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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be U not to tell the father I’m expecting? May trigger, DV

95 replies

VScaredAndConfused · 09/09/2019 17:39

Hi, today I’ve discovered I’m pregnant. Two weeks after breaking off a long distance (4hr distance) relationship.

The father is mentally unstable, has multiple personalities and has harmed me physically more than once. Punched me in the face and sexually assaulted me. I didn’t call the police but broke things off. This morning I got a positive test...

More on the father.... He has 3 other children by other mothers (2) and I understand that social services has been involved and one of the mothers had her child removed and placed with family under a fostering arrangement. Contact with all 3 children is supervised but I don’t know specifics and haven’t ever met the children or their mothers.

If I keep this baby I can see it opening a whole can of worms if I have him involved as well as the difficulty of travelling four hours regularly so he can have contact - he’s constantly job hopping so probably wouldn’t afford the cost of this regularly. I think in the short term it would really harm everybody, the 3 half siblings and my child, to have another sibling in this circumstance and I’m very scared of my ex as well.

But on the other hand I spoke to one of my friends about it and he’s said if I do this then I have to accept that I could be emotionally harming my child if I don’t tell the father especially as my child will have at least 3 half siblings and I’d have robbed them the chance to know their brother and sisters.

I’m really messed up over this and could do with advice.
Thank you.
Ps I Nc but I’m a regular ish poster.

OP posts:
Original poster
VScaredAndConfused · 09/09/2019 17:40

Also I’m aware I have a bit of time to decide since I can’t be more than about 8-10 weeks (but can’t be precise as I have irregular periods) so I may be worrying prematurely but I can’t help it it’s a big thing to decide Sad

OP posts:
GoneToTheDock · 09/09/2019 17:42

To be honest, in your position I would terminate the pregnancy

littlemama18 · 09/09/2019 17:42

I think everybody will tell you tell him, but I am biased as I fell pregnant to a physically and mentally abusive man and my biggest regret is telling him Sadcongratulations on your pregnancy and I'm sorry it's in these circumstances but I completely understand both points of view and you will do whatever is best for your baby!

In my opinion an abusive man is not a good father.

PotteringAlong · 09/09/2019 17:43

You will not be messing them up.

Be age appropriately honest with them from the start so there’s no big revelation or discovery of half siblings and all will be fine.

Equally, it’s entirely your choice if you don’t want to carry on.

Purplestorm83 · 09/09/2019 17:44

Tbh I don’t think I would tell him - what good would it do anyone?

Original poster
VScaredAndConfused · 09/09/2019 17:44

I can’t do that. I just can’t Sad
I understand others could terminate but I just couldn’t do that. Thanks for trying to help Gone

Littlemama thank you it’s good to hear the experienced side as well. I’m genuinely grateful for all POV Flowers

OP posts:
Sayhellotothethings · 09/09/2019 17:46

In your shoes I probably wouldn't tell him and would be working out what to say to them when they are old enough to ask questions about their dad.

YouJustDoYou · 09/09/2019 17:46

What's more important right now is how YOU feel about all this. YOU will potentially be responsible for the entirety of this child's life - financial and otherwise. For the next 18+ years. Are you prepared for that? You don't have to tell him right now - right now, the most important factor is YOU - YOUR mental and physical health etc. It's obviously down to you if you want to keep this child - but be prepared for everything that goes with it.

Mummadeeze · 09/09/2019 17:47

If you really want the baby, I would go ahead and not tell him. Usually I wouldn’t advocate this but these are exceptional circumstances and you have very good reason not to. If you are 50/50 and unsure if you want to be a mother yet, in your shoes I would not keep the baby this time. You are better off waiting and having a child with someone else in much less complicated circumstances. Only you can decide that though. Best of luck, sorry you have had such a bad relationship experience.

Jengnr · 09/09/2019 17:47

Do you actually want the baby? Because if you’re even a tiny bit uncertain I think you should terminate.

If you do go ahead definitely don’t tell him.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2019 17:47

Firstly do you actually want this baby? You've come out of a traumatic relationship to a man who seriously assaulted and abused you. Whether it's now or in 16 years time when the child asks you, you will always have this tie if you keep it.

If you do want the bbay, they i'd get booked in with a midwife, and they will calculate their date based on your last period and arrange a dating scan - you need to do this ASAP as you ideally need your dating scan at about 12 weeks.

Thirdly is reconsider not reporting the assault, especially if you keep the baby as this will go e you hopefully some leverage legally Re access

And fourthly honestly I wouldn't tell him. I assume there's no mutual friends to spill the beans? I wouldn't tell anyone else who the Dad is and when baby asks I would be economical with the truth. I might let slaughtered for saying it, but it's true. He's abusive and violent, I'd Esther think I'd had aone night stand with a guy whose number Iost.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/09/2019 17:49

What an awful dilemma. I'm truly sorry, OP.

