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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would I be U not to tell the father I’m expecting? May trigger, DV

95 replies

VScaredAndConfused · 09/09/2019 17:39

Hi, today I’ve discovered I’m pregnant. Two weeks after breaking off a long distance (4hr distance) relationship.

The father is mentally unstable, has multiple personalities and has harmed me physically more than once. Punched me in the face and sexually assaulted me. I didn’t call the police but broke things off. This morning I got a positive test...

More on the father.... He has 3 other children by other mothers (2) and I understand that social services has been involved and one of the mothers had her child removed and placed with family under a fostering arrangement. Contact with all 3 children is supervised but I don’t know specifics and haven’t ever met the children or their mothers.

If I keep this baby I can see it opening a whole can of worms if I have him involved as well as the difficulty of travelling four hours regularly so he can have contact - he’s constantly job hopping so probably wouldn’t afford the cost of this regularly. I think in the short term it would really harm everybody, the 3 half siblings and my child, to have another sibling in this circumstance and I’m very scared of my ex as well.

But on the other hand I spoke to one of my friends about it and he’s said if I do this then I have to accept that I could be emotionally harming my child if I don’t tell the father especially as my child will have at least 3 half siblings and I’d have robbed them the chance to know their brother and sisters.

I’m really messed up over this and could do with advice.
Thank you.
Ps I Nc but I’m a regular ish poster.

OP posts:

marvellousnightforamooncup · 09/09/2019 19:47

Don't bring an abusive man into your child's life. You'll be trying to rid yourself of him forever.

FeelUselesss · 09/09/2019 20:04

I don't think I could continue a pregnancy and have a child whom I'd have to keep completely secret and live a life in fear of the man finding out and then having a possibly horrendous legal battle with. I'd also be thinking of the child in question, if for some reason the man did find out, putting your child in his care - is that something you could do willingly?
It's a tough one OP, although I wish you the best in whatever decision you make

Kinkybutkind · 09/09/2019 20:06

I don’t regret having my (now grown) child, who has not ever known their father but my god it is still terrifying over 25 years on - knowing he is out there. I should be equipped by now to deal with him should he ever slither back into my life but just the thought sends me right back into those abuse filled dark days and I can’t honestly say what I would do. My child knows a sanitised version (age appropriate as they were growing up) of what their father did and was (maybe still is) and they too have had to live with the knowledge that he might one day turn up. Living in fear, always looking over your shoulder in case you’re being watched and never being able to share the truth about your child’s parentage, with anyone, at all, ever, just to keep them and yourself safe - actively lying when you have to, so the secret isn’t revealed - is no way to live. Believe me. Take some time to consider the implications, not just in the next 5 years, but ten, fifteen, twenty years time. It’s a heavy and frightening burden to carry alone and I wish you all the very best, whatever you decide.

MotherFuckingLanguages · 09/09/2019 20:07

Abort it, it’s the right thing to do for both mother and child

Grimbles · 09/09/2019 20:20

I wouldn't tell him either. Definately talk to your mw about it though, they will be able to help.

As your child grows up you can tell them the situation (in an age appropriate way). Plenty of kids grow up in similar situations without being 'damaged'

Original poster

VScaredAndConfused · 09/09/2019 20:21

Please stop telling me to have an abortion, I didn’t post “should I have an abortion” and have already made my stance very very clear on that. I understand others may abort and that’s fine no judgement here but I won’t. I can’t. It’s not on the table and won’t ever be. I understand the situation is messy and will require a lot of careful navigation, I get it. I truly do. I just can’t do that, no matter the cost.
And I thank those who’ve shared personal experience however painful.

Dissociative identity disorder isn’t hereditary, it’s caused by severe childhood trauma. But I understand he may also have MH issues such as depression. I’m unsure if that’s hereditary.

OP posts:

Haffdonga · 09/09/2019 20:30

To be fair to people who suggest abortion, you did say if I keep this baby in your first post

Mixingitall · 09/09/2019 20:32

I wouldn’t tell him, I wouldn’t tell anyone who the father is, I wouldn’t give the midwives any background (they can be nosy- just state he isn’t around) I also wouldn’t list a father on the birth certificate. I would want to have sole parental consent.

If he’s 4 hours away and has no reason to visit your area I would also change phone numbers, and come off social media.

Does he know where you live, or was it always you travelling to him?

makingmammaries · 09/09/2019 20:38

Do not tell him. If you have a way to contact the mothers of his other children, you could do that in time so that your child can meet the siblings.

MildThing · 09/09/2019 20:39

No way would I inform him.

I simply do not believe that impregnating a woman gives a man the right to know anything at all about what is going on inside her own body.

