AIBU to feel so hurt?

[Lincolnfield]

My son has been with his partner for about fifteen years and I honestly don't know what, if anything, I've said or done wrong to her. She is a high flyer in her profession and, at the beginning of this year, she was appointed to an incredibly senior post. I was truthfully very pleased for her and very proud as well. Like my son, she comes from a working class background and has had to really graft to get to where she is.

I sent her a congratulations card and bought a silver paperweight for her which I had engraved with the date and her new post. Then, a couple of weeks later when she came over with my son I said to her how proud I was of her. Her reply was, 'Oh, I've had enough arse licking about it.' I was NOT arse licking! I was simply expressing acknowledgement of her achievements.

There was a big event in London for her appointment and her father, his girlfriend and her brother attended (her parents are divorced and the whole relationship in her family is a bit strange) and my husband and I were invited, which was nice. She paid everything for her father, his girlfriend and brother - their rail travel, hotel, meals in London. I was a bit apalled that they were so ready to accept it without even offering to pay for a meal for her and my son. In fairness, she offered to pay for us but I absolutely refused. I am quite proud and I paid for us. I told my son I wasn't going to scrounge off them even though they're a lot better off than us. It's just not my way.

My husband and I very rarely visit them because we don't want to intrude in their lives at all and to be honest, I always feel that she really doesn't want to spend any time with me. About once a month my job takes me to the same city where my son works. If he's free he will meet me for lunch and it's lovely to have an hour with him and a bit of a catch up. A couple of months ago, I happened to be working on a Saturday so son and partner both met me and she was absolutely fine, chatting etc. and it was lovely to be with them both. It almost feels schizophrenic.

They're both forty this year, son in two weeks and his partner in November. She did phone and say it would be nice to go out for dinner with us and the rest of our family - I have two stepsons as well as my son and we have five grandchildren. She has been vegetarian for years but this year has decided to be vegan so I searched everywhere to find a nice restaurant with a vegan menu. I sent her a copy of a menu from a lovely country pub that we have visited before and she replied to say there was nothing on the menu that she would eat.

I did loads of research to find an alternative place and when they came over a few weeks ago I showed her both menus on the internet. 'I don't mind at all,' she said, ' as long as they do vegan I'll be fine.'

They don't have any children but they had a lovely little rescue dog which they both doted on. Sadly, she had to be put to sleep a few months ago because she was very old and poorly and naturally they were both gutted. I completely understand how they feel because all my adult life I've had dogs. They are a big part of mine and my husband's lives and for the last thirty odd years we've always had three retrievers at a time - flat coats and goldens. My current golden is fourteen and getting very creaky. They came over a few weeks ago and I commented on my old dog. She snapped at me and said 'my dog didn't have the chance to get to that age.' Actually she doesn't really know how old their dog was because being a rescue, there was a lot of uncertainty about how old she actually was - and why does it matter? If my dog is older, then am I supposed to feel bad about it?

I've tried so hard to be friendly with her for my son's sake as much as anything, but if I text her for any reason at all she never replies. I texted her this week asking for some advice on a professional matter and she didn't reply which frankly, I thought was just rude. I very rarely phone her but if I do she always ignores my calls and I can tell she has hit the ignore button on her phone because it rings out and then stops.

I also lost one of my dogs at the end of last year but my boy was only five years old. He died in a freak accident when a tennis ball was wedged in his throat and it killed him. Seriously, it was the most traumatic experiences I've ever had. I was out on my own with my dogs and I couldn't save him. He died at my feet. One of the vet nurses at our vets sent me a lovely little card with some sweet words in. I came across her card this week in my drawer and, thinking son's partner would like it, I put the same words on her facebook page explaning who had sent it to me.

My son rang me this morning to tell me off and said I'd really upset her and I shouldn't have posted on her facebook page. He said, 'after all, it's still raw.' I'm sure it is but I thought the words would be a bit of comfort.

