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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off, or is he a CF?

110 replies

Roxette · 09/09/2019 15:44

Partner and I have been together for about 18 months, and we've just moved in together (I bought the house, we live in it together with my 2 kids, and his dog).

He works away a lot, and I have responsibility for the dog whilst he is away. I work 3 days a week, so we have a dog sitter who comes and collects the dog on those days and looks after her until I'm home. He pays for this, and it works fine. On the 2 days I don't work, I look after the dog.

At the moment, he is working away for 5 weeks. Mostly back on weekends, but not this weekend. This weekend, I'm also working on Saturday morning. I'm out of the house too long to leave the dog by herself. We talked about it this morning, and he suggested that we either get the dog sitter to have her (which is a reasonable suggestion, and I'll do that to check her availability), or "perhaps on one of your days off this week you could meet one of the people from borrow my doggy and see if they would be suitable to have her, then you can drop the dog with them on Saturday morning before work".

AIBU to be pissed off with this? The dog is lovely, but the amount of responsibility is like having another child! I feel completely dumped on to sort her out when she isn't even mine. However, I do feel guilty moaning about it because I've got 2 kids who he helps out with when they are around, although I don't expect him to look after them for days at a time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Derbee · 09/09/2019 16:43

If you consider it a family pet then you need to organise minders as if it's your own

This. He doesn’t sound like a CF at all. You’re both just forgotten to make a plan for the dog for Saturday, and he’s suggesting ideas. Fair enough if the ideas aren’t convenient for you, but I wouldn’t be pissed off. Your work is more important. If he doesn’t want the dog alone on Saturday, he should come and stay with it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/09/2019 16:45

"(For the record, he doesn't like her to be alone for more than 4 hours at a time...)"
Then he shouldn't be away from her for more than four hours at a time, should he?

"His job is hit and miss. If he works away it'll be for a 4-6 week stint, and then he will often have a month off with no work afterwards. Ideally he gets work in the town we live, but that doesn't always work out."
He simply isn't suitable to be a dog owner.

... "perhaps on one of your days off this week you could meet one of the people from borrow my doggy and see if they would be suitable to have her, then you can drop the dog with them on Saturday morning before work".
Total abdication of responsibility on his part, and dumping the responsibility on you. You are to use YOUR day off to sort out HIS shit?

He's not a good person for a dog. Maybe he should rehome her, and become one of those people who borrow other people's doggy on the rare occasions he's around.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/09/2019 16:48

Oh, and just in case I wasn't totally clear -I think he is a cheeky fucker. Expects everyone else to run around caring for his dog - his friends, his ex, and now you.

Durgasarrow · 09/09/2019 16:48

He needs to find care for his dog if it prevents you from going out and doing things. Especially if he doesn't baby-sit your kids to let you go out and do things.

AnyOldPrion · 09/09/2019 16:54

If I was looking after the dog, I would be making the rules the days I had it. If he wants a four hour rule, then he needs to do all the work involved to make that happen.

Leave the dog plenty of things to distract it (toys, maybe some music playing). Unless it’s a puppy, it will be fine at home for a one off.

rookiemere · 09/09/2019 16:55

YANBU but getting in help from borrowmydoggy could be a godsend until you figure out bigger picture stuff.

Presumably he is the member and sussing people out? I'd probably agree to do it, just because it will take a lot of the dog looking after burden away from you and means that dog is with people keen to look after it.

But then I'd be having a bigger think about things as it depends if his treatment of ddog is symptomatic of other traits - signing up for a long term commitment without being able to fulfill it.

ButterflyOne1 · 09/09/2019 17:01

I'm sorry but I thought relationships were about helping and supporting one another. I think you're being massively unreasonable.

Come on, he's asking you to help with the dog he's not asking you to donate a bloody kidney!

I bet you're perfectly happy for him to help provide for your kids, to take them on days out, help get them ready or cook for them but you don't want to help with the dog.

Honestly you sound completely selfish.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 09/09/2019 17:07

Presumably he is the member and sussing people out?

He’s asking OP to meet people to decide whether they would be suitable.

I like your thinking about what this says in general re his attitude to relationships!

dottiedodah · 09/09/2019 17:08

If you have a dogsitter ,then check if they are avaliable. 5 /6 hours would be just about OK as a one off .What about any friends /neighbours teenagers ,would they want to earn a bit of cash maybe?.I think he is being fair to you as he doesnt expect you to walk him every day when he isnt there ,and has paid for a dog walker when you are working

BigFatLiar · 09/09/2019 17:10

I think it depends on whether you see it as his dog or a family dog. Now he's moved in do you see him as a lodger or as family. If you want him in your life but no dog you need to tell him to ditch the dog, else you need to regard it as a family dog and step up and help sort out its needs.

You do say you wouldn't expect to leave him with the kids for any time so have you sorted out what happens to them in an emergency eg if you had an accident and were hospitalized? Presumably you aren't expecting him to step up and look after them. People do develop great emotional attachment to there pets, if you do see yourselves as a family you shouldn't resent sorting out the dog and he shouldn't have a problem looking after the kids. If you have a problem with expecting him to look after the kids if needed you mat have moved in together to quick.

womaninthedark · 09/09/2019 17:15

You bought the house.
You have the children.
A man moved in with his dog. (No idea why people do this. Why move a man into your children's home?).
You end up being dog-care.
You're being used.
Bet you do his washing and any daily life admin, too.
What is it that he contributes?

Oh, and what would he have done with the dog for five weeks if you weren't around? Let him do that.

rookiemere · 09/09/2019 17:16

Oh and as a one off I'm sure ddog would be fine for 5 hours. But actually rereading like you said ,I'd check the dog sitters availability as the first port of call, that way cost and ownership still sits with him.

