to think that domestic abuse only happens to the kind ones?

[mychildmyworld]

going through this myself and thinking about it.
I have always been a kind person, care more about others than myself, would do anything to make anyone i love happy.
DP is 'bad boy' type and we were complete opposites growing up etc.
I always think if i was the type of person that didn't mind confrontation and was a bit more head strong i wouldn't of got myself in this situation.
for example some couples i know you could of classed as domestic abuse but the girl wouldn't bow down to him she'd give him a piece of her mind and tell him where to go if he didn't like it, where as she could of stayed quiet and tried to change her ways to please him like me.
So i suppose i'm saying do you think this can happen to anyone or do you think they only pick on the vulnerable?

don't know what would make me ready? what made everyone else who left this kind of relationship ready?

God no one can answer that . One day it happens . You get so unhappy and you
Find the will

You are not alone in this I assure
You

Every predator will have his or her preferred type of victim

I really hope that you can leave this relationship and stay away OP.
I promise you that as more time passes and you look back, you will be so relieved that you didn't waste anymore of your love, attention and time on someone who has isolated and abused you.
I was in a similar situation to you and it took me a long time to recognise the control that he had gradually developed over me.
When we finally split, it was the first and only time he was physically violent and I'm ashamed to say that I still desperately wanted things to work out between us. I wish I hadn't waited for things to escalate to that point.

I always went back and still probably would.

Turning it around and making decisions best for my daughters instead of for me helped.

But if I'm truly honest I put up with his levels of crap because I was happy to for myself and even though we are now divorced and he has put me through hell, I still wanted to remain married. I still thought he could change even though I had evidence to the contrary.

But what I'm saying is
You will find your own limit and then you will be ready to leave. No one can tell you when, why and where.

I'm headstrong, stubbornly independent and I don't consider myself a kind person, yet I got stuck in a DV relationship for almost 4 years. There is no stereotype.

Seriously missmouse? She’s getting beaten and you’re correcting the language she’s using to ask for help?
You’re appalling.

Blaming kindness is another skew to your mindset which is gradually shifted in the duration of an abusive relationship. Think about it, you are blaming your kindness for abuse - that's how much he has done a number on you.

If you are not ready to go yet. Carve out some time where you are safe and comfortable to not be thinking about him at all. Think about you as an individual, what you want, pretend he is not a factor.

Syphen some of your money into a private account or leave cash and important belongings with your friend. All the while just tell yourself this is just incase.

Then, sit and think really hard about where your line is - I had a line my abusive partner knew he couldn't cross and a line that I told myself would be the point I would have no choice but to leave him and promised myself I would stick to it.

My line was really low down actually - I put up with a lot. But having a clear boundary, forced action. It could be anything sexual abuse, a hit to the face, cheating with someone you know, being hospitalised.

Keep working on your self esteem and confiding in your friend, ask her to keep her door open even if you get flaky over it all. Hopefully you will manage to get away before you get even close to your line.

He may have completely legitimate excuses and reasons for poor actions. You still don't deserve it. You may feel you are worthless. You still don't deserve it. You might think of times you brought it on or also behaved badly. You still don't deserve it.

It is not your fault.

Lastly, if you leave, a good way to stay strong is to tell those around you EVERYTHING. Your bank, your family, school, neighbours, friends. 1. They will remind you that it was him not you and 2. You will be embarrassed to resume contact with him knowing that everyone around you is aware what he put you through. Also if neighbours see him or hear anything they will be more likely to call police.

Contact different support networks such as victim support and women's aid. Spend a good year working solely on your self and don't let anybody make you feel bad for grieving your relationship. Just because he was an arse doesn't mean that you won't be sad about it ending. Remind yourself however, that you are mostly grieving about how it SHOULD have been.

Once you have healed things won't be perfect but you will feel free, you will be the perfect person to empathise with and help others in your situation.

There's no right way to act towards someone to prevent them abusing you, the people who know how to prevent abuse are those who spot the signs and avoid the abusers. Sometimes very hard to spot unless you know what to look for.

No-one should feel bad about being abused, only the abuser should hold the blame.

This is it he thinks i cheat and i've tried in every single way physically possible to reassure him, i've not shaved anything for weeks, i lost my friends, i don't hardly go out alone, i let him have free rein of my phone, i stopped taking selfies as much, i stopped cleaning, i stopped sitting in my bedroom to dry my hair and do my makeup, i stopped walking into a room to forget what i came in for! i miss it all but even now it hasn't even helped there's always a reason behind everything i do god i just want to relax for once in my life without worrying that i 'look like i'm listening out for something' .

He doesn't think you cheat. He really doesn't. He is pretending he does so you will react as you have done. He has found a very effective way to make you isolate yourself and have a miserable life.

I think it can happen to anyone but I also think it is enormously helpful to grow up with explicit and implicit lessons on what a good relationship should look like. My mother explicitly told us that jealousy in a man can look like love/caring but it isn't and will make us miserable. She and my dad implicitly showed us the respect and freedom that should exist in a healthy relationship. I think I was less likely to end up in DA situation because I would never excuse away certain bad behaviour - in friends or in boyfriends.

Nope I'm mouthy and I have been through domestic abuse. Abusers pray on your weak points which everyone has

I agree with @cherry4weans here that is exactly true. Once people know the truth it’s much harder for you to go back as you have a responsibility not to really.

