Should I get up and leave?

[needadvicethanks]

I've name changed but I've been an active poster for a few months.

I need advice about my crazy home life. I'm about to start university as an undergrad in London and currently live at home with my toddler.

Unfortunately my parent has a very short temper and is making my life miserable.

(They just blew up at me because they called me to take the washing out. I couldn't hear anything then they hung up. They got home and began talking behind my back about how useless I am so I walked in and calmly explained how I had no idea, that's why I didn't take my own out).

... this escalated into an explosive confrontation in front of both of our children. They threatened to slap me (for essentially explaining how they were wrong) and me being called names, all kinds of sickening insults to say to your own child. They also threatened to call the police and SS.

Anyway, I've been considering leaving for a while now but I'm not sure how to go about it, because:

•I'm an undergrad and have no money. I don't have student finance yet and it's not even the full amount as I haven't sent all the evidence in
•this person undoubtedly will not let me take my child with me without a fight.
•I don't even know how to go about getting a place to live, do I go to an estate agent?

TLDR: I need to leave home but I'm a poor student

Thanks

I use youtube to cook nice meals... find videos that are top rated with ingredients you have at home, and try to make it... its fun to learn and to eat nice food

53Lulualla

My washing machine is also in an out house, so you can't hear it spin or beep.

Contact student finance and change application to as you said. You may need a new address first though--get down the council with your suitcases and toddler and claim homelessness. That's the only way you'll get emergency accommodation asap.

Speak to the university and see if they can help - you're living in an abusive household, with a child. If they can't help they will have advisors who can help support or direct you I'm sure
Good luck, you can't live like this - move
Onwards and upwards

Alternatively, does your university offer family accommodations?

@Lulualla

If I'm being honest, yes I fucked up getting pregnant but I hardly had any choice in termination. I rescheduled a Ned for surgical as I was terrified of doing it alone, having to get the bus there and back twice in a day, with £10 to my name. They found out and if I went ahead with a termination I'd have been ostracised and absolutely demonised. Having said that of course I love my DC but it makes things a lot harder.

Some posters are being awfully harsh.

OP, some good advice on here from the more sensible posters. Get SF sorted properly, talk to your uni about what support you can get access to, etc. Some unis do a hardship grant/loan, too. Dedicate a day to doing paperwork and ringing everywhere you need to. Then see what money you're working with. Head down to citizens advice and see if there's other benefits you can claim.

Once you know figures you can sort moving out and accomodation. Get out of there and make it on your own. Honestly, it'll be easier than living where you are now. That environment just isn't good for you or your child.

You'll be fine. Btw, OP, for what it's worth- you're doing great. A top 10 uni is a fantastic achievement, even more so with a toddler and unsupportive environment! Be proud of yourself. You'll be just fine, you're a smart girl. Go n kick ass!

(And to the posters being condescending: bore off).

@Hannah021

It's not even that I can't cook, I can I can make a few things. thet say they won't as a dig it's hard to explain but really... it's just another way to insult me.

@Lifeisabeach09
They have it but only for post grad. Good idea though, I may ask if there are any vacancies

Thank you so much @vanillaicedtea I really appreciate that

There's nothing wrong with having a child. But your decision to stay at home hasn't helped you. It's an abusive environment. Bringing the child into it, and I assume getting your parent to financially support the child, was never a god route to go down.

There are options for you. There is help out there for you. You can move out and do it alone. But saving up enough for the initial move/deposit/first month waiting on benefit payments and setting up home will be very very hard. Having uni as well makes it even harder.
You shouldn't give up uni, but would they let you defer a year? Get yourself set up, get out, get money coming in through benefits and part time work. Benefits will help cover childcare costs. Then you can go to uni next year and get as much student finance as you can, as a single parent living alone.

@Lulualla

Stop being judgey. You aren't perfect, either, and I will not stand to see you being a cheeky fucker to an 18 year old. Go on, tell us how great you were at 18. You make yourself sound like you found the cure for cancer at that age.

Honestly. Patronising idiot.

Go and see student services, explain what you need and they will help you sort out accommodation. Then go and apply for UC. You will be much better out of this toxic environment.

My washing machine is also in an out house, so you can't hear it spin or beep.

Same. It seems some posters can’t imagine anything different to their own life 🙄 Lulualla mainly, who was the perfect teen by the sounds of it.

Good luck at uni OP. Well done. Find a way to move out, away from these people and on with your life!

@vanillaicedtea

She didn't even send in all the necessary paperwork for her student finance so isn't getting as much as she should be. That's a mistake you just don't make.
Her priority should have been getting out, getting into a routine and getting some money set aside. Which is all possible. Then go to uni and get the full finance and assurance you get with being a single parent.
I had a child when I was not much older than her. I did it standing on my own 2 feet and I got through uni. It is absolutely possible, so I won't just stand by while she leaves her child living in that situation when there is just no need for it. She has other options. It could be done. But she didn't even sort out the student finance properly.

Hannah021

I get the feeling OP could win master chef and her parents would still find room to criticize and be horrible. You really don’t seem to be getting the point of the post. OP isn’t asking for a cookery master class.

Lulualla

Here's a (slow) hand clap.

Bully for you.

I hope that if I ever come across someone who has ever been in the same situation as me and struggling with it, that I could impart my advice with empathy and kindness rather than than being
condescending.

If OP had said a partner was treating her like this, I wonder whether so many people would be telling her she should have done x, y, z differently. I have no better advice than others have already given, but I wish you the best in getting yourself and dc out of this horrible situation.

@Lulualla

That's fine. A fair point to make. But going on about the washing was patronising and needless. I find it hard to believe no one else has ever forgotten the washing. I certainly have, plenty of times. I think she has a lot of her plate and she's done very well so far (getting into an excellent uni, etc). Let's just lift her up and provide good advice, rather than bringing her down.

Women are supposed to lift each other up. Being a parent is hard. Being a student is hard, especially when there's other factors that come into play. Life is hard. No one can do the right thing 100% of the time.

@Lulualla

Yes I should have sorted it earlier, my parent had it in my name. But they told me it wouldn't matter which resulted in the evidence now being delayed. That's both our faults but it's luckily being dealt with now. I'm sure you're not trying to be rude, just wonder if there's more to the story that I'm not saying, maybe I'm a bratty teen. I promise you, I'm not. I can't do anything right, I really am just walking on eggshells.

--

Appreciate all the helpful advice, I will right a list and try and sort it tomorrow.

@vanillaicedtea

From her OP, she had to be asked to do housework and hadn't sorted out her own student finance properly. Those 2 points put together added up to someone who doesn't really do much without being prompted to do it. Which was why I asked if she actually did help around the house.

The argument which followed could have just been a normal argument, which through the eyes of a teen was worse than it actually was. Her further posts hinted more at the abuse.

@Lulualla

This again? As I said, I was told it would t be a problem. I asked constantly for help with my application. They didn't even bother looking up from their phone/TV. I stood by the door of the living room, like I was invisible. After several attempts I'd usually be met with 'what do you want?' Imagine being intimidated of asking your own parent for help with something.

I had actual sleepless nights throughout the summer holiday, because I was concerned about this. 🙄

There will be student services at the university, through the union. They'll have met similar situations before. They might be able to show you how to access what you need. It's a while since I was at university but they also had hardship funds, access funds, all sorts of ways to get gifts of money if you just worked out how to apply.

Sod the washing. That's not the issue. You're being emotionally abused, probably have been all your life. Get out and get your baby out.

Best of luck op, you sound amazing. Any extended family who could help?
I think your priority is getting out of there and cutting these awful people off.

OP, have you posted about your awful parents before?