Should I get up and leave?

[needadvicethanks]

I've name changed but I've been an active poster for a few months.

I need advice about my crazy home life. I'm about to start university as an undergrad in London and currently live at home with my toddler.

Unfortunately my parent has a very short temper and is making my life miserable.

(They just blew up at me because they called me to take the washing out. I couldn't hear anything then they hung up. They got home and began talking behind my back about how useless I am so I walked in and calmly explained how I had no idea, that's why I didn't take my own out).

... this escalated into an explosive confrontation in front of both of our children. They threatened to slap me (for essentially explaining how they were wrong) and me being called names, all kinds of sickening insults to say to your own child. They also threatened to call the police and SS.

Anyway, I've been considering leaving for a while now but I'm not sure how to go about it, because:

•I'm an undergrad and have no money. I don't have student finance yet and it's not even the full amount as I haven't sent all the evidence in
•this person undoubtedly will not let me take my child with me without a fight.
•I don't even know how to go about getting a place to live, do I go to an estate agent?

TLDR: I need to leave home but I'm a poor student

Thanks

OP, absolutely speak to your student welfare team. This is what they're here for, it almost certainly won't be something they haven't come across before and they do often have access to additional funding or knowledge of other options available to you.

Be honest about your living situation - student welfare is taken very seriously.

If you can, get your school or college (the one you got your A-levels from or the place where you did your access course) on the phone. Even if it's a year or two since you last studied, still contact them. Ask to talk to the head of sixth form or student counsellor or someone else who can support your changes to the application re: student loans. Don't let reception fob you off. Doesn't matter if the staff know you well or not, it'll impact on the school/college's performance stats if you have to not take up a place at uni so it's in their best interests to help you. They also should have helped with your student finance application, it sounds like you've slipped through the cracks.

Explain that you are about to become permanently estranged from your parents and that you're applying to university as an unsupported student (when I did this, I needed proof I didn't live with my parents or have contact with them). I got a bunch of people to write to my Local Education Authority with supporting evidence showing I was unsupported.

As a side note, though, and I'm not trying to be mean, I'm not sure how you'll afford to live in London with a toddler with no job or benefits and no housing lined up yet. I had to leave London because of being homeless at 18 and I ended up studying at another top 10 uni in a much cheaper city. At the time there was a 6 month waiting list for the emergency accommodation (work that one out, I still can't) because I wasn't pregnant and because it was my parents, not a boyfriend, who had abused me (no more details as I don't want to out myself).

For all the well-intentioned people going on about this being domestic violence, unless something has changed RADICALLY in the past few years there is literally no help whatsoever when your parents are the abusers and you're over 17 (unless you already have a care order from SS they won't do anything after your 17th birthday), and 9 times out of 10 people will assume you're in the wrong because you're a teenager.

In the area where your parents live, you should get fast housing via the council due to having a toddler, but a lot of councils flout the homelessness law especially in London and if you rock up at a council office near your uni (rather than near your parents, who I'm assuming don't live near your uni but if I'm wrong you'll be fine), you might have issues with having no family connections (direct relatives) or job in the London borough you need to live in to go to uni. You might need to defer so you can sort out childcare, housing etc and getting your home life sorted will 1000% make doing a degree easier.

Also get yourself a student account with an overdraft if you haven't, yet. I don't usually advise people to get into debt but if you desperately need to leave that overdraft might help with your rent/deposit.

If you can go through the private sector for housing, Gumtree very often has house shares and they're usually cheaper than going through a lettings agent.

And please please don't do what I did: Don't tell your parents you're leaving. You will probably have to leave a bunch of stuff behind but it's much safer if there's any chance at all of a physical confrontation or a chance they'll stop you taking your baby. If they do, call the police. She's your baby and you're the only one with a right to keep her.

The Uni will want to help. You’re an intelligent young woman and they don’t give out Uni places lightly. Talk to them - they will help (if they don’t, I’d (a) be astonished and (b) pull yourself out and try for a more understanding Uni (either through clearing this year, or re-applying for next year while you get the hell out of your current situation). Good luck. You sound strong and amazing, so don’t think you can’t do this.

This reads to me like domestic abuse, so it's worth knowing that you could report your parent's behaviour to the police, even if that's not something you want to do.

You can also contact domestic violence charities like Women's Aid for help leaving in a safe way. Unless there's already a Child Arrangements Order saying otherwise, your parent cannot prevent you and your child moving out.

You need specialist advice regarding the interaction between Universal Credit and standard Student Finance. You may find this most easily via your University/Students' Union, but you might need to look further afield. If you can't find someone, you want a copy of cpag.org.uk/shop/cpag-titles/pre-order-student-support-and-benefits-handbook-201920 which your university library should be able to order for you when published.

You may be able to defer your university place for a year if it would be better for you to work for a year first. You may find you are better off not going to university in London, given the higher costs of living in London vs. living elsewhere. There are top ten universities in places that aren't London.

Appreciate the new suggestions.

I cant believe I'm actually considering this, and my teachers in sixth form we're so nice, but it's so embarrassing to actually admit to.

Definitely can't leave yet, it'll take some coordination (I'd also have to give up DC's nursery place which is a big step). Still, I need to really go through with this at some point.

Got some great advice for tomorrow, feeing more positive.

Please have a word with whatever student support people you have at your university. If you have had years of bullying and abuse from this parent, you need help to move yourself and your child out of the situation.

@lulualla, I'm just going to point out that OP grew up in an abusive home, do you have any idea how the affects your entire life and your confidence? Maybe you do and that happened to you too and you were lucky to find your way out but It. Is. Really. Hard.

