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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex husband not bathing kids

128 replies

mumhasanicebum87 · 09/09/2019 09:07

I have two kids and my ex husband has them every other weekend. Kids washed Thursday night before school and nursery and collected Friday from school/nursery. Kids dropped to my parents Sunday at 5:30 for Sunday dinner as usual and for the second time in a month they haven't been bathed all weekend. His excuse was that he didn't have them Saturday night as was out?! The children's teeth hadn't been brushed either as he forget the toothbrushes when they slept over with his mum. As the children were dropped to my parents it resulted in a mad rush to eat dinner then drive 40 mins home (youngest fell asleep in car) to then do baths and bed time, which extended bedtime by an hour and lots of tears from the toddler. I told him it wasn't on, but he just doesn't seem to think its that bad. Am I being unreasonable? We get along fine otherwise, he's a good dad, we do days out with the kids together etc

OP posts:

downbutnotout2018 · 09/09/2019 11:06

Just wash them Sunday night surely. I don't bath my kids all weekend either often. We're to busy having fun.

SimonJT · 09/09/2019 11:06

I agree children don’t actually need bathing everyday, however if that is part of the usual routine then Dad needs to follow it. Young children in particular feel comfortable when their routine is maintained, Dad needs to but his childs interests first, not his own.

lovemenorca · 09/09/2019 11:07

If he’s not going to do it, ask him to drop y your parents one hour earlier

Your parents then get to enjoy bath time with them

And it’s a win win

If he’d rather not, then he bathes

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/09/2019 11:11

It's part of the work of raising children to bathe them and make sure they brush their teeth. It needs to be done. The EXH by not doing this is simply making more work for the OP. It's the same old story. He thinks this is wimmin's work and not worthy of his manly dick or beneath him or whatever (like most work involving children or keeping house or remembering birthdays).

lovemenorca · 09/09/2019 11:11

I also have a very good relationship with my ex and we co parent well together

It does mean sucking up things that aren’t ideal but the bigger picture is so so much more important

cardamoncoffee · 09/09/2019 11:11

I am a SW and mine never got bathed over the weekend, this is a complete non issue as long as they are clean (they were bathed on the Thursday so unless they have been rolling in mud they will be clean) and have clean clothes on. The tooth brushing is an issue over a period of time. He may have toothbrushes for them at his house though?

ravenmum · 09/09/2019 11:14

Have you been separated long or are you still working on the arrangements? From Thursday to Sunday the kids have been with you, him, his mum, your mum and back to you? Sounds like a bit of a mad weekend, presumably not the long-term, established routine? And they only missed brushing while at his mum's?

The brushing teeth would still annoy me - I'd make sure they just had their own brushes at every place if this is going to happen on any kind of regular basis.

AtillatheHun · 09/09/2019 11:15

@JingsMahBucket she took them to stay the night and should have realised that they didn't have toothbrushes. I'm sure she could have magiked a couple up without too much difficulty.
@endofthelinefinally - in the OP

Aprillygirl · 09/09/2019 11:15

The not bathing will not kill them, but lack of regular brushing can do long term damage to the teeth, especially if their dad treats them with chocolate and sweets as absent parents tend to do. Get some cheap packs of toothbrushes to keep at their dads and grandparents and pop a peg on your nose when they get home next Sunday

HumphreyCobblers · 09/09/2019 11:16

The bathing is not ideal but not the end of the world, but no teeth cleaning is awful. He could easily have bought toothbrushes and certainly should have.

olivesnutsandcheese · 09/09/2019 11:16

So he couldn't be bothered to bath them Friday evening or Saturday morning or even Saturday afternoon before he dropped them at his mums. He didn't pack toothbrushes or bother to buy some to keep at his mums. His mum didn't bath them Saturday evening or sunday morning.
Then you have to have a delayed bedtime on a school night to make sure they were clean for school. It would be a little less unreasonable if he'd spent the whole weekend having a lovely time with them and just ran out of time but it sounds like the weekend actually revolved around his going out on Saturday evening plans. Pretty poor effort really. I think most people would take a dim view. I know you should pick your battles but this is basic care. Did he forget to brush his teeth before he went out? I doubt it. You should have a proper chat with him about putting their needs first because judging by that weekend he is clearly not.

crispysausagerolls · 09/09/2019 11:18

cardamoncoffee

Lol - being a social worker doesn’t mean that you are somehow the oracle about whether or not a child should be washed/teeth brushed.

I don’t understand people who think children don’t need washing, but fine - I think we can all agree their teeth most certainly do need brushing 2 x a day and it’s disgusting and negligent not doing it. Agree with the poster above it’s part of being a good parent.

Also LOL at the PP having “too much fun” to make their children bathe etc.

It’s extremely obvious from looking at children which ones are taken care of in this way and which ones aren’t.

HoppingPavlova · 09/09/2019 11:24

I probably couldn’t get worked up over this. As long as bums are clean if in nappies they are fine. My baby was in hospital for several months after birth and one of the first things they told me was to let things slide with the toddler as long as bum clean and they not covered in vomit, it’s really hard to kill a kid with dirt. They said aim for a once a week bath as long as bum clean and face kept okay with quick wipe over with flannel once a day or more often if snotty nose and at an age when they can’t use a tissue. Mine lived.