Original poster
Roxette · 09/09/2019 17:16

You are to use YOUR day off to sort out HIS shit?

This is how I felt, particularly about this week. I have adapted stuff to fit around looking after her on the days I don't work - if I need to go out somewhere that isn't dog friendly I make sure I'm back within the 4 hours as he has suggested. It's caused issues over the summer holidays with the kids where we have had to amend plans to make sure we are back for the dog etc when we have arranged to go to places that we can't take her.

He’s asking OP to meet people to decide whether they would be suitable

It feels like a recipe for disaster! I have never had a dog and don't know much about them - how do I know who is suitable to look after her or not?!

But then I'd be having a bigger think about things as it depends if his treatment of ddog is symptomatic of other traits - signing up for a long term commitment without being able to fulfill it

Very interesting. He does have commitment issues, it's stuff we have talked about in the past. Hadn't really made the link until then!

I get that he has made changes too - it's not been easy for him to walk into a ready made family and that isn't without its challenges. But I don't expect him to look after the kids. They are my responsibility.

I do view the dog as his, just as I'm sure he views the children as mine! If we were to split up tomorrow, the dog would go with him. There would be absolutely no question about that - she is his dog. He had her for 2 years before we got together.

Honestly you sound completely selfish

I know. I feel that too. I feel dumped on, but I know I sound selfish to moan about it when a relationship is about compromise.

OP posts:
KatewithaH · 09/09/2019 17:17

Did you post about this recently and he offered to put the dog in kennels? It sounds familiar.

Original poster
Roxette · 09/09/2019 17:19

You do say you wouldn't expect to leave him with the kids for any time so have you sorted out what happens to them in an emergency eg if you had an accident and were hospitalized?

They would go to their Dad's. I know what you are saying, and he wouldn't hesitate to help out if he was needed to. He's a decent guy and would help out.

OP posts:
Inertia · 09/09/2019 17:24

It's not reasonable for you and the children to have to change your plans to accommodate the dog. If he works away for weeks at a time, he's really a very responsible dog owner.

He'll need to pay for the dog sitter, or an available dog sitter. Then, when he next has a day off, HE can look at the suitability of people on Borrow My Doggy and do all the associated work.

When he looks after your children, does that involve anything other than sitting in the house with the children, or maybe giving the occasional lift, or does he do the donkey work of ferrying back and forth to clubs, booking dental appointments, school events etc? Or does that all fall to you too?

Inertia · 09/09/2019 17:25

It seems very convenient that his commitment issues don't extend to moving in with people who will look after his dog for him- he'll apparently commit exactly as far as required for free dog sitting...

Jellybeansincognito · 09/09/2019 17:29

What happened with the dog before you moved in together?
It’s not very fair on the dog to be owned by someone who works away a lot and is only home at weekends, I think the situation with you being at home and them living with you is irrelevant because he’s not home to look after the dog. You accepted they came as a package but if you wanted a dog I’m sure you’d have had your own.

Jellybeansincognito · 09/09/2019 17:33

You’re not being selfish btw- although a dog is a dog, they come with a lot of responsibility and in most cases more attention than small children!

The situation doesn’t sound fair on the dog at all, considering how close dogs get to their owners.

Original poster
Roxette · 09/09/2019 17:54

When he looks after your children, does that involve anything other than sitting in the house with the children, or maybe giving the occasional lift, or does he do the donkey work of ferrying back and forth to clubs, booking dental appointments, school events etc? Or does that all fall to you too?

He will occasionally have one child with him, usually whilst they walk the dog, whilst I take another child to an activity. Everything else is down to me. Although to be fair, that's as I would have it. They are my children and my responsibility. I didn't start a relationship expecting anyone else to be responsible for my children. They are only with me for half the time as it is as they are with their dad the other half of the time, when they are with me I actually want to spend time with them!

What happened with the dog before you moved in together?

His ex had her, or she was with his friends for a few weeks at a time.

The dog does get quite stressed when he is away.

You accepted they came as a package but if you wanted a dog I’m sure you’d have had your own

Yes, this! I've never had dogs. My life isn't really set up for having a dog.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roxette · 09/09/2019 17:55

Interesting you say his previous GF often looked after it- sounds like there wasn’t much of a gap between you either

We overlapped, but that's a whole other story...

(It's been worked through now, but I didn't know, and we overlapped by 3 months)

OP posts:
Original poster
Roxette · 09/09/2019 17:56

Did you post about this recently and he offered to put the dog in kennels? It sounds familiar

No, I've posted about the dog before, but nothing about kennels

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 09/09/2019 18:03

YANBU

Would he sort out the childcare logistics if you're both working one weekend day when the kids were supposed to be with you? Of course not.

So why do you have to be the one to sort out doggie daycare when he can't be at home to look after his dog on a weekend?

He should use one of his days at home to meet up with someone from that website. And he should certainly be the one to call up the dogsitter to see if they're available, not you.

LannieDuck · 09/09/2019 18:08

They are my children and my responsibility.

And it's his dog and his responsibility. Yes you're becoming a family, but that doesn't mean that you have to take on all the wifework for his dog as well as your kids.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/09/2019 18:15

It is a 2-year old dog, not a puppy. I will get flamed for saying this, but a normal adult dog can be left up to six hours in a climate controlled environment with access to fresh water and a comfortable sleeping/exercise space. Not a crate or a laundry room, but the den or kitchen. Ideally with a canine companion, but I sense one is all you want!