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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off, or is he a CF?

110 replies

Roxette · 09/09/2019 15:44

Partner and I have been together for about 18 months, and we've just moved in together (I bought the house, we live in it together with my 2 kids, and his dog).

He works away a lot, and I have responsibility for the dog whilst he is away. I work 3 days a week, so we have a dog sitter who comes and collects the dog on those days and looks after her until I'm home. He pays for this, and it works fine. On the 2 days I don't work, I look after the dog.

At the moment, he is working away for 5 weeks. Mostly back on weekends, but not this weekend. This weekend, I'm also working on Saturday morning. I'm out of the house too long to leave the dog by herself. We talked about it this morning, and he suggested that we either get the dog sitter to have her (which is a reasonable suggestion, and I'll do that to check her availability), or "perhaps on one of your days off this week you could meet one of the people from borrow my doggy and see if they would be suitable to have her, then you can drop the dog with them on Saturday morning before work".

AIBU to be pissed off with this? The dog is lovely, but the amount of responsibility is like having another child! I feel completely dumped on to sort her out when she isn't even mine. However, I do feel guilty moaning about it because I've got 2 kids who he helps out with when they are around, although I don't expect him to look after them for days at a time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 10/09/2019 13:07

The issue is that it’s his dog, and he’s not around 80% of the time. That is unfair on the dog. It’s not the actions of a responsible pet owner.
The dog walker and you are irrelevant, you’re not the dogs owner.

(In that you wouldn’t pay its insurance or vet bills and you made no decision in its place in your life).

VeThings · 10/09/2019 13:10

I don’t think it’s acceptable that you cut short days out with your DC over the summer to look after his dog. His lifestyle isn’t at all good for a pet - he needs to have a think about how’s to manage this.

What do people who work FT manage dog care? Does he need someone to come and collect the dog, spend time with it and then drop back to your house? He needs this in place for each day he is away, rather than rely on you to pick to the slack.

janetheimpaler · 10/09/2019 13:28

Do you pay a morgage? How much is he saving on rent by living rent-free with you?

Original poster
Roxette · 10/09/2019 14:30

No, I'm fortunate enough to own my house outright. He probably loses out by living with us - he owns his own house that he pays a mortgage on, but rents it out as much as possible. I'm not sure the rental coming in covers all bills/mortgage though. So he's not making money by living with me, as he's paying 2 sets of bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roxette · 10/09/2019 14:30

What do people who work FT manage dog care?

I'd be interested to know the answer to this too.

OP posts:
Derbee · 10/09/2019 14:37

Doggy day care is £25/day near us. A lot of people do that

Original poster
Roxette · 10/09/2019 14:44

That's what we do at the moment. The dog sitter has her all day on the days I work. Thankfully it's a lot cheaper than £25/day!

OP posts:
rookiemere · 10/09/2019 14:57

Yes he is sounding more and more like a CFer in relation to the dog.

Has this idea that he is a nice kind dog owner - not fair to leave poor Buster alone for more than 4 hrs - but expects everyone else - dog walkers, girlfriends, random people from borrowmydoggy that he's not even met - to fulfill these requirements.

It is simply not fair that you are curtailing days out with your DCs and work opportunities so you can look after his dog. Even worse that you're being expected to live up to arbitrary standards- you wouldn't want to leave a dog on its own for more than 4 hrs on a regular basis, but for the occasional time it's fine providing its been walked beforehand.

You need to have a serious discussion with him about the dog. Either he arranges more care or ge figures out other arrangements. Looking after DCs for the odd hour or ferrying them somewhere is not the same as being expected to look after his dog full time.

Jellybeansincognito · 10/09/2019 16:22

There’s a massive difference between working FT and getting a dog walker etc whilst being at work, and a man who has a dog and works away Monday to Friday. It literally is a weekend pet, and that’s wrong.

rookiemere · 10/09/2019 16:35

Jellybeans he's not even a weekend owner though as not planning to come home at the weekend.
OP when you're speaking to the dog walker it may be worth asking if she does overnight care as well, just so you know if that's an option.

Just tell your DP straight that he needs to arrange his own dog care if dog walker not available on Saturday and that you do not want to get involved in any dog care arrangements for his dog. I would imagine dog would be more stressed by being taken out by randomers for the day than it would being home alone an hour or so more than it's allotted curfew.

I feel for you as we have a ddog that DH was desperate to get and now is less bothered about once he realised how much it curtails you. I actually joined borrowmydoggy and now a lovely couple take ddog for the occasional weekend - but you need to build up to it, also they're not free dog walkers so you can't pick and choose so much when they take the dog.

Original poster
Roxette · 10/09/2019 20:11

You need to have a serious discussion with him about the dog

Agreed.

DP would use the walkmydoggy a bit like a free dog walker I think and would do it when it suits him. Although at the moment he is hardly ever around, so organising that would fall to me as well!

It’s also fucking lonely with him away and me being stuck with the dog. Can’t even go and disappear somewhere for the day/night as I’d have to take her and I can’t take her to my family.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 10/09/2019 20:24

Roxette if you're in Scotland we can meet up and both bring our millstones but not really our dogs along Wink.

Seriously check if the dog walker does home boarding, if so check in dog for every other weekend and make sure your DP pays for it. Ddog will be happy being looked after by people it knowa, and you'll get a chance to visit friends and relatives.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2019 21:07

"Although at the moment he is hardly ever around, so organising that would fall to me as well!"
YOU ARE NOT HIS FUCKING P.A.!!

