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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off, or is he a CF?

110 replies

Roxette · 09/09/2019 15:44

Partner and I have been together for about 18 months, and we've just moved in together (I bought the house, we live in it together with my 2 kids, and his dog).

He works away a lot, and I have responsibility for the dog whilst he is away. I work 3 days a week, so we have a dog sitter who comes and collects the dog on those days and looks after her until I'm home. He pays for this, and it works fine. On the 2 days I don't work, I look after the dog.

At the moment, he is working away for 5 weeks. Mostly back on weekends, but not this weekend. This weekend, I'm also working on Saturday morning. I'm out of the house too long to leave the dog by herself. We talked about it this morning, and he suggested that we either get the dog sitter to have her (which is a reasonable suggestion, and I'll do that to check her availability), or "perhaps on one of your days off this week you could meet one of the people from borrow my doggy and see if they would be suitable to have her, then you can drop the dog with them on Saturday morning before work".

AIBU to be pissed off with this? The dog is lovely, but the amount of responsibility is like having another child! I feel completely dumped on to sort her out when she isn't even mine. However, I do feel guilty moaning about it because I've got 2 kids who he helps out with when they are around, although I don't expect him to look after them for days at a time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 09/09/2019 18:26

I bet you're perfectly happy for him to help provide for your kids, to take them on days out, help get them ready or cook for them but you don't want to help with the dog.

I bet OP doesn’t fuck of for weeks at a time leaving him to deal with her kids though.

Also he doesn’t do anything of those things from the kids from what OP has said.

swissmilk · 09/09/2019 18:37

I think he's dumped more wife work onto you.
When my live-in partner got a dog we agreed he would have day-to-day responsibility for the dog, which included all the admin.
I was happy to walk the dog etc while he travelled with work, but he was responsible for all the organising of kennels/vets etc.
You are not better off financially with your partner living with you, I would not be doing more work as well.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/09/2019 18:54

Inertia "It seems very convenient that his commitment issues don't extend to moving in with people who will look after his dog for him- he'll apparently commit exactly as far as required for free dog sitting..."

^^This.

And @Roxette - someone here is being selfish, but it ain't you!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2019 19:07

I have a 5 yo adult dog, who does not like being left alone. I still leave him at home for longer than 4 hours at times but not that often. There is no way I would come back for him after 4 hours on the rare times I go out for the day. The most we have left him is about 8 hours but this has only been a couple of times. I’m sure if you left the dog for less time you’d begrudge the dogs needs less.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2019 19:07

Oops last sentence should say more time.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 09/09/2019 19:13

The dog presumably manages all night without a wee, so a good wee and poo before work, and then the basket in an area with cleanable floors just in case and he/she will be fine as a one off.

Maybe get up a little bit earlier to give him a bit of a run then he might nap.
I think its ok that you help with the dog if he helps with the kids.

I would however set some boundaries moving forwards, both for baby sitting and doggy sitting.

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 09/09/2019 19:37

Hang on, you and the last GF overlapped by three months and you didn't know about it, but he's a 'decent guy'? No, he's not. I've changed my mind, he's a CF. Men who overlap girlfriends are not to be trusted.

Rainycloudyday · 09/09/2019 19:50

I’m stunned that you not only continued the relationship but actually moved a man into your children’s home when he had shown you the kind of character that would ‘overlap’ girlfriends for three months without mentioning it Shock What on earth about that behaviour made you think, hold on, this ones a keeper and I should totally introduce him to my children’s lives and home?!

I think the dog is the least of your problems Confused

Jellybeansincognito · 09/09/2019 20:23

He’s an incredibly selfish, irresponsible pet owner. That poor dog.
He’s treating owning a pet like pass the parcel for his own selfish wants and needs.

He needs to get the dog re-homed, it’s so unfair it having to live like this.

SavingSpaces2019 · 09/09/2019 20:24

Before I came along, if he was working he either get his then GF to have the dog (in a different county - they had a long distance relationship and she had the dog for a few months) or he got friends to have the dog

Either HE arranges the logistics for the dog - or he rehomes the dog.
Nobody should have a dog if they can't make time to be responsible for it.
You're just the latest mug he's palming his responsibility on to.

Jellybeansincognito · 09/09/2019 20:24

Also yes, by the sheer treatment of his dog alone, I’d be questioning the type of person that would treat an animal this way, for his own greed.

Then, with the relationship issues too.

I dunno, it raises some red flags to me, which I’m sure are there for you too op.

Hope you’re ok?

Derbee · 09/09/2019 20:56

I know mumsnet has a disproportionate number of people who think the worst of men, and see the worst in every opportunity. He’s a user who only gets involved with women for pet sitting, he does nothing for your kids, he’s got commitment issues, he’s untrustworthy, he’s a CF. Amazingly, I have put seen anyone (yet) saying he’s abusive and reccomending the Freedom Programme Hmm

But, to break it down. He makes arrangements for the dog whilst he’s away. You do a couple of days of dog care when you’re not working. This is normal relationship territory. You have BOTH forgotten to make arrangements for one day. You could argue it’s his responsibility because it’s his dog and he’s away. You could argue that he’s a bit precious about the 4 hour maximum for leaving the dog if he’s away. But a bit of bloody perspective from PPs wouldn’t go amiss

Derbee · 09/09/2019 20:57

*haven't seen anyone

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/09/2019 21:07

I think the dog is the least of your problems Confused

This^^

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 09/09/2019 22:19

He overlapped you because he needed to make sure you were suitable for his dog before he dumped the last dog sitting sucker.

