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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that domestic abuse only happens to the kind ones?

91 replies

mychildmyworld · 09/09/2019 11:43

going through this myself and thinking about it.
I have always been a kind person, care more about others than myself, would do anything to make anyone i love happy.
DP is 'bad boy' type and we were complete opposites growing up etc.
I always think if i was the type of person that didn't mind confrontation and was a bit more head strong i wouldn't of got myself in this situation.
for example some couples i know you could of classed as domestic abuse but the girl wouldn't bow down to him she'd give him a piece of her mind and tell him where to go if he didn't like it, where as she could of stayed quiet and tried to change her ways to please him like me.
So i suppose i'm saying do you think this can happen to anyone or do you think they only pick on the vulnerable?

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 09/09/2019 12:24

It's not you, it's all on him. You are not responsible for his abuse, you cannot control it nor do you in any way motivate him to be abusive. It is all him. Please do not feel any blame or hold on to some futile hope that you can find a way to change him. Find the strength to break free.

Original poster
mychildmyworld · 09/09/2019 12:28

@billy1966 your right!
I'm so sorry i come across as really insensitive on my post i did not mean it like louder women deserve it or anything like that Sad
I mean like at the start of a relationship getting to know you do you think if they noticed you were a quiet person they would see their opportunity and if you were a louder person they wouldn't feel like they could take the pss out of you so much later on.
I think i'm wondering if i'd always be too vulnerable after this, thinking about another relationship knocks me sick at the moment but if it ever did happen later in life, i'd feel i needed to put on an act to show i'm not going to let them take the pis.
I don't even know what i mean to be honest my heads scrambled my cheeks are red hot talking about it i'm so sorry if i offended someone Sad

OP posts:
CaveMum · 09/09/2019 12:31

It can happen to anyone. Look at someone like Mel B who most people would assume is a confident, outgoing and, some might say, hard nosed woman and yet suffered awful abuse from her ex.

No one is exempt.

Herocomplex · 09/09/2019 12:33

To all those nit-picking with the wording the OP has used can you not see what the problem here is?

You’re kicking somebody whose clearly asking for help understanding what’s going on, and she needs to be here. Please don’t make her feel worse!

Dowser · 09/09/2019 12:34

My child and other mums in a da situation
Do you know about the Parliament protest in Parliament square London on October 26 at noon
There’s buses going from strategic areas around the uk, which when full will be like Newcastle for £35
There will be speakers, activists and lots of supportive mums if you can get yourself along
If not try joining
Mothers unite against domestic abuse on fb
Loads of support there

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/09/2019 12:36

Nah. I’m neither kind nor a particularly nice person, definitely not vulnerable - was still a victim of DV. All you need to be a victim is to have an abusive partner.

Perisoire · 09/09/2019 12:36

Don’t be sad OP, I know what you mean.

Of course abusers take advantage of their partner’s kind nature. But yes also feisty women can be gradually ground down. No one is safe and every one should be on their guard.

Perisoire · 09/09/2019 12:37

@Herocomplex well said. It’s obvious what OP meant.

charlestonchaplin · 09/09/2019 12:37

I think many women like to believe that all women are as likely to be subject to domestic violence. It helps the self-esteem when you have experienced it. I think it's an unhelpful myth that doesn't help women avoid making similar mistakes in the future. Most domestic abusers are pathetic individuals, not master manipulators. Unless they've already invested a lot in a relationship, if they meet too much resistance they'll find an easier victim.

Sure, all women can be victims, but I'd be very surprised if many or even most women aren't vulnerable in some way. Many of the red flags are waving furiously early on, but women ignore them because they like to see the best in people and hope for the best.

LakieLady · 09/09/2019 12:42

YABU. I've been in 2 abusive relationships (one physical, one emotional/financial) and I'm stroppy and feisty. I've also worked with many women who've been abused. A lot of them are very fierce.

I think there's a certain type of abusive man who finds a strong woman an especially exciting challenge. It's as though they think to themselves "If I can get this one under my thumb, I really will be Billy Big-Bollocks".

flirtygirl · 09/09/2019 12:44

I'm headstrong and suffered many types of abuse.

Abuse happens to anyone and everyone. Yes some facets of a personality can make you more vulnerable to abusers, but one abuser may go for the high earning confident woman to bring her down a peg or too, whilst the other goes for the woman he knows he can control right from the start.

Even case is different.

billy1966 · 09/09/2019 12:45

OP, please don't upset yourself further, lots of people reading your OP, understand what you meant.

Wishing you strength 💐

flirtygirl · 09/09/2019 12:45

Every case is different.

Not even.

Ambidexte · 09/09/2019 12:45

Domestic abuse happens because the abuser does it.

It's not because of what you are like, OP. It's because of what HE is like. You are blameless in this.

BanginChoons · 09/09/2019 12:46

OP may I suggest a book called "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft.

