I find people's needs for updates uncomfortable

[fallacy]

You know when posters hound an OP for updates days after the original post? It's so weird, like they're there, waiting and salivating for more gossip under the guise of 'being worried [they're] ok'.

Aibu?

Completely agree, OP.

And there are far too many blasé, "just send them a text saying xxxxx" type posts in response to people talking about serious situations which need a considered, thoughtful response.

Lots of people on MN love the drama and don't actuality care about people's real life issues; it's just a soap opera and they want to be entertained.

@OMGshefoundmeout Mon 09-Sep-19 08:37:34
I agree. I also find it annoying when people post ‘place marking’ with an amusing emoticon instead of just watching the thread.

I can't 'watch' threads from the app. I can only bookmark posts but that doesn't put the thread into 'watched threads' or 'threads I'm on'. I comment, not just write 'placemarking' but this could be why people do it.

@ElizaDee you can 'watch' on the app. Swipe the blue bar with the thread title, rather than the OP.

I'm a bit nauseated by CF threads where posters compete in winding the OP up and telling them that they are 1000% reasonable and that the other person should go die in a bin.

Composing sassy responses designed to escalate the situation, inventing new layers and levels of outrage for the OP to feel upset about, and generally winding the whole situation up for the sake of spectator kicks.

I have frequently commented along the lines of 'Hmm, yes, does sound a bit cheeky, but do you really want the faff of (crazy, inflammatory suggestion)? Maybe you should (moderate, situation defusing, boundary resetting suggestion)?'

Only to be torn to shreds for not being all 'you go girl' at someone's real life drama!

What I find weird is when a poster receives a lot of really critical responses - and I don’t mean firmly worded or expressing an unpopular view, I mean the ‘you are an enabling f..... etc’ ones - and then there are surprised ‘why no update’ posts.

I do like it when people post an update and might do a ‘hope you are ok’ but would not ask for an update.

What if they are experiencing something similar?

I think the hounding for updates is awful but I do love reading a positive update.
It’s really lovely when the thread has helped someone and they’ve managed to improve their situation.
Likewise, if they’re still having difficulties, then further advice and support is always good.

@AmIThough Mon 09-Sep-19 09:52:36
ElizaDee you can 'watch' on the app. Swipe the blue bar with the thread title, rather than the OP.

Just tried it! Thank you :)

I wouldn't ask for one but do sometimes wonder whether a poster is okay when they have posted about difficult circumstances. Think it's just part of my nature.

YANBU. It's unpleasant. Demanding someone in a crap situation update says a lot about the levels of empathy absent in some folk.

The kind of person puts something like 'OP where are yoooooou!' on a thread about an abusive partner, family breakdown, illness or bullying needs to have a word with themself.

For every ten fictional threads there will be one where MN may be the posters only source of support.

“I'm a bit nauseated by CF threads where posters compete in winding the OP up and telling them that they are 1000% reasonable and that the other person should go die in a bin”

Oh god YES @thecatsthecats 👏🏻

It’s not actually an amazing idea to start massive feuds with people in your life even when they’re being out of order. It’s not a normal thing to do, end a friendship over something that could just innocently be a poorly worded text or a misunderstanding. I always assume that people who egg others on to do over dramatic shit on these type of threads must be very lonely and dysfunctional

It’s not actually an amazing idea to start massive feuds with people in your life even when they’re being out of order. It’s not a normal thing to do, end a friendship over something that could just innocently be a poorly worded text or a misunderstanding. I always assume that people who egg others on to do over dramatic shit on these type of threads must be very lonely and dysfunctional

Sadly I have seen this effect in real life too. My friend was going through a rough break up, and her ex was aggravating her by text. He was out of her life, they were in the process of making financial arrangements for the house they co-owned. Our other friend was composing sassy texts in reply and egging her on to send them.

Was he a shithead? Absolutely. Was her life made any better or easier at that point by arguing the finer details of his shittery over text? No. And my friend was no angel in the break up either.

But I AM worried about the lady with the crazy stalker colleague.

Indeed. But when dealing with that situation it's a very idea to have any information circulating - on the internet or otherwise - because a response of any kind only serves to inflame and encourage the stalker. A stalker's primary goal is to make his/her presence felt, and to illicit a response. It doesn't matter much what form the response takes. You have to completely deprive the stalker of their oxygen.

Most of these cases end up requiring legal intervention, in which case having information hanging around online could prejudice proceedings.

