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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious

106 replies

Alfiesmom15 · 10/09/2019 17:42

Me and my partner been together 6 years we have our problems like most but weve been working on them but seriously today I could actually throttle him.... my cars at garage so he needed to take me to work then drop son at school. He also picks son up from school.... I rang him at 3pm to make sure he was getting ready to go get son..... queue 20 past three school.phones hes not turned up and no one can get hold of him.... hed fell to fucking sleep (my sister fetched him).... and then I get home sink full of washing up, crumbs all over the side, boxes I've asked to be moved full of his shit and still there in my living room.... sons come home from school with shit all over his wellies (forest school) instead of washing them or putting them outside my house now smells of horse shit.... I had to wait 15 mins outside work to get me..... my cars not going to be fixed till tomorrow the problem is bigger then what they thought so probably going to cost more money.
Now hes driving an hours drive to buy a computer desk. Which he will defo make out hes doing me a massive favour except it's for his computer that I never actually use.... someone please tell me I'm not over reacting because I'm fuming

OP posts:
Dyrne · 11/09/2019 07:04

Do you even like your partner, OP? I can’t imagine being petty enough to actually count the number of knives I am washing up... and why didn’t you just ask him to wash up before you cracked on with cooking, rather than doing it like a martyr then moaning about it?

It sounds like there are bigger issues here - if you’re not happy with your DP working part time and nights then that is the conversation you need to have; not berate him for using FIVE knives over the course of the day.

Original poster
Alfiesmom15 · 11/09/2019 08:35

We only have 5 knives so a big indication he had used 5 was when I had to wash up before I could make my sons dinner. Why would I not be happy with him part time? He brings home more than a fair decent amount of money and with him being a lot home in the weeks means I dont have to pay for childcare.... except he forgot about our son anyway..

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiesmom15 · 11/09/2019 08:36

But tbf I am over it today now lol I'm not going to hold on to it

OP posts:
StressyDressyHeels · 11/09/2019 08:38

I agree he sounds like a lazy sod.

Also agree it makes no odds whether or not he’s your sons dad. If you say you’ll do something and someone (especially a child) is relying on you, you should do it!

Tonnerre · 11/09/2019 08:54

I'd understand being pissed about the missed pick up but the state of the house is a bit OTT considering he needed to sleep

If he was awake enough to make the mess, he was awake enough to clear it up.

Tonnerre · 11/09/2019 08:56

I cant drive his car it's too big for me in comparison to mine and usually full of equipment so it hard to drive for me.

I sympathise completely with you for being wary of driving bigger cars, as I've been there myself. However, when I had to drive larger cars I found it was really quite easy, so I'd suggest you go for it.

twinGeorge · 11/09/2019 10:42

When talking to him about the situation try to use I statements instead of you statements, as it's easier for the other person to hear what you're saying. For example, instead of, "You've left the place in a mess" try, "I become stressed when the house is a mess."

twinGeorge · 11/09/2019 10:43

Oh yes, doing very well

Aaarrgghhh · 11/09/2019 12:07

The house being a mess is fine, don’t overreact about that. Also, he fell asleep after working nights, your body takes time to adjust I wouldn’t be too annoyed. Once, and only once both me and my partner fell asleep and was an hour late to collect our daughter. It’s never happened again and I felt awful. Get him to set an alarm so even if he falls asleep it should wake him.

Aaarrgghhh · 11/09/2019 12:29

You are actually complaining about the amount of dishes he used throughout the day? That’s a bit of an odd reaction, also, why did you do them? There clearly weren’t many and I don’t understand why you couldn’t leave him to do it. It’s not even enough dishes to get in the way of making a dinner.

Aaarrgghhh · 11/09/2019 12:32

Just seen that you only have five knives. Buy some more. That’s what we did and we don’t need to stress about using a few throughout the day. Just some cheap cutlery will do.

