up waiting for hours.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

Take any and all important paperwork with you and make sure you explain about the abuse and the fact that you have a young child,also speak to the housing at your local council,again take your paperwork with you and make sure you explain about the abuse,I know that parts really hard(I grew up with abusive parents)but the information will never be shared with anyone else without your permission and it can help when it comes to getting you and your DC out of your parents home.

If you ever feel in fear of a physical assault or any of them ever hit you you need to call the Police and report it,really hard I know but they need to know that they can't get away with it and God forbid but if that does happen you can also use that as proof as to why you and your DC need help to be moved and as as possible.

@AmICrazyorWhat2
Definitely, agree with all of that. Get my shot together and work this out. Thank you.

And thanks Janus and @Iwrotethissongfor I'm also worried about my child repeating the insults. Other children in the house have begun repeating it and I worry as DC gets older.

Shut the fk up @lulualla

OP contact student welfare and the local housing dept in council and CAB. Ask about a place in a refuge as your parent is abusive. Contact you health visitor, they will be able to support you as well, signpost you in the right direction.

Best of luck

I'm sorry people are being so rude OP. If you can get out, please do. Apply to your local council for a home, speak to people about the abuse, etc. Pull out all the stops, but obviously in secret so that you are not exposed to anything worse. I'd be reluctant to let them know where you live if you move too.

You can do this. When I was 15 I upped and left my abusive parent and put myself into care. It was the hardest time of my life but the best thing I ever did for myself.

Oh for God's sake. Some teenager with no other posting history to get a full story from says they were asked to do housework but didn't and got into a huge row with their parents. They also mention they didn't sort out their student finances so won't be getting the full amount.

Families argue. Teenagers exaggerate. She could have been a teenager who has book smarts, but does nothing around the house, doesn't sort out her paperwork for uni or finances and expects her parents to fund her child. They could have come home to find that the housework had yet again been left undone and flipped.

Or, she could have been a very hardworking person who does everything but has shitty parents.

I asked if she does help out around the house because if she doesn't, then may be her parents had had enough of supppeting her child and getting no help around the house. Whereas if she does, and this wasn't a one-off massive spat over responsibilites then she needs to get out.

She's 18 now. She can move out. There is help available, and it can be done. Making a whole load of changes whilst being in first year of uni is hard though. That's what I did and it is hard. I wish I had taken a year out to get set up on my own and get some money saved, then gone to uni once I knew I had things in hand.

Do you have any real life support?

Safely when you can, call student support at your Uni and book a appointment with them. They will help and not judge you, plenty of students of differing circumstances so they have mechanisms in place to support you.
Stay in Uni,focus on your studies and be a inspiration to your baby. Yes it will be tough but from your post, I feel you have already dealt with stuff some older adults may not have encountered.
Make a plan, start collecting essential documents like your passports, birth certificates etc etc.
Leave your parent out of life as soon as you can, go no contact because they seem to be sucking out your confidence.
Life will get better but it will require alot of hard work on your part-i wish you the best.

This is domestic abuse.

If anybody is going to call the police here it should be you about them - domestic abuse committed by a family member against another family member is a crime. It carries a prison sentence.

Some of the posters on this thread should be ashamed.

Women's Aid are there for you as a source of advice and support if you want to use it, op. They can help you plan to protect yourself as well as with practical advice.

Freedom Programme can also help you make sense of it all and break the cycle once you leave: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Obviously that's for after you've sorted the more immediate stuff out. But the group courses are free to attend, some have creche facilities, and they won't judge you or tell you what to do. You will not be the first person there because they suffered domestic abuse by a family member.

It's info not therapy so you don't have to talk or share your life story. You can just listen.

Lastly, on learning all the financial and practical stuff, the Money Advice Service website has some really useful information on things like renting and budgeting. Definitely worth a look. It's set out really clearly and doesn't assume you should magically know things already. Citizens Advice website also has similar guides on practical life admin matters!

Good luck.

OP, I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with abusive behaviour at home, where you should be most supported, even at your age and with a baby, and also on this thread. Ignore the, quite frankly pointless, questions about the washing machine. Why, oh why do some people continue to focus on small issues when there is a massive big issue at stake.

You have had some good advice and ways forward given on this thread. Read them carefully and plan your independence. You have achieved a wonderful thing in getting in to such a good university, your future is very bright, I am rooting for you