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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that domestic abuse only happens to the kind ones?

91 replies

mychildmyworld · 09/09/2019 11:43

going through this myself and thinking about it.
I have always been a kind person, care more about others than myself, would do anything to make anyone i love happy.
DP is 'bad boy' type and we were complete opposites growing up etc.
I always think if i was the type of person that didn't mind confrontation and was a bit more head strong i wouldn't of got myself in this situation.
for example some couples i know you could of classed as domestic abuse but the girl wouldn't bow down to him she'd give him a piece of her mind and tell him where to go if he didn't like it, where as she could of stayed quiet and tried to change her ways to please him like me.
So i suppose i'm saying do you think this can happen to anyone or do you think they only pick on the vulnerable?

OP posts:

Herocomplex · 10/09/2019 10:51

Oh god, that’s horrendous, please please make plans to leave him. I’m really worried about you, put yourself first please.

If he can speak to you like that and then pretend to be normal he’s not ‘nice’. You’re trying to find good where there isn’t any. You deserve more, much more.

Trewser · 10/09/2019 10:58

You know there is no "good" there. Why are you deluding yourself?

slithytove · 10/09/2019 11:02

You can be feisty and fight it and still be the victim of abuse.

slithytove · 10/09/2019 11:02

And your partner is a vile prick

Original poster

mychildmyworld · 10/09/2019 11:04

i don't know i ask myself the same question every day? i'm stupid, i can't even bring myself to leave when i know i have so much support in RL i can't bring myself to tell them the whole truth.
I'm scared of the unknown, i'm scared of having to still deal with him afterwards because of DS seeing him.
And most of all for some stupid reason i'm scared that i'm leaving him with nothing and no one while he's 'suicidal'.

OP posts:

Frequency · 10/09/2019 11:10

Can I just say no woman 'allows' a man to abuse her. Abuse is the fault of the abuser and only the abuser. Let's stop making excuses for these pathetic excuses for men by pretending it couldn't happen to us because we're not like the victims, we don't do x,yz therefore we are better.

It can happen to us. It does happen to us. Domestic abuse crosses all lines, all personality traits, all socio-economic groups and ethnicities. The only thing all abuse survivors have in common is that they were unfortunate enough to come across an abuser.

OP, I was in abusive relationship. I was confident, attractive, had a good job with a good income, was studying at uni, had what I believed at the time to be a good group of life-long friends and a close relationship with my family. I was kind and generous but also strong enough to say no when people started taking the piss. He ground me down, slowly, ever so slowly until I didn't recognise myself. BY the time I realised I was being financially, emotionally and sexually abused it was too late. I was left with nothing and noone. I got out, eventually. After all my fears about living without him, walking away with nothing etc it wasn't bad. The day I left I felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I managed. I built myself back up. I'm still not the person he ruined. I probably never will be. I'm still building my career back up and my friends are still gone but I'm happier. I'm stronger and it was not my fault. IT's not your fault either and you can escape.

AnnaNimmity · 10/09/2019 11:11

You're not stupid. You're abused. It's different.

You're strong,. But do not feel guilty. His threats of suicide, and his miserable life are his problem, not yours. And you're scared about leaving for your ds. But really staying with an abuser like this is far more scary for your ds and what he will both witness and grow up with.

He sounds horrible - my ex was the same. He used to do something he called "peeing on me" if he even saw me near another man. (it wasn't literal peeing, just like marking his territory). Horrible. He actually thought I belonged to him, all men (and women fancied me) and I couldn't be trusted, and neither could they.

Drogonssmile · 10/09/2019 11:13

My exSIL has just been beaten up by her partner. She's a nasty piece of work. I still wouldn't wish that on her though.

Original poster

mychildmyworld · 10/09/2019 11:17

yes Anna! (won't let me tag) He is exactly the same the other day at the park he said there was a woman staring at my bum the whole time! I fail to believe that somehow, The best thing is i'm not exactly god's gift i'm 17st after putting on a lot of weight the past year!
Thank you everybody i'm going to read all of this post over and over properly, i know what i need to do i just need to get some balls and do it!

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 10/09/2019 11:22

If you were more confrontational, you'd be wondering if it was your fault for not being as passive as he'd like you to be.

Abuse can happen to anyone and does. The only thing in common is that they met an abuser.

bibliomania · 10/09/2019 11:39

What you need to do is redirect your sympathy away from him and towards your child. Your child should not grow up in a family affected by DV.

You think your P is so Special that you need to fling yourself between him and the emotional pain of a relationship breakdown, even when he has caused the relationship breakdown? What makes him the centre of the universe? He's a big boy. Let him carry his own pain for a bit.

yellowallpaper · 10/09/2019 11:40

I think bullies can always spot the most vulnerable person available and will do the typical love bombing to reel them in. It can happen to perceived strong women, but I think they appear strong, but have hidden vulnerabilities, even it it is just trusting someone they love.

My ex picked me out immediately and it followed the usual route. I was bullied as a child, although mostly outwitted them so it didn't have a big impact on me, whereas ex H was a violent bully throughout his early life following brutal treatment by his parents. Unfortunately I knew none of this at the time.

AnnaNimmity · 10/09/2019 12:16

I think that often abusers pick on people (or are able to carry on picking on people) who are less willing or able to enforce boundaries - for whatever reason. Often because they come from an abusive background, or are really low in self-worth and just (for whatever reason) don't stop the abuse. They believe the abuser loves them, and they love the abuser and what? it will stop? or it's their fault? or that it's ok because most of the time the abuser is nice to them? I don't know.

At other times being terrified of the consequences or being so cut off (financially or whatever) that you don't feel able to leave.

For me, the abuse crept up on me, and my boundaries were so shot (from an abusive childhood and marriage) that I just didn't realise it wasn't normal. how he treated other people in his life (he was a rampant cheat who clearly had no respect for anyone) really gave me clarity. The last incidence of violence was terrifying. I could have died. and my dcs really didn't need a dead mother.

Counselling has helped me since.

OP you have a child. Maybe that can give you the impetus you need to leave- it simply isn't fair to put your guilt in hurting your DP before him. He will be damaged by this irrevocably, even if you're willing to overlook the damage to you.

I don't know if you've seen a counseller? That will help you massively.

Foreverlexicon · 10/09/2019 12:29

It can happen to absolutely anyone.

I’m a police officer. I’m not in any way vulnerable or a pushover or nice and quiet to keep the peace.

It still happened to me and it still took me over 3 years to leave.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/09/2019 12:40

Ooh my first deleted message AFAIK.
I finally feel like a good school girl gone bad.
Although why it was deleted I don’t know🤷🏻‍♀️

PhilSwagielka · 10/09/2019 12:45

It can happen to anyone. Some people are easier targets than others, but even women I'd describe as 'strong' or 'feisty' have been in abusive relationships.

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