"We overlapped, but that's a whole other story..."
I'd call it indicative of his modus operandi. Sense something is coming to an end, set up a replacement doggy day care ...

Seriously Roxette, I am liking the sound of this guy less and less. H's a user.

Butterymuffin · 10/09/2019 21:13

he doesn't like her to be alone for more than 4 hours at a time

And yet he doesn't seem to think he should ever be the one scurrying back within his own four hour limit. Far from it.

MsVestibule · 10/09/2019 21:51

Before getting a dog I, very naively, had absolutely no idea how much our lives would revolve around him. It affects every aspect of our lives. And I chose to get a dog! If it had been forced upon me as it has you, I would be beyond resentful.

Apart from your BF moving out, I can only think of two solutions:

  1. He rehomes the dog, preferably using a breed specific rescue. A young house trained dog shouldn't be very difficult to rehome.
  2. He works out day by day, a week in advance, including weekends, who will be looking after his dog. He asks you which days you can look after it and you feel no obligation at all. You have no input into organising anything. Obviously he will try to make you feel guilty about this but it might make him appreciate the logistics and responsibility of being a dog owner.

Seriously, he's put you in a really bad position and it's up to him to resolve this problem, not you.

swissmilk · 11/09/2019 00:30

I'm still stuck on the vision of the kind of man who gets a dog on a whim....when he's not working....but presumably he knew/hoped that situation was temporary?
He then cheated on his girlfriend and moved the dog into your home while he swans around.
You need a have an adult conversation with him about the longer term plans re the dog.
I have a dog, and she goes to a mixture of kennels (although no longer), dog day care, friends and the occasional borrow my doggie.
She is my responsibility, today I got home from working 9 hours (she was home alone but my lodger was there in the morning working from home), wolfed my dinner down, walked the dog for an hour, then I went to the gym for 1 hour and then straight out for drinks with my friends, got home now.
I can only do this because I know my lodger is in to keep her company and I've built up to leaving my dog alone for periods of time (the rest of the week we are together 24 hrs a day almost as I take her to work, or with my sister and her dog who live down the road).
A dog needs to have an owner and some stability, they shouldn't be passed around too much in my opinion, they generally like their home and their routine.
Your CF bf needs to set up some decent consistent, reliable dog care (for you, for the dog, and for himself if he wants to keep the dog) and stop using you as his live-in drudge. I cant imagine being chained to my own house looking after someone else's dog permanently, let alone if I had kids I wanted to take places and do things with.
Why can't he take the dog with him when he works away? I do, she goes the hotel with me and then I book her into local daycare during the working day, i walk her before and after work.

FinallyHere · 11/09/2019 07:20

we overlapped by 3 months

OK, sorry if this sounds like a derail, but this is a no from me. He sounds very selfish and is testing your boundaries.

Arranging a dog sitter is one thing, expecting you to step up and check suitability of other arrangements is a much bigger ask. I don't have a dog and would not agree to vet someone in this way. How would I know?

What if I thought they would be ok and something went wrong ?

He doesn't deserve a dog if he needs to rely so much on friends and family.

He doesn't deserve you if it took him three months to choose you.

Sorry, it's a no from me.

Singlespies · 11/09/2019 07:32

He sort of sounds like my ex. Who got a cat after we separated and then expected me to look after the cat when he went away. The cat abandoned him. He now has another cat. Still goes away a lot and expects others to look after it. Not on!

It's not just about liking animals, it's about being responsible for them.

rookiemere · 11/09/2019 07:45

Another thought OP. Whilst you sit in of an evening and weekend making sure Fido has the mandated amount of human company, your DP has complete freedom to go out all the time and meet doggy step mommy #3.

Grambler · 11/09/2019 09:23

Whilst you sit in of an evening and weekend making sure Fido has the mandated amount of human company, your DP has complete freedom to go out all the time and meet doggy step mommy #3

Why can't he take the dog with him and use a dogsitter there? Ah yes - but then he'd have to organise it himself and you wouldn't have a 4 hour curfew.

Original poster
Roxette · 11/09/2019 09:39

He's told me it's not ok for her to be left for 5 hours on Saturday. So he is sorting out a dog sitter, or someone to come in and take her out for a wee/walk. At least he is sorting it. But it highlights that he won't allow her to be left for a long period of time, which really does mess up days out with the kids.

anyway, at least he is sorting Saturday.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 11/09/2019 09:42

'Oh, so you'll be back to see to her, then' would be my answer to that. Why is it never him making sacrifices to look after his own dog?

FinallyHere · 11/09/2019 09:51

which really does mess up days out with the kids.

Or it means that when you have the kids you cannot be available for dog duty. If you think about it, he is expecting you to prioritise his dog over your DC. You know, that dog, the one that he leaves for weeks at a time but doesn't 'allow' you to leave for more than four hours.

Have you ever considered explaining to him that that doesn't work for you and your DC so sorry, you can't dog sit?

Even if you did originally agree to care for the dog, it's perfectly reasonable for you to say "sorry, that just doesn't work for me. What are you going to do about your dog?"

Original poster
Roxette · 11/09/2019 10:08

@FinallyHere yes that’s true. I could tell him I can’t do it on a particular day. I wonder what would happen!

OP posts:
Gamble66 · 11/09/2019 10:34

No could - should - tell Him - the response will give you everything you need to know about your relationship status