Original poster
Roxette · 10/09/2019 10:39

The dog presumably manages all night without a wee, so a good wee and poo before work, and then the basket in an area with cleanable floors just in case and he/she will be fine as a one off

Yes, that's true, she does manage all night without a wee. And perhaps she could be left for longer at home by herself. It's DP who has set the "rule" not to leave her for more than 4 hours, and I do feel guilty if I do that because I know he doesn't like it, and it also doesn't feel fair to her, but agree for a one off she would probably be fine.

@Jellybeansincognito yes I know what you mean about red flags. We split up for a short time earlier in the year when I found out about the overlap, but decided to work through things. I suppose the issue with the dog has become more pronounced now because he is away for this stint and it has an impact on my life. I do find it a bit odd that someone would choose to have a dog and then need someone else to look after it a large chunk of the time. His work is def not conducive to having a dog around.

I am trying to get perspective of is this a reasonable thing to ask, or is he just taking the piss. Yes, he sometimes cooks for us all, and sometimes he has the kids for an hour whilst I ferry one of them somewhere. But he also has pretty much free reign of when he is around and when he isn't - I don't rely on him being around. I don't book stuff in expecting him to have the kids. Sometimes I walk the dog, or take her to the vets - that to me would be an equivalent of what he does for me in terms of having the children. However, he does rely on me to have the dog. I have had to change my work arrangements on occasion to accommodate the dog - I would never expect/ask him to change his work arrangements to do something for the kids. And that's the difference.

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 10/09/2019 10:53

I think it’s the sheer fact of him owning a dog when he’s away 5 out 7 days, it’s not fair on the poor thing.

It doesn’t matter that he gets dog walkers and people to look after it, it’s irresponsible and no one decent would own an animal in this situation because it isn’t fair on it.

It shows him to be disrespectful towards others and the animal itself, just because he wants one.
It’s greedy and selfish. It’s not a good sign.

A normal decent person wouldn’t have the dog in the first place because they’d not put an animal through not having a proper home or owner 5 out of 7 days a week.

Original poster
Roxette · 10/09/2019 11:13

His life has a changed a lot in the 3 years since he got the dog. I don't think he was working when he first got her, so was at home all the time. He was also living in the country, which I have discovered is often more dog friendly than being in a big city where we are now.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 10/09/2019 11:23

If it's an issue (you sound as if it's a growing resentment) you need to tell him he needs to either rehome the dog, have it pts or leave.

Jellybeansincognito · 10/09/2019 12:47

That’s what I mean, as a responsible pet owner you’d not keep this going and you’d re home your pet or not take a job that means you’re away 5 days out of 7.

Jellybeansincognito · 10/09/2019 12:50

All our lives change, sometimes they change so much you have to put your pets interests first and re home them. You can’t fight his corner with reasons because the reality is that just paints him in an even worse picture.

He either doesn’t give a shit about his dog so is keeping it anyway even though this situation is less than ideal for the poor thing, or he loves it but treats it badly anyway which isn’t a great insight to his personality really.

rebecca102 · 10/09/2019 12:53

Two kids are a lot more of a responsibility than a dog. Don't ever ask him to drive them or pick them up then...that's all he's asking from you.

Jellybeansincognito · 10/09/2019 12:55

Also, the sheer fact of him having to re home his dog if you guys split up, isn’t great either.

One way of finding out really isn’t there..

Original poster
Roxette · 10/09/2019 13:00

@Jellybeansincognito I wonder whether he doesn't see it as a problem. After all, he's got me picking up the slack here when he is away, so why should he feel bad? She's looked after by me or the dog sitter, where's the issue?

(I've no idea what he actually thinks/feels, that's just me projecting).

It's becoming more of an issue because I'm looking to start up my own business. Which will mean trying to work on the days that I currently don't work. And he's very good at talking the talk "I'll support you" etc, but the reality is that means the dog will be looked after by someone else all week. So what's the point? Also, I did do 2 days of the potential new job recently, at very short notice, and after the congratulations from him (which to be fair to him DID come first), the next thing was "what about the dog?".

It needs a bigger conversation, really. I don't feel she is my responsibility, and I need to reduce my guilt around leaving her at home, when really he needs to figure out the logistics, because as other have pointed out, what would he do if I wasn't around?

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 10/09/2019 13:03

Two kids are a lot more of a responsibility than a dog. Don't ever ask him to drive them or pick them up then...that's all he's asking from you

except this isn't the case at all is it rebecca - the OP is having to rearrange work to accommodate the dog as just one example

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