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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

with friend

117 replies

namechangedforthisOP · 07/09/2019 14:58

NC as possibly outing but want other peoples views on wether i am being unreasonable...

Friend has a spare key to my house incase i lose my key and i need to get in. Was supposed to be coming round to my house yesterday but i was out and running late so instead of ringing to ask where i was/ why i wasnt answering the door she proceeded to let herself into my home and make herself comfortable, without asking me! So, i took the key off her. AIBU? i felt it was a massive invasion of privacy and actually thought she was a cheeky fucker!

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 07/09/2019 16:14

If I trusted someone enough to have my key I wouldn't be fuming they'd entered my property using it.

You've massively over reacted.

Let's hope one day you don't find yourself in a situation where you need a friend with a key to key themselves in and help you.

chickenyhead · 07/09/2019 16:15

@ButterPie1

I walk in and shout wheres my tea bitch, but that's just me. That's why she loves me

Tigger001 · 07/09/2019 16:15

I dont really understand why you would give her a key in the first place if you minded her being in your home without you.

I would hate anyone being in my house without me there, thus me not giving anyone a key. The only person who had a key was my mum. I am an Incredibly personal person, so I dont give a key out.
Just by giving the key has the implication of them being allowed to let themselves in.

Yes, you should apologise.

Weedinosaurus · 07/09/2019 16:18

I’m close enough to my friend that has s key to my house that I’d be puzzled if she didn’t let herself in. I do t see it as overstepping at all...are you not close? Why have you chosen her to have the key?

Original poster
namechangedforthisOP · 07/09/2019 16:18

I have apologised to her for how i handled the situation and apologised for not making my privacy clear/ the key being an emergency.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 07/09/2019 16:20

Well done OP.

I think it was just a crossover of expectations. Sorted now.

lawnmowingsucks · 07/09/2019 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
namechangedforthisOP · 07/09/2019 16:22

@lawnmowingsucks i have no idea who you think you are talking to. ok thank you for shouting at me, ive apologised to her.

OP posts:
eladen · 07/09/2019 16:42

I dunno, I don't think I'd be taking my cues on how to behave politely from lawnmowingsucks.

Bowerbird5 · 07/09/2019 16:44

Well I would have done that with my best friend and put the kettle on. She would asked me when she came in if I had kettle hot! She has a key for mine and I have been glad of it when I wasn't well. Her son feeds cat for me too if I am away. I told him he can watch telly, drink the beer in the fridge and give the cat some attention. I have known him since he was three and trust him completely. He is 35.I wouldn't do this with anyone else but I bet she is quite upset so you may lose a good friend.
Different arranging to meet then you being late to her going around on a random whim.

EssentialHummus · 07/09/2019 16:44

I dunno. I'd have liked her to text and say "Hey, I've got my key, mind if I let myself in and get the kettle on?" - but the actual letting herself in wouldn't bother me.

Derbee · 07/09/2019 16:48

Glad you’ve apologised OP. You were rude, being late and not texting her to tell her to let herself in. You were also rude to make a fuss and take the key off her.

YABU for giving someone a key and being posed off that they use it. And YABU for thinking that guests should tidy up after themselves because they leave a plate on the side.

Bowerbird5 · 07/09/2019 16:48

Don't be surprised if you offer her the key and she says no. I wouldn't take it back in that instance.

I would never ask my neighbours to feed the cat they would be nosying around! My friend would never do that. Grin except the cake tin!

Derbee · 07/09/2019 16:48

*pissed

GlasshouseStoneThrower · 07/09/2019 16:50

If you trust her enough to have a spare key, why do you have a problem with her using it?

You were the one who was rude in the first place by being late. It seems really churlish for you to be stroppy when she would otherwise have been waiting in the cold on your doorstep.

If you don't trust her to sit and wait for you in your house, why did you ever give her a key in the first place?

Figgygal · 07/09/2019 16:54

You gave her a key why so outraged she's used it? Well done for apologising though

burnoutbabe · 07/09/2019 16:55

If I gave someone my Spair keys for emergencies I'd not expect them to have then in their person. Surely that's implicit in giving someone a key for emergencies. So it would annoy me that they had it and used it without asking.

Sparklyshoes16 · 07/09/2019 16:59

Looks like you've done the right thing by apologising @namechangedforthisOP perhaps you need a friend who knows your situation inside and out and is on the same wave length about your privacy to give a key to do you have anyone else?

@lawnmowingsucks absolutely no need to be so rude to the OP!

Cheeserton · 07/09/2019 17:01

YANBU. It's a key for emergency situations, nothing else.

I disagree

Why? I can't think of a single good reason why on earth you wouldn't phone the OP to see where she was if expecting her to be there.

SunshineAngel · 07/09/2019 17:03

Firstly, I would be happy for my friends to let themselves in and make a brew (one for me too please) HOWEVER, not unless we had the conversation and I had given permission. My partner's brother has a key to ours and he knows he can let himself in, because we've told him to, but I would be annoyed if someone did that when I'd never said it was okay.

I wouldn't have taken the key off her admittedly, but I'd have made it clear you didn't want her to do that. Some people just aren't comfortable with other people in their homes unsupervised no matter who they are, so if you're one of those people, you need to make it clear.

I would certainly have expected her to ring and find out where you were first.

Stapelberg · 07/09/2019 17:07

I have heaven keys to 3 of my friends. I have keys to one of their's houses too. I would be quite upset if one of them didn't go in and made themselves at home especially when I'm running late. One of them uses freezer space in my freezer and she goes on whenever she needs some of her stuff in the freezer. I suppose there's a difference between valued friends and trusted valued friends...?

Cheeserton · 07/09/2019 17:09

so if you're one of those people, you need to make it clear.

Yeah, like saying here's a key to keep hold of just in case I get locked out.

Babs20 · 07/09/2019 17:15

I've got a friend who has a key. They've never gone in unless I've asked them to..but I think in these circumstances I wouldn't mind them going in and waiting. I think if I did have an issue with it I might have been totally un-upfront about it and asked for the key back under the pretence of needing it for something. But that's me, I hate confrontation

Merename · 07/09/2019 17:16

OP, some of these replies are getting nasty and I’m sure you’re probably feeling like shit now. You’ve explained that there is a domestic abuse backstory and to me that helps explain why you would be super sensitive about coming home to someone unexpectedly in your home. It’s good that you apologised for your part, but I hope your friend is gracious enough to see that there’s reasons that you feel how you do. Flowers

Cheeserton · 07/09/2019 17:20

It's not fucking rocket science - you were wrong end of

Tripe. Most normal people understand that holding a key for a friend's place is not an open invitation to use it without permission or arrangement. Shouting and swearing at the OP is ridiculous in this situation.

OP - people clearly just want to have a go. You really weren't unreasonable in expecting her not to use your key willy nilly. It's the opposite expectation that should be spelled out if desired, if people want the holder to feel free to use it. Otherwise, most sane folk just know that it's not on to go in without permission.

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