I know a man who was domestically abused. He wasn't nice at all. He was (is) a complete bastard in fact. That being said, he doesn't deserve to be physically and verbally assaulted, and financially abused.

my ex has abused a fair few women; we are all very different people. He is the only constant.

I never thought I'd be subject to abuse - I'm strong and resilient and independent. Oh well. It can happen to anyone. And it creeps up on you, - if they hit you on day 1, you'd run. If they were nasty all the time you'd (probably) run. So they don't.

OP - I understand how worn down you are with all this abuse.

And Pallisers is right. Your BF doesn't think you cheat. He knows you don't. He is just saying he thinks you cheat so tht he can control everything you say and do.

You say you've left a couple of times. And then you've gone back because you feel sorry for him.

Please don't waste another second of your life feeling sorry for this man.

I spent ten years being beaten and abused. I left fifteen times and went back fourteen times.

The reason I didn't go back the fifteenth time was because I had just reached a point where I couldn't put my DC through it any longer.

How many DC have you got? How old are they?

When you left before, where did you go?

There is plenty of advice about domestic abuse here

@missmouse101

I really don't think you could have stooped lower than to make that crass comment to the OP.

Nope. Complete arseholes can get battered as well - and sometimes they find it harder to escape from, because they are vulnerable to claims of 'being as bad as one another', 'six of one and half a dozen of the other', 'you hit me, so I'm pressing charges, too' or romanticising the 'passionate arguments and making up'.

Can I ask why you feel sorry for him?

I am confident, strong and independent (in most areas of my life) but am still stuck in an abusive relationship. I used to stand up for myself, but after some physical incidents I don’t have the courage any more because I know I could end up very injured or dead if I retaliate too much. I think my partner was initially attracted to my success and confidence but after a while his bitterness and jealousy have driven him to try and destroy me. How did I get to this point? I am kind and forgiving so that was a factor. I still feel sorry for him because I know he is unhappy deep down. But mainly it was because, despite my outer confidence, my relationship with my Dad was v damaging and self esteem with men has always been non existent. I was very promiscuous as a teen and young adult and it was impossible for me to sustain a relationship with any man who was nice to me. I have had a lot of counselling and I can see everything clearly. But I actually still worry when I leave (which I will) I will end up with another person who is the same. It is very complicated. But I think having a low sense of self worth must be fairly common amongst people in abusive relationships because they don’t find it easy to put their own needs first.

I could easily write on here. No man will ever lay a land a hand one me. If he tries it I’ll gleefully break every finger he’s got..
However pps are 110% correct. It can happen to anyone. Not just Domestic Violence but Financial abuse emotional abuse ect.

well yes @Mummadeeze I do think a low sense of self-worth can contribute to someone staying or repeatedly going back to someone who has been abusive to them. Maybe underneath they don't think they deserve better or they don't enforce boundaries, or they're in the "but I luurrve him" category. (and i possibly put myself in that category by the way - until he hit me that is).

But more often isn't it that the person is scared of leaving and what the repercussions would be if they did try to escape, or that they're scared of leaving and being alone, or that they don't have anywhere to go, or any way to fund an escape, or even that they're so abused they don't even realise they're being abused? It's so complicated I don't think there's one cause - except the only common denominator, that these men (mostly) are abusive violent c*nts.

Okay this is all fine and dandy for me to say behind a key board sitting with my hooves up, but You say you’re not in the right frame of mind to leave this beast. When will the right time come. If you don’t get out sooner rather than later. You’ll never be in the right frame of mind to get out. You deserve much much better. However you probably know that. You don’t need some random telling you so.

It really can happen to anyone. My friend is very feisty, strong willed and always gets what she wants at work, in friendships etc. But even she ended up stuck in an abusive relationship for a year. It’s because the abuser starts off so nice, so when they start to show their bad side the abused person initially thinks they’ve done something wrong to cause this bad treatment, as they believe their DP to be a good person.

I also got stuck in an EA when I was younger and very unaware of emotional abuse. I can safely say it wouldn’t happen to me again as I’m now fully aware of the warning signs and would leave at the first one. That’s the thing OP, there’s no way to stop an abuser being an abuser - the only solution is to recognise abuse for what it is and get out ASAP.

Hi, sorry for the late reply everyone and thank you so much for all the kind words, it really boosts me having other peoples stories to read to know i'm not alone.
I don't know why i feel sorry for him, but he can be really vile all day and night to me, then wake up and act like everything's fine and the night before didn't happen and then it makes me think well he can be nice sometimes and i hold on to it for some reason and think well he must be genuinely unwell and need help,
I don't want him to be lonely when i leave and take our DS because he has no friends and hates his family because he thinks they follow him and know i'm a cheat or even cheat with me!
Yesterday he picked me up from work i said 'hi' and he didn't reply, this is when i know how the night will go... we went food shopping, no talking at all, get back in the car and that's it 'you look at every single man in there' 'go on why you not looking at him' 'you like old men don't you' ' you think i'm stupid' so i say 'stop treating me like a piece of meat i have feelings' and he said 'your a slag'.
Then i try not to speak to him all night and ignore his sly digs to stop any arguing and all of a sudden at bedtime he's talking normal like nothing has happened!