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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex husband not bathing kids

128 replies

mumhasanicebum87 · 09/09/2019 09:07

I have two kids and my ex husband has them every other weekend. Kids washed Thursday night before school and nursery and collected Friday from school/nursery. Kids dropped to my parents Sunday at 5:30 for Sunday dinner as usual and for the second time in a month they haven't been bathed all weekend. His excuse was that he didn't have them Saturday night as was out?! The children's teeth hadn't been brushed either as he forget the toothbrushes when they slept over with his mum. As the children were dropped to my parents it resulted in a mad rush to eat dinner then drive 40 mins home (youngest fell asleep in car) to then do baths and bed time, which extended bedtime by an hour and lots of tears from the toddler. I told him it wasn't on, but he just doesn't seem to think its that bad. Am I being unreasonable? We get along fine otherwise, he's a good dad, we do days out with the kids together etc

OP posts:

JemSynergy · 09/09/2019 12:11

Teeth brushing would irritate me but I'd just mention it without a huge fuss. The bathing not going to kill them. I'd choose my battles for a stress free life tbh.

Toastymash · 09/09/2019 12:24

I don't think the bath is a big deal but not brushing their teeth really isn't ok

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 09/09/2019 12:34

Why would he go out on Saturday and miss bath/bedtime? Why not go out after they are in bed (I am presuming Granny babysits)? He’s not showing much interest in them is he?
Why could Granny not give them a bath?
How hard is it to buy a new toothbrush if you forget yours?

That said, you complain about the rushing home and delayed bedtime on Sunday, but would you not normally bathe them on a Sunday night regardless of whether they’d had a bath on Saturday? What if they had been out with him having messy fun (sandpit, muddy walk etc) on the Sunday before drop off? Or toddler got his Sunday dinner in his hair?

Maryann1975 · 09/09/2019 12:39

Reading stuff like this makes me so cross- he’s a parent not a babysitter- he has to parent, not do the fun stuff and just dump them on you to do the actual work. It’s not ‘good parent who forgets sometimes’ it’s ‘lazy parent who knows you’ll do it because he can’t be arsed’.
^^i think this comment from page 1 completely sums it up. Why should be bother, because he knows you will bath the dc when you get them back. Presumably he doesn’t know that the dc were bathed on Thursday? What if you did the same on your days and didn’t bath them for 3 days, they’d never get a bath and would sink lower and lower in to becoming a neglect case. The social workers would then be all over you like a rash!

endofthelinefinally · 09/09/2019 12:40

It is a shame he goes out on the Saturday when he only sees them every other weekend. Is this a regular thing OP? If so, added to the fact that he can't be bothered to wash them or take care of their teeth, it seems like he doesn't care much.
That would be the thing that concerned me.

seasidequayside · 09/09/2019 12:50

Explain to him that Bathing is essential for children and not keeping them clean could be seen as neglect !

I'd love to hear what Social Services say when the OP reports her ex for the shocking neglect of going 2 days without bathing their children . A couple of generations ago, it was common to just have a daily flannel wash and a weekly bath. I used to bath my (now teenage) children 2 or 3 times a week when they were younger. Unless they are covered in mud/paint/food, what on earth is neglectful about missing a bath?

I'd be more concerned about missing toothbrushing if it happens regularly, as it is harmful if they've eaten something sweet or acidic & I suppose it's likely they've had treats if with grandparents. It would certainly be a good idea to have spare toothbrushes at ex-MIL's house.

cardamoncoffee · 09/09/2019 12:50

crispysausagerolls

Lol - being a social worker doesn’t mean that you are somehow the oracle about whether or not a child should be washed/teeth brushed

No one is claiming to be an oracle, I am merely countering the neglect and 'basic hygiene' claims that posters are making. A court would not be interested in this, unless the children were dirty/suffering from tooth decay (which they probably will get over time and I said it is wrong) OP is assuming the teeth weren't brushed but he might have toothbrushes at his house.

Aprillygirl · 09/09/2019 12:50

Lol - being a social worker doesn’t mean that you are somehow the oracle about whether or not a child should be washed/teeth brushed.

When hysterical posters are throwing around words like 'neglect' (which would mean a call to social services would be in order) then the perceptive of an actual SW is quite important I'd say.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 09/09/2019 12:55

Did he do bathtimes when you were together or did it always fall to you? (I can guess the answer..)

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 09/09/2019 13:00

OP is assuming the teeth weren't brushed but he might have toothbrushes at his house.

@cardamoncoffee having toothbrushes at his house is the most basic of basic requirements when his kids stay there regularly. The issue here was that they went to Granny’s and forgot to take the toothbrushes. However they could have bought some so it’s a crap excuse.