Learning to be an adult really quickly without a good role model is awful. Show a little sympathy.

Your current living situation dousnt sound healthy for you or your child because the parent sounds abusive

I think you would both be netter off living separate from you mother

I think its actually mad that the parent wouldn't want to keep your child away from you. Its best for the child to stay with the mother !

Look into finances, benefits, housing and council etc
You and your child are entitled to somewhere if your own to live and enough money to do so.

You'll get the parent allowance (£1.5K ish) on top of the max loan amount for London which is £10K+, the uni may have a bursary for you to access, mine does, plus 85% of your childcare costs covered. You can recieve housing benefit as a student if you are a single parent. Speak to the uni, you'd be surprised at what they can help with. Speak to the council/CAB. If you do find somewhere to live, students are exempt from paying council tax.

Don't worry about your child's nursery place, if you're at uni id suggest getting a childminder instead as they are much more flexible, my childminder is really understanding when my SFE payments are delayed, if I have a rescheduled lecture they're happy to shift my hours about in short notice and they pick up and drop off my DD. As long as they're OFSTED registered, if not SFE won't cover the costs.

Also, there is student accommodation specifically for parents at most unis, if you don't get housed by the council which you may not, as they may class you as having made yourself homeless, and if not waiting to be housed can take years.

Do not give up on going to Uni no matter what you do. Your uni should also have a student union Facebook group which will most likely have a student parent branch, they're invaluable to you and will also offer advice and support. Uni will be open currently so you can go in and speak to your welfare team. Not sure about other unis, but my uni has a computer room that is open 24/7 almost all year, if you feel unsafe you can see if your uni has something similar and take your child there for a few hours and use the WiFi and figure out what you're doing.

• (if you leave home you're automatically counted as emancipated as you have a child so they won't take your parent's income into account, just go clarify the amounts I listed)

Thank you @2tired2function

I also had an abusive relationship and surprise surprise- my parent supports the abuser. Thanks @Loveyou3000 I'll probably call and ask to change the circumstances on SF application.

OP, do you live with both parents? Any other siblings? I was confused about the reference to 'both our children' and a few of the other details. Were your parents born in this country? Am just wondering why they seem to be ashamed of you having had a baby and appear to be directing their anger towards you? Did they look after your baby whilst you went to school and did your A-levels? If so, they may well feel that they have made sacrifices and have some sort of entitlement/say in your baby's upbringing. It can't have been easy for any of you losing your brother and must have put an enormous strain on things! Am just trying to fathom why they would behave like this. Moving out, going to Uni, studying, being so young, being a single parent, having a toddler to look after and no money whilst living in London is a huge amount to deal with. On top of which you have abusive parents and are dealing with the loss of your brother. I think that moving out and going to uni in London this year is too ambitious. I really think that you should concentrate mostly on your child, moving out, getting a job and providing some stability before you contemplate getting further into debt and spending long hours studying alone with a small toddler, whilst your peers are all out socializing and drinking etc. University is not the be all and end all by any means. And you don't have to go at 18. Many companies will sponsor you to gain qualifications/get a degree in a relevant field whilst working for them. This is particularly true of large companies and the civil service. Talk to a careers advisor. What subject were you hoping to study and what career were you wishing to pursue? There may be people here who are able to offer more job specific advice

Please don’t listen to CorBlimeyGovenor
Lot of young mothers go to university get good jobs much better thanks struggling on benefits or minimum wage position. There are people and charities to help. They will do all they can to sort you out.

Go and speak to someone who knows what’s available, one step at a time and the more you know the better you’ll feel about your decision

@Lulualla 18 year olds aren't teens, they are adults.

Whether you did or didn’t get the washing in, there’s no reason to talk to you like that. It’s not the crime of the century. It’ll dry eventually! It’s mildly annoying, yes, but doesn’t warrant an abusive rant.

Hope you get yourself sorted soon.

@needadvicethanks I hope 2day has been a better day for you. You have been given some fantastic advice...please ignore posters like @lulualla it seems they have no concept of what isnt normal to them.

Hope u get it all sorted soon, please confide in someone in real life, I am worried about how this is affecting your mental health...take care x

CorBlimeyGovenor, how patronising. She won't be going out drinking if she moves out anyway, will she, who would she leave her child with?

I'm a young mum and a student and it doesn't bother me one bit that I don't go out with everyone else, by second year no one has gone out much anyways as we get our heads down. I still have a great social life around lectures and my coursemates come to mine to study. Not being able to go clubbing is so far down my list of priorities, as it should be when you're wanting to achieve good grades. Uni has been the best thing for me, and my child.

@CorBlimeyGovenor
The insults have reduced but it's still very tense. I think this is because I've now started recording interactions for my own protection.

It's my mum who has lots of experience working with children and if she does call SS nobody will believe me. Her and her partner are foreign and have their own kids.

Yes, she's very angry. I did all childcare throughout year 12 but year 13 she did 2 days whilst I was at school. But it's. Not about childcare, it's about religion and stuff. I'm also not religious, and often conveniently hear my kind referred to as 'possessed' and 'going to hell' when I'm in earshot.

Thanks @GreenTulips

Housing isn't that expensive whee I live. Now it all depends on whether I can change the circumstances on student finance to get the maximum. If not, I can always leave next year, which isn't too bad.

I made a few phone calls but they didn't get me anywhere. One woman recommended homelessness to the council on the phone but I have a bad feeling about that.

I just realised my name change fail..thanks again.