Would I be U not to tell the father I’m expecting? May trigger, DV

[VScaredAndConfused]

Hi, today I’ve discovered I’m pregnant. Two weeks after breaking off a long distance (4hr distance) relationship.

The father is mentally unstable, has multiple personalities and has harmed me physically more than once. Punched me in the face and sexually assaulted me. I didn’t call the police but broke things off. This morning I got a positive test...

More on the father.... He has 3 other children by other mothers (2) and I understand that social services has been involved and one of the mothers had her child removed and placed with family under a fostering arrangement. Contact with all 3 children is supervised but I don’t know specifics and haven’t ever met the children or their mothers.

If I keep this baby I can see it opening a whole can of worms if I have him involved as well as the difficulty of travelling four hours regularly so he can have contact - he’s constantly job hopping so probably wouldn’t afford the cost of this regularly. I think in the short term it would really harm everybody, the 3 half siblings and my child, to have another sibling in this circumstance and I’m very scared of my ex as well.

But on the other hand I spoke to one of my friends about it and he’s said if I do this then I have to accept that I could be emotionally harming my child if I don’t tell the father especially as my child will have at least 3 half siblings and I’d have robbed them the chance to know their brother and sisters.

I’m really messed up over this and could do with advice.
Thank you.
Ps I Nc but I’m a regular ish poster.

I know what I would do, but as that is not an option instead I would offer the thought of him seeing you at an event or on a day trip to the seaside or whatever (I know he’s miles away but he could be in your area delivering carpets or some random thing he’s now got a new job at) and he sees you in your local Tesco.
You’re obviously pregnant by then. His first thought is going to be ‘is it mine’ and then he will probably be a violent and dangerous pig until you admit it and you will end up with the police involved.
I honestly think he will find out. One way or another. Although I don’t think you should tell him now.

Could it be that your mum or a friend randomly seeing him on a day trip and saying “I’m glad she’s not with you any longer and her and the baby are better off without you” Then he’ll know you have a baby and start working out dates...

And then you will suffer. Especially if he feels you withheld the child from him. Then you may be in real danger.

Don’t underestimate him. He clearly wants to see his other kids. Why would he not want that with yours.

I don’t know what the deal is with money from the social if you refuse to name the father. You may get nowt ever.

Your other option would be to give the baby up, but as you clearly don’t want to abort I doubt you will want to give the baby up for adoption. I know nothing about that subject.

Perhaps you should get some counselling ASAP to help you decide on how to proceed with what to do. Take your folic acid and do everything you can to look after yourself and baby.

I wish you well

I wouldn't tell him in a million years. I'd also not be telling anyone else. You'll get plenty of people like your idiot friend telling you that he needs to know. He really doesn't and he doesn't deserve to. Does your friend really expect that the baby will grow up with happy weekends visiting its half siblings, with daddy bringing them all out for a fun day together? As if! You don't need to invite this abusive prick back into your life. Keep the pregnancy quiet for now and maybe later you can pretend you had a one night stand - once you've had a scan and figured out exactly how many weeks you are and change the dates by a couple of weeks. You don't want a scenario where someone else figures out he's the father and takes it upon themselves to tell him.

Tell no one in his circle you are expecting. Leave his name off the birth certificate. If anyone linked to him finds out in the future and suspects, say the baby was conceived with someone else after you broke up. Hope the baby looks like you.

"I don’t know what the deal is with money from the social if you refuse to name the father. You may get nowt ever."

What's "money from the social"? Benefits? Any parent (including a single mother with no contact with the father) can claim benefits if they are eligible.

She won't get child maintenance, obviously, but that's different.

That friend is both a fucking moron and also a grenade. I wouldn't trust him to keep his trap shut - sounds more concerned about some bloke's "right to know" than the physical safety and wellbeing of his own actual friend. He's not a friend, he's now a liability to your safety.

If you wish to keep this pregnancy, I would advise you immediately cut contact with friend and move far, far away in the hope that the father never finds out you conceived and that he can never track you down.

