To be fed up with MIL’s snide remarks about our finances

[Salsalx]

DH and I are early 30s and have no DC. We are lucky enough to both earn very good wages. Both of us have worked hard to get where we are and have been particularly fortunate over the last 18 months as a result of a promotion in my role and DH being headhunted for a new job with a significant pay increase.

We are able to live comfortably in that we have a (mortgaged) home in a very nice area and have enough disposable income to be able to save as well as affording luxuries without having to worry. We are by no means “rich” but we are comfortable. Over the last year or so, MIL has been making remarks about our financial situation. My SIL struggles financially as she is the main earner working PT. She has DC with her DH who chooses to also work PT in a low paid job (despite being offered FT hours). They are up to their eyeballs in debt yet have a brand new 4x4 on finance and enjoy lavish holidays and fancy things funded by credit cards. MIL is often making remarks about how we earn “all this money” yet poor SIL is barely able to get by. Any comments from DH about SIL’s poor financial choices in response are simply shut down. We announced 6 months ago that we were buying a new home and MIL looked very disappointed. Her only comment was “I wish poor SIL could afford a home” and “I bet your watch alone is worth over 6 months worth of poor SIL’s rent”. More recently she told all the family in front of us that she hoped DH and I would be treating them all for Christmas now we earn so much money. During a meal with DH’s extended family, MIL announced that she was treating everyone to the meal except DH and I as we have plenty of cash to treat ourselves. Whilst we would never ever expect anyone to pay for us, we were singled out and humiliated.

I feel I’ve been very patient but I am now just about done. DH feels we should not let it get to us and should just ignore it, but surely no one should tolerate this. I have kept my mouth shut for too long and am ready to either cut out her totally or explode and tell her exactly what I think. Surely I am not BU? Am I? How is best to handle this situation?!

I’d have a private word with her about it. I’d be explicitly clear that if there are any more remarks then I’m done with her (and I’d mean it too - and fully follow through if necessary).

Keep you finances private. Tell the nosy bitch (and she is a bitch) to mind her own fucking business. Honestly, what do you get out of these social events with toxic MIL and poor SIL and her DH? What is the point?
If you can’t tell her firmly not to comment on your financial situation, just don’t attend. I bet that was a horrible meal and that you didn’t enjoy a single bite when your MIL excluded you from being treated. It’s not about money, but gestures and showing care for your family and she excluded you by doing that.
If you don’t tell her to fuck off, at least tell her to shut up. It doesn’t sound like a pleasurable relationship with her anyway. You are also a grown up too, not just the Wailing Wall.

Sil is struggling because she expects a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget . In your situation I’d offer to sit down then both and chat about how they could improve their financial situation . First off would be both working full time .

Tell her it’s vulgar to talk about money.

Never discuss your finances or plans. Keep you heads below the parapet. Go away for Christmas and send each family a hamper of the same value, be it £20 or £200.

You can’t change anyone but yourself so figure out the best way you can cope with a marriage in which this is a key feature. Smile and nod, argue, get mad or go zen and dream of your next trip?

Why have you told her anything at all about your salaries?

We’re in a similar position to you (two high incomes, no kids, lots of disposable income) and we tell people NOTHING. Nobody has a clue what we earn. It’s great.

How does she shut down responses? Can you or your DH not say "No, hear us out, poor SIL wouldn't be poor SIL if she didn't choose to buy expensive cars, or if she or her husband worked full time like we do, so your attempts to make us feel bad for working bloody hard to earn our living need to stop right here."

I understand that as a mother it’s hard to see one of your kids struggling when the other isn’t, but much as she’s sad for them she should also be happy for her son..

Do you think that MIL expects you to help SIL financially? Or have their been instances where you or your DH have over shared information about your finances and this has come off as bragging to her?
I just cannot work out the motivation for acting like this. Even if there is jealousy, you don’t make comments like that.

That’s awful of her but I have no idea why she should know your financial situation.

