Was I BU to tell her she was nasty?

[itseasybeingcheesy]

So I apologise for the MIL in law thread but I'm seething with anger and I know I'm not rational. Am I out of order? Do I need to make an apology to my MIL?

We're at the park with my DS, and 2 DDs. DS is a newborn. My DH is running around the pavilion with my two DDs being great.

MIL says to me "I've been meaning to ask him when his baby is due".

I look at her shocked and say "that's so nasty". She says it isn't nasty and what is wrong with it? And I tell her she shouldn't say things like that because she is calling her own son fat and she would be devastated if someone said that to her. She again said she didn't know what was wrong with saying it and I told her she had to stop being so nasty and she should never say things like that in front of my children because they will copy her nastiness.

We haven't spoken since. DH did not over hear.
So as not to drip feed - we don't have a great relationship with MIL as she is very negative and has form for saying completely unacceptable things in front of the children. She's quite emotionally manipulative and will often cry if I call her out on being horrible.

Nevertheless I may have overreacted, would you have put up with it? Do I need to apologise?

I think it depends.

If your DH is sensitive about his weight (or you are) then it's a nasty thing to say. If, on the other hand, he (and you) are comfortable with his weight then it's just a stupid but not necessarily nasty thing to say.

I was raised to believe that making any type of negative personal remark is tacky and rude. If one has a valid concern about something personal, such as weight, it needs to be raised in a caring and concerned way, not with a shitty off-hand remark.

you REALLY overreacted

I think you were right to call her out. It was not kind or helpful - it would have been easier to take it as a joke if she had said it to his face. I can’t believe she said it as someone who is obese herself.

Not remotely funny coming from someone with a track record of being snide and unpleasant. Such a person clearly wouldn't be 'joking'.

But this is an example of what the OP finds unacceptably 'nasty', so how can you tell what kind of person the MIL is. Chances are she's just got a certain sense of humour and the OP doesn't share it or any sense of humour at all

Read the updates

I don’t think you over reacted. Commenting on anyone’s weight is unnecessary. My MIL insists on buying my OH clothes for Christmas then making a big show of having kept the receipt because they probably won’t fit him. He’s not overweight, it’s just a way to have a dig. Good on you for sticking up for your husband.

Lighten up. She made a joke! Laugh and move on. If we were all a bit less touchy about our weight and stuff, the world would be a better place. She also probably thought pointing out he has a belly would make you feel better having just had a baby

I really dislike these posts where you read the OP and comment then there's more and more information given throughout the thread that make your response look stupid. Can people put all the information in the OP? Is that possible?

We joke that my husband has a beer baby in there and any day will drop a six pack out of his arse. But I guess if there is history with snide comments you probably said the right thing.

Some of the things she’s said before are really bad so I can see why you’re sensitive. Still, for this one it looks like she’s meant it as a joke - or struggling for something to say and she’s learned this is an ok phrase to say about fat people. She presumably loves her DS so wouldn’t have meant it really badly? But saying ‘you are nasty’ rather than ‘that was a nasty thing to say’? Hmm. You obviously don’t like her, maybe for good reasons, but I reckon if a woman came on here and said ‘my DH has called my mum nasty- he said he was defending me as she’d been vile about my weight’ the mumsnet massive might be getting the red flags out...

For the posters who suggest I've got no sense of humour, maybe I don't, who knows?! But maybe I've got a different sense of humour to you and didn't think her way of sneaking in an insult to my DH was funny.

Also by saying that she has form I thought I was avoiding drip feeding without going into war and peace.

For what it's worth I've generally got a decent sense of humour IMO but I was at the edge of what I could tolerate from her.

I really dislike these posts where you read the OP and comment then there's more and more information given throughout the thread that make your response look stupid. Can people put all the information in the OP? Is that possible?

I really dislike it when people don't read the OP thoroughly. The OP clearly says at the end

So as not to drip feed - we don't have a great relationship with MIL as she is very negative and has form for saying completely unacceptable things in front of the children. She's quite emotionally manipulative and will often cry if I call her out on being horrible.

No its not a nice thing to say but if hes so fat he looks pregnant and has young kids then she is probably worried about his health. Its not unknown for men to drop dead of heart attacks very young. If he needs to do something about his weight then he should for not only himself but for his family as well.
Ask yourself has MIL got a point?

I’m 31 weeks pregnant and my OH has gained nearly a stone in weight since the pregnancy. It’s an on running joke that he he’s keeping up with me bump wise. His sister commented on it the other dad and his response was he was getting his dad bod ready!

I think its no big deal, as long as she doesn't mind the same being said about her. i.e wow more wrinkles , looks like your antique etc .

she is very negative and has form for saying completely unacceptable things in front of the children

So why were you so shocked/surprised this time?.

My MIL is like this, openly judgmental of people, and it's ok if its done in humor. It's not.
My really skinny son has gained weight and is chubby and she grabbed his face and announced how fat he was. He's 10 , and now we have issues , him being self concious and uncomfortabe about it. Thanks a lot!
I'ts awful.

If she had said so many nasty and inappropriate things already in the presence of your children, why would you allow her to continue.

I think you did over react, however I wouldn't allow my MIL to disrespect her son in front of his children. I would just advise her if she continued to do so, I wouldn't really want his children around her.

It also depends on the age of the children, if they are too young to understand "we dont take any notice to nan" then she needs to refrain from doing it.

I have a nan who tries to emotionally blackmail and used to try and play myself and my brother against each other, my mum soon put a stop to it and then she started again when we were older but we were old enough to see straight through her and choose not to spend time with her.

@Boysey45 he could totally do with losing some weight, which we've discussed in the past however if she had concerns over is health I'd hope she'd make an effort to say something that conveyed she wanted him to be healthy out of concern and care. Not making snide comments about his body behind his back which would only have made him feel crap about himself if he had heard.

I told him the other day he could get his bike out for some exercise on the evenings if he wanted as I'd love for him to have more energy and feel better about himself but I would never have said " get on yer bike and shift that fat belly", because I love him and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

@Tigger001 DH doesn't want to stop contact as even though he agrees she is negative and nasty in her opinions (in general not just things like this) he loves her and doesn't want to have no relationship with her.

It's not my place to keep the kids from her if it's not a joint parenting decision.

I feel like the LTB crew has become the "stop all contact" crew on here now.
Some people don't just cut others out of their lives.

Cruel and unkind imo

On the surface of it, no big deal. Her son and she said it about him. However if she was trying to manipulate you in to agreeing with her so that she could later ambush him with the information that @itseasybeingcheesy thinks you're fat but I think you suit the extra pounds then, it that sort of situation it would be manipulative and ansty. Only you know.

It depends entirely on a) the intent behind the comment and b) the relationship between mother and son.

Me and my partner call each other fat all the time, and make similar comments - we don't mind. Yet if someone else said it to me, I would be seriously offended.

On paper it sounds like you've overreacted tbh, and it's certainly not something that you should stop speaking to her for. Life is honestly too short.

I'd laugh too.

I would have said a week after you`re due date.