AIBU in withdrawing DS from contact rugby in junior school?

[swearymary100]

My DS attends a private school that is strong in sport. He has attended since nursery, before I knew about his non-sporty-ness!
He is 9 and in Yr 4. This academic year Rugby moves from non-contact to contact. All the kids are getting mouth guards & headgear.
My DS is tiny. He weighs 3.4 stone and is 114cm tall - about size of average 5-6 year old. He has always been small & there is no-one in his year as little.
He is into music & dance & cross-country running; he is fit & very active. He hates rugby.

So, I want to withdraw him (if school consents) from contact rugby.
The risk of concussion & injury is too high given that his head will be at the chest/shoulder height of his peers.

I have researched this issue to death & for every expert saying 'don't be bloody stupid - ban tackling in schools' there is another one saying 'it's fine, stop being a precious twat'.

I know that all activity involves risks of accidents, but rugby deliberately encourages tackling and there is impact & concussion risk.

Does anyone have experience of this & AIBU?

Size differences are no issue in football when girls play against boys. Can't see how size matters for boys either. Rugby is a bit different as you are actively trying to bring someone down.

Rugby is a bit different as you are actively trying to bring someone down

It doesn’t actually matter - technique is much more of a factor. However hesitation and nervousness is a strong reason why contact should never be compulsory.

YANBU - he's tiny and hated rugby. Being knocked over by bigger boys isn't going to help him enjoy it.

However hesitation and nervousness is a strong reason why contact should never be compulsory yes this is the same in football. Tackle with skill and confidence and you are usually fine, whatever your size. I enjoyed watching one of the tiniest girls in dds team run rings round a very large 14 year old boy yesterday!

And whilst the sessions might be compulsory, nobody does full contact without their full consent and cooperation

A child might not be the type to throw themselves into the scrum or tackle But it doesn’t stop them being tackled and ending up in a&e

When I took ds to a&e they asked what had happened he replied playing rugby blah blah and the doctor laughed and said of course it was rugby it always is and rolled his eyes

I have been in a&e on more than one occasion and seen young boys with injuries from rugby playing

It’s a really really teally sport and we have a buzzard attitude that boys should toughen up shut up and play it not all boys are rough and tough

And seems to be very popular with all schools around here

Football is a far more skilled game anyway

I wish private schools would embrace it more rather than rely on rugby. It's a snob thing I think.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed

I’m a dual-code qualified coach.

If you’d read my posts you’d see I absolutely don’t agree with contact being compulsory. In fact I run every session to cover those that want to play contact and those that don’t.

I wish private schools would embrace it more rather than rely on rugby. It's a snob thing I think

I think you’re forgetting there are two codes of rugby....

Was similarly tiny

Played rugby, badly, because it was what you did at school. I'm not gifted at it, or built for it, but did enjoy playing with the others.

He'll be shit at it and play with other shit people. He's not gonna suddenly come up against the all blacks

He'll be shit at it and play with other shit people. He's not gonna suddenly come up against the all blacks exactly.

this issue is a hill on which I am willing to die

I’d die on that one too. Having two girls I don't have to confront it, but there’s no way in hell I’d let any of them play contact rugby. Far too dangerous.

I get that everyone is shit scared these days but if my parents had stepped in with my choice of activity then my life would have been pretty shit tbh

My mum used to come and watch me on school sports days with her eyes closed

I can completely understand your worries, but would reassure you a little.

Rugby will probably be streamed pretty fiercely in Y4. You say it's a sporty school, therefore they will be keen to field a strong 1st and 2nd team (depending on the size of the school). Therefore they will not want the boys who are less keen training with the kids who love rugby.

And really, schools are used to dealing with this. The head may not allow you to remove your son, but I would not be completely surprised if there is not a group of boys who do rugby training but will still do tag while the others do contact, and then may do a bit more swimming on rugby days, and who are not forced to do fixtures.

Can you talk to parents who have kids further up the school to find out what happens to the boys who are not keen on rugby. I am willing to bet that they are not forced into it as much as you would think. However, the head will not be keen to excuse your son as it could set a precedent.

