To be fed up with MIL’s snide remarks about our finances

[Salsalx]

DH and I are early 30s and have no DC. We are lucky enough to both earn very good wages. Both of us have worked hard to get where we are and have been particularly fortunate over the last 18 months as a result of a promotion in my role and DH being headhunted for a new job with a significant pay increase.

We are able to live comfortably in that we have a (mortgaged) home in a very nice area and have enough disposable income to be able to save as well as affording luxuries without having to worry. We are by no means “rich” but we are comfortable. Over the last year or so, MIL has been making remarks about our financial situation. My SIL struggles financially as she is the main earner working PT. She has DC with her DH who chooses to also work PT in a low paid job (despite being offered FT hours). They are up to their eyeballs in debt yet have a brand new 4x4 on finance and enjoy lavish holidays and fancy things funded by credit cards. MIL is often making remarks about how we earn “all this money” yet poor SIL is barely able to get by. Any comments from DH about SIL’s poor financial choices in response are simply shut down. We announced 6 months ago that we were buying a new home and MIL looked very disappointed. Her only comment was “I wish poor SIL could afford a home” and “I bet your watch alone is worth over 6 months worth of poor SIL’s rent”. More recently she told all the family in front of us that she hoped DH and I would be treating them all for Christmas now we earn so much money. During a meal with DH’s extended family, MIL announced that she was treating everyone to the meal except DH and I as we have plenty of cash to treat ourselves. Whilst we would never ever expect anyone to pay for us, we were singled out and humiliated.

I feel I’ve been very patient but I am now just about done. DH feels we should not let it get to us and should just ignore it, but surely no one should tolerate this. I have kept my mouth shut for too long and am ready to either cut out her totally or explode and tell her exactly what I think. Surely I am not BU? Am I? How is best to handle this situation?!

That must sting a bit for your DH, OP - terribly rude IMO to make a thing out of not paying for your meal.

I don't think you'll win the argument about money though (and as PP have said, who knows what MIL says to SIL about her situation) but I would be tempted to start steering conversations round to things you don't have time to do but SIL does because they don't work full time.

People like your mum don't tend to have siblings that they give huge amounts of money to. Why does she think your husband and you should fund his sister and her lazy arse husband?

Your BIL is even less likely to work full time if other people keep giving him money.

Money and family’s are so tough. My parents treat my sister and I exactly the same when it comes to money, despite my sister earning more than my husband and I combined. In comparison my in-laws treat us all differently. My brother in law is the favourite and is terrible with money. We earn marginally more than him and SIL but they’re terrible at budgeting and saving preferring instead to buy fancy new watches, clothes and cars. They convinced elderly relative to give B&Sil thousands (taking 5 figures) for a deposit on their house and wedding. In comparison H and I saved for 7 years to buy our house and had a very frugal wedding. It winds me up no end!

I do agree with other posters. I have a discreet word with the MIL too, sometimes older female generations do seem to expect the men to fund more than they should. Then if that doesn’t work I would go LC with them or NC if necessary. But be clear why. X

What's the saying that successful people use 'I found that the harder I worked the luckier I got'.
That's not to take away from people who have been dealt bad hands but you're not responsible for them.

You need to absolutely call her out on it, and go very LC if she persists. This would drive me crazy.
In our family, there are often comments made about my DH having loads of money, by his DM and siblings. When he was in his twenties he earned lots for a short period of time, bought a house and saved. He was very sensible. His siblings all kind of flirted around in low paid jobs, but then one by one got themselves into good careers, earning really good salaries. Now one of his DSis's earns way more than him, and one brother probably about equal. But they still persist in thinking that DH is "rich". They don't moan or ask for anything from him, so it's not something I'm going to bring up, but I inwardly scream when they say it!

My parents treat my sister and I exactly the same when it comes to money, despite my sister earning more than my husband and I combined.

Do you think that's fair @Wibblewobble99? My parents treat my brother and I differently because our sister earns more. But it's like they're punishing her for earning more and doing better?

Agree now to have no adult gifts at Christmas- SIL cant afford it can she.

That way you will avoid any expectation or comments.

As I once told someone who commented on how 'lucky' we are 'The harder I work the luckier I am.'

I understand op, whilst my mil doesn't make quite so many barbed comments it's obvious she wants both her children and her 2 step dc "to be fair" in what they have without realising that everyone's lives are the result of the life choices they have made.

DH studied worked got a job , bought a house but has been careful with money and isn't extravagant in terms of possessions. His steep siblings worked hard with their own businesses etc Sil had the same private school education but didn't study, only works pt in low paid unskilled work and made poor partner choices who also didn't work nor support their dc.