Also, try to find a freedom programme near you, going in person is best. You may be able to self refer.

mooncuplanding · 09/09/2019 12:52

You are trying to work out if you can change this by changing your behaviour. You can’t, love.

I don't agree with this. As discussed, DA can happen to anyone purely because men are physically stronger than women ( in almost every case) and therefore always have the ultimate trump.

HOWEVER, what women can do is recognise the first signs of a potential abuser (the love bombing etc) and make sure they quit immediately and not 'give them the benefit of the doubt' - which is what I think you are getting at with your OP. Many women 'explain away' bad early behaviour and before they know it are tied down with a kid and married - what you are describing here as 'being kind'.

I understand what you mean. I've been there and explained away all the bad behaviour and I think you can learn very quickly how to absolutely minimise the risks of it happening to you again

Good luck OP

Original poster
mychildmyworld · 09/09/2019 12:54

Thank you, anyone i've ever told (except my best friend) have all said you need to take back control, you've let him be nasty, for example the only time i now clean is a saturday morning while he's asleep so i can do it while i'm relaxed and not watched over and i used to love cleaning, now he does it all while i'm at work and he doesn't do it the same but if i started doing it i'd just be getting questioned constantly 'why did it just take you 5 minutes to put a toy in DS's bedroom' or 'oh your cleaning now you've just been on your phone and don't need to speak to your boyfriend'
This is it he thinks i cheat and i've tried in every single way physically possible to reassure him, i've not shaved anything for weeks, i lost my friends, i don't hardly go out alone, i let him have free rein of my phone, i stopped taking selfies as much, i stopped cleaning, i stopped sitting in my bedroom to dry my hair and do my makeup, i stopped walking into a room to forget what i came in for! i miss it all but even now it hasn't even helped there's always a reason behind everything i do god i just want to relax for once in my life without worrying that i 'look like i'm listening out for something' .
sorry if i don't make sense and i'm sorry that you all just want to say leave and i do it but i just can't yet i'm not ready

OP posts:
charlestonchaplin · 09/09/2019 12:55

Not sure why being stroppy, feisty or headstrong would protect from domestic abuse. You're probably more likely to plunge head-first into another unsuitable relationship. Try being thoughtful, considered, discriminating and a bit cynical. Having a low bullshit tolerance and not being so desperate for love, affection or a relationship won't be harmful either.

Barbarara · 09/09/2019 12:56

What would make you feel ready?

mooncuplanding · 09/09/2019 12:56

The hardest thing I heard on leaving my abuser was from a friend who said "now you need to understand why you let that happen"

I was furious at the time, but it was also the most helpful anyone said to me throughout the entire healing process. I did let it happen, I am not victim blaming but I really had to question myself as to why I didn't leave earlier, why I even married him, all the flags were blowing!

In the long run it gave me agency. I know now it would be nigh on impossible for me to get involved with an abusive man in a long-term relationship. I am not being naive there, I just know I would be able to walk at the earliest opportunity and not get long-term caught up in it.

Original poster
mychildmyworld · 09/09/2019 13:07

I don't know what would make me ready? what made everyone else who left this kind of relationship ready?
if he hit me i would be ready but that probably won't happen, i would be ready if someone rang the police on him and i had time to think straight and get away while he was arrested.
Other than that i don't know because i've left twice and gone back because i feel sorry for him, but i know that if i leave this time i have to be prepared for the fall out and be strong enough not to look back.

OP posts:
june2007 · 09/09/2019 13:09

Abuse happens to anyone and by anyone. I knew a horrible man who was an abuser of people. I had sympathy for his girlfriend unitl she burst into our flat and started beeting up my house mate due to lies her BF told. I realised yes she was a vitim, yes she was being played but she was as nasty as he was. So no doesn't just happen to nice poeple.

MissDew · 09/09/2019 13:09

god i just want to relax for once in my life without worrying

Can you please start a plan to leave ? Even if it's just inside your own head. He's always watching you and doing a running commentary on everything you do ? That's no way to live.

I'm assuming you, 'police yourself' even when he's not around. By this I mean you are careful to abide by his endless rules.

Not allowed to sit in your room to do dry your hair and do your make up ? I wonder why. Or do get accused of getting yourself all dolled up for someone else ?

Sorry, but can you call Womens Aid to get some help to leave him.

When you do go, prepare yourself for a shed load of insults and accusations about going off with another man (even if you are not.) Also screaming at you for being a liar for the amount of times you denied seeing someone else.

This man is not rational.

MissDew · 09/09/2019 13:12

i've left twice and gone back because i feel sorry for him

That's the same manipulation as the endless rules. Endless accusations. Endless, unfounded, nonsensical criticisms.

Treat it like fire. Get out and stay out.

NewAndImprovedNorks · 09/09/2019 13:15

Whatever the reasons, or the background, please tell us that you are preparing to leave and to get yourSELF back again.
This is so very sad

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