with friend

[namechangedforthisOP]

NC as possibly outing but want other peoples views on wether i am being unreasonable...

Friend has a spare key to my house incase i lose my key and i need to get in. Was supposed to be coming round to my house yesterday but i was out and running late so instead of ringing to ask where i was/ why i wasnt answering the door she proceeded to let herself into my home and make herself comfortable, without asking me! So, i took the key off her. AIBU? i felt it was a massive invasion of privacy and actually thought she was a cheeky fucker!

I have a key to my best friends house ,have had it for ever.
Would never dream of letting myself in without her consent.
You absolutely did the right thing.

I have a key to my friends house, she expects me to let myself in, that’s why she gave it to me, in case she is running late so I don’t have to sit in the car

You said she hadn’t texted you so you assumed she was running late, but you were running late and knew that so should have texted her anyway as a simple matter of courtesy

that’s why she gave it to me

Fair enough. OP, however, gave her key to friend in case she ever lost hers and was locked out.

I have an alarm on my house via police due to massive fear of DV so i get freaked out massively if i think someone is in my house and dont know so i suppose it just didnt sit right with me but ill give her a call.

That makes a huge difference!

You've apologised and, I assume, explained if she wasn't already aware. Hopefully she'll see where you were coming from and all will be well

Depends on the relationship I suppose. If I trusted a friend enough to have a key, it wouldn't bother me that they'd let themselves in.
I went to a close friends recently, she was running late so she texted me to tell me where she kept the spare key, and to let myself in. By the time she came home, I had a cup of tea, and my DC were happily playing. To be fair, when she is home, the door is alway unlocked so I just open it and go in, shouting hello as I do. These same friends and I make the cups of tea at each others houses, and just get on with it.

That all said, this would hugely bother my husband. But he also hates that I don't 'host' my friends and wait on them. You can tell how good a friend you are to me based on how little I wait on you when you come over. My best friends are just expected to get on with it.

I'm sorry but YABVU. If she is actually a close and cherished friend, presumably that's reciprocated; in which case she'd assume that letting herself into your house wouldn't be a big deal. I expect that since you've demanded your key back she'll be reevaluating your friendship. It wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest.

i dont think its worth losing a friend for and may not have said anything but i would never ever let myself into someones house without asking and think its extremely rude

im hurt by some comments but hey ho. i have apologised

It sounds mad. A close friend of mine has a key and I wouldn't dream of caring less about this. Why give them a key if you would?

Yanbu my cleaner has a key but I wouldn’t expect her to use it unless she was coming here to clean and it was arranged.

We also have friend’s keys, for if they lock themselves out or feeding their dog etc, not just for any time we fancy using it!

You give people a key for specific reasons, it’s not then a free for all for them to enter your house!

I don't have a friend I trust enough to give my house key but if I did, I would be happy for them to let themselves in.

If I was your friend, I would happily wait, as you aren't late in my book until an hour later and even then that's okay. However, I did grow up abroad in a country that despite being a former British colony, meeting times are a mere suggestion and that being early or on time is actually rude in some cases as the host may still be getting ready. Still getting used to the idea that the punctuality is a completely different thing in this country, and being a polite 15-30 minutes late is actually very rude.

Very odd on your part. YABU.

Thank you all for your honest replies. I will call her and apologise for being out of order as it seems i must be.

Glad you got sorted OP, I'd have been fine with her letting herself in and as several others have said this too, it's obviously just a case of crossed wires.

If I trust someone enough to have a key to my house, I trust them enough to let themselves in.

I would have done the exact same thing in your friend's position and my best friend would do exactly the same too.

I would say I think YABU however I'm guessing you're not as close to this friend as I am to mine so it's a different situation I guess.

It's pretty obvious that people vary on this quite a lot, which is fine, we're all different. I let myself into my friend's house and eat their chocolate but that's our agreement and nothing to do with anyone else :)

Most important thing is OP has spoken to her friend and it's sorted.

Glad you have apologized

Mumsnetters always find a way to twist things so the OP is ALWAYYYYS at fault.

No you are not being unreasonable.

You have her a key for YOU to use if you had ever lost your main set of keys. You didn’t give her her ‘own’ key to use to enter your house when your not around. That’s the difference.

I wouldn’t have gotten angry at her but I do think it’s cheeky of her to just enter your home and make herself comfortable without even asking . She could have called and asked how long you might be then suggested she has the spare key so ask if it’s ok to go in and wait...

10 minuets outside is hardly a century

YANBU at all.

Giving someone a key for emergencies is just that. It's not for them to carry around and let themselves in without your knowledge.

I don't know why people are writing exaggerated 'extreme privacy' and 'very very private' to describe the op as though they are so very very clever.

you cut off your nose to spite your face.
i hope you dont lose your key
you trust her to have your key, you were running late.
what else should she do?
hang around outside?
you either trust her to have your key or you dont.
now you are stuffed.

did you give her the key back when you apologised?

My friend has a key to my house. I certainly wouldn’t expect her to have it on her when visiting and would be shocked if she used it to let herself in without talking to me first. It’s got nothing to do with privacy but respect of boundaries. Discuss and agree, not presume.

If I trusted her enough to have a key I'd expect her to have let her self in. My parents do it if I'm not in when they arrive. Completely fine with me!

If I was your friend I'd have waited 5 minutes then gone home. Is it not rude of you as well for arranging she come round and then you're running late?

Also my close friends are like my family. I'd rather they let themselves in if they have a key than sit on the door step twiddling their thumbs.

She's your friend and you trust her with your keys. Why wouldn't you want her in your house?
You actually say shea a cherished her friend yet you accuse her of invading your privacy b y letting herself in. If I was her I would be feeling offended and reconsidering the friendship- good enough to have your keys in case of your emergency, but not trusted to go into the house alone.