Do not ever disclose anything else financial to her. Your h needs to get a spine, too, and just tell her. 'It's not our job to bail X out of her and Y's decision not to work FT and splash out on holidays and cars. If you're going to continue to make an issue out of it and humiliate me for making different decisions, it's probably best we minimise contact,' and mean it. If he doesn't have the balls to do this, I'd tell her that myself and tbh, I'd start limiting contact.

Give her Pride & Prejudice to read. Then explain to her that only Mrs Bennet and the Bingley sisters spend time discussing money - then call her Mrs Bennet every time she brings the subject up.....

Do you think that MIL expects you to help SIL financially? Or have their been instances where you or your DH have over shared information about your finances and this has come off as bragging to her?*

Yes, I did wonder this.

To be fair to the op she might not have overshared. We are sort of in the same position. We never told any of them our finances but they can guess that we're doing well because of the nice expensive house and holidays to Australia et cetera. OP doesn't have to share any financial information for people to guess that their finances are better than the inlaws.

The thing is, she's doing your SIL no favours either. If I was “poor SIL” I would no want to be made out to be a pity case because I chose to buy a car on finance. Her finances are her own business, and it’s not for MIL to humiliate her by going around bemoaning how poor she is to everyone else in the family.

She's probably making assumptions from what she sees rather than the OP and her DH telling her.

Meant to add - SIL probably wishes she would STFU too!

@Tonnerre is absolutely right. But how does anyone know what you earn????

YWBU to cut her out of your lives, or to 'explode', but, like the first poster who replied said, Y (and your dh) WNBU to quietly have a word to let he know you (and dh) are really fed up of her constant remarks.
I agree with TimShelteChoice's post

She doesn't have to know exact figures to work out the disparity! It's normal to say you've got a new job. Same for promotions. Nice house in nice area. Not rocket science to think there'd be more money.

Your DH needs to have a very firm word.

And I wouldn't be going out for any more meals with them.

Your mother in law should not be making such personal remarks about your finances, which are none of her business. Please do tell her that she is being, frankly, rude. In future don't give away any information related to money.

Sister & brother in law may struggle financially but they manage and appear to have a good time. Things will be different when their children grow older, one or both will increase their working hours and they'll be better off. A lof of families are in their position but it doesn't last forever.

To confirm we’ve never discussed money with MIL or anyone else and never would, however, she knows the lines of work we are in, both of which are well known for being well paid. We’ve not long bought a new home and have regular holidays, trips out etc, so this is where MIL gets it from.

Say, “Yeah, you really messed up raising SiL didn’t you MiL? Still at least you got it right with DH.”

There's no need to "explode", but you can definitely tell your MIL that you will no longer be tolerating any discussion about your finances and lifestyle, and nor will you listen to one more utterance about your SIL's money woes, all of which she is fully responsible for. Time to make some very serious boundaries.

You don't have to put up with this. You don't have children so you have no reason to have contact with her unless you chose to for the sake of your husband or some other reason.

However if you are planning on having children you need to think about how you see her role as grandmother in the future & your behaviour now will affect that. If you cut her off now but your husband choses not to, then are you envisaging him managing your future children's contact with her without you there & her potentially making unpleasant remarks in front of them without you being there to prevent it? If you would want to be involved in her future contact with your children then you need to think carefully how you manage things now & set boundaries now.

You could blow up next time she makes one of her remarks, have a big row & that's that. Or you could talk to her about these remarks & that you don't want to hear any more of them, then every time she does it after that call her out on it & if necessary leave the reataurant, her home or ask her to leave your home depending on the venue - she may reduce the remarks once you've walked out a few times, but would your husband be on board with this, or will you be the bad guy who ruined a birthday meal, Christmas etc? If he's not on board with challenging the remarks then you are probably stuck with the behaviour so the way forward would be to reduce your exposure to it by reducing contact but keeping it civil.

So I think what you do depends on what you can tolerate without losing your cool, what your husband is OK with in terms of challenging her, and what you want as a longterm outcome.