It will be hard for you whatever you decide. On a risk versus benefits assessment and knowing abusers as I do, I think it would be more harmful to the baby emotionally if you told than otherwise. The situation with the other children sounds an absolute mess. But if this is what you do decide, then honesty with the child is key.

If you chose to terminate the pregnancy then that too is entirely understandable.

Sending you Flowers

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/09/2019 17:50

NB just seen your updates, and as a mum who struggled to have my DC for nearly a decade admittedly I feel the same. But the important thing is it's your body and your choice.

springydaff · 09/09/2019 17:50

A terrified mother is more harm than an absent father, hands down.

A feckless abisivr father causes nothing but pain. Keep it to yourself.

I wish you all the best op x

Sayhellotothethings · 09/09/2019 17:51

Is there any way he could find out OP? I'm just thinking about you and the baby remaining safe. No mutual friends, no way of him accessing your social media himself or through others?

Evilspiritgin · 09/09/2019 17:51

I might be the only one but I wouldn’t tell him if you decided to keep the baby

eladen · 09/09/2019 17:52

Sorry, but your friend is an idiot. What a horrific thing to say to you.

The damage an abusive "father" would cause a child is catastrophic and lifelong. Inviting that in unnecessarily would be irresponsible and neglectful.

You're doing what you need to do to protect the child from a dangerous person. His DNA is irrelevant.

Original poster
VScaredAndConfused · 09/09/2019 17:55

The financials and practicalities would probably be down to me anyway even if I told him. He doesn’t have much, regularly in and out of work and Is too far away to do anything. If I involved him I know I’d probably not see maintenance and bare the brunt of taking the baby up to see him. He’s too far away to be hands on even if he would want to. I do ok financially, have my own (small) home and a big support network.
We were dating for about 10 months and he never really met any of my friends or family so I doubt anyone would spill the beans. I don’t know any of his mates either.

I’m upset to be pregnant but I am completely opposed to termination (for me personally, I’m pro choice politically) I just can’t get my head around doing that and don’t want to. I know some women have and do but I just couldn’t. I do see what you’re saying about me always having a “link” to him and that’s not a nice thought but I want to proceed with the pregnancy the only issue is whether to tell him or not.
Taking all comments on board thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Marlena1 · 09/09/2019 17:55

If it wasn't for the DV I would agree with your friend. I'm sure when your child is old enough they can seek them out and start a relationship. If you are worried about the safety of your child and you think this is the best way then you get to decide that.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/09/2019 17:57

I wouldn't tell him, in these circumstances. I'd be open with the child from a very early age about them having a dad with other children so that they accept it as their normal and it's not a big bombshell down the road, but I don't think it'd be any better for your kid to have an emotionally abusive dad than no dad at all.

That said, have you considered what you'll do when he finds out that you are pregnant? Will you deny that it's his? Is he the type that would want a DNA test?

dollydaydream114 · 09/09/2019 17:58

he’s said if I do this then I have to accept that I could be emotionally harming my child if I don’t tell the father

From what you’ve said, I think it would be much more emotionally harming for your child to have contact with a man who is physically and sexually violent and extremely unstable.

If you were having a baby and you found out the father had beaten up and sexually assaulted a woman in the street, you would rightly not want your child near him. It is therefore perfectly OK not to want your child near a man who has beaten up and sexually assaulted you.

So no, I wouldn’t tell him.

Original poster
VScaredAndConfused · 09/09/2019 18:02

I don’t have him on fb anymore but I rarely post anyways so would probably give it a bit of time (2-3 years?) before posting anything child related and then keep it on friends only; we have/had no mutuals anyway (he is blocked now).

OP posts:
flirtygirl · 09/09/2019 18:04

Nothing on earth would make me tell him.

Flowers op I understand why you would not terminate. You need to look after yourself and baby now.

An absent father is better than a abusive one or one that comes and goes as he likes.

Just tell your child at age appropriate points the truth and they can go looking if they want in mid or late teens. Never lie to your child.

Original poster
VScaredAndConfused · 09/09/2019 18:05

If he found out I absolutely think he’d demand a DNA test which is why my aim (if I proceed this way) would be to avoid him finding out all together.

OP posts:
Original poster
VScaredAndConfused · 09/09/2019 18:11

If anyone thinks I’m being U as per the poll could you post why? Not looking for a fight but interested in hearing all views.

I really appreciate everything thank you Flowers I feel a lot happier about my options now and wouldn’t feel right lying to my child, but I’d definitely try to shield them a bit until they were in their teens.

OP posts:
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