Was I BU to tell her she was nasty?

[itseasybeingcheesy]

So I apologise for the MIL in law thread but I'm seething with anger and I know I'm not rational. Am I out of order? Do I need to make an apology to my MIL?

We're at the park with my DS, and 2 DDs. DS is a newborn. My DH is running around the pavilion with my two DDs being great.

MIL says to me "I've been meaning to ask him when his baby is due".

I look at her shocked and say "that's so nasty". She says it isn't nasty and what is wrong with it? And I tell her she shouldn't say things like that because she is calling her own son fat and she would be devastated if someone said that to her. She again said she didn't know what was wrong with saying it and I told her she had to stop being so nasty and she should never say things like that in front of my children because they will copy her nastiness.

We haven't spoken since. DH did not over hear.
So as not to drip feed - we don't have a great relationship with MIL as she is very negative and has form for saying completely unacceptable things in front of the children. She's quite emotionally manipulative and will often cry if I call her out on being horrible.

Nevertheless I may have overreacted, would you have put up with it? Do I need to apologise?

Lots of things going on here.

Firstly, you overreacted, BUT someone else upthread very sensibly pointed out that as this woman has form for being manipulative, if you HAD laughed along she would have used that against you in a trice.

The minute he came back she would have piped up that you were laughing about him looking pregnant. So you weren't in the wrong not to laugh along, but you should have ignored it. Look at all the headspace she has managed to take up now because you rose to the bait!

He is overweight by about two stone, she is clinically obese so it's also hypocritical.

If she is obese then she knows how hard it is to shift weight once you get to a certain point. Frankly, it would be worse if she said that he was filling out nicely - at least she recognises that if he is 2 stone overweight he needs to sort it out before he gets older. I'm guessing he's around 35 - 45 so he needs to hit the gym! He's her son. She is allowed to have opinions about him and want him to look well and be healthy.

But OMG she said that breastfeeding your son was DIRTY and you have ever seen or spoken to her again?? Dripfeed of the century!! Why on EARTH is this woman in your lives at ALL? The comment about your DH being overweight pales into complete insignificance beside everything else.

You did overreacted in a particular situation that you should have ignored, but you would also be completely reasonable to never see her again, given the bigger picture.

I think it was a mean comment and I think you were right to defend your husband. Your reaction is perhaps a bit further than I might have gone, but there is clearly a lot of backstory to your MIL which I think explains that. YANBU.

crosspelican
Agreed.

Yeah I'd have laughed. All lighthearted. Jesus I wish my ex-MIL (woo!!) had a sense of humor instead of being the dragon with a sore head 24/7!!

Today 15:07 NoLeopard

I've been meaning to ask him when his baby's due (Attempt at humour, obviously to the wrong person)

Oi son! You're a fat cunt and everybody hates you! (Nasty)

Bit of a difference in my book*

Hahahhahsh

Just this.....

But seriously yes you over reacted but then there is loads of shit going on in the relationship so sounds like there was no right response!

I think the fact she has apologised shows that she knows she was nasty and inappropriate. So yep call her out on her hurtful comments, no need for them!

It's not my place to keep the kids from her if it's not a joint parenting decision.

It is if she says negative things about their father (or other loved ones line aunts, uncles, cousins) in front of the children or, God forbid, starts making remarks like that to the children. Then it absolutely IS your place.

Not saying she does this now, but just remember that you DO have that right!

No it's not funny. Don't understand why everyone thinks it is, if he was a female I wonder if people would find that funny.

18:22Superfoodie123 - exactly. If my mum made a comment like that to my DP, refering to my weight, he would be apoplectic. Just because OP's husband is male doesn't (or shouldn't) change things.

Half to see the update about the apology.

glad to see

Yes I think you've over reacted.

Glad she apologised. I expect had you said 'I'm sure he'd ask you when yours is.' She would have been upset.

Her comments to your children about their weight and breastfeeding are shit and inappropriate so it's not surprising you pick up on the negativity. Good on you for calling her on it.

No, that wasn't funny, though perhaps OP's reaction was stronger than usual, given the history with her MIL.

But honestly, almost anyone who's overweight will be keenly aware of that fact, and jokes about it will either hurt their feelings or make them angry. Even if it prompts them to diet, they'll probably always have that negative association in their minds. Do people really want to be remembered that way?

If you're genuinely concerned for someone's health, there are kinder ways to broach the subject. Or you could always mind your own business.

Given the content here I don’t think yabu OP. I hope she will reflect on what’s been said and think on in future.

I think you over reacted OP! My own mother tells her own sons they look 'disgusting' and 'their fat stomachs' make her 'feel sick'. She says that to my brother who is vulnerable with mental health difficulties. In front of other people, and when they are on their own together. She sees nothing wrong with it. Now that is something to fall out over.

It's not funny. It's cruel.

DP has issues around food and hates eating in front of people - even me when he's stressed.

I wasn't sure why until I met his parents - each made a point of telling their respective partners (and me) about what a fat baby he was, how he was put on a diet at three and how it's good to see him tucking into a proper meal for a change, as he's only picked at food since they put all that work in on him when he was little. His nickname is still, apparently, fucking 'Sumo'.

He immediately stopped eating and didn't have more than about five chips off my plate at any meal where either were present for the rest of the week.

He also went on to show me photos of himself aged 20-35 where I don't think he weighed more than about 7 stone. His natural weight, where he looks absolutely perfect, is about 12.

Just because the target of abuse is a man, it doesn't mean it's 'just bants' or 'only joking'.

I dont agree about u cant stop the kids seeing them-how far does it have to go before she really does something unforgiveable to the dc and you wished youd stopped it sooner

Mitzi thats awful

She told my DD that she was getting a double chin and told them that I was dirty for breastfeeding DS for example. She is a bit toxic so I'm always on edge around her. "

@AcrossthePond55 she already has started on the dc

If the two dd were with your dh how did they hear her comment ?
It was an unkind thing to say and I would defend my dh also but perhaps not be as angry as you are.
Probably the last in a long line of her negative comments you've had to put up with and this was one comment too far.

Her denial speaks volumes. She's a nasty cow

@KarmaStar they didn't hear the comment however she was saying she was going to make the comment to him also which is why I told her to "never say things like that in front of my children" they are only 4 so there's a chance they would repeat it to him or others without understanding how nasty it is.

I've sent messages before to my MIL telling her we are expecting a baby only to follow it up with DP swollen belly (he fluctuates super badly and knows it). I think you over reacted. The only issue was when we were actually expecting she didnt believe us

Bravo NoLeopard