I find people's needs for updates uncomfortable

[fallacy]

You know when posters hound an OP for updates days after the original post? It's so weird, like they're there, waiting and salivating for more gossip under the guise of 'being worried [they're] ok'.

Aibu?

Sorry sarcelle, I'm sure you're not cunty. I was waiting for an emergency dentist appointment at the time so was not feeling at my most eloquent 😆

No I’m just a nosey mare get over it

It’s not actually an amazing idea to start massive feuds with people in your life even when they’re being out of order. It’s not a normal thing to do, end a friendship over something that could just innocently be a poorly worded text or a misunderstanding. I always assume that people who egg others on to do over dramatic shit on these type of threads must be very lonely and dysfunctional

Ditto a lot of the LTB stuff. Sometimes fully justified but often there is no recognition that, in the course of a long marriage/relationship, there will be times when both of you are twats to the other. As a friend of mine says, 'I thought I was a nice person till I got married' . Of course, sometimes 'normal' bad behaviour - like shouting - in a marriage is actually part of a pattern of abuse, but often it's just one or both of you being tired/stressed/a bit twattish. The woman then posts on MN to let off steam and is told she is being abused, that her DH/DP is totally in the wrong etc etc, even if she says that whatever just happened is totally out of character, or that she was shouting/swearing at him too.

I suspect that lots of the posters egging on an OP to dump her partner are/were in unhappy relationships themselves and are seeking validation by characterising everyone else's relationship as equally troubled.

The thing is though, if the OP didn’t want the story on here in the first place they shouldn’t have posted it. Surely that’s basic common sense.

To post a thread which grows to several pages and then to elicit cheerleaders and handwringers by posting breathless real-time updates to keep everyone apprised of the ongoing situation is the OP’s choice. No one has forced them to spill every detail of their life on a a message board.

I find it rather disingenuous to post a thread like this complaining about people asking for updates, when it’s what keeps these threads going. If the OP doesn’t want that kind of thread, there are plenty of alternatives. Don’t post in AIBU for a start, put it in 30 days only. Post a disclaimer saying you won’t be able to update much. Don’t stoke the fires by answering every single question with 1000 word essays then not coming back for 2 days. Don’t apply stupid acronyms to the “cast” of your “story”.

Mumsnet isn't TV, It isn't carefully scripted stories with characters who grow and change and a nice pat ending.

Well, tbf, it probably often is carefully scripted. A great many threads are obviously largely or wholly invention.

There are some threads where I think it's fine. A lot are very personal and sad, but in threads like the "church noise" one that's running now, or ones regarding a specific event, I don't think it's insensitive to ask the OP "what happened when you met with the minister?" or whatever. I get more annoyed that you have to scroll through loads of people pestering for an update to see if there actually is an update

Totally agree OP

For me it’s all the abuse some posters get, with other posters twisting themselves further in to rage by basically making up a narrative of how they think it must have gone next. Then lots of “oh I see the OP hasn’t come back then ” posts

Why would the OP come back for a double dose of abuse?

I don't think OP is coming back

FWIW, in your shoes OP I would report these people to 112, so it's logged. For future reference

Also, a tinkly little laugh and a head-tilt whilst saying "Did you mean to be so rude" is always very successful. I use it in business meetings a lot.

But in this case, I would directly PM the people who do this and tell them exactly why what they are doing is rude and why. Then report them to MNHQ as well! Let us know how you get on with that!

Any updates OP?

OP:
It’s more weird when people who have posted for help or advice don’t have the manners to update those who have tried to help them.

Expecting an update is not at all weird.

It’s human nature to want to know what happened but I have to laugh at all these ‘how are you doing OP’ posts. Nosiness disguised as concern.

@fallacy - I think of MN as a group conversation where the OP can pop in and out of the conversation as the rest of the group can carry on the chat.
If the OP of a thread was looking for advice, they may pop out of the conversation to perhaps implement some of said advice. They may pop in and report back saying "That didn't work, any other suggestions?" for whatever predicament they may find themselves in.
It's a living conversation for as long as it is needed.
If the OP was having a 'Woe is me...can anyone offer advice' type of conversation (irrespective of the section it's posted on in MN) and then doesn't come back saying "That worked" or "Situation sorted" or some other form of closure, of course people are going to be interested to find out if the situation is sorted or if one of the suggestions worked for that person. It's only natural.

Just my take on it.

And yes, I did post and tag the OP of a thread that had reached capacity about a situation that was left in limbo. There wasn't any closure on that thread and it's only natural to want some.

'Real life doesn’t happen in a handy thread sized time scale.'

Agree with MadameButterface. If it does happen in a handy thread sized time scale, it's usually a troll, often stringing everyone along for attention.

Nosiness disguised as concern.

Not always. I have occasionally asked for an update but only where a thread has resonated with me or the OP has been on my mind.

Yes it’s annoying.

Nosiness disguised as concern.

You'll get one person bumping a thread and suddenly half a dozen more will suddenly pop up to claim they had also been worried about OP since they posted too.

Mmm yeah, so much on your mind it took someone else to reactivate the thread to remind you about it.

3 pages in now, do you have an update OP? I'm wondering if your opinion has changed now.

It’s social media....if you choose to post your problems & worries on it, you’re asking for people to comment. There are lovely people in the world & horrible people in the world & it’s not possible to filter them out in the responses you receive. If you post a request and people respond, then they’re going to wonder how things turned out. I never comment unless I can add anything useful, I don’t placemark & don’t request updates but I do wonder how things have turned out for people as it’s good to know that someone may have found advice given helpful. Personally, I don’t go back to threads where the comments are turning unpleasant as life is just too short.

I think sometimes it's nice to hear how a situation pans out, especially if it turns out well. And people are curious...

I don't need to know the outcome. I just give my take on it thinking that the OP will hopefully make up their own minds just with taking others opinions into consideration. A bit like asking your rl friends but without them being peed off if you don't do what they say. Some posters are a bit harsh and not always helpful. If someone is that desperate to ask on here on a serious subject then they must be quite fragile.

Sometimes people are genuinely concerned for the OP - I'm thinking of the DV situations, coping with grief or when someone is seriously injured/ill and don't update to say if they got the medical attention they needed. In those instances I can believe that at least some people's intentions are caring.

In most other situations I think people are just being nosey and treating it like a story in Take a Break.

Nope opinion definitely not changed!

I still think people are sad and desperate if they ask for updates

Ooh, tell you what though - how intriguing is it when a zombie thread comes up several years later - it would be great to know how events panned out! Somehow especially when it's something silly and inconsequential.

*I think that's a reflection of your mentality. It is beyond your ken, it seems, to believe people can genuinely reach out to a stranger and say, 'hope you're doing okay', one person to another, without thinking it's a disingenuous attempt to prise more gossip.
Maybe, it is sometimes. Who knows? But if I enquire about someone's well being or just send good wishes, it isn't an attempt to get an update (often there is no running saga just a person who asks for emotional support or advice at a difficult time).

From your perspective, that's sad and desperate and disingenuous.

But, you are judging others' intentions from your own perspective! It says more about you than them!*

I agree that I'm cynical but it's a leap to call me sad and desperate.