As for the OP assuming anything about whether or not teeth were brushed, one of the kids is school-aged- he/she will be perfectly capable of telling OP whether or not he/she brushed his/her teeth that day. She doesn’t have to assume anything. Presumably the child also explained about the toothbrushes being left behind at Dad’s ie parroting Dad’s crap excuse.

heyduggeedude · 09/09/2019 13:01

@crispysausagerolls
I guarantee you would have no idea when my child's last bath was by looking at them, stop chatting utter nonsense.
My parents generation bathed once a week as kids in their tin bath in front of the fire. They don't look dirty on any of their photographs etc and guess what- it didn't kill them either.

june2007 · 09/09/2019 13:16

So he forot the tooth brushes so couldn't do the teath right. Not good but if this is a one off then wouldn't be too bothered but next time say to him can he makes sure the children do their teath? A couple of days with out a bath isn't too much of an issue, but this might be signs of other poor parenting.

ravenmum · 09/09/2019 13:29

The lack of tooth brushing was only at his mum's house, not the entire weekend. Presumably his mum only realised the brushes were missing when she went to put them to bed and it was too late to go out to the shops.

blackcat86 · 09/09/2019 13:37

I think this pretty awful and shouldnt be minimised particularly with a toddler who is likely to be covered in dirt and food, and who cant do personal care for themselves. Not brushing teeth for over 2 days is horrendous and my toddler would be filthy in that time. Also it's the principle isn't it because he couldn't be bothered. If they evacuated because of fire or flood etc then I would feel differently than him just being a lazy dad who couldn't pick up new toothbrushes

Notcontent · 09/09/2019 15:41

Sorry to say this, but if they are not bathing/showering or brushing their teeth then they are unlikely to have had the famous sink wash that a lot of people on mumsnet seem to favour. Which means that they will be rather dirty... Children may not get sweaty, but their bottom areas get pretty stinky and yes, they do need a wash...

crispysausagerolls · 09/09/2019 15:45

notcontent

Strongly agree

RandomFactor · 09/09/2019 15:49

I get that it is annoying, but it's a case of picking your battles. The bathing thing would not bother me - my kids didn't have a bath or shower every single night when they were little. Back in the 1970's when I was growing up, 'bath night' was once a week! The teeth is hardly ideal - children need to get themselves into a routine of brushing, but it's not the end of the world as a one-off. It is fairly slack parenting though, and possible done as a passive-aggressive means of annoying you ?

Gooseygoosey12345 · 09/09/2019 16:02

Bath isn't the end of the world, if you're rushing can't you bath them at DMs before you drive home? Teeth is non-negotiable for me though. He needs to buy spare toothbrushes, they're not expensive, and it takes 2 minutes.

LaBelleSauvage · 09/09/2019 16:12

Both would annoy me. Thursday night to Sunday night is 3 full days between baths. If he was going to skip Friday's bath he should have bathed them Saturday before he left or at the very very least on Sunday morning.

It's pretty basic and he needs to buck his ideas up. As others have said- he's a parent not a babysitter.

LaBelleSauvage · 09/09/2019 16:16

His mum would have realised at night there were no toothbrushes. He should have dropped some off in the morning once shops opened. Or she could have picked some up. It wasn't a 'one off' it was night AND morning when he had them all day Sunday too.

SunshineCake · 09/09/2019 17:49

So he gets to have a pass because he went out and doesn't think he should buy toothbrushes and it's pick your battles time? Low bars all round then.

Bath not needed every day but teeth cleaning should be non negotiable.

73Sunglasslover · 09/09/2019 19:03

Not all parents would bath their kids between Friday morning and Sunday evening. Teeth cleaning is an issue most people would agree with are you sure other brushes were not used? The fact that the brushes weren't taken doesn't show that they didn't have their teeth cleaned. Having dinner at yours mums when you have a long drive home is always going to be a logicstical challenge but it is your challenge and shouldn't necessarily affects your ex. Can you bath them at your mums if you feel they can't wait until the morning and then put them in PJs and drive home with them asleep? I think you might need to pick your battles TBH.

JingsMahBucket · 09/09/2019 19:11

Why do so many parents on this thread have such low bars for hygiene? It is not okay for little kids to go 3 days without a bath.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 09/09/2019 19:17

It's perfectly fine to go three days without a bath.

MoonageDaydreamz · 09/09/2019 19:23

I'm so surprised that so many people say pick your battles on this. Being a parent is more than just returning them back after the weekend still alive. Why should OP be the one that picks up the slack because her ex can't be arsed to even bath his children. What if she fancied an easy night on the Sunday... Oh no she can't because her children haven't been bathed in 72 hours.

It doesn't matter that in the 70s (!) bath time was once a week. 50 years later most kids have a bath every night as part of their routine, because it's nicer not to go to bed dirty, it settles them to sleep, it's fun, it's interaction time with parents etc.

I think if he skipped out one night then don't sweat it, but both nights is just lazy.

And the toothbrushing, there's no excuse for that. Did in laws really not have a spare toothbrush they could share, even if it was an adult one?

The whole picture isn't great is it -

They return not having been washed (and I doubt he did a top and tail with flannel either)
Teeth not brushed one night as he didn't bother to make sure there was a toothbrush
Went out rather than looking after his kids even though he only sees them EOW

But people still say pick your battles. I'd be furious even about one of those things.

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