Ex husband not bathing kids

[mumhasanicebum87]

I have two kids and my ex husband has them every other weekend. Kids washed Thursday night before school and nursery and collected Friday from school/nursery. Kids dropped to my parents Sunday at 5:30 for Sunday dinner as usual and for the second time in a month they haven't been bathed all weekend. His excuse was that he didn't have them Saturday night as was out?! The children's teeth hadn't been brushed either as he forget the toothbrushes when they slept over with his mum. As the children were dropped to my parents it resulted in a mad rush to eat dinner then drive 40 mins home (youngest fell asleep in car) to then do baths and bed time, which extended bedtime by an hour and lots of tears from the toddler. I told him it wasn't on, but he just doesn't seem to think its that bad. Am I being unreasonable? We get along fine otherwise, he's a good dad, we do days out with the kids together etc

I have a similar battle with ExP. It’s not acceptable, I wouldn’t accept those hygiene standards for myself and don’t see why Dd should either just because her father is a lazy arse. Unfortunately I don’t have a solution or any advice .

It really is ok to go three days without a bath. However it wouldn't be what I would choose.

DH and I bath our children every other day. We both agree on this strategy. If we split up and he started having them all weekend without bathing them I would be annoyed. It's lazy to change what you think is "ok" because you can't be bothered.

Going more than one day without toothbrushing however isn't just lazy is potentially gonna harm their teeth. I can't actually believe 15AtillatheHun is blaming the grandparent. If she can magic a toothbrush up then so can he!!

So I would be annoyed, I would rethink the Sunday strategy and ask that they arrive back bathed in a Sunday. Then you know that at least they have a bath Thursday and a bath Sunday. If he doesn't do their teeth again I would be speaking to him about that but i suppose this might be a one off.

Am I the only one who would share my toothbrush with my children if I forgot theirs?

"Am I the only one who would share my toothbrush with my children if I forgot theirs?"

You shouldn't share a toothbrush with anyone, it's better not not brush once or twice than share.

@MoonageDaydreamz I agree, the phrase "pick your battles" is just a euphemism for "pick no battles, ever"

This thread genuinely has me baffled- especially the debate over how frequently the kids should be bathed- it’s completely irrelevant. The only part that matters is that they are being returned unwashed and no teeth brushed on a Sunday evening with school and nursery the next day.

These are the basics. The very basics. These are the battles you should pick because how do you expect to ask them to do more, or take more responsibility when they’re not even prepared to commit to 5/10 minutes of teeth brushing?

It’s all very well to say ‘I pick my battles’ but what they hear is ‘you don’t need to bother because I’ll do it’ and that’s not parenting, that’s babysitting. Then people complain about their exes not doing enough- well why would they bother? They know you’ll just pick up the slack and do it in the end. 🤷‍♀️

It was inevitably going to turn into a bathing frequency debate, because MN adores that topic. Sure enough, we got people posting spurious claims about being able to tell whether children have a daily bath or not and if the thread goes on long enough it'll take a turn the opposite way and go competitively filthy.

I’m fairly relaxed about most stuff @Sunshine93 but I have read that adults sharing toothbrushes with children is a bad idea due to bacteria being different in adult and kid mouths (not such a big deal to share with another adult). I wouldn’t do it, I’d be more likely to get the child to rub a bit of toothpaste round their mouth with their finger, or slosh a bit of toothpaste about in their mouth.

My ex was like this. But was one thing in a very long list of things that meant they were neglected (classes by social services). Unfortunately he didn’t change his ways.

OP you are not being unreasonable. He is a parent, he needs to parent, not make your life more difficult

When I was a small child, I had a bath once a week on a Sunday night, in a tin bath in front of the fire. It didn't hurt me.

I’m on the other side of this, in the sense that it is my ex who has issues over my hygiene routines with DD. I tend to take her travelling over the summer, and in other school hols when I can - neither of us then will bathe or shower every day (or, indeed, brush our hair as much as he would like!) We DO clean our teeth, tho. And wash our arm-pits, feet and our bits every day, obvs. So to my mind our hygiene is still good - we don’t smell, or anything. Every summer I ask if my ex will agree to me getting DD’s hair braided for the summer hols (she is longing for braids, and they would be so much easier to look after when we are travelling) - every summer he says no.

I suppose my point is that there has to be compromise from both sides, as long as everyone is clean, non-smelly, and their teeth are looked after! These are the non-negotiables. Exactly how that is achieved - not so much. Some like to bathe every night - some think w thorough stand-up sink wash is fine. As for hair? When dd is with her dad and step mom, she will go into school in a perfect French plait. With me, it’s a pony-tail at best (and not a neat one). Different strokes for different folks. But at the end of the day, is it worth falling out over? Pick the hill you want to die on.......

When I was a small child, I had a bath once a week on a Sunday night, in a tin bath in front of the fire. It didn't hurt me.

Same with my grandparents. They had this and then the frequency was just habit. So even when they ended up living in a house with indoor bathroom and easy access shower it was still once a week on a Sunday morning. They lived long, healthy lives.

