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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would I be U not to tell the father I’m expecting? May trigger, DV

95 replies

VScaredAndConfused · 09/09/2019 17:39

Hi, today I’ve discovered I’m pregnant. Two weeks after breaking off a long distance (4hr distance) relationship.

The father is mentally unstable, has multiple personalities and has harmed me physically more than once. Punched me in the face and sexually assaulted me. I didn’t call the police but broke things off. This morning I got a positive test...

More on the father.... He has 3 other children by other mothers (2) and I understand that social services has been involved and one of the mothers had her child removed and placed with family under a fostering arrangement. Contact with all 3 children is supervised but I don’t know specifics and haven’t ever met the children or their mothers.

If I keep this baby I can see it opening a whole can of worms if I have him involved as well as the difficulty of travelling four hours regularly so he can have contact - he’s constantly job hopping so probably wouldn’t afford the cost of this regularly. I think in the short term it would really harm everybody, the 3 half siblings and my child, to have another sibling in this circumstance and I’m very scared of my ex as well.

But on the other hand I spoke to one of my friends about it and he’s said if I do this then I have to accept that I could be emotionally harming my child if I don’t tell the father especially as my child will have at least 3 half siblings and I’d have robbed them the chance to know their brother and sisters.

I’m really messed up over this and could do with advice.
Thank you.
Ps I Nc but I’m a regular ish poster.

OP posts:

StillMe1 · 09/09/2019 18:12

I would advise you to discuss with the Midwife the fact that the father has mental health problems and how likely they are to be passed on to your child. You should also have it noted on your file that there is a strict confidentiality involved here with a safeguarding issue.
Whether you like the idea or not I really think you can not rule out a termination until you have as many opinions as you can get. Life is very difficult as you know when you have to deal with mental health issues. It is wearing. You have to look at the worst case scenario and decide if you could cope on your own worst days.
A very difficult situation. Hope you make the right choice in your own best interests.

SunshineCake · 09/09/2019 18:25

Due to my upbringing I fully expected to say you were being unreasonable but having read what you said about him I would never tell anyone who the father is. Things like this have a habit of getting out.

Terminate or
Tell no one at all who the father is and have the baby

No other option I feel.

pikapikachu · 09/09/2019 18:26

I understand why you'd want to keep it secret but your child is likely to ask about their Dad and will want his name as well as his parents and other children.

Are you on social media? What would you do if your child contacted him on social media? Basically I'm saying that he is going to be a lot angrier finding out the truth in 10 years time and could be granted contact etc Could you cope with the worry?

Rachelle11 · 09/09/2019 18:29

I voted YABU but I don't really think it's black and white. His rights don't concern me, but your child's do. And I believe we all have a right to know where we came from. I did not grow up with this knowledge, and both my siblings have no clue who their father's are. It's not easy. Emotions aside, the biological factors are important too. My understanding is multiple personalities also has a genetic component. I could be wrong on that. It would be worth asking about though. Also any other genetic issues that your child won't know. I did not know about a medical condition that affects almost all female members of my dad's side until I was older. It's a life and death condition unfortunately but now I am monitored for it. It's unfortunately something that can be treated, but if you don't know it's there it just kills you. So, I'm undecided. I don't really think YABU, I just think your child has a right to know. Also I agree growing up apart from siblings is hard. I met mine later in life. You child will have a right to know them. I'm not really sure how you can do that if you never tell him. I don't really have any answers or suggestions... Just my own thoughts as the child in this situation.

Rachelle11 · 09/09/2019 18:31

fortunately can be treated

Septembersunrays · 09/09/2019 18:33

I'm sorry, I would be thinking of aborting too.

Howlovely · 09/09/2019 18:35

I think you should see not involving him in your child's life as protecting your child. He is an abusive, unpredictable and thoroughly unpleasant man who you don't know inside out after a relatively short relationship. I can't see who will benefit from him seeing the child to be honest. If you had an older child with him you presumably would still have left him, taking you child with you for both your safety, and so this new baby needs protecting from him.
When the time comes that your child may ask about their dad just be honest, as appropriately as their age allows - daddy was unwell and couldn't look after us, daddy did some naughty things and so we don't speak to him, etc. Congratulations and the best of luck going forward.

Ronnie27 · 09/09/2019 18:40

If you tell him then your life will be very, very hard. Child contact nightmares, social services involvement and you will have an abusive man in your life for a very long time. It doesn’t sound like a picnic for the child either way.

pumkinspicetime · 09/09/2019 18:41

At some point your dc will have a right to know who their father is and with dna tests it is much easier to trace family than it used to be.
I don't think you can plan to never tell a dc who their father is.
But that doesn't mean that you have to have an abusive man in your life.
It is worth thinking about the impact of genetics on your dc in terms of illnesses.
My choice in this situation would be not to proceed with the pregnancy but as you are clear you wish to I might seek some therapeutic support for yourself.

cheriseb · 09/09/2019 18:41

If he has been banned from contacting his other children chances are social services wont allow him contact with your baby especially as there is a history of violence
Your best bet would be to tell your midwife everything so that she can sort contact them. I know it's not ideal to have them involved though

Lucifer666 · 09/09/2019 18:46

Op after reading about the DV if it was me I would take the risk and not tell him about the baby. If I was you I'd speak to your midwife about it so its on file just in case he does find out and tries to cause trouble. As for the future yeah your child may want contact and be a bit angry that you never told the father but they'll get over it once your reasons become clear because leopards do not change their spots he will still be the same abusive twat in 10 or 15 years I'm sure. As for your friend well that was a shitty comment, take my word for it OP as someone who grew up witnessing DV on a regular basis the DV did more damage to me than not having my father in my life ever did. In the end a court order had to be taken out because it was so bad. Good luck with whatever you decide OP

minmooch · 09/09/2019 18:46

If it were me I would terminate. It might go against everything u had previously thought but no way in the world would I bring a child in to this toxic mess. No child would want to know their father is abusive on many levels.

