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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex husband not bathing kids

128 replies

mumhasanicebum87 · 09/09/2019 09:07

I have two kids and my ex husband has them every other weekend. Kids washed Thursday night before school and nursery and collected Friday from school/nursery. Kids dropped to my parents Sunday at 5:30 for Sunday dinner as usual and for the second time in a month they haven't been bathed all weekend. His excuse was that he didn't have them Saturday night as was out?! The children's teeth hadn't been brushed either as he forget the toothbrushes when they slept over with his mum. As the children were dropped to my parents it resulted in a mad rush to eat dinner then drive 40 mins home (youngest fell asleep in car) to then do baths and bed time, which extended bedtime by an hour and lots of tears from the toddler. I told him it wasn't on, but he just doesn't seem to think its that bad. Am I being unreasonable? We get along fine otherwise, he's a good dad, we do days out with the kids together etc

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 09/09/2019 10:04

Who was looking after your DC on the Saturday night when he was "out"?
Or was he out with the DC?

whattodowith · 09/09/2019 10:06

The toothbrushing is bad, bathing not so much. Children don’t need to be bathed every day and I don’t think missing two days will kill them.

lyingwanker · 09/09/2019 10:09

If this was just a one off then that's fine. I've had things crop up and the kids have missed a bath or it's slipped my mind to cut their nails or we've rushed out of the house without brushing their teeth. However, if this is happening every weekend then yes, you have every right to be furious. It would be very very lazy parenting and he's just picking the fun parts like a fun weekend at uncles house.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 09/09/2019 10:10

My ex didn't either, or change their clothes at all. Was probably a good thing when he decided to did off to live in another country

I don't think them missing baths is a huge deal, maybe they should come back to.you earlier on Sundays

HappyHammy · 09/09/2019 10:10

Were they all out together on Saturday night, it might be too late for a bath but teeth cleaning is important. If it's going to delay bedtime in the future could they have a bath at nana.

RosaWaiting · 09/09/2019 10:22

surprised by some of these responses

he doesn't do the basics of hygiene? He's not a "good dad". Why is the bar set so low?

Trooperslaneagain · 09/09/2019 10:22

Agree with others.

DD has a bath twice a week - her skin - and mine are super dry so any more than that leaves us itchy, sore and flares up eczema. Which ends up in sores that bleed and need steroid cream.

Teeth cleaning - twice a day and non negotiable. Me and DH have so many fillings. Not happening to her if we can help it.

Cath2907 · 09/09/2019 10:25

The teeth is annoying and would piss me off. The bath isn't a big deal. Would it be the end of the world if they didn't get a bath until Monday?

ThirstyGhost · 09/09/2019 10:28

He's a disgrace.

It is ridiculous describing someone as a disgrace for what the OP has described. On Sunday night they were at their grandparents for dinner. So they didn't have a bath Friday and Saturday night - that is all. The toothbrushes he forgot as a one off thing.

I think the OP might just have her nose out of joint because of this comment, "His excuse was that he didn't have them Saturday night as was out?! ". You sound annoyed that he was out and I think you're looking for things to get niggled about because of it.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 09/09/2019 10:29

Missing the point here- it’s that he thinks it’s ok to fob these jobs off for the op to do because he can’t be arsed but knows she will get it done, with complete disregard to their routine. He’s lazy and passing the buck.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/09/2019 10:31

The thing is though that if the kids aren't bathed between Thursday night, then the OP has to rush to bath them Sunday night otherwise it would be four days between baths.

Which is surely quite a long time in this modern age. Not sure how old the kids are OP but I am sure they could do with a wash before four days!

Speak to him again about it. If he doesn't change then the kids will have to come back earlier on a Sunday but that may cock up your nice sounding routine.

Regarding the teeth, I can't believe some people on here are saying it's ok for them not to be brush for three days!! IMO that's neglect.

Span1elsRock · 09/09/2019 10:33

So the kids are going from thursday night to sunday night with no washing? That's vile OP, and adding in not brushing teeth, sorry I'd class that as bordering on neglect. That's just sheer laziness on his part, and not good enough.

everyonecaneffoff · 09/09/2019 10:41

Not brushing teeth for that long is really bad. It's from Friday to Sunday - so 3 days. That's far too long and will lead to tooth decay if this continues on a regular basis.
He needs to be told that this is really bad.
Could they have a spare set of toothbrushes left at his Mum's so there's no chance of them being forgotten anywhere?

The bathing thing isn't ideal at all and I'd not be happy about that either. But I'd focus your efforts on ensuring the tooth brushing incident doesn't occur again.

I think if he can't ensure his children clean their teeth twice a day then he isn't really fit to be taking care of them.

JingsMahBucket · 09/09/2019 10:46

This is gross and some posters have low standards. If he forgot the toothbrushes, then he should just buy new ones FFS. There’s a Boots or Poundland practically on every corner. You don’t just skip brushing the kids’ teeth for two days. This isn’t rocket science!

Same thing with bathing. Depending on age, some kids get filthy and aren’t that great at bottom wiping yet as another poster pointed out. Something tells me if he’s lax in other areas of hygiene, he’s not paying attention to their bums either. This guy’s a waste of oxygen and he’s not a good dad. Seriously, some posters need to raise their standards.

JingsMahBucket · 09/09/2019 10:49

Three days, sorry, I miscalculated because I was so annoyed by some of the equally lax responses here! I also agree that this feels like neglect. Or what’s that term again, “deliberate helplessness “? He’s feigning like he can’t things right and is not getting his shit together.

Crockof · 09/09/2019 10:52

Teeth brushing is not three days as he left them at his mums, so I assume the kids were at his Mums Saturday night. However if it's regular then it needs a word about.

Ask him to either bath them on a Sunday or drop them at your parents earlier and bath them there as a pp suggested.

crispysausagerolls · 09/09/2019 10:52

My father does (or rather doesn’t do..) this with my much younger half siblings: people saying is acceptable, it’s not! My half siblings stink after 2 days at his, their hair is straggly and frankly it reeks of neglect. It’s horrible and unacceptable and lazy.

Yuck.

Caspianberg · 09/09/2019 10:53

Its not great. Could he not have bathed them Sunday morning?

Oysterbabe · 09/09/2019 10:55

I agree with most, I would be annoyed about the teeth but not care that much about the bath. I don't always bath mine every day if they aren't too grubby and are very tired.

AtillatheHun · 09/09/2019 10:59

what's wrong with his mother that she couldn't bathe them or provide a toothbrush? she's equally to blame on that one.

MerryChristmasHarry · 09/09/2019 11:00

How old is the eldest? If they're under around 8 or 9, I would focus on where you're definitely right, ie the teeth. Because reasonable opinion varies on how frequently children need bathing before pre-puberty kicks in, however many MNers will argue the toss about that. But reasonable opinion does not vary on the need to brush teeth twice a day.

endofthelinefinally · 09/09/2019 11:01

Where does OP say that the dc were at his mother's house?

YouJustDoYou · 09/09/2019 11:02

He's not a "good" dad/parent if he can't be bothered to do basic hygiene for his own children.

JingsMahBucket · 09/09/2019 11:02

@AtillatheHun it’s not the grandmother’s responsibility! Why blame this old woman when it’s the man’s responsibility to take care of his own kids??

endofthelinefinally · 09/09/2019 11:03

Oh. sorry I just spotted the bit about the sleep over with his mum.
Yes, she should have done the basics.

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