Bojangles33 · 11/09/2019 12:40

@minesagin37 Yes, but apparently he can't do the bloody washing up

lvsel · 11/09/2019 13:38

Only issue here is him not cleaning up hes a grown man

Aaarrgghhh · 11/09/2019 14:31

hes a grown man

Exactly, so why is it an issue to not do the dishes immediately after using them? I use multiple things throughout the day but I don’t sit and scrub them as soon as I’m done, they sit on the worktop until I deal with them later. It’s not the end of the world to not wash up straight away lol

Original poster
Alfiesmom15 · 11/09/2019 15:52

I'm not on about him washing up straight after hes used them..... hes home alone for 8 1/2 hours......I'm.not buying more cutlery just so he doesnt have to clean up after himself that's bloody rediculous.... and no the plates didnt stop me preparing dinner but the bread crumbs, coffee granules, sugar granules and water Mark's did.....
Why are people so hung up on on the difference of work hours... it makes no difference we both live in the house... just because someone works a night shift 24 hours previously does give them a right not to clean up after themselves .... I dont get to the weekend and say I've work 37 hours this week let's not wash up for 2 days and just buy more plates ..... its 50/50 you make mess you clean it..... but apparently it's perfectly acceptable for someone who has been at work all day to the come home clean up said mess, sort dinner out, wash up after dinner, sort the laundry out, put son to bed..... but that's ok because someone else did 3 nights work this week... now I'm perfectly fine doing all that but I'm not about to baby him and clean up after him whens hes perfectly capable of washing a plate in a 8 hour time frame, or buy more cutlery so he can leave it.longer for me to do.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiesmom15 · 11/09/2019 15:54

He has two things to do pick son up from school and have the courtesy to clean up after himself..... that's all I ask for.... I'm happy to do the rest i enjoy but I dont enjoy being someones replacement mother.... the fact that everyone else finds it acceptable would tell me either a) you clean up after everyone and you clearly are the house slave or b) you expect someone to go to work and then clean up after you ..... that doesnt work for me.

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 11/09/2019 15:57

But why does he have to clean up after himself to your time scale? That doesn’t make any sense. You came in, seen they weren’t done and did them yourself. Like I said, I can leave a dish all day, more than eight hours, doesn’t mean I won’t do it at some point. And ffs it’s not ridiculous to spend a quid or two on four extra knives because clearly they are used a lot. I make sure we have extra tea spoons because they are the most used in our home. Doesn’t make me ridiculous at all.

GabsAlot · 11/09/2019 18:29

She said why because he used all the cutlery they had-its not hard

Original poster
Alfiesmom15 · 11/09/2019 18:35

Yes why not earth would someone who has done absolutely nothing in over 8 hours including not collecting our son from school.... why on earth should he have to clean up after himself? That's rediculous.... why should someone who has been at work all day come home to find that the two things that get asked of them havent been done because they needed a nap

OP posts:
Melinamartin · 11/09/2019 18:54

I wish I had this sort of problem on my life lmao .

Aaarrgghhh · 11/09/2019 18:56

GabsAlot So buy more if it’s such an issue then.. as an adult I won’t be told to do my dishes straight after using them and if he fell asleep then clearly they weren’t going to be done but yeah, buy more, problem solved. If it’s really not something the op can do then maybe give him his own set few and he can’t touch the others so op always has clean cutlery. Although, to do this would be ridiculous.

BasiliskStare · 12/09/2019 03:09

Oh seriously - trashing the house & leaving rubbish everywhere would be dreadful. a couple of bowls and 5 knives on the side of the sink isn't the end of the world. & really, cutlery can be bought cheaply - just get some more. I will not use the MN phrase but really - there seem to be more things in play here than a couple of bowls and 5 knives.

Actually I like this thread because it reminds me to write memo to self to get more teaspoons. (Where do teaspoons go ? - they disappear in this house like spies in east Berlin)

maz7777 · 12/09/2019 03:25

What a weird thread. He's clearly not pulling his weight.

All these people saying they worked night shifts and it's a killer - that's NOT what Dj'ing is.

It's 3-4 hours a night over a weekend, 2-3 nights. My ex was a dj for years. They don't work all night, it's not hard work. They drink, chat, socialise and stay out later if they feel like it. Yes they make good money - doing sweet fuck all. It is NOT a night shift.

It is no excuse for him doing nothing at home and napping during the day. I've had many poor nights of sleep with young kids and still never slept through school pick up.

The low standards on this thread for a man essentially working 12 hours a week is astounding.

maz7777 · 12/09/2019 03:27

Btw op - I'm very glad my ex is an ex and I'd never put up with that kind of crap again.

Aaarrgghhh · 12/09/2019 07:53

BasiliskStare Same here. Asda, four for 40p. Got myself two sets the other day.