When I was in uni all the share houses were in poorer areas with outside bathrooms. In winter most people would only shower once a week. The thought of going outside into a cold, unheated concrete bathroom was not great so you would leave it to midday on a Saturday and try and get in before the rush as then there would be no hot water left and you would have to leave it to Sunday. We all survived.

I don’t bath my kids every day (8,4 and baby), more like two - three times a week. I don’t think it’s good for them to have soap on their skin too often (obviously we use it for hand washing). But I do brush their teeth twice a day and I think he should have toothbrushes at his house, that’s not something you take with you (I was raised in two homes myself). But maybe send some cheap ones with the kids next time and tell them to leave them at their dads house - you can get them at the pound shop. Yes he’s not the dad of the year, but you divorced him so I would guess you already know that. I certainly wouldn’t have an argument about this though, coparenting means having to learn to live with a different parenting style. I’d save the arguments for things I think are genuinely dangerous (like not using car seats, or leaving them home alone).

If he can’t return them clean then he shouldn’t be having them that long. Going Thursday to Sunday without teeth cleaned is vile and bad for their teeth. I’d speak to him about how to sort this out. If he won’t play ball then a solicitors letter. Not bathing every day is ok as long as he returns them washed or returns them well before tea so you have time to get them sorted

It just makes me wonder what else he is doing/not doing. It sounds like a lack of care and attention.
If I only saw my dc every other weekend, I wouldn't want to waste a minute going out on the Saturday night and leaving them with grandparents. I am sure his mum is happy to look after her grandchildren, but I would have thought their dad would want to be with them.

MoonageDaydreamz

I absolutely agree with that.

Being a parent ALSO involves making sure the children learn a reasonnable hygiene routine which includes brushing teeth TWICE a day.
And having a bath/shower at least every other day because kids are dirty from playing outdoor just look at some kids nails it is revolting.

This is certainly a battle that should be picked. It is basic

"This thread genuinely has me baffled- especially the debate over how frequently the kids should be bathed- it’s completely irrelevant."

How is this irrelevant, when the point of the complaint is that the children are not being bathed as often as OP likes? How frequently kids should be bathed is the whole point of this thread and therefore the only relevant thing. Apart from brushing teeth, of course, but everyone here agrees on this part anyway.

@tinyvulture Why do you need your ex's permission to braid your daughter's hair?

How is this irrelevant, when the point of the complaint is that the children are not being bathed as often as OP likes?

If he had an objection to daily baths surely he would have spoken with OP about it years ago - maybe when they were still together?

If not, maybe he's just a careless and lazy parent who cbf maintaining his kids' basic standards because OP will carry his weight.

It's not really just about the bathing.

He wouldn't need to discuss it. As a parent if he looks at his children and decides that they do not need to be bathed at that time he has made his decision.

Sorry for disappearing off. Kids are 3 and 6 years old. I wash them every other day unless filthy, so they had gone three days without washing. Kids dropped off to his mother Saturday morning so no teeth brushed since Saturday morning to Sunday night. What bugs me is that its the second time its happened and it was a major inconvenience for me to drive them 40 mins home to wash them and get them into bed which extended bedtime. If I had known I would have taken pj's to my parents and washed them there.

@ravenmum separated 2 years. Kids picked up Friday from school/nursery as it was his weekend. As it was his weekend it was up to him to make childcare arrangements if he wanted to go out, which was to his mum Saturday afternoon until Sunday afternoon. Kids then dropped to my parents Sunday where I was for Sunday dinner, which they do every week and sometimes my ex stays for dinner too. This is our usual routine besides them staying with his mum. They know his mum well and happy to have sleep overs with her.

@Sunshine93 what can’t you believe? The grandparents took responsibility for the kids for the night and will have been aware that there was no toothbrush. What makes it ok for them to not bother going to the shop and picking up a toothbrush? The father is clearly in pole position here but ffs if a kid comes to my house on a sleepover without basic items like a toothbrush, I go and get one for them, has happened several times. No big deal. Why can’t the grandparents take responsibility for their own grandkids’ teeth when they taking care of them?

The kids were with their nan 24 hours so missed two teeth brushings. I always make sure the kids are washed Thursday night, so my ex can start the weekend with clean children and doesn't have to worry, sometimes he can be picking kids Friday evening at bedtime so I know it's not ideal for him to wash them then, so I make sure they are washed before collection. He never usually goes out when he has them and I have no issue with that, as long as he makes childcare arrangements like I would if it was my time to have them. I'm going to try and have a proper chat with him over the phone rather than text, so it doesn't happen again. He has them two days out of fourteen and it's his responsibility to make sure he cares for them properly when they are in his care. My daughter has long hair and gets food in it easily, even when tied up and needs her hair washing every other day.

Sounds like the granny is as much to blame , and I agree with pp that it’s unbelievable that she didn’t nip to the shops to buy toothbrushes .

If it's the usual routine to drop the kids off with his mum occasionally then he really should have sorted out the toothbrushes by now. I'd probably Amazon the mum a ten-pack of toothbrushes and hope she got the message about how pathetic I thought her son was.

Makes a difference if the gran was on her own with the kids and only noticed the missing brushes at bedtime (in which case it's all on the son), or if there's also a grandad who could have gone to the shops, or if the gran noticed during the day but didn't bother going.