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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that domestic abuse only happens to the kind ones?

91 replies

mychildmyworld · 09/09/2019 11:43

going through this myself and thinking about it.
I have always been a kind person, care more about others than myself, would do anything to make anyone i love happy.
DP is 'bad boy' type and we were complete opposites growing up etc.
I always think if i was the type of person that didn't mind confrontation and was a bit more head strong i wouldn't of got myself in this situation.
for example some couples i know you could of classed as domestic abuse but the girl wouldn't bow down to him she'd give him a piece of her mind and tell him where to go if he didn't like it, where as she could of stayed quiet and tried to change her ways to please him like me.
So i suppose i'm saying do you think this can happen to anyone or do you think they only pick on the vulnerable?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 09/09/2019 11:49

Some women are more vulnerable by virtue of their attachment style (insecure, anxious, compulsive caregiving) or through grooming by parents who exposed them to DV or taught them that their needs weren't important.
However DA can creep up on literally any woman and can be just as hard to get away from for the feistiest of woman.

StarKazan · 09/09/2019 11:50

You are very naive in your thinking. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone. Some people deliberately look for people who, in your words, are a bit more headstrong. It makes the pleasure greater as they grind them down.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 09/09/2019 11:51

Abusers will gravitate toward the vulnerable; it's a classic bullying tactic. However, yes: it can happen to anyone.

The most important thing for you is to realise that this absolutely isn't your fault.

Is there somewhere that you can go for help and advice? Please do if you feel able. The situation is not likely to improve on its own Sad

PumpkinP · 09/09/2019 11:51

No I don’t agree. It can and does happen to anyone

HulksPurplePanties · 09/09/2019 11:52

No I don't agree at all. I was a grade A bitch and that didn't stop him from hitting me.

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2019 11:52

I agree with what's been said.

DA is so complex.

BanginChoons · 09/09/2019 11:53

You didn't "get yourself into this situation". He did this to you. It's on him.

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2019 11:53

But your focus should be on getting out.

Then do the freedom programme to work out how to prevent it happening again.

dollydaydream114 · 09/09/2019 11:54

YABU. I'm very headstrong and opinionated and absolutely not a doormat in any way but that didn't stop my ex from beating me up.

WorraLiberty · 09/09/2019 11:54

Women who don't allow themselves to be abused are not 'unkind'.

It can and does happen to all sorts of people.

PleaseHelpM3 · 09/09/2019 11:54

He's making you think it's your fault.

And it isn't.

Xxx

Kjelj · 09/09/2019 11:56

It's not your fault. Kindness shouldn't be preyed upon or exploited.

Please seek help to leave him and find someone that will appreciate your kindness. Easier said than done, I know.

Herocomplex · 09/09/2019 11:57

The only thing is common victims have is that someone is abusing them.

It’s not the victims behaviour, it’s the abusers.

I hope you find the strength to leave. It’s not your fault.

Trewser · 09/09/2019 11:57

Confident women who aren't abused by their partners aren't unkind, fgs.

Longtalljosie · 09/09/2019 11:59

You are trying to work out if you can change this by changing your behaviour. You can’t, love.

Fizzypoo · 09/09/2019 11:59

That's quite similar to the victim blaming of girls shouldn't wear short skirts and the keep your pants on to prevent abuse NSPCC campaign. The only person responsible for abuse is the abuser.

Original poster
mychildmyworld · 09/09/2019 12:01

wow thank you for making me open up my eyes!
i'm so sorry i didn't mean headstrong women are unkind that came across wrong Sad
I know i should leave but i can't yet i'm not in the right mindset, on the plus side i cut contact with my best friend last year due to this and a few days ago we got back friends, i secretly told her everything and she is supporting me so at least i have someone to talk to!

OP posts:
chipsandgin · 09/09/2019 12:04

Nothing to do with kindness, women who find the strength to walk the first time it happens or are lucky enough to have the support/self-belief not to put up with shit like that can still be kind! Also some women I’ve met who are feisty as fuck have ended up in relationships with abusive arseholes, they don’t tend to advertise that’s what they are at first. Some abusers are drawn to vulnerability of course, but it can happen to anyone & it’s not your fault. Time to get out if you haven’t already..

Span1elsRock · 09/09/2019 12:04

It's more about the twisted prick of a man that needs to dominate a woman to feel good about themselves surely.

They will always find a victim....... because they can put on a good act to lure someone in.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 09/09/2019 12:05

In the nicest possible way, YABU. DV is so much more complex than how you’re making it out to be. The victims who don’t seem to be “pushovers” are not less kind than yourself. They are just as likely to be a victim as you are.

There are some great courses available (different in different in areas). The freedom programme is one but is considered outdated by some nowadays. Talk to women’s aid if you can and see what’s available.

Herocomplex · 09/09/2019 12:06

mychild keep posting, you’ll get lots of support from people who’ve been where you are and gone on to lead better lives.

No one deserves to be hit, no one.

Pikapikachooo · 09/09/2019 12:08

Don’t agree sorry OP
It’s a global and universal issue and transcends everything .

billy1966 · 09/09/2019 12:08

I think what the OP may mean is that she is wondering if women who are more assertive, less tolerant early in the relationship avoid DA.

I don't think that is unreasonable to ask.

Regularly on MN I read of women asking is behaviour a red flag and being advised to run, get out etc.

If those women have the strength to do that early on, then they may indeed avoid DA.

Unfortunately, there are many threads on here that it was only well into a relationship that red flags appear.

Education is the greatest thing we can do for young women. To point out all the red flags and subtle behaviours that can be indicators.

Despite all of the above, I believe from reading on here that some abusers are very adept at hiding their true nature until they are deeply embedded in the lives of their victims.

DA is a very complex subject.
MN has certainly educated me hugely on the subject.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 09/09/2019 12:11

As others have said, no matter what you do, your abuser will make damn sure to make it all your fault he’s treating you badly/abusing you.

I’ve been meek and as agreeable as I could be. I’ve been bolshy and defended myself. And everything in between. And every time my abuser broke me down until I left. He just used different tactics to destroy me.

The most effective way to make the abuse stop in my experience, is to leave. It isn’t easy but it’s not impossible.

Trewser · 09/09/2019 12:14

Most women are kind. There isn't a special subset of women who are more kind. Being subservient and unasssertive doesn't make you kinder than a bossy loud person.

Sorry but your OP has really got to me.

I hope you find the strength to leave your relationship.