Also you say he's in a prep school, so I presume he'll be going to an independent senior school. Do you have an idea of where he will be going at 13? If rugby is compulsory there it would be much better if he has some experience in prep, as I am pretty sure that the head of games at a senior school will be less keen to excuse Y9 boys who don't fancy rugby.

The most important thing is, as PPs have pointed out, who is teaching your child. Are they RFU accredited?

Also remember contact at Y4 is pretty limited. We are not taking about scrums, rucks and mauls. Have a look at the RFU website, there are loads of coaching videos that will show you exactly what is involved.

Moving schools may not be an easy option. You say your school is great in every other way. Do you think that you can find one that is as good, and that will allow you to simply opt out of one of the main boys prep school sports?

Hope you find a way through. I have one rugby mad boy and one who could blow away in the wind and who is not sporty at all. Ironically he received his worst injury to date this weekend playing football. He has been fine in rugby as he tends not to get the ball, and when he does, he is under strict instructions from me to get rid of it as soon as possible!

You're being massively precious. The risk is minimal, let him play. Doing things you don't like and are not particularly good at is part of life. Don't make your son be the kid whose mum wrote a note to stop him playing rugby. It will do him no favours with his peers.

You're being massively precious. The risk is minimal, let him play. Doing things you don't like and are not particularly good at is part of life. Don't make your son be the kid whose mum wrote a note to stop him playing rugby. It will do him no favours with his peers

That’s a really destructive attitude.

There is nothing more dangerous, IMO, than a kid playing a contact sport half-heartedly.

He can easily take part in the fitness/passing drills without needing to participate fully.

“You're being massively precious. The risk is minimal, let him play.”

Yep. It’ll make a man of him.

You should find another school, OP.

Rugby is a big part of many private schools' sporting fabric. Injuries happen and are accepted as part of the game, rightly or wrongly.

I know my DH has his leg broken twice in one season when he was 15/16 playing for his school and there were regular broken bones and other injuries every seasons, from what he told me.

I would have been worried if DD was a boy because at her school Rugby was a big part of school life for the boys; the successes of the various teams seemed to take precedence over academic achievements in many news letters, etc. Some of her male friends has some bad injuries and I remember her BF in 6th form having seemingly permanent black eyes and partially healed cuts and bruises - he was a forward in the school's 1st team.

I think it would be difficult to keep your son away from the sport completely if the school is anything like many are.

I agree with you OP.

Yanbu. Even my very rugby loving school didn't play contact until secondary

There is nothing more dangerous, IMO, than a kid playing a contact sport half-heartedly I agree with this 100%

It’s not a tiny risk at all. Most rugby players I know have suffered significant injuries including both my DS. My DN is rather similar to your DS and suffered several serious fractures playing rugby, unfortunately he loved playing.

Your only option may be to change school if they insist on contact (I would focus on challenging this). It IS dangerous and a much smaller child is far more likely to be hurt and the head injury aspect should never be underestimated.

YANBU OP . It's your child and your decision

But then even if he went to state school in a couple of years, he will be playing contact rugby with boys who will be even bigger again. Ds14 was bigger than half his teachers when he started high school along with 80% of the rugby team. Now at 14 they are all 6ft plus and huge! So you wouldn’t get away from it anywhere to be honest.

YANBU at all.

Given what we now know about traumatic brain injury, and its long-term effects following seemingly mild impacts, hell would freeze over before I would allow any DC of mine to play rugby.

Why risk a lifetime of impairment for the sake of doing amateur sport as a 9 year old?

How size relative to those he will be playing with adds further reason not to do it.

There’s no life skill/quality learnt through rugby that can’t be developed in other ways.

YANBU and we did the same.
I would contact the head of PE/rugby and explain you don't want your DS to be playing contact.
tbh there is little point telling them about statistics and research. They will be well aware of it and still choose to make the DCs play contact rugby. Your discussion has to be based around why it's not appropriate for your DS. I'd probably add that you're happy to look at the decision again every 6 months or annually.
In our school even though contact rugby is compulsory and starts at the same age as your school, there's about 10% who don't do it. They still attend all the rugby sessions, they learn and practise the skills but they don't play contact games. I'd use that approach with the coach if I were you so you aren't withdrawing him from the classes, you're just withdrawing him from the contact games.