The implications of giving a man ‘rights’ to know about a woman’s body are chilling. Our bodies are not vessels for others to make decisions over.

Also he has made it impossible for you to have a relationship with him through violence and abuse. So....

Telling your child as they grow up is another matter. The child has a right to know. You can explain as appropriate. They can choose to make contact, later. And come to their own decision. But I would seek advice in that: kids get very romantic ideas about the absent Daddy.

MildThing · 09/09/2019 20:43

OP, I also seized on the “If I keep this baby..”

Raspberrytruffle · 09/09/2019 20:43

Ignore anything your freinds say trying to guilt you in to telling the child the truth. Personally as an outsider I'd consider a termination as all I can see is heartache, if you are determined to keep the baby firstly congratulations! Secondly if you invite the father in to your life even just as a father than you will also have social services on your back constantly so be prepared for that, secondly please dont get upset but consider inheriting mental health problems for the child. I'd completely cut him off have nothing to do with him, if any one asked I'd say it was a one night stand incase you get a righteous freind that blabs to the father. Best of luck

PumpkinP · 09/09/2019 20:44

I wouldn’t keep it but since you want to then no I wouldn’t tell him, I also disagree with pp and I wouldn’t contact the other mothers as it would likely get back to him. Probably an unpopular opinion but I think just because they share fathers doesn’t mean they have to be in each other’s lives.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2019 20:44

I wouldn't want to burden my child with such a waste of space as a father tbh.

I'd feel based on his history as a dad and his abuse I should have known better, so if I was going to have the baby..then no, I wouldn't tell him.

Especially as you're scared of him. The half siblings would not sway me... I'd just like to know who they are to ensure nt child doesn't have a relationship with them in the future.

I see no point in subjecting my child to supervised contact and I can't see what positive points he would add to your child's life.

PumpkinP · 09/09/2019 20:45

Oh and also I wouldn’t tell them mws there really is no reason for them to know. I would just say he is absent. So they don’t inform ss.

squeakybike · 09/09/2019 20:47

Jesus Christ... really?

LaurieMarlow · 09/09/2019 20:50

I wouldn’t tell him. And I would have zero regrets about that.

Good luck!

formerbabe · 09/09/2019 20:51

In your position, I think terminating is the most sensible thing to do.

If you do keep it, I would not tell him and definitely DO NOT put him on the birth certificate.

Divorce678 · 09/09/2019 20:55

I’m sorry you’re in this position but I think it is quite unethical to bring a child into this situation.

Span1elsRock · 09/09/2019 20:56

Chances are that he will find out.

Then you will screwed. He will insist on access, you will be exposing your child to god only knows what, and he will be in your life for the rest of time.

I'm sorry but I think you're thinking of yourself here and not the child that will have to endure this man as a father.

Suplexqueen · 09/09/2019 21:01

I don't know who my dad is. Never seen a picture don't know his name not too sure of the circumstances but I had a step father who adopted me. Being told was a bit of a shock. Thought my step dad was my real dad. I had a difficult childhood due to bullying and other problems I think an unstable father would have made it worse. I would bury the secret completely and say it was a one night stand. I would not let them think someone else was their dad. That was the only sad bit. You know what's best and would not discuss it with anyone in real life that you didn't trust implicitly people can be funny about it especially grans and well meaning relatives. Good luck :)

notangelinajolie · 09/09/2019 21:06

If you tell him you will spend the rest of your child's childhood and longer trying to escape him. If you keep the baby I think you should not tell the father.
In all honesty, if it were me I would not continue with the pregnancy.

BeverlyGoldbergsHairAndJumpers · 09/09/2019 21:07

23 and me and other DNA testing sites are a massive issue now in situations like this. 50 years ago you could have said nothing or very little about his dad. Now it’s easy to find out everything - in another ten or fifteen years it will probably be even easier and cheaper to search DNA and that’s probably the time when your future baby will have the most questions.

BarbedBloom · 09/09/2019 21:12

You have had some great advice already. The only thing that occurred to me was the whole ancestry DNA thing that is fashionable at the moment. When your child is older and you tell him or her you don't know who their dad is they may do something like this.

A friend just did this for that reason and has found half siblings on there. Just have a plan of what happens if it comes out

BatmanLovesTheCircus · 09/09/2019 21:26

I wouldn’t tell him. And I wouldn’t feel remotely guilty for it.

He is violent, abusive and dangerous. You absolutely do not want this around your child.

It is not cruel to protect your child from an abusive person - it would be cruel to bring an abusive person into their life.

Your friend is probably coming at it from a “how would I feel if this were my baby” angle. But if he’s a decent person and not a violent, unstable thug, the situation would not be the same at all.

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