When another got a little older they had eczema and the bath would really irritate it so we aimed for twice weekly there.

Also, hate to tell you but if this irritates you just wait until the teenage years if you have a boy.

SmartPlay · 09/09/2019 11:25

Having a bath or shower every day is neither necessary (unless sweating or actually dirty) nor healthy. For most children a shower twice a week is complete sufficient, until they start puberty. For babies and toddlers even once a week is enough.

Brushing teeth is a different thing, since it's a health issue. But I don't really understand this part of the post: It sounds like their teeth hasn't been brushed at all, but that this is due to them sleeping over at his mum's on Saturday - what about Friday night and Saturday morning then?
If this is a first, then I wouldn't worry too much, just suggest the kids have toothbrushes at his mum's place as well.

I also don't understand why this caused such a delay in your schedule. It sounds like you expect them to be bathed every day, so either way you'd have bathed them Sunday evening. And if you din't plan to bath them then, even an unplanned washing wouldn't take that long - 5 minutes in the shower, 2 minutes to dry them, you don't need more time than that. How does that cause an hour delay?

CheerfulMuddler · 09/09/2019 11:31

As long as he's topping and tailing the toddler, I wouldn't worry too much about the baths.

And the teeth isn't 'regularly doesn't brush them for a whole weekend', is it? It's 'didn't brush them this once on Saturday night and Sunday morning because they stayed over at his mums and he forgot the toothbrushes'. Presumably he brushed them Friday night and Saturday morning.

I think YABU - it's not a big deal. If he never brushed their teeth the entire time they were there, I'd be having words, but forgetting to a pack a toothbrush for a night away isn't the end of the world. He's a good dad generally - concentrate on that and pick your battles.

Cocobean30 · 09/09/2019 11:34

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. My sisters ex doesn’t bathe the kids when they are there or give them clothes, they return unwashed with a bag of dirty clothes. It’s just laziness on his part and I don’t think it’s acceptable. However if this is the first time I would let it slide as soon as it doesn’t happen again.

Lots of people on here think it’s fine but how would they personally feel if they went 3 days without brushing their teeth - bloody gross I would imagine! And it doesn’t teach the kids high self esteem

Contraceptionismyfriend · 09/09/2019 11:38

Not brushing their teeth isn't on. That should always happen.

However YABU over the bath. If they didn't need one then that's it.
Bathing to much is not good and can cause damage to skin.

BlingLoving · 09/09/2019 11:40

Personally, I think this is pretty unacceptable, especially if it's happening often.

The bathing thing, it could be argued, is okay as lots of people don't bath their children that often. However, personally, I think that not bathing them for three days is way too long. Children get dirty and they don't clean their hands and bums early well enough and quite frankly, a thorough dunking in the bath at least once every two days feels important.

As for the teeth brushing, that's four out of 14 times a week that he's allowed the kids to skip. That's way tooo high. It's one thing to have a bit of a late night now and again and let kids crawl into bed or rush out in the morning forgetting. Completely another to be skipping nearly 1/3 of their teeth brushing opportunities.

I wouldn't be going ballistic, but I'd certainly be telling him this isn't okay and is not good for the children. It's not about you. It's about them and their hygiene and long term health.

PumpkinP · 09/09/2019 11:43

Bath thing wouldn’t bother me, I certainly don’t bath mine every day

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2019 11:44

Drop off sounds too late for a toddler especially if they haven’t eaten, need a bath and 40 min drive home. I wouldn’t have woken them for a bath though.

Why can’t he drop them at your house? Or earlier at your mums? After lunch would be good for example if it’s at your mums house.

StarlingsInSummer · 09/09/2019 11:51

I think washing and cleaning the teeth of your children is basic parenting, surely. If he refuses to bother every weekend, I’d say that was a sign he’s a pretty crappy dad, regardless of how good he is at the rest of it. It’s a pretty low bar.

Blueoasis · 09/09/2019 11:55

Wow surprised at the low standards people on here for this 'dad'.

All I can say is thank god the kids have op has a full time parent and only dad as a Disney dad. God knows how bad they'd be if he was there full time.

KUGA · 09/09/2019 11:57

It isnt acceptable but not worth an argument either. Hes your x for a reason haha.

TriciaH87 · 09/09/2019 11:58

In regards to teeth why not get them some extra tooth brushes and tooth paste. My kids both have a set at grandparents houses just incase of impromptu sleepovers. One set at dad's one at grans that's sorted. Re bath it won't kill them but he could have done so Sunday morning or asked his mum to do it.

dottiedodah · 09/09/2019 11:58

I think they have been washed on a Thursday evening by OP .then have to wait until Sunday night ,which is really 3 whole days .Surely the point here is that he cant be arsed to do basic cleaning stuff .The facts of leaving teeth unbrushed for the second time in a month ,means thats 4 days of not cleaning teeth/being washed properly!.I would buy some cheap toothbrushes and some toothpaste and give it to him to keep at his Mums .Explain to him that Bathing is essential for children and not keeping them clean could be seen as neglect !.Hopefully that will be enough to scare him into performing their ablutions!

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