We know mil supplements her dd and her dc on that side to make up for what the others have.

She bought a house for her dd to "rent" as it wasn't fair that dh and step siblings had their own houses and she didn't. We suspect that rent is never paid. We just live with it... even if we were on the bread line I wouldn't accept money off my in laws.

The latest is her and sil are going abroad at October half term, (mil will pay...) probably because we have just been abroad our first holiday of that type for over 10 years, she even talked about going to the same place, its like we can't do anything without her having to subsidise sil missing out

What I would say is either you or dh says something to her if it's getting you down.

I think I missed my chance years ago because I was afraid of the fallout, it left me quite bitter for a while and only I suffered as a result, I tortured myself with the whole "I should have said ...".

Who knows if I'll say anything in future, depends what is said by her...

@DeNiroDeFaro I do think it’s fair and I’m really proud of my parents for their attitude. Ultimately it’s no my money its theirs and whose to say we’ll be in the same circumstances in the future? But I am biased as it’s my parents 😂

We know mil supplements her dd and her dc on that side to make up for what the others have.

She bought a house for her dd to "rent" as it wasn't fair that dh and step siblings had their own houses and she didn't. We suspect that rent is never paid. We just live with it... even if we were on the bread line I wouldn't accept money off my in laws.

I must say I don't think that's unfair. Not everyone is as clever as everyone else. Your SiL has made bad choices, it's not her children's fault that she works in an unskilled job, and bottom line is she's your MiL's daughter, why shouldn't she help her? I don't see that as being the same as enabling someone to buy expensive clothes, watches, cars etc..

The problem with family issues like this is that the person at fault is usually quite a manipulative person that everyone tiptoes around. If this goes on for a number of years, with no-one pulling them up, you end up creating monster. It ends up where there is a massive build up of all the stuff you kept inside all those years, it will come out in a big explosive argument unless you let a bit of pressure out now by making a calm statement to MIL along the lines of “ah well, we all make different life choices, don’t way? People prioritise different things in life and that’s their choice.” There is nothing she can say to that. Just keep repeating every time she starts.

I think it’s often the youngest child who is infantilised. It carries on into adulthood sometimes. Both DH and I have siblings like this. There is a sense of entitlement there. It’s quite shocking sometimes.

Be straight down the line with this woman. She clearly has no bother saying exactly what she wants so why shouldn't you? She is rude, presumptuous and mean spirited. Tell her straight and also let her know that you won't listen to it anymore.

As you say MiL only shuts DH down if he tries to respond to her goady remarks, maybe she'll hear it better from you. Even if she doesn't - so what? Where is the Doctrine that orders that you must listen to her incessant bitching but are not allowed to respond?

MIL is often making remarks about how we earn “all this money” yet poor SIL is barely able to get by.
"That's right MiL - we earn it by both working full time. If we worked part time we'd earn less, like SiL chooses to".

As to being singled out in the restaurant, & being informed that you are expected to treat everyone at Xmas - I think the MN "did you MEAN to be so rude?" response it the only way to go.
Followed by "you are being rude again MiL" - every time.

must say I don't think that's unfair. Not everyone is as clever as everyone else. Your SiL has made bad choices, it's not her children's fault that she works in an unskilled job, and bottom line is she's your MiL's daughter, why shouldn't she help her? I don't see that as being the same as enabling someone to buy expensive clothes, watches, cars etc..

My point was that her thoughts about our position are just that, thoughts she doesn't know what struggles we have had, she just presumes. I dont begrudge the children anything their grandmother has given them. I do think it's unfair to buy a house for one child and not the others I do object to my mil saying "poor sil", when her situation is of her own making and whilst mil is paying the bills, feeding the children and buying the school shoes sil is smoking, drinking and furnishing her house with more expensive stuff than we have! My frustration with sil and mil is also tied up with a lot of other issues not mentioned here but I can't see me treating my children so wildly different from each other.

Curlyhairedassain has a good point. Sil is definitely infantilised. She wont take responsibility for her actions as a man adult not for herself nor the impact her lack of parenting has had on her dc...

I think this is a thinly veiled attempt to get you to offer money to your SIL.

Yep, this is the game. It's not even very thinly veiled.

Sewrainbow
My frustration with sil and mil is also tied up with a lot of other issues not mentioned here but I can't see me treating my children so wildly different from each other.

Yes, I see your point :( It's difficult to deal with unfairness.