The 'place marking' thing I've never understood, when there's a clear 'Watch this Thread' option.

IMO when a thread runs out of steam it's dead, no matter how many people post asking for 'updates'.

@fallacy I think the real question for you, is why are you on MN anyway Rather than focusing on why people ask for updates, the real question is why people post or perhaps reply to posts.

For some it's a source of real help if they want practical advice but for others it is a spectator sport and 'entertainment'.

Maybe instead of focusing on one small issue, you should be asking why you are here and what you get out of it?

It's an anon forum out there in cyberspace.

Everyone is anon.

To me, it allows people with an 'agony aunt' mentality who want to add their twopennethworth .

Everyone who posts is invested.

Sorry to sound like a sanctimonious twat, to continue, but when someone does me wrong, I seethe, grieve, then silently redraw the boundaries. I don't go in demanding reparations, draw other people into the fight, or trying to engineer apologies or changes in behaviour from people (what's the point if they don't mean them?).

agree, it is unnecessary. hounding posters for information, giving advice and then criticizing if they dont take said advice immediately.

Cats I don’t think you sound sanctimonious. Mn is supposedly to ‘make parents’ lives easier’ and i absolutely fail to see how posters encouraging people to do weird dramatic things so they can enjoy some vicarious excitement fits that remit. I’ll join you in the i might have a catsbum mouth but at least i’m a sane normal person corner

I find the have you finished it with him yet, OP ones to be particularly unsavoury. Especially when they then turn on the OP if she hasn't.

I have occasionally put a full stop to place mark. I did not know it was bad manners or "cunty" behaviour. I have never worked out how to place mark on the app, but this thread has sent me off to investigate. So, good has come out of this thread. No more cunty behaviour from me.

Those posts urging OPs to come back and update can make for unpleasant reading. You can sometimes tell it's for nosy reasons rather than concern. Although for the more trivial/funny threads it is irritating when it is left hanging.

I like to know the outcome.

I give what I consider to be sound and sensible advice or at least something for the OP to think about. So I like to know what action they took (if any) so if ever I or someone IRL was in a similar situation I could learn from what would and wouldn't help.

Sure there are some posters who push for dramatic action and relish an update as though that persons life is a soap opera. But there is also those who genuinely care, are curious, nosey or have other reasons to be emotionally invested.

God the posts here are laughable.

Is the irony not obvious?

If you post on a thread that is about something emotional, you have invested time anyway. Can't really see the difference between that and asking what's happened...

Turning it on its head- if someone is given oodles of support here, it's only polite to come back and give updates.

OP, where are you?

I find the hounding for updates incredibly tasteless, but not the ousts asking if the OP IS OK or whatever. Some people get comfort and strength from knowing random strangers care enough to ask how they’re doing. I’ve made some lively Rl friends from MNers and some of those have been from threads where the poster was in a bad place and just needed to know someone was out there thinking of them

But the blatant, just want an ending, posts are revolting!

Pls embarking on serious threads is just as bad I don’t understand how people can be so awful in the midst if someone’s distress.

@fallacy YANBU. It is a bit annoying when people nag and moan at the OP to update! Especially when it's only been several hours...

Although, as a few people have said, it is nice when people who have invested time and effort in a poster's issues, get to hear how it panned out and if things were resolved....

What annoys me MORE, is people posting on a thread, 500 posts in, without reading the full thread, and having a go at the OP when the issue was resolved 250 posts back.

There is a thread running on another board at the moment which was posted two weeks ago! (I won't say which board/which thread as people will flock to it and pile on,) but it's on another board, and is posted by a woman who had an altercation with someone.

The first 8 or 9 pages (which went on for about 3 hours,) are full of people slating her, bashing her, slagging her off, telling her she is a rude bitch, and saying she should be ashamed of herself.

Then she came back about 4 hours after posting the thread, and said the situation had been resolved, she had made amends with the person she fell out with, and that all was well. She then got 2 or 3 pages of posts (over about 2 hours,) of people saying 'well done,' and 'good for you for putting things right.'

Then every day since, at LEAST 2 or 3 posters a day are coming on the thread to slag off the poster, tell her what a cunt she is, and that she needs to explain her actions, get over herself, and stop being a batshit, unhinged arsehole.

FFS. These people doing THIS are much more of a batshit, unhinged arsehole than the OP by a country mile!