I love my son very much. We have always had a close and easy relationship. His dad died many years ago and I was on my own with him until he was four and I met my husband who is his stepfather and thankfully he has brought him up as his own. I don't say anything about the way his partner acts towards me because I always take the view that as long as they have a good relationship then it doesn't really matter if she doesn't like me but I can't help feeling hurt.

It's so weird. When she's there in my company with my son she is pretty okay except for her odd barbed comment - aka the one about arse licking - but when I do something in all innocence, like my comment on her facebook page I'm in trouble and the rest of the time she blanks me.

I just feel as though I'm walking on eggshells all the time with her and everything I do or say is wrong.

I’d love to see her side of this

You sound like quite the martyr in some of what you write - you won’t visit because you don’t want to intrude, you refuse their hospitality and imply her family are scroungers because of it but you make over the top gestures in other ways like the paperweight and a (really quite odd) Facebook post involving her dead dog

It reminds me of those MIL posts where they say “I don’t mind!!” To literally everything that it’s such a bigger pain in the area

I think you need to back off a bit. You're trying too hard and being too sensitive - you said it yourself that she is always perfectly pleasant to you when you meet up with her and your son. The rest of it is just a bit over the top and she obviously finds it a bit much.

Also various things that you have written, I really fail to see what the issue actually was - you sent her a menu that didn't have an option for her and she said so, then when you gave her another one she said it would be fine. What exactly was the problem? You also make a lot of odd justifications - you're proud of her because she's working class, she doesn't get to be snappy about her dead pet because 'she doesn't actually know how old he was' - it seems to me like you focus in on some strange things and this probably comes across.

I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time here tbh. You seem like a genuinely nice person and she sounds like a self absorbed arsehole

I wouldn't bother trying anymore tbh, just leave her to it

I don't think you sound fake. But you do sound like a people pleaser (takes one to know one) and she sounds like the kind of person who hates people pleasers. So, stop trying to win her over. Just be your lovely self when you see her and beyond that make no particular effort.

She's taken a dislike to you & every call, text & Facebook post however well intentioned is just railing her more. Back off totally & she might come round. There's nothing worse than someone you aren't keen on pushing for interaction.

I agree with Soupdragon - I think your DIL could have written a very similar post about you.
That's not to say that either of you are being nasty peopng nasty people ordeliberately trying ot be hurtful. You just seem to not quite get each other and are probably both misinterperting things that are well meant as being rude.
I think your refusal of her hospitality was rude - especially if you actualy made the scroungers comment. It isn;t scrounging to accept a gift, people enjoy being generous and you did somewhat piss on her chips. If she actually didn;t like you, she wouldn;t have invited you in the first place. But maybe things have gone downhill a bit since that episode.

I would draw a line under what has happened so far. Tell your son you are sorry about the card and you meant it to be kind not upsetting, then leave it. And from now on take a bit of a step back. don't overthink and over analyse all your interactions.

She and your son have their own lives to lead, let them get on with it and when you get invitations to share time with them accept with grace. And hope they extend the same courtesy you. Don't bombard with texts, messages etc.

She tolerates you because of your son. You think of her family as 'scroungers' for accepting her perfectly polite hospitality. Just stop contacting her.

to me, it doesn't sound like she has done anything wrong. Maybe she is a bit aloof at times, but she invites you to important events, is nice when she sees you, she just doesn't want to be your best pal. You are her partners mum, no more, no less. Stop trying so hard, it probably comes across as desperate.

I agree that you might be trying too hard.

Card & a paperweight-lovely, I'm not sure if you overstepped by telling her that you were proud of her.

Maybe she thought so?

I think the "not scrounging" was awful though, as was the FB card about your dog.

I can tell you mean well, but I think you’re a little bit over-sensitive. The ‘arse-licking’ comment sounds like a joke to me. The menus thing sounds like a misunderstanding. I totally understand why she might not have wanted to have the dog stuff sent to her. And I find it quite rude that you refused to accept her paying for you while implying her own family are scroungers. As you say - she is generally pleasant company when you see her with your son, so perhaps just enjoy those times and don’t analyse her every comment like this.