No child be out at risk and the child will be out at risk at some point.

You should not put yourself at risk of him finding out somehow. The truth always gets out eventually.

He's shown the sort of father he will be. He's shown the sort of partner he is.

It would go against everything I believed in but in these circumstances I would terminate. You will live your life forever frightened that he will find out.

Samosaurus · 09/09/2019 18:49

This is a very tough situation OP. If you decide to ahead with the pregnancy then you can literally tell no-one not even your mother who the father is - as secrets often have a way of coming out even if it is years later.
I understand your views on abortion, but this man sounds very dangerous and if he ever did find out you would never be free on him. Are his mental health issues likely to be hereditary? I’m not saying this to advocate terminating a baby solely because of potential mental illnesses. But it is something to think of as you would be a single parent dealing with everything on your own. Sending you best wishes for whatever you decide.

Wonkydonkey44 · 09/09/2019 18:52

Please don’t tell him . Nothing good will come of it , he isn’t a good father to the children he already has .
All that will happen is he will bring drama to the life of a child who didn’t ask for any of this .

Nat6999 · 09/09/2019 18:54

If you are sure you want your baby, I wouldn't tell him anything but I wouldn't mention anything to the midwife about the domestic violence. Mainly because you will get tied up with social services & they are very hard to get rid of, you are well away from him, you have ended the relationship & you are well supported & safe. Just lock all your social media down & block any contact numbers for him. When your child gets older & asks about their father, I would just tell them it was a short relationship that didnt work out, it was over before you found out you were pregnant & you don't know where he is, maybe by then you will be in a relationship with someone who will be a good father & who will be the only father they will ever know. Good luck with your baby.

Baguetteaboutit · 09/09/2019 18:54

I haven't voted. There's no way I could continue this pregnancy.

pandamoniumm · 09/09/2019 18:58

I would terminate but I see you won’t do that. I have had a termination and also been with an abusive man that I actually only woke up about when I got pregnant.
Really I will say bringing a dc into a messy situation really isn’t a good idea unless you have an incredible support network. I cancelled my termination twice but now I am in a good relationship with a dc I realise what a disaster that would have ended up as and am very content with how things happened.

And no I wouldn’t say anything tbh. Maybe let him know after you’ve moved far away and settled after having baby if that’s how things work out.
All the best OP

Bhappy12 · 09/09/2019 19:02

I grew up knowing I had a half-sibling (my biological father went on to have another child after he and my mum separated), I am in no way emotionally damaged by having no relationship with either my half-sibling or my biological father, so I think it's very unfair of your friend to say that to you.

If the best thing for your child is to have no relationship with their biological father (and given the violence, it sounds like that might be the case) then it might be best to have the baby and not tell him, or to tell him but keep contact as minimal as possible to safeguard your child (which shouldn't be too hard given the limited contact he has with his other children) - but be honest with your child from the beginning. I was always told in an age-appropriate way that my biological father wasn't a very nice man and that's why we had no contact, but that if I wanted to meet him I could (I never did and he died a few years ago now anyway). I think that was important for me to know, personally - no big revelations and no drama, but the knowledge that the choice to meet him was mine, should I want to.

Holoqueen · 09/09/2019 19:05

I wouldn’t tell but I would prepare. So I would be sharing the DV and sexual assault with health professionals. A: so you get the help and support you may need. As the pregnancy progresses you may find you are triggered more. B: so it’s all documented. If he did find out and did try and take you to court and there was nothing about the history you will find it hard to have that brought into the situation 5 years down the line. It’s never just the immediate danger in these situations, you have to think long term and how you will protect your child. You also need to be honest with child so they can make the choice when they are older. Good luck op and your being very strong

Cherrysoup · 09/09/2019 19:18

As per a pp, I’d check re feasibility of mh issues being passed on.

Crystal1975 · 09/09/2019 19:26

Don’t tell him, u don’t want that stress in your life for years and years
As for worrying about what to say to your child - I’ve never met my dad and it’s not made any difference to my life whatsoever 😁

AnotherEmma · 09/09/2019 19:34

You have 2 options:

Report the abuse to the police and your GP or midwife. Do not tell him about the pregnancy. Be prepared to raise a baby alone and in relative secrecy without any child maintenance or involvement from the father. Live with the fear that he will find out and take legal action to get parental responsibility and contact with the child. If he does find out, you will face a huge amount of stress and probably a legal battle. If you're willing to take that risk, crack on.

Terminate the pregnancy.

I know which option I would choose!

(Either way I think you should get some counselling ASAP if you're not already getting it.)

criticaldarling · 09/09/2019 19:38

Keep it to yourself, ensure you're safe from him and look after yourself and your baby.

I grew up with an abusive father who had access to me as my mum wanted to do 'the right thing'. He sounds evil and incapable of being a father, I don't think any good would come from telling or involving him.

criticaldarling · 09/09/2019 19:41

To all the PP talking about mental health problems being 'passed on'.

Sparrowlegs248 · 09/09/2019 19:42

I wouldnt tell him. You'd be setting yourself and your child up for a lifetime of hassle from this horrible man. Don't tell him, and honestly, I wouldn't tell your child about him or the siblings in future.

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