Was I BU to tell her she was nasty?

[itseasybeingcheesy]

So I apologise for the MIL in law thread but I'm seething with anger and I know I'm not rational. Am I out of order? Do I need to make an apology to my MIL?

We're at the park with my DS, and 2 DDs. DS is a newborn. My DH is running around the pavilion with my two DDs being great.

MIL says to me "I've been meaning to ask him when his baby is due".

I look at her shocked and say "that's so nasty". She says it isn't nasty and what is wrong with it? And I tell her she shouldn't say things like that because she is calling her own son fat and she would be devastated if someone said that to her. She again said she didn't know what was wrong with saying it and I told her she had to stop being so nasty and she should never say things like that in front of my children because they will copy her nastiness.

We haven't spoken since. DH did not over hear.
So as not to drip feed - we don't have a great relationship with MIL as she is very negative and has form for saying completely unacceptable things in front of the children. She's quite emotionally manipulative and will often cry if I call her out on being horrible.

Nevertheless I may have overreacted, would you have put up with it? Do I need to apologise?

You overreacted. It was fine to say "that's a nasty thing to say" but the rest of it is way over the top.

I'd have found it funny. Is he overweight?

It depends on the DH/DM relationship. I'd have probably done the same as you though I can't as I'm NC now as throughout the time I have known DH they have been nothing but critical of every aspect of our lives. I thought they were picking and bullying me, but realised they've been doing it to DH all of his life (he's the scapegoat child in the rather dysfunctional family). He cannot do anything right in their eyes, and if he hasn't done anything wrong enough they'll pick on his weight, or perceived laziness, or recent expenses we've made. Fuckers.

If your MIL critical of him in a nasty way, rather than a joke-familial way, then absolutely call her out on it. Draw a line, set a boundary and don't let her cross it with any of you. All you do is make it easier for them to be mean the next time.

Also do not apologise she should apologise to you.

Well I agree it’s unkind. Unsure whether other posters think she gets a free pass on calling him fat because he’s a man or because she’s his mum but it’s not a nice thing to say. My kids know better than to comment negatively on other people’s appearance and they’re 3 and 5. That includes family.

It's not a nice thing to say, but is of probably rolled my eyes and shrugged it off. However it sounds like you've got a history of not getting on, which probably accounts for that.

I'm shocked so many people think it's funny? I bet those same people wouldn't think it was funny to say about a woman

You sound to have overreacted to me

Erm she was joking.
God some mil's really can't win, can they?

I'd have been annoyed for my husband, but no way would I have said all the things that you did. You did much more harm than her casual comment did. So yep, it was reasonable to feel annoyed, but the conversation was an over-reaction.

I too would have found this really funny. And I am very overweight.

Thanks all! Clearly it's Divided people and there's opinions on both sides.

He is overweight by about two stone, she is clinically obese so it's also hypocritical. However I suppose I am definitely over sensitive as she has said some especially nasty things both to us and about us in the past and my children have been coming out with some unpleasant things that they have picked up from her recently.

She told my DD that she was getting a double chin and told them that I was dirty for breastfeeding DS for example. She is a bit toxic so I'm always on edge around her.

However since the OP she has apologised and I said I was sorry for snapping at her. From the was she apologised I think it's clear that she knows it was said in nastiness and not out of an offhand joke as she apologised well away from DH.

For what it's worth if she ever said that about me I'd expect DH to tell her to not be awful and keep her thoughts to herself.

Jesus OP. Lighten up!!

It’s fat shaming and out and bullying. No one has the right to mock anyone, parent or not. I don’t see anything in the slightest bit funny.
The ones who think it’s only a bit of fun would you be laughing if it were your son or daughter it wAs happening to in the school yard. Would you laugh along if it your kids doing it to someone else. Would it be an over reaction if child took their lives because of it.

Usual drip feed post

@MaybeitsMaybelline don't mean to drip feed. Can't write down everything that's ever happened in one post as everyone would get bored and never read or reply. Nobody wants my whole 8 year relationship with her written down.

As someone with a long history of eating disroders - AND- a history of parents who give me stick about it. This is never acceptable. it is not funny. it is not lighthearted.

It is not funny just because it is about a DH rather than a woman. It is not a funny thing to say ever when said behind someone;'s back. It is not funny if the person to whom it is dorected woudk be hurt- and the OPs reaction shows that her DH would have been hurt.

And tbh I cannot believe pp who say well, she is his mum so she can say that. Being fat shamed by your own parents is the most damaging form of fat shaming that it is possible to have. IMO and IME.

Why is fat shaming a bloke okay? It's not. It just is not.

told them that I was dirty for breastfeeding DS for example.

Well if my mil had said this to my DC that would be the last they saw of her.

The pregnant comment on it's own was funny but since your dripfeed update she does indeed sound toxic.

Why do you even see her-for whose benefit so yuore children can start making nasty remarks too?

Op, thats the sort of thing my MIL and her "friend" would say to me after I had had her granddaughter.

I think there's more going on here though. Sounds like she has form and this comment pushed you over the edge as though you have been waiting for her to say something.

I was the same, I always promised myself I would stand up for myself and say something. Sadly by the time I got round to it I was so furious it ended our relationship. For good. It was also after I had just had a new baby.

YANBU
Body shaming is not acceptable especially in front of children who may then go repeating it at school to other children or teachers.
It's not a joke when it's at another persons expense.
Why other posters think this is funny is beyond me. She is rude and insensitive.
I'm sure op's husband has a mirror at home.

Yes. And OPs husband probably does not expect his mother to ridicule him behind his back about his weight. It disgusts me., And I am truly disgusted that people think it is funny or trivial.

@ElsieMc I think you hit the nail on the head about being pushed over the edge.

It's totally not a dripfeed! Op said that MIL has form for saying unacceptable things in front of the children.
She sounds awful. Glad she apologized and I hope you continue to call her out.

One of the last things my gran said to my brother was that his boobs were bigger than his wifes. He doted on her and to this day it makes me seethe. Poor dB has always struggled with his weight (he is slightly overweight nothing major) and I know it hurt him a lot.

People may think these little things are jokes but they are nasty and have the potential to really upset someone.