My son has been with his partner for about fifteen years and I honestly don't know what, if anything, I've said or done wrong to her. She is a high flyer in her profession and, at the beginning of this year, she was appointed to an incredibly senior post. I was truthfully very pleased for her and very proud as well. Like my son, she comes from a working class background and has had to really graft to get to where she is.
I sent her a congratulations card and bought a silver paperweight for her which I had engraved with the date and her new post. Then, a couple of weeks later when she came over with my son I said to her how proud I was of her. Her reply was, 'Oh, I've had enough arse licking about it.' I was NOT arse licking! I was simply expressing acknowledgement of her achievements.
There was a big event in London for her appointment and her father, his girlfriend and her brother attended (her parents are divorced and the whole relationship in her family is a bit strange) and my husband and I were invited, which was nice. She paid everything for her father, his girlfriend and brother - their rail travel, hotel, meals in London. I was a bit apalled that they were so ready to accept it without even offering to pay for a meal for her and my son. In fairness, she offered to pay for us but I absolutely refused. I am quite proud and I paid for us. I told my son I wasn't going to scrounge off them even though they're a lot better off than us. It's just not my way.
My husband and I very rarely visit them because we don't want to intrude in their lives at all and to be honest, I always feel that she really doesn't want to spend any time with me. About once a month my job takes me to the same city where my son works. If he's free he will meet me for lunch and it's lovely to have an hour with him and a bit of a catch up. A couple of months ago, I happened to be working on a Saturday so son and partner both met me and she was absolutely fine, chatting etc. and it was lovely to be with them both. It almost feels schizophrenic.
They're both forty this year, son in two weeks and his partner in November. She did phone and say it would be nice to go out for dinner with us and the rest of our family - I have two stepsons as well as my son and we have five grandchildren. She has been vegetarian for years but this year has decided to be vegan so I searched everywhere to find a nice restaurant with a vegan menu. I sent her a copy of a menu from a lovely country pub that we have visited before and she replied to say there was nothing on the menu that she would eat.
I did loads of research to find an alternative place and when they came over a few weeks ago I showed her both menus on the internet. 'I don't mind at all,' she said, ' as long as they do vegan I'll be fine.'
They don't have any children but they had a lovely little rescue dog which they both doted on. Sadly, she had to be put to sleep a few months ago because she was very old and poorly and naturally they were both gutted. I completely understand how they feel because all my adult life I've had dogs. They are a big part of mine and my husband's lives and for the last thirty odd years we've always had three retrievers at a time - flat coats and goldens. My current golden is fourteen and getting very creaky. They came over a few weeks ago and I commented on my old dog. She snapped at me and said 'my dog didn't have the chance to get to that age.' Actually she doesn't really know how old their dog was because being a rescue, there was a lot of uncertainty about how old she actually was - and why does it matter? If my dog is older, then am I supposed to feel bad about it?
I've tried so hard to be friendly with her for my son's sake as much as anything, but if I text her for any reason at all she never replies. I texted her this week asking for some advice on a professional matter and she didn't reply which frankly, I thought was just rude. I very rarely phone her but if I do she always ignores my calls and I can tell she has hit the ignore button on her phone because it rings out and then stops.
I also lost one of my dogs at the end of last year but my boy was only five years old. He died in a freak accident when a tennis ball was wedged in his throat and it killed him. Seriously, it was the most traumatic experiences I've ever had. I was out on my own with my dogs and I couldn't save him. He died at my feet. One of the vet nurses at our vets sent me a lovely little card with some sweet words in. I came across her card this week in my drawer and, thinking son's partner would like it, I put the same words on her facebook page explaning who had sent it to me.
My son rang me this morning to tell me off and said I'd really upset her and I shouldn't have posted on her facebook page. He said, 'after all, it's still raw.' I'm sure it is but I thought the words would be a bit of comfort.
I love my son very much. We have always had a close and easy relationship. His dad died many years ago and I was on my own with him until he was four and I met my husband who is his stepfather and thankfully he has brought him up as his own. I don't say anything about the way his partner acts towards me because I always take the view that as long as they have a good relationship then it doesn't really matter if she doesn't like me but I can't help feeling hurt.
It's so weird. When she's there in my company with my son she is pretty okay except for her odd barbed comment - aka the one about arse licking - but when I do something in all innocence, like my comment on her facebook page I'm in trouble and the rest of the time she blanks me.
I just feel as though I'm walking on eggshells all the time with her and everything I do or say is wrong.