I obviously don't know what her occupation is, but I know a lot of people in professional positions get very pissed off at friends and relatives expecting them to be prepared to drop everything to give free professional advice and make a policy decision to blank all such requests. That may be why your DIL didn't respond to your text. Or, quite simply, she may have been too busy initially and then forgotten - it sounds as if she has a job that carries a lot of responsibility.

You sound like a lovely person but it all sounds a bit much.

You’ve been quite rude about them paying for her family, which is just a kind a generous thing to do if they can afford it. I’d be hurt quite about that if I was her.

It sounds like you’re into sentimental stuff and she really isn’t. No one is necessarily in the wrong there, but I’d just leave it in the future.

It honestly sounds like a classic personality clash between you - your respective styles of communication, for whatever reason, are missing the mark, and you have different ideas about the best way to do things.

In my experience the only way to cope with this is to step back and try to let the other person lead the way you interact. That sounds a bit unfair and hard work for you, I know, but it sounds as though it's you who has recognised the issue, so you are the one with the opportunity to try to change things.

Your alternative is to go on as you are, and accept that you will never have a very comfortable relationship with her - or to trust that over time, your respective 'rough edges' will smooth and fit together better.

Just back off and concentrate on maintaining a good relationship with your son while you still can

Interested to know what the words about the dog were.

Lost mine yesterday ...

It sounds like you are very different personality types. I don´t think you have done anything wrong (apart from the scrounger comment), but you way of connecting with people is not hers. She doesn't want to be your friend but will be pleasant to you as her in-law when you meet. That is okay. Stop trying to force a friendship, be pleasant to her when you meet, and leave trying to make contact with her outside those times.

'She paid everything for her father, his girlfriend and brother - their rail travel, hotel, meals in London. I was a bit apalled that they were so ready to accept it without even offering to pay for a meal for her and my son. In fairness, she offered to pay for us but I absolutely refused. I am quite proud and I paid for us. I told my son I wasn't going to scrounge off them even though they're a lot better off than us. It's just not my way.'

Sorry - I should have made clear, she didn't invite us - my son did and he was going to pay for us. He commented on her family scrounging from her and I responded to him saying I wasn't going to do that to him. I wouldn't dream of saying anything of the sort to his partner.

I don't seek out my son in preference to seeing her - it's just fortuitous that when I'm in his city I can meet him from time to time. If his partner is there then I love to see her as well but she works in another city entirely.

I'm also a busy professional person and don't honestly think I'm 'needy'. I don't text or phone her every two minutes! I wouldn't have time either. It's only been when I've had something to tell her or ask her.

Thank you though to the people who thought I shouldn't have put the condolence message on her facebook. With the benefit of hindsight - it probably was unwise although I really did do it with kindness in mind and a sense of shared grief.

I think she's just busy op, and you're way over sensitive and over thinking . You've not really mentioned anything here other than a couple of comments that may have been snappy. Nothing more.

I really don't get where all your angst is coming from.

So this really is about the "arse licking" comment & the FB card?

Perhaps she was embarrassed when you said you were proud of her & was deflecting?-I'd would have found it too gushing I thing.

The FB card ill judged & your son said something so that you'd know.

I don't think that she dislikes you at all.

Haha!

Can't believe that I put thing instead of think!

She is a busy woman and possibly a bit abrupt. Leave her be, no texts e mails. Enjoy your time with your son and her company when you see them together.

From what you have written you sound like you are just trying to be nice to her.

Sometimes though when people are trying to be nice it can come across as fake or OTT even if you don't mean it be that way. She could have been joking about the arse licking, maybe she was trying to think of something funny to say but ended up insulting you, something I often do, I have verbal diahorea.