I'd be concerned about said friend too. He knows the truth and disagrees with you not telling the father, whose to say he won't put his oar in and try to contact him.

Your ex is abusive, he's already hurt you. You need to report for your own sake and to keep him far from you plus tell your midwife. You have to consider worst case scenarios, he could come after you to hurt you again or could try to get access to your child. You need help and support to try to mitigate that risk.

I absolutely wouldn't tell the father. An absent father is far better than an abusive one. Delete social media etc

In terms of this friend, is he likely to tell your exP? Could you tell him you contacted exP and he wasn't interested in the baby? You don't owe him an explanation but it might come up. I agree with pp that he's a threat to your safety. Be careful

Nope don’t tell him.
A nasty abusive father is worse than none.
Raise your child with age appropriate knowledge of why there is no dad in their life and the child will be fine. No big reveals or dark secrets. Just open communication all their life.

I had to tell my eldest father as we worked together but given the choice I wish I went with my gut instinct and moved back home telling him I aborted the baby like he told me too. Yes I would have raised ds with no I put from him not even financially but would have saved ds the hurt of a father who treated him like a toy he could pick up when it suited. My life would be easier without him in it. Your dc will never have to know the truth unless you decide to tell them in which case that would be on your terms when you feel ready. A relationship with the siblings would be unlikely now anyway based on the circumstances so I would contact the mothers in years to come if you wanted to establish a bond.

I would keep the baby but not tell him also keep your child off of social media! Just in case. And be careful if you have any mutual acquaintances.

I was in an abusive relationship years ago and I thank my lucky stars I never got pregnant to him. I feel similarly to you re abortion but I think I’d have been left with no choice if I’d fallen pregnant to him.

A child will be a tie to him for the rest of your life. You can go ahead and not tell him of course but I fear it will bite you when your child grows up and starts asking questions. Unless you pretend not to know who the Father is and take that to your grave (some women do) then your child may want to track him down one day. That will be the can of worms right there, he will suddenly be in your life again raking up bad memories 16/17/18 years down the line.

I couldn’t go through with it, I’d have to abort. It’s just the thought of the baby looking like him too. I’m projecting based on my own experiences of course but I couldn’t personally do this.

It would be very easy to leave him out of the picture if that baby wasn’t going to grow up and probably be curious. It’s a lose, lose situation- the child resents you for not telling, so you have to tell them their dad was awful, which also upsets them..

I know you don’t want to abort, but you’ve picked the bottom of the gene pool for the father and set you and your child up for a tough future. Not good all in all.

Given what you've said, no I wouldn't tell him. But what I would do, if I could, would be to move, preferably to a new town. Four hours away isn't far enough to guarantee he won't decide to try to 'reconnect' and show up on your doorstep.

If you can afford to raise this child without financial assistance from him, go for it.

I wouldn't tell him

Be aware OP that if he discovers you've had a baby and as you mentioned "would want DNA testing" he can apply to have this done through court to assert his paternal rights.
Even if you don't want this to happen.
Not saying it'd be granted, but legally he has the right to do so.

I agree with everything flirtygirl has said. Don’t ever involve him in your life again and focus on yourself, your baby and your new life away from violence and fear.

@VScaredAndConfused have you made any decisions?

No way would I be telling him. He sounds abusive and toxic, no child needs that in their life.

Ultimately he has SHOWN you he is not capable to parent, not capable of treating you with respect, and is very capable of physical and sexual assault. I would rather help my child through a difficult time when they are older as they ask questions etc, than put them and myself in harms way. Dont tell him, continue your pregnancy as a single parent and write him off. The safety and mental stability of you and your child is the most important thing here. Good luck!

I don't know my dad asked he knows nothing about me, and my mother tells me he was nice she was just selfish at the time. I'm not damaged in any way and got to spend my time with my step dad and my siblings without the stress or worry of ferrying around anywhere. Curiosity is the main feeling I have about it so I wouldn't worry about that too much.