The 40th dinners, did she ask you to check out places ? or did you do this research yourself ? personally I hate when I tell people what I am planning on doing and then a gazillion messages come in with suggestions of places, and places I wouldn't want to go to and would probably have somewhere in mind myself. I had this with a SIL, I was doing a surprise meal for dh's 50th, I had 3 places in mind, then SIL emails a set menu for a restaurant that I really dislike, she had only gone and arranged a set menu with all the crap they like and she had booked the table and asked me for a confirmation of numbers !

She may have snapped over the dogs age as she is still hurting, I still get emotional 10 years later. she may have not realised she snapped, she could have been saying it in a angry tone at the situation of the dog not reaching an older age rather than an angry tone at you.

The message you put up on FB months later after her dog died, what did you write ? did you say your vet wrote these words when your dog died and you though they might help her pain or did you just focus on the death of your dog and post the words your vet wrote, making it about your dog and not hers ?

She could be the type of person that is happy to meet up occasionally, is happy to have you involved in her life but not to the degree of texting often, or calling her etc and is happy to do the main communication through your son ? my own MIL use to text me daily, ring me twice a week. I hate to admit but I ignored alot of the messages and calls, or I'd do a quick text saying i was in the middle of something, it was more because we didn't have alot to say, it was the same information as the previous call/message, it would take up to 15 mins and was quite draining, and I love my MIL she is amazing and I love seeing her and meeting her etc but the calls and texts were too much, but I do tend to hate calls and texts in general.

Maybe just leave the messages etc for a while, keep in contact with your son of course, ask after her when speaking to him, be polite and when you do meet up you'll both have alot to chat about and there will be no need for any bad feelings.

I think that you're upset that your son has had words & are looking for perceived past slights & to blame her.

I agree with others that this sounds 6 of one and half a dozen on another, and also that you're reading a lot into quite small things: she hasn't done anything awful, but you seem to have some quite high expectations, and aren't thinking about this from her pov very much...
As an outsider, what i hear is:

• She's pleasant to you when you are together, apart from occasional comments which you feel are barbed (in the 'arse-licking' comment, yes, a bit rude, but she's maybe not good at taking compliments): despite this, you tend not to visit so as 'not to intrude' ... perhaps that feels a bit stand-off-ish to her?
• She ignores your calls and texts - yup, slightly rude, but is this really an issue: do you need to call and text her direct? I like my MIL and get on well with her, but have very, very few direct interactions with her on email/text: she'll call dh and I'll shout hello. Is there a reason you need to talk to her direct?
• You refuse their offered hospitality - definitely rude on your part, especially if you implied her family were scrounging. Why does your 'pride' in paying for yourself trump her 'pride' in treating you to celebrate her achievements?
• She's proactively called you to celebrate her and your son's birthday (in other words, actively sought out time with you) then said she's fine with anywhere that has vegan options ... so maybe she is! If she's busy, she maybe doesn't want to spend time trawling through menus and is happy to delegate that to you. Non-issue.
• You've posted something on facebook - doubtless with good intentions - but it's hit the wrong mark. Without knowing what your message said (& it may have been appropriate to you, but not worked for her), in any event I wouldn't message someone about a bereavement on open FB: too raw, too visible to other people. That's a private message, not a FB thing. She's obviously very much grieving, and of all people you must know that can make people erratic and isn't a time to judge people's responses. Apologise, and don't take it to heart.

I would stop texting and calling her: you are trying for a relationship level that she isn't looking for. I really like my MIL and we get on well (better than my mum indeed) - but possibly because I don't expect to interact with her too much

Consider whether you may be inadvertently offending her too? If I wanted to treat my family because of a big event in my honour, and my partner's mother said no, because she wasn't a "scrounger", it would leave a bad taste in my mouth. Even if you didn't say it, it could still have come across. Maybe she wanted to treat you all?

Stop trying so hard, accept that you are different, and relax around her. Don't send unnecessary gifts, don't bring up things that trigger her. If she's nicest when she visits with your DS, let it be that for a while. Send cards for special days, and leave the ball in their court.